nakedjen

Naked and Fascinating

I found this op-ed piece in today's NY Times fascinating. And probably not too far off from what might really happen. I honestly believe that this election will not be decided without a long and drawn out legal wrangle of some sort.

And because it is Friday and we're in definite need of a bit of levity around here, I give you me. Naked. In Nashville. In a bathtub. On a street. Outside. Somewhere in Hillsboro.

And for even more fun...a few more pictures from that weekend. Gosh. Can I go back?

Terrorists Stike Heartland! Election Proceeds! Bush Wins!

As darkness fell on Halloween eve, children donned in Princess Fiona and Shrek costumes scurried from door to door in search of mass amounts of chocolate. The singsong voices calling “Trick or Treat” could be heard up and down the streets of this city smack dab in the heart of America.

St. Louis had already felt the stinging loss of the World Series to the Boston Red Sox. It was just a few days before the presidential election and the majority of the lawns here were casting their vote for Bush and Cheney.

It was on that same night that 10 men boarded their small crop duster planes outside of St. Louis with only one objective in mind-- striking terror into the hearts and minds of even the smallest of American citizens.

Taking off from regional airports in places like Joplin and Columbia and Cassville, the ten small planes headed for the symbol of America’s heartland, the Gateway Arch. By the time they were finished, the Gateway Arch lay in rubble, as did the Old Courthouse and Busch Stadium and most of downtown St. Louis. Thousands were dead and across America people were wondering just how this could have happened and who was responsible.

Within hours, President Bush was on radio and television encouraging America to remain calm. He blamed Osama Bin Laden and the evil terrorists for yet another strike against our great nation. And he promised that we would seek out these evildoers and kill every last one of them.

America was a land of freedom and democracy and these terrorists had chosen to strike on the eve of the event that symbolized those two things more than any other. The Presidential Election. President Bush urged all American citizens not to let this act of terror frighten them or take away that freedom. With a bullhorn in hand, standing atop the rubble that was once the Busch Baseball Stadium, he urged all Americans to go to the polls and vote.

And of course you know what happened, right? They did just that. And Bush won.

++++++++++++++++++

I’m really hoping that this particular nightmare does not come true. I really need this election to be over. It’s making it quite difficult for me to get any real sleep at all.

The Plot Thickens

I was able to get a very early flight today back to San Jose from Nashville. I had originally planned on spending the entire day in Nashville today and flying home late this afternoon arriving in San Jose around 10:30 this evening. But when I realized that everyone I was visiting in Nashville had "other" plans for today and that as much as I don't ever want to believe it life just does NOT revolve around NakedJen, I called up American Airlines and was able to fly standby on an earlier flight via Dallas.

Now, when I arrived in San Jose, I found my very sweet NakedDave waiting for me right at the exit gate and after hugs and kisses and how are you's, we headed downstairs to wait for my enormous suitcase. (I had taken nearly HALF of Santa Cruz with me to Nashville because, well, I could, and I just wasn't sure what I was going to want to wear when I was wearing clothes). While we were waiting for my enormous suitcase, I noticed some folks with a movie cameras and boom microphones. NakedDave mentioned that they had been filming upstairs, as well. He said they had been filming the folks coming off my plane.

Well, now they were filming our luggage as it was coming onto the carousel. And they even filmed my big enormous suitcase. I found it all interesting, but also a little bit odd. So we left and I actually carried my big enormous suitcase because NakedDave has injured his back and it is bothering him. When we got outside there were TWO white passenger vans. One had a 4 on the back and the other had a 3 on the back and there was this guy with a "secret service" earpiece and he was trying to direct traffic in the parking garage and these two vans were parked directly outside the entrance to baggage claim. The guy with the "secret service" earpiece was rather frustrated with me and my enormous suitcase because I was NOT walking on the sidewalk and good god, woman, can't you and that enormous thing get out of the road and onto the sidewalk so we can get our two white vans where they are supposed to be?

Now, I didn't make much of a connection with these vans and this guy and the movie cameras. But I did say to NakedDave that I thought something was "going on."

