nakedjen

Nothing! They expect me to wear nothing? Seriously?

I am not surprised. Are you?

Courtesy of Alicia, Billy and another wonderful guy whose name currently escapes me. Maybe he'll remind me again.

You Should Wear Nothing! NOTHING?!?!?! There are no limits or boundaries for you. No pants, no clothes, whatever. But, hey, if you're going to get arrested, this is definitely the way to go. Find out which No Pants Day outfit YOU should wear! No Pants Day is May 7th, 2004. To find out more about No Pants Day, visit www.NoPantsDay.com

P.S. to Billy. I wanted to continue all the traffic to your site!

FREE HBO!

I want to write about the ending of Sex and the City, but I believe it’s all been said. Plain and simple, in the end, it was all about love and the very different forms that it takes. I do believe at its core the show had always been about friendships. They ended it by reminding us that the friendship those women shared also gave them the courage to truly love. Love themselves, love one another and love those who surrounded them. It was a very fitting ending to a wonderful run. I will miss my Sunday evening shoe and sex talk fix. But life will go on.

As I promised dear NakedDave, I called the cable company on Monday to cancel our subscription to HBO. This had been our deal. No more SATC, no more HBO. In fact, we decided that we’d pitch all the other fancy channels, too, and just get basic cable. So I called Comcast.

Mario: Hello this is Mario. How can I help you today?
NakedJen: Hi Mario. It’s NakedJen. I need to cancel my HBO subscription please.
Mario: I can certainly help you with that. What is your phone number please?
NakedJen: 831-458-2899
Mario: Hmmm…. I don’t think this is your account.
NakedJen: Really? Because that is my phone number.
Mario: What is your address?
NakedJen: 210 West Cliff Drive, Santa Cruz
Mario: Last 4 digits of your Social Security Number?
NakedJen: 2216
Mario: Much better. Here you are.
NakedJen: So, as I said, I’d like to cancel HBO and our Digital Channels.
Mario: Can I ask why you want to do that?
NakedJen: Sex and the City has ended. Don’t need it anymore. Nothing left to watch.
Mario: Okay, but don’t you like HBO for other things?
NakedJen: I promised NakedDave that I’d cancel HBO when Sex and the City ended.
Mario: What if I told you there was a way to get just basic cable, but keep HBO?
NakedJen: I’ve tried doing that. It doesn’t work.
Mario: It does. It’s a little known secret that you can get basic cable and then order the Latin package. The Latin package includes HBO, and seven other Spanish stations.
NakedJen: How much will that cost me?
Mario: Only $4.00 more than Basic.
NakedJen: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Mario: Oh yes. I’m sure
NakedJen: Well, then, let’s do it.
Mario: Just a moment while I update your records.
NakedJen: Mario, are you sure this is all going to just cost me $20?
Mario: Twenty dollars? Who said anything about $20?
NakedJen: You did. You said it was just $4.00 more than Basic. Basic costs $16.00
Mario: Hold on a second. Wait. Why is Basic so cheap in Santa Cruz? Are you not getting all the channels that we provide? Oh you are. Interesting. Do you know in other parts of the country the Basic service is $30.00 a month? Why is it so cheap in Santa Cruz?
NakedJen: I have no idea. But honestly, I only want everything if it’s $20.00.
Mario: You have been more than patient with me and I like the sound of your voice. Tell you what. You can have everything for just the price of Basic Cable.
NakedJen: Excuse me? I can have all the services I already get right now for the price of Basic Cable? For $20?
Mario: Yes. My mistake. For three months, that’s what you’ll get.
NakedJen: Well all right then. When does this three-month period end?
Mario: I’ve just comped you until May 24th.
NakedJen: Excellent! Thank you. You did well, Mario.
Mario: I don’t think my bosses are going to think so, but at least you’re a happy customer.
NakedJen: Yes. Happy. Just wish Sex and the City was still airing. But I’ll watch the Sopranos!
Mario: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
NakedJen: Oh no. I think you’ve helped quite enough. Goodbye.

So I wrote to NakedDave and told him we now had free digital and free HBO expecting hi to be happy. But he wasn’t. He really wants the TV and all it’s distractions and channels to go away. And I understand. I really do. But right now, all together now, “I’m unemployed” and a girl sometimes wants to watch The Learning Channel or a movie on HBO while she’s sorting the socks and folding the laundry. Sometimes. What I hope is that by May 24th I’ve got a really good job and can’t possibly have time for Oprah in the afternoon.

Meanwhile, I finally got in touch with those pesky folks at EDD and explained to them that they need to write more informative pamphlets if they ever want anyone to understand how things work around there and how to fill out the forms properly. Turns out that my school will probably qualify for the education extension. Which means I don’t have to go to nursing school (should I not find a job by the time my benefits run out) and can instead continue on in my Master Herbalist and Holistic Healing Practitioner studies and continue to collect my benefits.

