nakedjen

The Hair's Still There

For Lavonne.  Because she asked.  I hope her hair is looking just as stylish these days.  ;-)  It hasn't really grown as much as one might expect since December 21st, has it?  If I were to actually measure, I'd say it's just over an inch long.  It's going to be a while before I'll be needing my ponytail holders.  I think I'm about done, though, with all that grey.  Honestly.  It's time for at least some COLOR on that head of mine, don't you think?

P.S.  I am sorry this is not a nakedfriday picture.  I need to get back in the saddle and start doing those again.  Haven't felt much up for it lately.  But watch this space because I do believe the nakedness will be returning soon. 

really. missing. my. dog.

so i'm going through my days these days, right? moving along. smiling. feeling like maybe i can do this whole life without dog thing. walking on the beach all by myself isn't so bad. not having to come home to make sure clyde's okay isn't the end of the world. being able to spend an entire day in berkeley without rushing home to cook him dinner and do the vitamins actually felt like a luxury.

but then today while i was at logos? just minding my own business. looking at herb books. harmless little herb books. herb books that have no sentimental value whatsoever. tears. sobs. crumpled nakedjen on the floor between the herb books and the pregnancy books. snot running in all forms from her nose. sob.sob.sob.sob.

not pretty. could not even begin to pull myself together to let the poor woman who was quite concerned know that i was, in fact, all right. i was just really missing my dog. really. missing. my. dog.

some day, i know, the herb books at logos will not create such a strong reaction. but when flipping through them and finding, oh, a tincture for osteoarthritis and then remembering that you had brewed that very tincture for your dear sweet handsome man...

well, tears.  and missing.  and sobs.  and yes, i will be okay.

__________________

Dear Brad, I Know It Hurts...

My Dearest, dearest Brad,

I just wanted to write you to tell you how absolutely moist I became when I learned about your recent breakup with that washed up TV star, Jennifer Aniston. She obviously doesn't go downtown or maybe it's her stupid "friends" that caused the breakup. No matter how lonely you are right now, it will get better, I promise. Especially if you call me immediately. If you ever need a late night booty call I would be there for you. I realize we've never actually met, but I promise you, I've seen all your movies and stalked you at least three times. If you're curious about me, I'm disease free, and love to get all naked and, you know... and I can't stand mindgames.  By the way, I absolutely loved you so much in Ocean's Twelve and I think you DEFINITELY should have won an Academy Award for your work in Snatch -- I'm serious!.  I know I'm just three anonymous holes to explore but sometimes its helpful to have a naked girl who can make you laugh. We can make fun of David Schwimmer whereever and whenever you want. I will listen to you and not steal money from your wallet and maybe I can eventually become your lover. I wish you nothing but my legs wrapped around your neck.

Tie me up,
nakedjen

PS: Please say thanks for last night to George Clooney.

PPS: Oh yeah, and I also have this friend stephanie and she loves to have threesomes and also wouldn't mind making you feel better.

Messages from Clyde

clyde came home today.  well, correction.  his box came home today.  it seems, as i suspected, that clyde's been here all along.  right here.  but i finally went and picked up his box and ashes today and it is truly lovely.  all engraved on the top with a scene of a "peaceful place" and a path leading through the woods towards the mountains.  it kind of looks like bonny doon.  i'm sure clyde likes it. 

my phone rang this morning with a call from clyde.  no, people, i do not need to be committed.  well, at least not for that reason.  amito, clyde's trusty pet psychic was calling.  she had a few messages from clyde.  i haven't spoken to her since clyde died.  i've wanted to call, but just haven't.  anyway, she called me.  because she had messages that clyde wanted me to know.

like that he's very much okay.  and that he finds it quite funny that i say goodbye to him whenever i leave the house, because he's always coming with me.  he doesn't stay behind.  and he's quite enjoying these very long walks we're going on these days.  he loves the beach, especially and he's not surprised at all that i keep turning around and looking for him behind me because that's right where he is.  and he was thumping his tail the other morning on the floor just to make sure that dave and i really knew that he was still around.  he was very glad that we heard it.  and it's not necessary to leave the light on for him anymore when i leave the house, because, like he said, he's always coming with me now.  he doesn't have to stay behind and he likes that very much.  and the next time i make cookies, he'll try to supervise a little more carefully. 

yes, he really said all these things!  i was a little shocked, but then also couldn't help myself from grinning from ear to ear.  because wouldn't you just expect clyde to say these very things?

and he laughed about picking up the ashes.  didn't i know they were just that, ashes?  and if i wanted to leave them at the animal hospital forever, well, that was okay with him.  he didn't care what i did with them at all.  really.  he told me to remember that it wasn't him in that box.  just a memory of an old body that was no longer useful on this planet. and he also said that he knew that dave and i were having "words" about getting a new dog.  he wanted me to know that i shouldn't even think about a new dog, to just leave that to him.  he is already working on it.  and when the time is right, he'll bring the right dog into my life.  but just because that dog comes does not mean he's leaving.  he says he's always going to be there.  he's my clydefairy now. 

and he also wanted me to know that harry is quite a nice fairy, too.