Fastforward to about thirty minutes ago. NakedDave and I decide to walk down the street to the health food store because the cupboards are bachelor boy bare around here and I'm starving. We walk out of our house and head in the direction of the store. And there are the vans. Numbers 3 and 4. And the guy with the movie camera. And the other guy with the boom mike. And the guy with the "secret service" earpiece. And a whole host of other people. As well as Lights. And Cameras. And Action. So me being me, I ask what they're doing. And I'm told that they're shooting a "family documentary". And I say, "Well, that's kind of odd, because I saw you shooting at the San Jose Airport just a little while ago." And the guy, who is probably the assistant, assistant director, says, "Oh. We try not to be so obvious!"

Not so obvious? You've got Lights! You've got Cameras! You've got Action! On a sleepy street in Santa Cruz. Dude. You're obvious.

So NakedDave and I continue on our way to the store and we chat about the fact that if it really is a "family documentary" what family could it be? It all seemed rather "elaborate" for just a little family documentary.

When I was walking back from the store, the vans had dispersed. As had Mr. I'm Important Director and his minions. But I noticed that one of the row houses was sitting WIDE open with lots of suitcases and things on the front porch and it had lots of LIGHTS beamed in its direction. And I noticed that there was a HUGE rental truck that looks like it has a crane on it. And I noticed that there's an ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT PARK THAT THING HERE BIG AS TEXAS motorhome parked just across the street from my house. And there's a security guard sitting on either side of it.

Family documentary, my ass.

I'm taking Clyde for a walk. We're going to go find out more. I'm going to interrogate the security guard. Maybe if I offer him a Clyde's Cookie, he'll spill the beans.

From Imaginary to Real in Nashville

It is Friday! And because I am at Emily's, the absolute MOST GRACIOUS HOSTESS IN ALL OF NASHVILLE, I even have both computer and internet access. I was both wined and dined last night on delicious and amazing organic and vegan homemade goodness. Not only is Emily the MOST GRACIOUS HOSTESS IN ALL OF NASHVILLE, she's also the VERY BEST COOK. She claimed she was using a recipe from Martha (and Em also shared that Martha is doing interesting things with chestnuts and microwaves while at Camp Cupcake), but I can promise you that if I was dining with Martha the sage risotto would not have tasted nearly as yummy.

Yvonne and Pinky and Dakota joined us. Not only did they just join us. They were my ever so elegant and cheerful limousine service from the airport. I'm telling you, when you travel to Tennessee, you travel in style. It was a delight to have them stay for dinner and since I had not met Pinky until that very moment when I hugged him fiercely at baggage claim, I soaked up every drop of goodness that oozed from him. He glows just as much as Yvonne, if that is possible. They are a truly magnetic couple and yes, absolutely perfect for one another.

And Brett! I finally got to meet and marvel in all that is Brett. And he is quite a marvel. There is no wonder at all why Em is so over the moon. He is over the moon material. Every single inch. Jude Law does not hold a candle to this man. Not even a birthday one.

Actually, I finally got to meet Emily, too, but as I said to her last night, it didn't feel like I was "finally" meeting her at all. But I did go from being imaginary to being real. Some of my fur is slightly rubbed off, but that's what happens when you're loved. And I am definitely loved.

I Dream of Burma

Thank you, each and every one of you, for the new skin love. It was my intention to rip off Mr. Warhol. Imitation is some sort of form of flattery, right? At least that's what some people keep saying. Not sure who those some people are, but some people keep saying that. I figured that since nakedjen had a birthday she should also get a new birthday suit. Ta Da!

I wanted to come on here tonight and write about so many things. I actually tried to come on here this morning and write about this very odd dream that I had last night. Oh so disturbing. And it seems to be part of a series of dreams. Oh the drama in these dreams.

The gist of them is this. I'm back at the place where I was once employed. You know, the place where I worked until last November when I was laid off and told my marketing and management skills were no longer necessary. So I'm back there. And I'm in a meeting. Some very important meeting. But I know that I no longer work there. However, they've called me in because this is some very important meeting (as I just mentioned, but I want you to understand that, dear internet people, this was a VERY IMPORTANT MEETING) and they needed me there to somehow seal the deal.

