nakedjen

Your Opinion Please

So, NakedMom, the same one who wants me to clean up my act, sends me an email today that tells me that I need to give my breasts lots of care and attention.  You all have seen my breasts plenty.  I think you can tell that I do give them lots of love and care and attention.  Why I even allow all of you to give them lots of love and care and attention.  However, I don't think that was exactly what NakedMom meant. 

My favorite aunt, Gay, recently had her own little battle with breast cancer.  Gay is NakedMom's little sister.  And honestly, she is my favorite.  I'm not just making that up just in case she happens to read this.  After all the hullabaloo I created over telling you all that HalfNakedRobin is the favorite daughter (and believe me there was quite the hullabaloo over that from NakedMom who claims there are NO FAVORITES, even though all three of her lovely daughters clearly know differently) I want to say that unequivocally, without a doubt, that Gay is most certainly my favorite aunt.  And she isn't my only aunt for those of you who were wondering.

Anyway, Gay has just finished her last round of chemotherapy in her own battle with breast cancer.  And today, NakedMom sent all three of her lovely daughters (she decided to include all three and not just the favorite, HalfNakedRobin in this particular email missive) a letter imploring them to please take extra good care of their breasts and be vigilant about self-exams and mammograms.  She said that now that it has happened to Gay, our own chances for breast cancer have just gone up exponentially. 

She also asked me if there wasn't some sort of magic tea that I could make for all of us to drink to protect our breasts.  Something so we just wouldn't have to worry about all this?  One that can keep us free and clear? 

Well to answer her question, there is a tea.  It is not going to keep us free and clear.  If I could create that tea, I'm sure I could make millions.  But I do have a "breast health" tea that is proved to help fibrocystic breasts and to keep breast tissue healthy in general.  And guess what?  It actually tastes pretty good, too.  And it's made from organic herbs.  Not chemicals.  Wow, who would have imagined? 

In addition to the tea for your breast health, I also have a tea that I just recently created for hot flashes.  Because I have another client who was suffering terribly from hot flashes and needed SOMETHING to please make it better.  So she asked me if I could help.  And I thought about it.  And I tried.  And low and behold, it actually worked.  She's feeling MUCH BETTER.  And we all know that those power surges can be a bit overwhelming for some women, so the fact that she can now make it through her days without feeling like her face is going to burn right off is a great improvement for her.  Really, it is.

Over the weekend, my mother in law called.  She said she was suffering from a horrible migraine and had been for a month.  She wondered if I could make her a tea that would help?  Of course I had to ask her a gazillion questions first to make sure that the tea wouldn't interfere with anything else that she was doing for her headache (I don't want to give people herbs that might be contraindicated with medications that they're taking).  I made her a tea and she's finally getting some relief!

So this has me thinking.  I know that there are people out there who have breasts, and hot flashes and migraines.  You may have one, two or all three!  Or maybe you have another ailment and need your own special tea.  I'm just doing an informal poll and really just need your opinion.  If I offered organic medicinal teas for the following would you be inclined to possibly purchase them?

Breast Health
Hot Flashes
Migraines
Allergies
Immunity
Men's Virility

And here's something else I'd like you to consider.  If you could ask me to make you your own special tea, a tea just for you for the specific ailments that you have or for your own health and vitality, would that be something you might want to have?  I'm just wondering if there are folks out there who would be interested in consulting with me and having me make them their own special blends.  Because I can very easily do that.  It's just a matter of knowing whether there's a market. 

And this, of course, is a VERY informal survey.  But you all are very good at telling me things when I ask, so I'm asking.  What do you think?  Do you need a tea for your breasts?

USPS Special Delivery

So we do not have a regular post man at chez naked.  This means that our mail sometimes comes very late in the evening or sometimes early in the morning or sometimes it just doesn't come at all.  I have called the post office and asked about this and have been told that our route needs to be reassigned, but that they're short staffed and well, they're working on it. 