I also am now an official WorkAtHome agent. Funny. Should you call one of those numbers so prominently featured late at night in infomercials, it might just be NakedJen who answers the phone. Hey, I can do this job in my pajamas. And I can set my own hours. And it pays. So I’m doing it for now. It’s good for grocery money if nothing else.

Finally and most importantly, go over and congratulate LaVonne. She won her SSI disability hearing. She worked very hard to win that case and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She gets major kudos from me for getting all the paperwork finished and getting it all in on time. That was some accomplishment and the Universe rewarded her for it!

Haunted Jewish Wine Cabinet

okay, now i'm going to have nightmares. seriously. spooky.

why would anyone want that in THEIR house?

shudders.

Job at a Movie Studio, Please?

I have spent the entire afternoon applying for jobs at movie studios and production houses in Los Angeles. I have decided that if I'm going to work in marketing, I would like a "career change" and would rather market movies than software.

So, I polished up my resume and sent it round. And then I thought, hey, perhaps there might be some movie type people who happen to find their way here. I should tell folks I'm interested in a job.

If you're a movie type person who perhaps is looking for a crackerjack marketeer who thinks way outside the box and can make sure that even folks in Peoria are flocking to theatres to see your films, you just may want to contact me about a job.

Of course, I'm willing to relocate. I can start whenever you'd like, provided you meet my salary requirements.

Email me and we'll chat.

30,014 and Growing!

Earlier today, I noticed that I was closing in on 30,000 visitors to nakedjen. I was going to be like dear Billy and offer the prize that wasn't a prize for the person who was number 30,000. However, there were too many people searching for naked pictures on a Sunday afternoon, quite obviously, and I've missed my chance.

Thus, we'll go for 50,000. However, for 50,000 there will be a prize that IS a prize. Now to find out how to make one of those counter thingies over there on the side. I'm not a technical girl at all, but I bet I know someone who can help.

Same-Sex Marriage Revolution

There was something a little different about the Style section of our paper today. Because I’m the nosey type, every Sunday I read the Engagement and Wedding announcements. I like to see who is hooking up with whom and try to figure out their back-stories. You know, like how they met, why they’re getting married, how long it might last.

Today’s paper included one young man and woman who had recently gotten engaged. It also included seven same-sex marriage announcements complete with pictures. The announcements were written in exactly the same style as the heterosexual announcements with one very noticeable difference. The gay and lesbian marriage announcements added an additional sentence about the years the couple had already spent in a committed relationship. One lesbian couple had been in a committed relationship for 21 years. Twenty-one years! And now they’re finally “married”. The shortest committed relationship among the bunch was over 10 years.

This made me really pause. What if the heterosexual announcements talked about how long a couple had been committed before saying “I do”. With some couples strutting down the aisle without even really knowing how the other likes his or her coffee or steak, it seems that all this fuss about these same-sex unions is really about what a farce hetero marriages have become. I don’t mean to make a generalized statement here. I am a married woman. I know that marriage takes hard work and that it is a commitment you make every day. However, drive-thru marriages have become commonplace. You get some fries and a milkshake and if you don’t like the flavor, well you can just get a quickie annulment or divorce and forget it ever happened.

I don’t think we should be making such a fuss about folks who have already been committed for twenty-one years finally getting their chance to say, “I do.” Quite frankly, I think we should be making a fuss about all of the folks who say, “I do” and then don’t.

There are some lovely pictures of the ceremonies here.

Bankrupt. Santa Cruz Style.

Dave and I arrived at the German-American Hall yesterday just a few minutes before ten. Our attorney pulled into the parking lot just as we drove up. There was something rather surreal about having this hearing at the German-American Hall. When we walked in, there was a trustee sitting at a small makeshift desk at the front of the room. The room had posters of Germany and Austria and Bavaria hanging on the walls and behind the trustee was a mis en scene of a German garden complete with the Danube River. Odd.

What struck both Dave and I immediately was how many other people were there. We expected that there might be one or two others, but the room was packed. We listened as the trustee called out people’s names. They went forward, had to swear that they were who they said they were, provide their full name and address, answer some other questions and then they were excused.

At 10:00, the trustee called the roll for the 10 a.m. filings. Then he passed out some papers to all of us that we were to read. The paper basically described everything we already knew. Our attorney came over and sat next to me and asked us me about our trip. How was it, he wanted to know. What was my favorite island? When did we get back? I found the conversation a little disconcerting given the reason we were all gathered. But I smiled and answered his questions.

And then the trustee called our names. We went forward to the little desk and he asked us to raise our right hands and swear that we the testimony we were providing was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Yes. We handed him our drivers’ licenses and our social security cards and then he asked for our full names and addresses. Then he looked at our paperwork. He asked if we had listed all of our debts. We had. He asked if we had used our credit cards lately. Not since May. Okay, fine, you’re done.

And with that, Dave and I were officially bankrupt.

I can’t honestly say how I feel about the whole thing, but I’m willing to guess that all of this has a lot to do with the reason that I’m still throwing up. A whole lot.

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In other good news, John is finished with his treatments at Georgetown. Everyone there is thrilled with his progress and he will now get to return to New Jersey where he will follow up with intensive physical therapy.