From what I can gather (and as I said I've been having these dreams in series), B and C (the CEO and CFO) are meeting with some people from BURMA who are going to hand over huge amounts of cash for the software that creates talking heads. But these folks from Burma will only do this if B and C can promise that Nakedjen (not just Jennifer, but NakedJen) will be at the meeting and that she'll be naked. So B and C are going through all kinds of gyrations to ensure that I'll not only be at this meeting, but that I will be naked and that I will not disclose that I am no longer a vital and integral part of the company's marketing and management team.

So last night, we're finally having the meeting. B and C have assured that I'm there. That I'm naked. That I'm sitting between the two of them at this very huge conference table and the Burmese folks are at the other end. Around the rest of the table are the very FEW people who are left working at my former company along with the guy who played the roommate to Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. You know, the blonde haired bloke who is now married in real life to Jennifer Connolly? Can't remember his name, but you guys know who he is. He's supposedly now the REAL head of marketing and product management, so he's slipping me notes written in a scrawl that I can't read so that I can answer the Burmese folks intelligently.

Well, you all know where this is going don't you? Can't you tell? I'm naked. I'm in a board room. I'm supposed to be saving the day for the company that screwed me (well, they didn't really screw me when all was said and done because NakedDave and I will be the first ones to tell you that, well, our lives were GREATLY improved by our being laid off at Thanksgiving...but the day it happened, we very much felt like we had been SCREWED). So instead of feeding these Burmese people who are sitting at their end of the table with literally piles and piles and piles of money in front of them exactly what B and C want me to tell them, I tell them that since I'm naked, they might as well know the naked truth. And then I proceed to tell them all the things I think are wrong not only with the company, but with the software, with the management and then, because well, i'm on a roll, with the entire United States Government. By the end of my little speech I find myself standing on the table over the Burmese and their piles and piles and piles of money, telling them that the best thing they can possibly do with all that money is to go home and give it to the poor and suffering in their own country because if GW stays in office, well, there's not going to be any US aid other than in the form of bombs and destruction any time soon.

The Burmese folks thanked me for my honesty. B and C wanted to have me arrested. And everyone else in the room applauded.

And then I woke up and realized, just like Pamela, that it was all just a dream.

So, if you're the kind of person who analyzes dreams, what would you make of all of that? Don't forget, I've been having these dreams for weeks. And I'm coming up on the anniversary of my getting dismissed from the company that used to employ me. I find it all rather interesting, really.

What do you think?

P.S. Am off to Nashville and the home of the lovely Ms. Emily tomorrow. Will not be back until Sunday evening. I promise to take a proper Nashville worthy naked picture while I am there. And will share it when I return.

Name Three Things

Name 3 things....

1....your ideal salad has on it.
olive oil and lemon juice, Molino creek tomatoes, sunflower sprouts

2....you do religiously in the morning.
give clyde his vitamins and reiki, take my vitamins, check email

3....you look forward to doing in your spare time.
something, anything outside, going to the movies travel.

4....you've never done before, but think you will at some point in your life.
jump from a plane, spend time in Nepal, be a doctor.

5....you love to do while on vacation.
swim with the fishes, read trashy novels, experience new cultures and places.

6....you took pictures of in the last month.
Wendee, Pinky and Me, Clyde, Dave

7....you have to do before the end of the day.
Get a facial, find a yellow graduation gown, call Max about cards.

8....you like about your best friend.
She’s a whole person, she loves me completely, she understands the meaning of the words “to shop!”.

found at lazy blonde

The Amazing Apprentice

There are seven of us. At least that's how many I am able to count. The estrogen levels are all running very high and to say that we're all a bit catty is putting it mildly. Lots of finger pointing and lots of "It's not my fault, it's your fault!" Come on, women, if we're going to win this thing, we've got to pull together. But no one really wants to pull together. Everyone is looking to everyone else to figure our way out of this particular challenge, but it seems that no one particular person wants to take responsibility for the outcome.

And so it's all seven of us against seven men. We have to create a new line of clothing and get it produced and have a fashion show and sell heaps of clothes and then also manage to get ourselves to the next city before the men. The seven men. There are seven men who have the same task and are trying their best to get to the next city before we arrive.