So since we do not have a regular postal person at our house, I never think that the person who is ringing the door bell may well, in fact, be the postal person with a package to deliver to the Nakeds.  I'm usually expecting sweet Mormon boys who want to tell me all about THEIR GOD until I tell them that I'm already covered, thanks, since I've got NeverNakedBeth who has already taken care of all the sins I have committed and has assured me a place in their heaven.  Yes, I thank goddess every day for NeverNakedBeth because on the off chance that those Mormon's are right about THEIR GOD and THEIR AFTERLIFE, well, at least I know that I've got my FREE PASS and will at least get a choice.  That's how I see it.  I'll get a choice.  Mormon Heaven?  Is it vegetarian?  Well, what are they serving in the other heaven?  Because I really do not eat meat or mayonnaise.  Not too fond of eggs, either.  Can I see the menu, please? 

I know all of you are laughing at me that I even think that there's a menu option in Heaven.  But hey, if there's a menu option on the RSVP cards for weddings, why not in Mormon Heaven?  You tell me why not, huh?

But that isn't even why I'm telling you this story.  The Mormon Boys did not ring my doorbell yesterday.  At around 2:00 yesterday afternoon my doorbell rang.  And I, as I often am, was stark naked.  I had taken my clothes off much earlier in the day to shower, but of course I had gotten very distracted with a number of things including sorting things for our garage sale this Saturday, and just hadn't bothered to put any clothes on.  This is, after all, chez naked.  So the doorbell rang.  And what did I do?  Yes, you know exactly what I did. 

I walked over and answered it.  I totally forgot (and I'm not making this up) that I was not wearing any clothes.  I just didn't even think about it.  And there was a postal worker.  Of the male persuasion.  With a package for NakedJen.  Well, at least I really was Naked! 

He stammered and looked at the ground, but he couldn't hide the biggest grin you have ever seen.  No sir.  That grin was reaching all the way to the East Coast, it was so big.  I acted as nonchalantly as I possibly could.  Like answering the door naked was just what every person does on a regular basis.  I thanked him for the package.  And I quietly and slowly shut the door.  He was still standing there.  I think it took him a few minutes to actually walk away.  And I'm sure that delivery was the talk of the post office all afternoon!

What you want to bet we now get a regular postal person? 

Finding True Love In The Yellow Pages

It was a secret that was not easy to keep.  Not at all. 

I don't often write about my bestest friend, Wendee, here in this blog, primarily because she lives in Las Vegas and I live in Santa Cruz and thus we do not get to spend a lot of actual time in each others company.  Plus, her life is her life, not my life, and while I'm always happy to share even the most mundane or intimate details of MY life with the Internet, it doesn't seem fair to always share the details of the lives of those whom I love so dearly.  In this case, however, I actually have permission.  So you're getting all the details. 

Like I said, it was a secret that was NOT easy to keep.  Not at all.  Especially since we have quite a few friends in common and some of those friends I actually see in person quite frequently.  But Wendee swore me to secrecy and what are best friends for if not for keeping secrets locked down tight and never told?  You don't make pinkie promises and then blab about them the next day to anyone who will listen.  That just isn't how it goes in bestest friend world.

In January, yes JANUARY, Wendee called me and told me that she and Randy, the love of her life, the Tennessee Titan who she had found in the yellow pages under Sales (imagine that?), just might be getting married.  The might part was Wendee's way of making sure the universe did not ruin their plans as she had once loved dearly before and had things go terribly and tragically awry, and this time she wasn't going to have that happen.  I honestly could not believe in a universe that would be so cruel and actually believed that Randy, this amazing love who was found when Wendee let her fingers (and a little more) do the walking in the yellow pages, was in fact sent by divine kevinly intervention and that all would be well.  Wendee asked me not to tell anyone.  Not a soul.  Not to talk about it.  Please.  And by the way, she and Randy had discussed it and would I be so kind as to perform the ceremony?  Because they couldn't think of anyone better to actually marry them. 

So the stealth wedding was set into motion.  All very undercover.  All very hush hush.  They decided that they'd like a beach wedding.  In Laguna Beach.  With the lovely Sasha the wonder dog present to give her blessing. So perhaps Dave could be Sasha's date?  So he could hold her leash?  And wouldn't the new moon be the best day to do it?  In March?  Everything significant for Wendee and Randy seemed to happen with the new moon, so it seemed only right that this next step in their lives together begin on a new moon as well.

