nakedjen

Where's My Nomination?

Let Go and Let Dog

my nana used to always say, "let go and let god."  she wasn't a particularly religious woman, but she was especially fond of saying that after she embraced sobriety.  the serenity prayer became her motto and when things got tough or difficult for any of us she would often tell us to just "let go and let god!" 

lately, my mother and sisters have been saying the same thing to me.  often.  there are almost daily phone conversations these days about clyde and they all seem to be channeling nana.  i know that they mean well.  i know that in their own way they are just trying to help take care of me while i take care of clyde.  i know that they feel rather helpless and are only trying to make a hard situation a little bit easier.

however, i don't really have a relationship with god.  it's not that i'm an atheist, per se.  really, i'm just agnostic.  and before you go and send me hate mail because i don't have a relationship with god  or send me mail telling me that you'll be praying for my soul, please know that i've worked this all out and i'm really okay with it.  if you're a regular reader of nakedjen at all, you know i have quite the relationship with the universe.  i'm tapped in.  i've got my own angels (and demons) who assist me through my day.  i'm doing okay without a god relationship.  or even a jesus one, thank you.

all that is a long way of saying that while i know mom and my sisters mean well when they channel nana and tell me to "let go and let god" with regards to clyde, it isn't as easy as all that for a girl and her dog that don't have a relationship with god.  (i just typed dog and then fixed it.  aye.  therein lies the rub, i believe.  i have a relationship with dog.  not god.  i always have been a little dyslexic).

i want to be able to tell you all that i have the answers. i just don't. not at all. what i have learned from "dog" is that this is all between me and clyde. it's about us. our journey. the last part. the final lesson, as it were. and boy, what a lesson it is. a lesson of unconditional love. a lesson of infinite patience. a lesson of giving everything your body can muster even when you don't believe your body can muster anything more.

clyde is still so present and yet he's so far away. i see him go and check things out and then i see him come back. just now, i was certain this was the end. really certain. we were in the backyard for his morning routine. he couldn't manage it. he kept collapsing. he was wandering around in circles and trying his best to stand up, but he couldn't do it. and i was holding him and telling him it was all okay. that really, i was okay, and that he just needed to do whatever it was he needed to do to take care of himself. whatever that was, i was there, to hold him and support him.

and then he managed to come back. somehow. he came back. and walked back into the house and onto his bed. where he is now. alert and even eating his cookies.

so i just don't know the answers. he's not distressed. i don't want you all to think i'm some cruel dog owner who is forcing her dog to live longer than he should. we talked about that yesterday at long length. he wants to go through this process. he isn't in pain. he wants to experience all of life's bits. not just the easy ones that involve a frisbee and chicken dinners. he has been very clear in his desire to do this on his own. and as very hard as it is for me to watch him go through this, to love him through these very heartwrenching moments, to wish and bargain with the universe on an almost constant basis, i know that i have to do it. it's what loving clyde is all about.

so we have another day. another gift. more moments together. and yes, they're not easy moments, but i wouldn't trade any moment, good or bad, beautiful or sad, for anything else in the world. clyde has been my teacher, my champion, my companion and my best friend. and he has taught me how to love. completely.

that picture was taken just two days ago.  clyde eating his nana's spaghetti.  he loves nana's spaghetti...or penne...as the case may be.

A Pause on Men?

hello, my name is nakedjen and i'm officially old.

today i went to see my acupuncturist. and we discussed all those huge clots that i had during my menstrual cycle last month. and after she determined that it wasn't possible that i had possibly miscarried, she informed me that i was screeching towards menopause.

men o pause. does this mean i put a pause on men? good god, people, i look and feel like i'm barely 25. how on earth can my body be screeching towards menopause?

so i left there with all these smelly chinese herbs. that was after she put needles all over my abdomen and up and down my legs and even into the bottom of my feet. yikes. those hurt like a bitch. i had to cough to even let her get them in.

i have to take the smelly herbs three times a day. and guess what else? i have cream. CREAM. progesterone cream. on the box it says, "specifically for menopause". i have to rub this cream into my breasts or my thighs twice a day. dear sweet naked dave has actually volunteered for this job.  i suppose i'll be putting the pause on men off for a bit longer. 

someone shoot me now.

Hello Neal? We Found Your Hat!