Donald Trump is being a complete ass. He's pontificating on how you must make the right business decisions, not overextend yourself, know your market and who your customer is. Shut up, already, Donald. I remind him in a not so pleasant tone that if he's really going to end up hiring one of us, he should trust that we understand the concept of supply and demand. He sputters and tells me that I will regret this when he sees me in the board room.

But we're not going to end up in the board room, are we? No, we just can't. I try my best to rally these women. I remind them that I have years of experience in women's clothing. We can win this, we really can, if they'll just please stop bitching about their broken fingernails and cut fabric! And sew.

Does anyone know what city we're supposed to go to next? Has anyone bothered to check an airline schedule? Can we manage to pull off this fashion show and still get all seven of us on a plane and to Rio before the men?

Come on now, everyone, let's get those garments finished. And onto the models. And yes, shove them down the runway, I don't care. The dress doesn't fit? Grab a needle and thread and sew it onto her body. She can rip it off later. We must win.

What are the buyers saying? Can you tell if they like this stuff? More black? Throw some dye onto her! Quick. Stand in the tub. We'll pour it over your head. It will be the "latest" look. Promise.

Have you packed? Where's your suitcase? Pack,pack, pack. Are we just going to leave those beautiful clothes hanging there on the rack? I know, I know. I'm coming. But those see through lace dresses...and those delicate silk skirts. I want them. What can I unpack and leave behind to make those fit in my suitcase? Hmmm....let's take out all the shoes. Why do I have so many shoes? This whole suitcase is nothing but shoes. And sweaters. Shoes and more sweaters. Surely I can do without quite so many shoes and sweaters.

Why is it that no matter how much I remove from my suitcase, I still can't fit these see-thru lace dresses in the bag? What is the problem?

What? It's snowing? The men have already left? Shit! We'll need a snowplow to get to the airport. Someone go find a snowplow! No, I can't go. I'm trying to squeeze these dresses into my suitcase. No, I won't just leave them. They're BEAUTIFUL. I MUST HAVE THEM. Forget the Jimmy Choos? No way. Not on your life.

Come on, don't be such a baby. Just go flag down a snowplow! Oh christ, do I have to do everything?

So yes, I get the dresses and the skirts and the shoes crammed into my suitcase, I run out into the snow wearing nothing but my thong underwear, I flag down a snowplow driven by Johnny Depp (did you all know he drives a snowplow when he's not acting...he told me so last night) and he drives all seven of us not only to the airport, but directly onto the runway and to the waiting plane and off we go for Rio.

We'll win this amazing race and I will be the next Apprentice. Just you wait and see!

It's Friday - Get Naked!

Hope I Die Before I Get Old

From dearest Billy who got it from stark

the albums you should have listened to before you die

...copy the list on to your blog, put in bold the ones you have listened to (completely from begining to end) and then add three more albums that you think people should have heard before they turn into their parents - remember, it isn't necessarily your most favourite albums but the ones you think people should listen to...and when we say listen we mean from track one through to the end...

1) Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band; The Beatles
2) London Calling; The Clash
3) Blood Sugar Sex Magik; Red Hot Chilli Peppers
4) Think Tank; Blur
5) This is Hardcore; Pulp
6) Moon Safari; Air
7) Elastica; Elastica
8) Never Mind the Bollocks Here's the Sex Pistols; Sex Pistols
9) OK Computer; Radiohead
10) The Kiss of Morning; Graham Coxon
11) Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars - David Bowie
12) The Wall - Pink Floyd
13) Setting Sons - The Jam
14) So Many Roads - The Grateful Dead
15) Let Love Rule - Lenny Kravitz
16) Led Zepplin IV - Led Zepplin

Naked Maui

Yesterday was Friday. Today is Saturday. These pictures were taken a while ago in Maui. Must have been a while ago, because I haven't been to Maui in what feels like forever. But I'm determined to get there soon. Hopefully, very soon. I need to go and commune with the fishes. I miss them and I'm sure that they miss me.

It's a beautiful Indian Summer day here in Santa Cruz. I'm going to go enjoy it. I hope whatever kind of day you're having where ever it is that you are, you have a day that you go and enjoy to its fullest as well.