They were totally trusting and left the ceremony to me.  Just give us some regular old vows, they said.  But hey, this is Wendee.  My bestest friend.  I couldn't just give them some regular old vows.  I wanted her to only ever get married once.  I wanted her to only ever have this experience once.  I wanted these vows to mean something, to matter, to feel significant.  I wanted this to be a wedding ceremony that they could both remember fondly.  So I made myself rather batty trying to do just that!

Last Wednesday Dave and I flew to Laguna Beach.  We all gathered together at a beach house Wendee and Randy had rented and the love fest began.  And what a love fest it was.  Gosh, it was just incredible.  Love was just flowing from every pore.  All of us had permagrins and giggles.  Wendee and I spent most of Wednesday running last minute errands to find some flowers for bouquets and the ever evasive proper sucker-inner for under the wedding dress.  Everyone wants to look fabulous on their wedding day for the pictures and Wendee, as relaxed as she was about positively everything, was no exception.  She was the bride!  She deserved to look and feel fantabulous!

We spent Wednesday night cooking a yummy salmon dinner and playing the nineties version of trivial pursuit while I also made the wedding cake.  Wendee wanted a fluffy chocolate cake.  I brought all the stuff with me from Santa Cruz (causing quite the consternation by the TSA agents as my backpack went through security..."Uh, miss, is that flour?  That looks like a spatula?  Are you a baker?" To which I replied, "Not like Bakerina, I'm not!") since I had no idea what to expect in the little rental kitchen and had picked up butter and eggs at Wild Oats earlier that day when we arrived in Laguna Beach.  Despite being distracted with cake making, Dave and I still trounced poor Wendee and Randy and I kept my Trivia Queen crown quite intact.

Thursday morning we gathered at a diner for breakfast and were joined by the rest of the wedding crew.  I say that as if there were masses of people, but, let's remember, this was STEALTH WEDDING.  So we were joined by just two very special people.  Pinky and Tony.  Who drove down from LA.  And now we were complete.  We had a bride and groom.  We had an officiant.  We had witnesses.  We were going to have a wedding.

Cognitive Dissonance or Should That Be Dogonance?

meet bounce.  he's a pit bull rescue puppy.  god, please help me.  i've been totally obsessing and trolling these rescue sites.  and well, honestly, i don't think it's the healthiest activity for me right now.

had a long talk with dave last night about getting another dog. dave is still rather wary of another dog in our lives rightthisveryminute. but i explained that this is going to take some time anyway and not happen right away. his main concern, really? it's financial. and i totally understand. he said to me, "you are not the type of person who says "NO" when it comes to dog care." and he's very right. and clyde was costing us $800 a month in the last year of his life. and we just kept paying it. we never said, "this is too much money we can't do this!" somehow, we just made it work even though we were both unemployed. so dave is already thinking that this new dog is going to cost us all kinds of money. but i reminded him that young dogs are not NEARLY as expensive as OLD dogs. but then he reminded me that young dogs eventually do become OLD dogs. but i said we couldn't predict how much this dog would cost when he was OLD. and i reminded dave that i'm an even better dog mom now than i was when i first got clyde so i would be taking even better care of this dog right from the start and perhaps we could avoid all the expenses that came later in clyde's life. and i also said we could get insurance for this dog right from the start. clyde actually had insurance when he was younger and it was a godsend for me when he broke his leg. but then i had to let it lapse because i became homeless and was on food stamps. i'm hopeful that wouldn't happen this time around. i guess you just can never predict what happens in your life.

anyway, dave wanted to know why i really "needed" a dog. he tried to chalk it up to the fact that i'm alone all day and he's at "work" all day and i just get lonely. but that really isn't it. i tried to explain to him that i am a DOG PERSON. i just have always had a dog in my life. my life feels empty without a dog. and now, just typing that, here come the tears. because really, my life feels empty without clyde. and i don't know what to do. another dog is not going to be clyde. not at all.