In June 2001, Dave and I celebrated our first anniversary with a trip around the world.  It was our honeymoon, one year late.  We had paid for our own wedding in June 2000 and there were certainly no funds leftover when all of that was said and done.  Our honeymoon that year was our yearly trip to the Oregon Country Fair.  Not a bad honeymoon destination at all and, in fact, every year that we continue to go back I feel like we're celebrating our marriage all over again. 

However, we decided a year later, that a proper "honeymoon" by the wedding industry standards was in order.  Why we decided this, I honestly do not know.  We had gone against convention in every other aspect related to our wedding.  Why did we need a proper honeymoon?

I think it was precipated by the purchase of the book, Hip Hotels: Escape.  In that book were listings for all kinds of amazing hotels and spas and resorts all over the world.  Places that truly specialized in pampering.  We all know that I'm a girl who can never get quite enough pampering.  I declared to NakedDave that we were going to visit each and every hotel in that book before we died.  And I was quite serious.

So in June 2001, I planned our trip that would include a visit to three of those hotels.  I was most excited about the ten days we would be spending in the Maldives at Soneva Fushi.  An eco-resort on its own atoll somewhere in the Indian Ocean sounded like the perfect place for me.  And Soneva Fushi did not disappoint.  Not one bit.

While we were there we had a lovely person named Saeed who was always at our "service".  Saeed was from Sri Lanka, but now lived on a neighboring atoll and loved his work at Soneva Fushi.  Tourism in the Maldives is really their main industry.  It is one of the most beautiful places on the entire planet and a prime destination for scuba divers.  The water is so clear that you could read a newspaper fifty feet down.  I had never seen water so blue or so clear.  Even from the seaplane, as we were flying to the resort, I could see fish swimming in the reefs.  Amazing.

The day we arrived at Soneva Fushi we had flown from the Maldives only airport in Male.  We had spent the previous night at a hotel on Male because there was only one flight a day to Soneva Fushi.   We landed in the middle of the ocean and had to take a dhoni to the island. 

The next morning, I realized that I had left my hat in the hotel in Male.  Now, normally I would have just shrugged my shoulders and said, "oh well."  But this wasn't just any hat.  This hat had been made especially for me by Louise Green.  It was such a lovely straw creation.  I really wanted to retrieve it if it was at all possible.

So I rang up Saeed.  And I explained to him that I had left my hat at the hotel in Male and could we perhaps contact them and see if they found it and still had it?  I was hoping for the best, but honestly didn't know what to expect.

The next morning the phone rang.  "Hello Neal?  We found your hat!"  It was Saeed.  In the Maldives your names are reversed.  So the entire time I was there I was Neal and Dave was Mr. David.  Saeed told me that the hat would be on the next plane to the resort and I'd have it later that afternoon.  He was going to go and personally pick it up and bring it to me. 

I felt such a love and connection with the people we met in the Maldives.  I wanted to move there.  I begged the resort to give me a job.  I told them how I was a recycling expert and insisted they needed to hire me so that I could beef up their recycling efforts.  They kept giving me plastic straws in my drinks and I kept reminding them that it was so unnecessary those plastic straws.  I was determined to find another solution.  Biodegradable straws?  Metal straws that could be washed and reused?  Wooden straws made from coconut? 

When we left, I vowed to return soon.  And I kept in close touch with Saeed via email.  We exchanged thoughts about recycling and solar power and all kinds of things. 

When the tsunamis hit in December, the first person I thought of was Saeed.  And then all the people at Soneva Fushi.  And then all the beautiful people of the Maldives.  It's such a small country that no one really even talks about that I knew it would be overlooked in the reporting of the devestation. 

The airport in Male was under two feet of water.  Some of the resorts were lost completely.  And I worried about the islands that had no outside communication and how the people were.  A rise in the water, even by a foot, can mean that an atoll now just becomes a reef.

I know that relief efforts are well underway for the millions of people who have been affected by the tsunami.  I know that many of you have probably already given money.  But if you haven't, I want to encourage you to donate.  The people of the Maldives live a life that is truly simple.  It's a life without television.  Without telephones.  Without indoor plumbing.  A life that is dependent on the fish that they catch from the sea and the fruits and vegetables that they can coax to grow in the sand. 