Reason #57 Why I Love Dave

Dave came home this afternoon from the office to fix himself some lunch.  I was on my way out to go see the neurologist.  (No need to sound alarms, it was time for a yearly check-in to make sure that my head, is in fact, still screwed on properly.  It is.).  He casually mentioned to me that he had stopped past the card shop on the way home.

Dave:  I tried to find you a valentine's card, but I just got really frustrated.  And they were all like $7.

NakedJen:  Oh sweetie, a 99 cent card would have been just fine.

Dave:  Oh no it wouldn't.  Not for you.  You need the special cards.  The ones made with handmade paper that come from England.  The unique cards.  The cards no one else will have.  The one of a kind ones.  Because you're one of a kind.

NakedJen throws her arms around her husband and kisses him profusely. 

NakedJen:  Dave, that was perfect.  I don't need a card now at all.  What you said is better than any card you could have possibly found.  You think I'm one of a kind. 

Dave just stood there totally perplexed.  He had no idea that he had just said the most perfect thing.  And that, my dears, made it all the more special.

I love that man.  He's my valentine.

Clots That Could Choke A Rhinoceros

hee. hee.  let's see how many google hits i get for that one, eh?

i know that i often talk about my period in here and today is another day when i'm going to do just that. if you'd like not to know, just skip this part. lalalala. so last month, on the new moon, we were in hawaii. and i got my period. and my goodness. it was like old times. short. sweet. to the point. not a lot of blood. no accidents. not cramping. three days. done. i remarked to dave that perhaps all that madness was behind me.

new moon was yesterday as you all should already know. period arrived right on schedule. in floods. gushing geysers. clots the size of my head. i honestly feel like a cow. a big cow with a ginormous uterus.

and of course, because i'm me, i went to the post office today. and because i'm me and have told this story so many times, you all know what happened. don't you? you already are going, "no, jen, please say it isn't so." but i can't do that, now, can i? because i have pants with blood soaked down to the knees. or ankles, depending on which side you're checking out. disgusting. and guess what else? they're my very favorite jeans. my high school jeans. my jeans that have been with me since i was sixteen. and now? now? bloody hell. just plain bloody hell. they look like they played a role in carrie.

i'm hopeful that the wash will bring them back. i walked home, gushing blood in amounts that just seemed quite impossible, and into our garage and ripped the pants off and threw them into the washer. with enough oxyclean to sink a ship. they're still soaking. the oxyclean bubbles are bright red. like a murder took place. yikes.

so here's what i'm thinking. i've been going for acupuncture treatments. i went in november. in december, whamo, blood like niagra falls. i didn't go in december because the clinic was closed for the holidays and we were off to hawaii. i went two weeks ago, because we were back. i mentioned to my acupuncturist that things are definitely productive! she gave me more special pills and herbs, and needles in places we don't really even want to discuss. no, seriously, you don't want to know.

and now, new moon. and a red river is flowing out of me like the amazon. along with the clots that could choke a rhinoceros. thank god i'm otherwise healthy. otherwise i might just faint from the loss of all this blood.

we'll see how long this lasts. it's day two. i want it all over tomorrow. somehow, i don't think that's gonna happen. but if i get to day five and i'm still bleeding all over the post office? well, national security may be at risk.

Clyde Can Cook

it is official. i can not make clyde's cookies without clyde. i just made a completely FUBARED batch. i wanted to take them to the new moon gathering tonight. i'm not sure they're fit for consumption.

this was my first batch that i have EVER made in my entire life without clyde here to supervise. i meant it when i said they were clyde tested and clyde approved. and now, well, he's not here approving them and they taste like rotten hockey pucks.

that dog was more magical than he let on.  really, he was.

The Clyde Care Fund or Giving Thanks for Clyde

Before I type anything, I must acknowledge Bakerina for her very kind words regarding how exactly raw I feel.  Our dear Bakerina has almost as wonderful a way with words as she does with food.  If you have never read her wonderful food blog, rush right over there right now and check it out.  Go.  Now.  You can come back here afterward and read what I have to say.

That is Than.  Let us all give thanks and praise to Than.  I know you're wondering why we should give thanks and praise to a man with long blonde hair who doesn't really look like a messiah.  I'll tell you why.  Than is the man responsible for bringing the wonderful Clydesdale into my life.  A few days after my dear sweet Gatsby died, Than showed up on my doorstep with an 8-week old terror of a puppy sporting a blue bandanna for a collar.  Total terror.  Tasmanian devil terror.  And as I was still quite despondent over the loss of the Great Gatsby, I wasn't at all prepared to take on this whirling dervish, let him into my life or into my heart.  But Than told me that this megawatt puppy had already been adopted and returned to the shelter three times and that if we took him back, he'd be destroyed.  I couldn't possibly have that on my conscience.   So, I took that puppy into my arms and that was that really.  I never let him go.