you know, clyde came barreling into my life when i was 24. we both grew up together. really. he was there with me while i figured out who the hell i was. and he loved me through every step of the way. he protected me when greg was abusive. he kept me safe and warm when we were living in my van. he never complained when we had to eat oatmeal and flax seeds for dinner. he always came to find me at dead shows. he knew he was my protector and he took his job very, very seriously. when dave came into my life, he checked him out and when he decided he was okay, he gave up his side of the bed for him and moved onto the floor. he learned how to alert me when i had seizures so that i would sit down and not hurt myself. really, that dog was a gift from the universe. and every day without him is just so hard. and i know i write about this all the time, but i'm just having such a very difficult time living my life without him.

so i don't even know if bounce is the right dog for me. but they say he's terribly bright. and i know that i need a very smart dog. one who wants a job. and they say that this dog wants a job. i like having dogs that are somewhat of a challenge. dogs that need lots of "work" and patience and love.

dave said last night that he can not give to me what i obviously get from a dog. and he's very right. he can't. he also told me if i HAVE to have a dog, i should go find a dog. the one thing i keep going back to, though, is that clyde said he would find me a dog and bring me one when i was truly ready. and so, i'm wondering to myself if i'm maybe NOT ready. because i keep looking at rescue sights. but if clyde is really bringing me a dog, don't you think the dog would just somehow find his way to me? there's a very large part of me that believes that it would.

gosh. such confusion. i feel like i need to talk to clyde. he would tell me exactly what to do.

Sitting at the Popular Table

I was never one of the girls at school who was ever invited to sit at the popular table at lunch.  Oh, I occasionally got to join in on the fun because my roommate held court there on a near daily basis, but in general, I wasn't ever really "supposed" to sit there.  Maybe I was just a tad too smart or a tad too different or well, yes, a tad too loud and odd, but the popular table was just plain off limits to the likes of me at my boarding school. 

I want to tell you that this never really bothered me, but obviously I would be a lying fool since I'm still thinking about it and even writing about it and confessing this to all of you nearly 25 years later.  Sheesh.  You'd think I would get over myself.

Well, folks, today I think I did.  In all my excitement about posting my own first post on the Ten:Ten blog I completely forgot to tell all of you that I, little old Nakedjen, have finally been invited to sit at the popular table.  I get to hang out with the cool kids.  The one's with whom everyone else wishes they could "hang".  Or at least that's what I want to believe.

Thanks to the every wonderful and magnificent GraceD and because of the gracious and special invitation from Jo Spanglemonkey, I now get to chronicle my daily 10:10 a.m. doings for all of the world over at Ten:Ten.  I can't believe I get to play with the popular kids.  Me.  Nakedjen.  Who would have imagined?

So I posted my first post today and just got giddy with excitement.  I promise to do my very best to keep it real and keep it entertaining.  I really am happy to be at the popular table.  I like how it feels.  A naked girl could get used to this.  Really, she could.

Hope, Wonder, Thanks

CONFESSION: I have a huge confession to make.  I really have been lusting after Brad Pitt.  Wanting to just scoop him up and take him home and make him all mine.  All mine.  Now, before you all go calling Dave and telling him that his wife is having unfaithful thoughts and isn't being true to her one and only, let's get one thing clear.  Brad Pitt is a dog.  Well, yes, I know some of you already think that, but honestly, he is a dog.  A beautiful dog.  A pitt bull.  Here, see for yourself.

How can you resist that face?  Well, I found myself unable to do it.  I couldn't get Brad Pitt out of my head.  He was haunting me.  I found myself thinking about him all the time.  The fact that he was deaf and a special needs dog just made him even more special to me.  So while I knew that the omnipresent Clydesdale was still here with me in so many ways, I also knew that my heart and body was just aching for another physical dog to love and care for and take on long walks on the beach.  So I contacted the kind man who was fostering Brad Pitt and asked about him.  We exchanged quite a few emails, but in the end, it just wasn't meant to be.  LaVonne was right.  I've got a great husband.  I shouldn't be lusting after Brad.  But I just couldn't help myself. 