They are a people with huge hearts and even bigger smiles.  Let's not forget them.

Life in Love and Thankfulness

I am so loved.  By oh so many of you.  Thank you for all those birthday wishes.  Wow.  Thank you, again.  Really.  Thank you!

I spent part of the day yesterday in the vet's office with dear sweet Mr. Clydesdale.  But before you get in a panic, he's okay.  I was just concerned because he hadn't been peeing as often as I thought he should and I was worried that perhaps he was "uncomfortable" and while Clyde and I have both agreed there will be no heroic measures at this point, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain or had a raging infection or any such thing.

Of course, his tests all came back normal.  No knowing what is really going on.  And of course he pissed twice while we were at the vet's office which made me wonder if all he really needs is to be in the vicinity of other dogs pee?  I will never know with this dog.  I do know that I am learning yet another valuable lesson from him.  To truly live in the moment and to accept every single day as a gift.  Every morning that I wake up and see that Clyde has woken up and is still here, I thank the Universe and just move forward and continue to take care of him like I would any other day. 

One day I won't have that gift.  And that will be okay.  But I can't predict when that day will come and I don't want it to come any sooner than it is supposed to for Mr. Clydesdale.  He and the Universe will make that choice.  In the meantime, as I said, every day, every single day, is a gift.  And I will take it and cherish it and let him know just how much he is loved.

Which applies to the rest of my life, as well.

Every day is a gift.  I don't know, quite honestly, when I will be making the grand exit.  I can sort of depend on the fact that I'm healthy and not quite a curmudgeon to say that I'll be here tomorrow.  But none of us really knows when our number is up, so to speak.  So when I wake up each morning, I now thank the Universe for another day and I'm doing my best not to waste the gift I've been given.  I make sure that the people I love know that I love them.  And I try my best to fill each day with purpose so when I head for bed I can say absolutely and without reservation, "This was a great day!"

It's simple really.  But I think we all get so wrapped up in our own dramas that we forget that today could be the last day.  I'm not trying to be morbid, just practical.  When I almost died many years ago, I resolved then that I would have no more "could haves" or "should haves" in my life.  I learned then that life was quite precious.  However, a life lived without regrets is not necessarily a life lived in love and thankfulness.

I'm trying now to live my life in love and thankfulness.  That's all.

Naked birthday pictures are coming.  And the pie.  Oh goodness the pie.  Well, the lemons are still doing their thing in the refrigerator and because I'm me and think I can remember things when clearly I can not, I used 3 cups of sugar instead of 2 cups of sugar so god only knows how it will really turn out, but I'm going to proceed and find out.  And I'll let you know.  With pictures and everything.  Perhaps tomorrow.  Today I have extra special friends coming to visit for more birthday celebrations.  And Mr. Dave is sick.  Must take good care of him.  Ricki Lee Jones was sick last night.  Do you suppose Dave caught her cold?  He did say he saw her when he went to use the restroom.  Hmm...

Have a wonderful day.  All of you.  I love each and every one of you.  Really, I do.

My Own Birthday Cake

As I mentioned previously, I was supposed to be at Sundance right now asking Mr. Redford what else I could possibly get for him.  That's not the entire story, however.  I was also supposed to be at Sundance where I would be staying at my sister's house.  Where my father is also visiting.  Actually, he's more than visiting.  For reasons that none of us will probably ever understand, my dear sweet Mormon sister has entrusted our very unreliable and quirky father to take care of her two children while she and her husband go on a cruise.  So Albert (that's my father, I have always called him Albert, since I was like four years old or something) is in Utah this week taking care of Justin and Heather.  And he was so very excited that I was going to come and be there as well because it meant that we would finally be celebrating our birthday together.

Yes, our birthday.

I have the lucky good fortune to share my birthday with Albert.  If you can't hear the sarcasm in my voice, you obviously have not been reading NakedJen for very long.  When you share your birthday with a man like Albert, let's just say that your birthday cakes can come in some pretty interesting configurations.  Like naked lady boobs! 

