i know at this point it is so daybeforeyesterday's news but i feel compelled to write about the oscars. we all know that at one point in my nakedjen lifetime i lived and died by the manolos and versaces. the oscar's red carpet makes me practically hyperventilate in anticipation of what might just appear.
i have one primary thing to say about this year's overall fashion statement. mermaids do far better swimming in the sea than they do walking on the planet.
i was not at all impressed by the mermaid gowns. not at all. this is primarily because those who chose to wear them would have looked FAR BETTER if they had chosen a different style of dress. a mermaid gown is not flattering to those of us who have broad hips. and honey, that's most of us. really and truly. we are women. we are meant to create life. we have broad hips. very few of us can pull off a gown that is hugging our hips like a girdle only to then accentuate their broadness with a flippy skirt near our feet. just doesn't work.
there's been a lot of talk about hilary swank's dress. oprah nearly went into cardiac arrest gushing over it. and we all know if oprah says it's fabulous, well we're going to have ten million women all around the world rushing to buy one just like it. i hope that in this case they don't. we all must remember that hilary swank had a team of professional trainers working with her seven days a week to have a back that beautiful. a back that had not an ounce of fat and beautiful lats and was just lovely to look at. the rest of us, oprah included, do not have backs like that. and our backs aren't going to look quite that good in that dress. let's also remember that we don't have the "magic" underwear that hollywood has. just like they have magic potions for their hair, they also have magic undergarments. some day one of us is going to crack that code and make millions of dollars sharing those magic undergarments with the rest of the world. but right now? we're stuck with our panties from victoria's secret. and those are not going to cut it under that dress.
the thing about that dress? it was lovely if hilary had been walking into the oscars BACKWARDS. but we don't walk into the oscars backwards, now, do we? no, we walk into the oscars and up to the stage facing forward. and hilary admitted that she chose it because it had LONG SLEEVES and she was worried that it was going to be a cold and chilly night and she wanted to be warm and comfortable. from the front she looked like she was certainly warm and comfortable and all wrapped up mummy style. a bobble head doll over a sea of navy blue fabric. like i said, if she spent the night walking around backwards, it was quite dramatic. but from the front? eh. not so much.
i wasn't quite so enamoured with all the yellow this year. and versace actually got far too much exposure. messy versace, too. poor virginia madsen. she was so proud to tell everyone that her mermaid dress had been made especially for her. the only problem was that when versace actually caught that chicken of the sea girl in their fishing net they forgot to remove the net before dumping virginia into the dress. she was a shipwreck.
i knew that the big bow on penelope cruz's posterior was going to create some problems. i even hoped that mr. de la renta had been kind and had velcroed it in place so she could pop it off and place it in her lap while sitting in her seat. the bow could double as her handbag for the evening! but sadly, this was not the case, and by the time she actually appeared on stage to present the bow had twisted itself into a mangled mess and just created a huge butt distraction. not lovely. not good at all.
another problem we had this year were the squished boobs. women you have breasts. some larger than others. please stop squishing them. it's not a good look. choose a dress that fits! there's an idea. and then if you're sad because it's not quite showing off your pilates thin waist the way you want, well, have it tailored. your stylists are paid a LOT of money. tell your stylist to stop squishing your boobs. especially your breast-feeding ones!
it was beyonce's oscars and the rest of the folks were just there to act as extras. but beyonce, honey, you goofed when you attempted to actually wear the chandelier from phantom of the opera. there are times when there is too much bling. i needed my sunglasses for that number. and why you sang it instead of emma is still rather confusing to me. she was there in her own little red mermaid frock. why didn't she sing? maybe she didn't want to wear the chandelier?
melanie? a word of advice. don't let antonio go shopping in las vegas show girls' second hand shops for your oscar gown, sweetie. you're not looking quite so fab these days and well, that dress? not so good. not so good at all. but you told everyone who would listen that HE chose it because it was sexy and you were not going to tell him no. next time? tell him no. please.
kate winslet, who already has my vote because she married sam mendes, knows how to dress. she understands her body. she knows that she needs to avoid those mermaid dresses. a bias cut dress makes her look fabulous. and the one she chose from badgley mischka was so perfect for her. and so fashion forward. blue is this year's black. she looked like a breath of fresh air.
can someone please explain to me what was up with the ankhs? did you all notice johnny depp (who i will forgive for his outfit because he is, johnny depp, and well i expect him to look different) was sporting one in the center of his neck. and other men were sporting them as well? like an ankh has replaced a red ribbon or pink ribbon or whatever the ribbon of the day is. are ankhs some new political fashion statement that the hollywood establishment forgot to send me a memo about?
i will give props to chris rock. for a first time host, he managed to diss just about everyone in the audience in some form or another. i liked his opening monologue imploring hollywood studios to please wait for an actual "star" before making a movie. and how can i not love him for comparing george w's re-election to having a job review at the gap when you've somehow lost $80 trillion dollars in the cash register and have waged war on banana republic? loved that.
i was not happy, though, with the decision to a) put all the nominees on stage or b) give them award in their "section" of the audience. i know that the producers did this to save time, but it only really served to discount those oscars even more. hey, you're up for best short film. but guess what? we don't care. so we're going to have laura linney fashion victim (oh good god, laura, if you had a fashion stylist helping you please FIRE that person rightthisveryminute and i'm guessing you traveled in a time machine back to the 80's for your do?) stand here in the aisle next to your seat where we have all of you crammed together and give you your award right here. right here in the BACK ROW, because we can not be bothered to let you have your few minutes of oscar glory and allow you to walk up to the stage and receive your award like the IMPORTANT people. no. you want to go on stage? well then make a "REAL" movie for god's sake.
but poor martin scorsese made a real movie. and even he didn't get to go up on stage. as much as i thought million dollar baby was a good movie, i think martin scorsese was robbed this year. aviator was a CLASSIC film. it had all the pieces that a BEST PICTURE should have as well. but i'm not a voting member of the academy. so i don't get to choose. but i felt sorry that he didn't win.
my most thrilling moment? charlie kaufman actually WINNING the award for best original screenplay. it's no secret around here that i think he's just brilliant, but i was almost certain that he'd lose out to the aviator just because it seemed like an aviator kind of year. eternal sunshine is quirky. it is brilliant writing, but so not mainstream. but charlie always surprises us, he always is brilliant and i'm so glad that he won. and he certainly seemed just as shocked as the rest of us that he won.
in a hollywood world where mr. kaufman can win for best original screenplay, i still have hope that one day i might be on the arm of my own oscar contender. yes hope. because i'm married to one rather quirky and talented screenwriter myself. and i have big hopes that one day he'll be on stage and forget to thank his wife. of course, he also knows should i ever get on stage to accept an oscar (what for, you ask? god knows. maybe just for being nakedjen) i will thank clyde. and probably forget to thank anyone else. well, i'm sure i'll mention the universe. and that pretty much covers my broad hips, right? even if they're sporting a mermaid skirt.
p.s. cinderella? the pumpkin coach somehow didn't make it. but your fairy godmother is looking for you.
someone needs to let that woman know that ORANGE is not her most flattering color. jeez!