Brad Pitt found himself a wonderful forever home and I'm happy for him.  I also learned a really valuable lesson in the whole process.  My body may be ready and aching for another dog, but my heart sure isn't ready at all.  In fact, when it seemed like Brad might actually become a reality, I almost panicked wondering how Clyde would feel.  As I said, Clyde is still very much omnipresent.  And while I know I am one very good dog mama, I don't think I'm quite ready to be a dog mama to any OTHER dog just yet.  I know I will be and wonderful, loveable Brad Pitt just helped to push me in that direction. 

DREAMING I've been dreaming of finishing school.  I'm ready to be done.  Finito.  All sewn up.  I really need to just put the nose to the grindstone (who really puts their nose to a grindstone, I wonder?) and just get it all done.  This distance learning stuff is not for the fair-weather student.  While I am quite disciplined, I also am most definitely a "dreamer" and can find all manner of reasons why it's more important for me to do any number of things than crack those books and learn more about chinese herbs and terminology.  Really.  Why some days removing the mold from the ceiling above our shower is a far more important task than how to properly mix an herbal infusion for a stuffy nose.  You think I'm kidding?  You should see the ceiling above our shower. 

WONDERING If I created an herbal tea specifically for allergies, would it really sell?  What about one for boosting your immunity?  And how about one for men's virility and health?  Do you think there are men who would drink a tea like that?  Hard to know, really.  There are so many other "teas" out there these days.  Good lord is that a market that has just exploded.  But what about truly organic medicinal teas?  That's really my category.  That's where the Dreamsweet Teas fall in line.  Would people like an herbal tea that helps give them beautiful skin?  I lie awake all night thinking about these things.  Because I know how to make these teas, but am wondering, will people actually WANT them? 

HOPEFUL Feeling rather hopeful because the universe keeps reminding me that she's always listening and always ready to deliver.  Those teas?  Well with no marketing at all they're already taking off.  Which is fantastic since Dave and I were getting down to our last seven dollars.  It always seem we hit the last seven dollars and then we spin around three times and poof.  We figure out way out again.  It's not a fun way to live, though.  I will admit that first and foremost.  Not at all, especially for Dave.  But it is a good learning lesson for him.  He's learning that universe does, in fact, provide.  Especially if you just get out of the way and let it.

I'm hopeful also for all the new beginnings that I see before me.  Spring is right around the corner and I feel like life is just popping up all over the place to remind me to stay hopeful.  I feel like everyone I know is getting blessed BIG FAT POSITIVES these days.  So many women I know are finding themselves pregnant that I'm actually wondering if there's something in our water source that the government has neglected to tell us about.  The thought of all those babies coming into this world fills me with such wonder at how life just goes on.  It does.  In a big circle.  I'm hopeful for all those babies.  I also hope that we can continue to work to make this a better, healthier world for them. 

I could have been discouraged this morning when I read that environmentalism is dead.  But I can't ascribe to that belief.  I eat organics.  I support organic farmers and try to create the smallest footprint possible on this planet.  I want to believe that because the organic market continues to grow at exponential rates that others are joining my bandwagon.  That others are making their own efforts to leave a tiny footprint.  That there are others on this planet who care as much as I do about the legacy they leave for our children.  I have to remain hopeful about this.  I just do.

THANKFUL I am thankful for the wonderful and amazing circle of friends that I have who love me unconditionally and make me feel like I matter.  They are the best.  Truly the very best. 

Half Eaten Shoes

my youngest sister, halfnakedrobin, sent me a package. i received it today. seventeen years ago, shortly after clyde came whirling into my life, i left colorado in a whirlwind of my own and landed on my own mother's doorstep in washington, dc. me and my puppy and little else. the clothes on my back. i was thankful that my mom had a house where i could, in fact, land.

my sister, halfnakedrobin, was living there at the time in the english basement apartment that is part of my mother's townhouse. she had recently graduated from college. in fact, clyde went to her college graduation in north carolina. he even waltzed across the stage with the graduates and paused to ask for a diploma before running off and narrowly escaping the big gruff security guys. that dog.

anyway, after graduation, halfnakedrobin left north carolina and came and took over the apartment in mom's basement. and then i arrived from colorado. and announced that i was going to liver there, too. halfnakedrobin was not at all happy about this arrangement, but because she's the YOUNGER sister, she had to go along with it. before you go saying, "poor halfnakedrobin" do not feel too sorry for her. she has always been our mother's most favored child and has had her share of many blessings. and clyde and i needed a place to crash, man. it was there or the streets and the streets wouldn't come until much later.