Now, you're all laughing.  I hear you.  And you're probably thinking to yourself, "You're NAKEDJEN.  Have you forgotten?  A naked boob cake is, well, practically perfect for you!"  And you know what?  At this point in my life, it most certainly is practically perfect for me.  I don't even think I'd find it offensive in the least.  But when you're 16 and your father is turning 40 and the only cake you have for your "joint" celebration is one of two naked breasts with candles sticking out the nipples and you've invited your friends home from boarding school to celebrate with you...well...it's really rather embarrassing.  Honestly, it is. 

That was the last birthday I can remember celebrating with Albert.  I do believe that may have been the last time we were ever in the same place at the same time on our birthday.  You would think that since we share a birthday, the exact same day, not a day before or two days after, or some other such thing where we just "celebrate" together, that Albert would remember my birthday.  Right?  But every year, for years and years, I would stubbornly wait for him to call me on my birthday.  I figured that he was the father.  He was the one who should be calling first.  He should call and tell me I was the best birthday present he had ever received.  Right?  Wrong.

There were years when he never even called.  And then I felt horribly guilty because I had waited and waited and waited and waited so long that it was too late for me to call him.  So I'd call the next day and get an, "I thought you had forgotten! Your sisters both called me.  What's wrong with you?!" and not even a mention that it was my birthday, too. 

I actually was looking forward to being in Utah this year to celebrate my birthday.  It's always been my wish to celebrate my birthday at Sundance.  I thought it was going to come true this year.  And I also, believe it or not, was looking forward to being able to celebrate my birthday properly with Albert.  Because despite all the past transgressions (and they go way beyond the birthday fiascos), I love him.  He is my father.  My heart is big enough that I have forgiven him. 

So I hope he has a very happy birthday on Friday.  I will do the right thing and call him first.  I will tell him that I hope he has a wonderful year and that all his birthday wishes come true. 

And I will be grateful that the cake I have will be all my own.

If You Want Them To Come, Get Naked.

There's a story about this photo.  When we were on the Big Island, we really wanted to swim with some dolphins.  Like really and truly.  And while I had already been touched by the big bottle nosed dolphin and received a blessing, we hadn't really swum with the spinnaker dolphins that call the Big Island home.  So one morning we woke up to find dolphins and whales in the bay.  We rushed to get it together and go swim with them.  By the time we got there, the dolphins had already left. 

Big bummer.

But not to be deterred, we swam way out into the water anyway.  And paddled around thinking that they might just come back.  The regular dolphin swimmers were telling us that they had really gone and had been really interactive and were probably not going to make another appearance. 

But remember, I had been touched by a dolphin.  And I thought to myself, they like sexy thoughts.  I'll get naked and "call" them back.

So I took off all my snorkeling gear and my bathing suit and did a few naked poses under water as well as some naked flips and naked splits and whatever else I could think of doing.

And a few minutes later what did we see?  FINS!

A whole pod of dolphins came swimming into the bay and right underneath us.

Make a note.  Dolphins like sexy naked thoughts.  If you want them to come, get naked.

Blessings for Clyde

peektures.
p.s. there are the obligatory naked ones. even of dave. you've been warned.

have spent the day loving clyde. we even went on a "clyde tour". went to some of his fave places in santa cruz and just hung out in the sunshine. he was SO happy.

and he is so blessed. dave's step-father is a very devout buddhist. and he has these "relics" that have been blessed by the dalai lama. they are to be used when it's time to pass from this life to the next one to make the journey and transition go more easily.

andrew gave me some of these relics today to give to clyde along with a multitude of blessings. in addition, they have a buddhist nun who lives with them who is from tibet. she is coming over to bless clyde, too.

all of us should be so lucky. clyde really is a very lucky dog. but i will say it again. i am the luckiest girl on the planet because of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me. he has been my greatest teacher, my most beloved companion and my very very best friend.

i told dave this morning that a year ago i was letting go of my brother john who was dying of brain cancer. if you all remember, i was traveling back and forth to dc and new jersey and trying my best to help him. i can honestly say that letting go of clyde is 100 times harder than letting go of john. and i deeply loved john. trulymadlydeeply. but my love for clyde is like no other love i've experienced. i can't really explain it. i think those of you who have children might understand it and those of you have the same kind of connections with your own special fuzzy creatures.

clyde is my champion. he is my most handsome man. he is the best dog a girl could ever hope to have steal her heart.

love him. always will.