As you can see, the puppy grew up.  To be a rather large dog.  With a passion for tennis balls, Frisbees, the beach and the water.  Labs are water dogs, and Clyde could swim and surf with the best of them.  When we spent a couple summers kayaking on the rivers in Oregon, Clyde came along and would swim along behind and shoot every rapid.  He had a gusto for life and adventure and no matter what we were doing, Clyde always had a smile on his face and was ready to do it again!

Not the most flattering picture of us, but I still love it.  We're both exhausted after a hard day of kayaking.  Looking at that picture now, I realize that it's also how we spent much of the last month of Clyde's life.  I moved onto the floor to sleep with him.  And we slept together every night, our bodies totally pressed against one another.  My energy seeping into him, his love seeping into me.  Clyde was big on snuggling.  If you were in the vicinity, he was always going to press his whole body against yours and make sure you knew that he was there.

Look at that handsome man!  I think that is one of my favorite pictures of Clyde.  His eyes tell the whole story here.  He's hoping you'll pick that bone up and play with him.  Clyde was like a zen master when it came to his ability to concentrate and focus on what he wanted.  He would lie just like that for hours and hours just waiting for someone, anyone, to pick up that bone and give it a toss.  I sometimes thought that the waiting for him was just as fun as the fetching. 

It's naked Friday.  And long before there was nakedjen, there was Naked Jen and her dog Clyde.  And some tinsel for the holidays for good measure.

There are those of you whom have written to me directly and expressed an interest in donating to a cause in Clyde's name.  I am overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness and your generous spirits.  Especially since most of you have never really met me or Clyde in person.  I was able to set up a fund today at our favorite animal hospital that was responsible for all the good care that Clyde received over the years while he lived in Santa Cruz.

The Clyde Care Fund has been established to provide care to dogs who might otherwise not be able to afford it.  All dogs deserve to have the love and the care that Clyde received and I know that it will make him happy to know that others are getting at least a small part of it thanks to him. 

If you'd like to make a donation to the Clyde Care Fund, you can send a check to:

The Westside Animal Hospital
411 Laurel Street
Santa Cruz, California 95060

Be sure to tell them that it's in memory of Clyde.  I have already established the fund today so it's all good to go.

Or you can donate through pay-pal.  The account is dreamsweet@pacbell.net  That is my own account, so I'll make sure that all the money goes directly to the hospital.  Of course, as I said, I'm just overwhelmed that anyone else wants to contribute.  I guess I never realized just how many lives Clyde truly touched.

Clyde's final picture.  Taken just a few moments before he died.  He was glowing.  Like ET.  He was ready to "go home".  Rest in peace, sweet man.  You will always be loved and never forgotten.

life without dog

i think i shall forever think of feb 2 as clyde day.  no more is it ground hog day, it's now clyde day.

i am raw. just plain raw. you think you're all prepared for this. you think that because you've had months to get used to the idea that your dear sweet dog is going to die that when he does you're going to be ready. you think it's going to be okay. and then the universe just grabs you and shakes you to your core and says, "HA!"

and not only that, but the universe has a very wicked sense of humor. dave and i thought we'd "escape" last night and go sit in a dark theatre and just watch a big movie screen and not think about things for a little while. we purposely did not go see hotel rawanda or bad education. we chose million dollar baby because we thought it was about boxing. let's just say that it wasn't exactly the BEST choice on a day like yesterday.

i can't stop crying. sobbing. and i feel terribly guilty. i feel like i just didn't do quite enough for clyde. that there was more i could have done to keep him healthy, to help him live a longer life. and while i KNOW intellectually that really i did do just about all that a human could do for her lovely canine companion, i still feel like i didn't do enough. that i failed him. and it's the worst feeling in the world. tears are streaming down my face while i type this. i'm just plain raw.

i woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and spent ten minutes wandering the house looking for clyde. and i knew he wasn't here, but i kept looking for him anyway. it's almost like my body is on auto-pilot. if i woke up and he wasn't on his bed in our bedroom, i always went and found him and made sure he was okay. and i was determined to find him last night and make sure he was still breathing and still okay. and i finally just collapsed on the floor of the guest bedroom (where we had been sleeping together for the last month) and sobbed and sobbed.

i know it will get better. i know it will. but honestly, this life without dog, this life without clyde, just plain sucks and i'm not very good at it. in fact, i suck at it. this is not the life i signed up for and right now i'd do anything to have him back.

Fare Thee Well, Clydesdale

Clyde moved on to his next life today at 12:30 p.m.

To say that he was an amazing dog is, quite frankly, not saying enough at all.

I know that those of you who were lucky enough to know him will agree.  I also know that he will live on in all of our hearts. 

He was very well loved and he loved very well in return.

And he is most certainly already missed.

Rest in Peace, Clyde.

I loved you completely.  Thank you for teaching me how to do just that.