now let's remember that clyde was a puppy. a tasmanian devil puppy. a whirling dirvish puppy of fur and teeth and unbridled energy. a puppy who for some reason could discern which shoes belonged to halfnakedrobin and which shoes belonged to nakedjen. maybe it was because my shoes were all from england and were made of expensive leather. or maybe it was because halfnakedrobin's shoes were not. but in any case, clyde seemed to get lots of joy out of choosing one of halfnakedrobin's favorite shoes and chewing it into one inch by one inch pieces. always her shoes. never my shoes.

the thing is, halfnakedrobin is just as much a dog lover as i am. really and truly. she loves dogs with every fiber of her being. but clyde knew that she wasn't his. and never would be. and neither were her shoes.

so a package came today. for me. from halfnakedrobin. inside? one seventeen year old half eaten shoe. complete with clyde teeth marks. lots of clyde teeth marks. the note from halfnakedrobin said that she thought it would make me laugh. it made me gasp. there was still so much of the young whirling nutso clyde in that shoe. halfnakedrobin suggested that i get it bronzed. which i think i might. for now, it's sitting on clyde's altar. next to his ashes. with his tennis ball. a tribute to all that he was and still is.

halfnakedrobin also included a CD. music by jack johnson called "in between dreams". she said that she always used to sing to her own dog, lucy (who tragically died two years ago) every morning. halfnakedrobin never noticed it, but her housemates always did and that's how they knew exactly how much she loved lu,lu,lucy. she heard the song "better together" from this CD and the minute she heard it she thought of her morning walks with lucy and knew she would have sung that song to her dog. it also made halfnakedrobin think of me. and clyde. and how much the two of us shared and our own morning walks together. for hours.

there was another song on the CD, though, that really, really struck me. truly. to the core. better together is a happy song and i love it. but this song, "if i could" just hit me in the heart. and to my core. as i doula i witness life being born all the time. and in my work as an herbalist and healer, i see life slip away. one goes out. one comes in.

i wish i could somehow link the mp3 for you here. it's an amazing song. halfnakedrobin had no idea when she sent me that package just how deeply she'd touch me. or maybe she did. the shoe made me cry. but the music? it will always make me smile.

p.s.  halfnakedrobin reads nakedjen.  thank you, dear sweet sister.  you made me both laugh and cry today and love you more than ever. 

Take Two Teas and Call Me In The Morning

As you all know, I have been studying herbal medicine for what feels like a lifetime.  Especially for all of you poor nakedjen readers who just want to grab me and shake me by the shoulders and say, "Graduate already, you silly girl!" 

Well, I'm thisclosetograduating, but in the meantime, a girl's got to make a living.  You know?  Clyde doesn't need quite the care and feeding that he used to require and my days have some extra time in them now. 

Over the years as I've been becoming the master herbalist that I am, I have worked with some people who have had some rather common challenges.  The three biggest challenges have been infertility, a lacking libido, and not being able to get to sleep.  And yes, I have certainly had those clients who have suffered from all three at the same time.  Trust me, you did NOT want to be hanging at the cafe with those particular individuals.  A woman who desparately wants a baby but isn't at all interested in sex and hasn't slept in seven weeks is not a woman you want to have share your cuppa.  That ticking clock that can't seem to get ready for a wild ride or find time to shut down is really just a bomb waiting to explode.

But this is where nakedjen and her herbal magik come in very handy.  Like I said, I've had more than a few folks come to me with these various problems and over the years I've developed some proprietary organic herbal blends that really do seem to help.  Honestly.  They really do.  I'm not about to take credit for infertile women getting pregnant or ice-cubes starting to boil or insomniacs finally getting a good night's sleep, but I will say that there's a very good possibility that the herbs helped.  In some cases in a BIG WAY.