Back with a Vision and a Plan

so here i am. back. in santa cruz. i feel like i've been gone a complete lifetime. really and truly. our trip was just simply amazing. i love the big island, but i still love maui more. although i also learned on this trip that now is not the time for me to move to maui. not yet. however, my dream of leading holistic healing retreats to maui (and probably to the big island) is certainly much closer. i made all sorts of connections with all sorts of people while we were on both islands and i really do believe that i'll be able to make that dream a reality quite soon.

i can't even begin to write a recap of our trip. my husband fell in love with yvonne and pinky and thought they were just the coolest two people on the planet. really, i think he fell in love with pinky, truth be told. yvonne and i often found ourselves just in giggles at the two of them. and yvonne and pinky are also to be completely commended for putting up with my very new age inlaws and their new age friends. wow. talk about different planet.

we did swim with dolphins. we did see loads of whales up close and personal. i was touched by the bottle nose dolphin. a dolphin that no one had even seen on the island in over six months. i had my dreams interpreted and learned all kinds of things about the state of my heart and where it wants to go.

we met some really incredible people and made some wonderful connections and know that we could go back to either island in a heartbeat and feel right at home. but we're not going back right away. we both realized that life on those islands is a little too much like life in santa cruz. it won't push us forward. it will only be a step sideways, really. and we both want to move forward right now, not sideways. but forward for me could mean working with this really interesting woman who already has a holistic retreat business on maui. she is 78 years old and is really ready to start handing it over to someone else. that someone may be me. which really and truly excites me. those of you who have been on this journey with me from the early days know that my first vision was to lead holistic retreats to maui, especially for burnt out executives. and that is exactly what this woman does. she actually has contracts with HP and IBM and Sun and all those folks. the same folks i already know how to talk to...i speak their language. so we'll see. it was just by luck that i happened to find her and make the connection. but we all know that the universe works in magical ways. i will follow this through and see where it leads. my hope is that it will lead to a quarterly trip to the islands to help people find their center again and to become whole. that for me would be great work and would be very fulfilling.

mr. clydesdale was very happy to have me return. he actually sent me a message two days before we came home telling me it was time for me to come back. and now that i'm home, i'm not sure i'll be going to sundance. i reallyreallyreally want to go, of course. but he's my number one priority. always. and he's really leaving the planet. he's making his exit. it's quite clear that he's going. i want to make that journey for him as lovely and peaceful and beautiful as i possibly can. i want to honor clyde. the beautiful being that he is. so this means that i may just stay here, because i've been told by him that he really wants to make this transition with me very here and very present. i honestly believe a big part of this is that we're so very connected to one another. his heart beats as my heart beats. i know that sounds positively silly to some of you, but i know that others of you really do understand. anyway, i am taking it one day at a time. i haven't called sundance to say that i'm not coming. i haven't said to clyde that i'm going. i haven't done anything other than sleep on the floor with him. i did that last night. i just curled up on his bed and wrapped my body around his and we slept like that all night. neither one of us moved. and i begged the universe to please make his passing one filled with joy and with light and with peace. i know it will be soon. it's just a matter of when. i know that it will be an incredible gift to share this journey with clyde. yet another of the multitudes that he's given me.

what a dog.

Here Today, Gone To Maui

And it is here. Departure day. Finally. It couldn't come fast enough. Of course, it also couldn't arrive without its own share of dramas and trials and tribulations. But let's just say that Mr. Clydesdale is doing well and has everything all sorted and will be well looked after and I can leave and go to Hawaii without worry.

There were many days of worry last week. Filled with sobbing. Oh the sobbing. Did you hear the sobbing? I bet you did. I cried enough for all of you and then some of you others, as well. And I told Dave that I wasn't going to Hawaii. That he could just go without me. That I would be staying right here, thank you very much.

But all that is past. I've packed. I've exfoliated. I've got my toe nails painted.

And I'm not taking my computer with me. It's staying at home. A gift to my dear sweet Dave who has suffered quite enough and deserves his wife's undivided attention for the next ten days. Really, it's the least that I can do.

I will be back with naked Maui pictures to share as well as stories about swimming with dolphins and hopefully about how Dave finally proved that whales really do exist.

Happy New Year to all of you. It's my hope that 2005 is a year that brings fulfillment of promises and dreams and all good things to each of you.