I got the most fabulous birthday present in the mail today from Cynthia. I absolutely lovelovelove it and was so touched that she thought of me and took the trouble to send me such a wonderful present. It’s perfect!

Clyde had a swimming lesson on Thursday morning and it turns out that the two women who run his fitness center are going to adopt a baby. The birth mother is here in Santa Cruz and the two Kathys have asked me to be the doula for the birth. I’m excited about this because I love being a doula, but also because it is such an interesting situation. I adore both the Kathys and credit them for Clyde’s recovery from his stroke last year. I’m so excited that I get to now help them both.

New moon was yesterday. Funny that it corresponded with our bankruptcy hearing. I suppose the universe was really telling me it’s okay and time for a new beginning. I lit candles last night in my own little ceremony asking that justice be served this week. I'll continue to light them until it has been served. Meanwhile, I’ve spent all day today investigating Ebay. Do you know there are folks on Ebay making $75,000 a month?! In a way, I feel like the ship may have already sailed, but then, I also know if you have the right item, the thing everyone else wants, well….

I’m just not sure my little crystal ball will be able to predict future Ebay purchases.

Tomorrow night I’ll be donning my highest heels and wearing my fanciest clothes while raising my Cosmopolitan to those women on Sex and the City. It’s been a wonderful ride and I truly am going to miss them. My bet is on a life with Big. Though I say I’m not like Carrie Bradshaw, I know that if I were in her Manolo’s, I’d have run off to Paris with my lover, too. I’d have been mortified by my nosedive at Dior. And I would have sat in Paris and wondered what it would have been like to be there with the great love of my life. If that love of my life happened to appear, well let’s just say that Paris is a very romantic city and a girl’s heart can do flip-flops rather quickly in the shadow to the Eiffel Tower. As I said, I’m betting on a Big Life. Stay tuned.

And just because I love Pinky and she loves Dave....

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

I am obsessed with getting on Millionaire. Ten Million Dollars is driving this obsession. I have tried every day since the phone lines opened. You can only try once a day. Know what? I'm not very good at this. I keep screwing up. I believe my little dyslexic fingers truly do think they're hitting the right numbers when they are, in fact, hitting the wrong numbers.

There is nothing like not being able to punch 1,2,3,4 in the correct order to make you feel that you perhaps should return to kindergarten. Or maybe even nursery school. Isn't that when you learn numbers and their proper order? I think I must have been taking a nap during those lessons. Either that or my fat fingers are hitting keys on the keypad that the dear computer on the other end is recognizing as numbers other than those that are necessary for a correct response.

Can I really blame it on my fat stubby fingers? Not really.

For those who are disabled they allow you to try and win a spot on the show via the computer. Do you think I can qualify to use the computer since I have chubby fingers and obviously have dyslexia as well? I'm running out of days to qualify. I'm getting worried.

Tonight I made it all the way to the FIFTH question before I screwed up. But for some reason, though I knew the answer needed to be entered as 2,3,1,4 my fingers hit 3,2,1,4. I'm sure some of you, those of you close enough to hear, could hear me screaming in disgust.

Will try again tomorrow. I simply must succeed. There is no other option. Let's remember, I'm trying to manifest Maui!

Still Throwing Up...A Quiz!

Because everyone else is doing it.

You're Lolita!
by Vladimir Nabokov
Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real. Please stay away from children.

Why am I not the least bit surprised?

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Returning, now, to my spot on the bathroom floor. Carry on!

Ick. Yuck. Please Make It Stop!

I have received lots of enquiries about John's health. I am very pleased to report that your vibes are creating yet another miracle and that's he's improving every single day. He's had two cyberknife treatments so far and will have three more. Tonight, he moved his left leg and foot. He has been paralyzed on his left side since late November. He also reports that his head is no longer hurting quite as much.

Please keep him in your thoughts. He's certainly not out of the woods yet, but the trees are getting a bit thinner.

I have somehow contracted a stomach flu or food poisoning or some horrible wretched virus that is wreaking havoc with my insides causing them to redeposit themselves outside my body. I haven't felt this horrible since I ate the white fish in Sweden. At the risk of sharing way too much information, I am seriously confused about which way I should face the toilet. Ick. Yuck. Please make it stop.

We were supposed to go to Keith's house tonight for a graphic powwow. He is on his way to the Folk Alliance and wants to create a new image and brand for himself. Since we created his last one, he thinks we're (NakedJen and NakedDave) the perfect pair to help him create the new one. However, just as we were getting ready to leave, I suddenly felt like I needed to go to the hospital instead.

As I said, "Ick. Yuck. Please make it stop."

I suggested that NakedDave go on without me. He called Keith who suggested we try again tomorrow night. People, if this is what I had when I ate the white fish in Sweden, I'm not going anywhere for a few days. Except to lie on the bathroom floor and pray that it all passes quickly.

Which is where I'm going to have to go now. So, I'll have to tell you about my most serendipitous encounter today at a later date.

Oh, please make it stop!