I've been asked over and over again why I didn't sell my teas.  Why I always just mixed them up and gave them away.  And it's sort of like my Clyde's Cookies.  It just felt better to spread the joy.  However, lately, I've realized that I do have a rather unique offering.  Organic.  Herbal.  Doesn't interfere with whatever drugs you're taking.  Can't hurt.  Might actually help.  Definitely gets the juices flowing, in the case of my Sexualitea, which I've been told makes you hornier than...well...Paris Hilton?  Maybe.  I suppose your mileage may actually vary.

So all this is a long way of telling you that I finally got my act together and with the help of the best husband on the entire planet (and I do mean that quite seriously because there's no way I could possibly do this without him) I have thrown together a little website and am now selling Dreamsweet's Organic Holistic Teas.  For what may ail you. 

Go ahead.  Have a look.  I'm not expecting you to purchase, but just thought I'd let you know.  Just in case you're really wanting a baby, but can't seem to find any sexual drive at all and are having trouble turning off that chatterbox brain of yours.  'Cause, you know, there might be one or two of you out there.

Oscar 2005 Fashion: Mermaids Belong In The Sea

i know at this point it is so daybeforeyesterday's news but i feel compelled to write about the oscars. we all know that at one point in my nakedjen lifetime i lived and died by the manolos and versaces. the oscar's red carpet makes me practically hyperventilate in anticipation of what might just appear.

i have one primary thing to say about this year's overall fashion statement. mermaids do far better swimming in the sea than they do walking on the planet.

i was not at all impressed by the mermaid gowns. not at all. this is primarily because those who chose to wear them would have looked FAR BETTER if they had chosen a different style of dress. a mermaid gown is not flattering to those of us who have broad hips. and honey, that's most of us. really and truly. we are women. we are meant to create life. we have broad hips. very few of us can pull off a gown that is hugging our hips like a girdle only to then accentuate their broadness with a flippy skirt near our feet. just doesn't work.

there's been a lot of talk about hilary swank's dress. oprah nearly went into cardiac arrest gushing over it. and we all know if oprah says it's fabulous, well we're going to have ten million women all around the world rushing to buy one just like it. i hope that in this case they don't. we all must remember that hilary swank had a team of professional trainers working with her seven days a week to have a back that beautiful. a back that had not an ounce of fat and beautiful lats and was just lovely to look at. the rest of us, oprah included, do not have backs like that. and our backs aren't going to look quite that good in that dress. let's also remember that we don't have the "magic" underwear that hollywood has. just like they have magic potions for their hair, they also have magic undergarments. some day one of us is going to crack that code and make millions of dollars sharing those magic undergarments with the rest of the world. but right now? we're stuck with our panties from victoria's secret. and those are not going to cut it under that dress.

the thing about that dress? it was lovely if hilary had been walking into the oscars BACKWARDS. but we don't walk into the oscars backwards, now, do we? no, we walk into the oscars and up to the stage facing forward. and hilary admitted that she chose it because it had LONG SLEEVES and she was worried that it was going to be a cold and chilly night and she wanted to be warm and comfortable. from the front she looked like she was certainly warm and comfortable and all wrapped up mummy style. a bobble head doll over a sea of navy blue fabric. like i said, if she spent the night walking around backwards, it was quite dramatic. but from the front? eh. not so much.

i wasn't quite so enamoured with all the yellow this year. and versace actually got far too much exposure. messy versace, too. poor virginia madsen. she was so proud to tell everyone that her mermaid dress had been made especially for her. the only problem was that when versace actually caught that chicken of the sea girl in their fishing net they forgot to remove the net before dumping virginia into the dress. she was a shipwreck.

i knew that the big bow on penelope cruz's posterior was going to create some problems. i even hoped that mr. de la renta had been kind and had velcroed it in place so she could pop it off and place it in her lap while sitting in her seat. the bow could double as her handbag for the evening! but sadly, this was not the case, and by the time she actually appeared on stage to present the bow had twisted itself into a mangled mess and just created a huge butt distraction. not lovely. not good at all.

another problem we had this year were the squished boobs. women you have breasts. some larger than others. please stop squishing them. it's not a good look. choose a dress that fits! there's an idea. and then if you're sad because it's not quite showing off your pilates thin waist the way you want, well, have it tailored. your stylists are paid a LOT of money. tell your stylist to stop squishing your boobs.  especially your breast-feeding ones!

it was beyonce's oscars and the rest of the folks were just there to act as extras. but beyonce, honey, you goofed when you attempted to actually wear the chandelier from phantom of the opera. there are times when there is too much bling. i needed my sunglasses for that number. and why you sang it instead of emma is still rather confusing to me. she was there in her own little red mermaid frock. why didn't she sing? maybe she didn't want to wear the chandelier?

melanie?  a word of advice.  don't let antonio go shopping in las vegas show girls' second hand shops for your oscar gown, sweetie.  you're not looking quite so fab these days and well, that dress?  not so good.  not so good at all.  but you told everyone who would listen that HE chose it because it was sexy and you were not going to tell him no.  next time?  tell him no.  please. 

kate winslet, who already has my vote because she married sam mendes, knows how to dress. she understands her body. she knows that she needs to avoid those mermaid dresses. a bias cut dress makes her look fabulous. and the one she chose from badgley mischka was so perfect for her. and so fashion forward. blue is this year's black. she looked like a breath of fresh air.

can someone please explain to me what was up with the ankhs? did you all notice johnny depp (who i will forgive for his outfit because he is, johnny depp, and well i expect him to look different) was sporting one in the center of his neck. and other men were sporting them as well? like an ankh has replaced a red ribbon or pink ribbon or whatever the ribbon of the day is. are ankhs some new political fashion statement that the hollywood establishment forgot to send me a memo about?

i will give props to chris rock. for a first time host, he managed to diss just about everyone in the audience in some form or another. i liked his opening monologue imploring hollywood studios to please wait for an actual "star" before making a movie. and how can i not love him for comparing george w's re-election to having a job review at the gap when you've somehow lost $80 trillion dollars in the cash register and have waged war on banana republic? loved that.

i was not happy, though, with the decision to a) put all the nominees on stage or b) give them award in their "section" of the audience. i know that the producers did this to save time, but it only really served to discount those oscars even more. hey, you're up for best short film. but guess what? we don't care. so we're going to have laura linney fashion victim (oh good god, laura, if you had a fashion stylist helping you please FIRE that person rightthisveryminute and i'm guessing you traveled in a time machine back to the 80's for your do?) stand here in the aisle next to your seat where we have all of you crammed together and give you your award right here. right here in the BACK ROW, because we can not be bothered to let you have your few minutes of oscar glory and allow you to walk up to the stage and receive your award like the IMPORTANT people. no. you want to go on stage? well then make a "REAL" movie for god's sake.

but poor martin scorsese made a real movie. and even he didn't get to go up on stage. as much as i thought million dollar baby was a good movie, i think martin scorsese was robbed this year. aviator was a CLASSIC film. it had all the pieces that a BEST PICTURE should have as well. but i'm not a voting member of the academy. so i don't get to choose. but i felt sorry that he didn't win.

my most thrilling moment? charlie kaufman actually WINNING the award for best original screenplay. it's no secret around here that i think he's just brilliant, but i was almost certain that he'd lose out to the aviator just because it seemed like an aviator kind of year. eternal sunshine is quirky. it is brilliant writing, but so not mainstream. but charlie always surprises us, he always is brilliant and i'm so glad that he won. and he certainly seemed just as shocked as the rest of us that he won.

in a hollywood world where mr. kaufman can win for best original screenplay, i still have hope that one day i might be on the arm of my own oscar contender.  yes hope.  because i'm married to one rather quirky and talented screenwriter myself.  and i have big hopes that one day he'll be on stage and forget to thank his wife.  of course, he also knows should i ever get on stage to accept an oscar (what for, you ask?  god knows.  maybe just for being nakedjen) i will thank clyde.  and probably forget to thank anyone else.  well, i'm sure i'll mention the universe.  and that pretty much covers my broad hips, right?  even if they're sporting a mermaid skirt.

p.s.  cinderella?  the pumpkin coach somehow didn't make it.  but your fairy godmother is looking for you. 

someone needs to let that woman know that ORANGE is not her most flattering color.  jeez!