Ten Things To Know About Walt Disney World

1. Crabby children come with even crabbier parents who are determined to make sure that little Johnny or Susie squeaks every possible moment out of this magical vacation that took every single penny of the second mortgage to afford.

2. Even if you’ve never liked Mickey Mouse and his big ears, you will find yourself overwhelmed with having to purchase souvenirs.  That were all made in China.  Forget McDonalds.  Disney has the lock on cheap, plastic crap made in China.  Every single ride ends with a “store” where you can purchase special memorabilia of the moment you just spent with Pooh and his friends.

3. If it looks like it is going to rain, it is going to rain.  And the clothes you’re wearing should be able to withstand torrential downpours.  Unless, of course, you’re Nakedjen and it happens to be Friday.  Then getting absolutely drenched and walking around the park in your see-thru top and pants is perfectly acceptable no matter what your Mormon niece and nephew have to say about it.

4. Wearing your pajamas to the restaurant for an afternoon snack is perfectly acceptable as well.  Especially if it is, again, going to rain.  Might as well do the wet pajama contest while you’re there.  And not worry about how you have completely embarrassed your Mormon relatives.  They’ll get over it.  So will the other restaurant patrons.

5. The kale that is growing under the trees in Morocco in Epcot is NOT organic.  It looks very good, but it is riddled with pesticides.  As is everything else served at Disney.  Organics just aren’t popular enough to sell according to everyone I asked.  And believe me, I asked. 

6. Speaking of organics, when the limo driver tells you he’s taking you to a very exclusive grocery store that has all the organic produce and rice cakes you could possibly need, he’s lying.  The grocery store has carpeting.  As well as a wine section large enough to keep all of Florida drunk for the entire hurricane season.  But there is not a single organic item to be found in the whole store.  Demand that he take you to Whole Foods, instead.  Even if it is 30 minutes in the wrong direction.

7. There is no good coffee at Disney, either.  Not even Starbucks, which I would have settled for, given my increasing lack of good nutrition anyway.  In Morocco at Epcot you can find a saint who will make you a café au lait.  Praise her and ask her to marry you.  She’ll then make you another one.  For free.

8. There is no flash photography allowed on any of the rides at Disney.  Apparently, they have signs and public announcements telling you this.  I never saw or heard a single one.  And so I happily took lots of pictures.  I was also reprimanded many many times for doing just that.  I’m not sure why there is no flash photography allowed.  It’s not like the characters are “real” or will screw up if the flash goes off in their eyes.

9. Speaking of those characters, in the words of my astute nine year old niece, “They’re just entertainers, you know.  They’re paid to hug you and make you smile.  It’s not like they really like you.”  She said this to her own mother who was quite keen on getting hugs and autographs from as many “characters” as possible while she was there spending her children’s college fund on the family vacation. 

10. When attempting to take a naked picture lying on Mickey’s Bed, alarms will go off.  There’s a reason that there is a do not cross sign there.  His bedroom really is off limits.  The minute you step into his bedroom, loud alarms sound and Disney cast members come running to see what all the commotion is about.  They then will discover you standing there half in the room, half out of the room without your clothes on and they will not be PLEASED at all. 

It is a far better idea to take your “naked” photos in Minnie Mouse’s house, which is right next-door.  While there are loads of very small children traipsing through, there are no alarms and thus you have a far better chance of actually getting naked, having your niece snap a quick photo, and moving along to the next attraction without creating a spectacle!

Comments

[Asher - Dreams Into Lightning]

Annette Funicello is green with envy.

[Asher - Dreams Into Lightning]

'The picture is hilarious, whether she was actually naked in it or not.'

I really don't know what all the photoshopping fuss is about.

I've examined the photo (very carefully, I might add) and it is quite clear that Jen REALLY IS NAKED in the picture.

Pretty hot, too. Rock on.

[sarah]

Iam serious, you should, uh, read a little bit before you go proclaiming your Special Knowledge of Jen's truthfulness...she openly admitted a few posts ago that the picture is faked.

[fake]

fake

[hbd]

OMG people. Get a life. If Jen said she took it there then she took it there. I have never known Jen to sway from the truth. Besides it is hillarious. Way to go Jen for having the guts that we weak ones only dream about. If you think it is Photoshop then you need a new monitor or maybe you should see the eye doctor. Can't you see that the sun is setting in the west and Minnies house sits north to south to take advantage of the east to west sun for optimum photo opporuniies like this? They do that because there is a no flash policy. Com on man ge with the program. It's just basic knowledge dude. Peace out.

[Iam Serious]

Photoshopping or no, Jen you are one sexy mama.

[Bailey]

We thought it was funny. Fake, but still funny.

[Shylah]

Oh, and Jen? You really should have that elbow growth looked at. ;)

[Shylah]

Lighten up, people - in case ya hadn't noticed, this isn't a Photoshopping contest. The picture is hilarious, whether she was actually naked in it or not. Get a sense of humor already.

[Rush Almighty]

That's Minnie House photo is funny, but the worse bit of Photoshop I've seen. The next time you wanna fake vacation photos, send me the originals and instructions and I'll make them so real that police investigators wouldn't know the difference.

[Adrian Sterling]

LOL TEH PHOTOSHOPPERIE HERE COMES THE ROFFLECOPTER

[Dave (Naked to some)]

I called Jen on the photoshopping as soon as I saw the post (this blog seems to be the best way to find out what's really happening to my wife on this trip...) She didn't pretend it was real, but lamented that her neice was not taking photgraphs when she was trying to take the real one.

I think the mistake here is not using Photoshop to "fake reality", since she's demonstrated a ridiculous number of times that she has no qualms about being naked in public places (occassionally to my embarrassment), but rather that she did not ANNOUNCE when she posted the photograph that it was a "consolation mock-up" made as a fun way of illustrating the story.

To those who think she wimped out, I strongly encourage you to take and post your own naked pictures in the Disney Theme Park attraction of your choice. That'll show her!

[Geegee]

In fact, I did the shoddy job on PURPOSE. So you would know it was, in fact, not "real".

*cough*bullshit*cough*

C'mon, you can do better than that...maybe even be an adult and have a laugh and admit you were caught red...errm...handed.

You're probably one of the people who claims at others who are 'fake' too, right?

[nakedjen]

people, calm down about the shoddy photoshopping. geesh.

yes, the photo is photoshopped. but that is because (and the nine year old niece will gladly verfiy this for any of you) while we were ATTEMPTING to take the picture in Minnie's house manymanymany small children kept swirling about and believe it or not, I actually decided NOT to terrify them or their parents with the sight of my naked body, cellulite and all. And the cellulite is all me. I may have stuck myself in Minnie's house, but I left myself as I am. In fact, I did the shoddy job on PURPOSE. So you would know it was, in fact, not "real".

What is also real and the truth was that we moved on to Mickey's house where we again attempted the Naked Friday picture. Since Mickey's house was relatively empty, we both thought that we'd be able to get away with it. But, it didn't happen. Those pesky alarms went off and I was caught by the Disney Cast Members. Fortunately, I was able to pull my skirt back on before being detected (had not yet removed my shirt).

The neice will be happy to give you more details should you require them.

For as manymanymany times as I've bared my ass on this site for anyone and everyone to see, you'd think you all would just "calm down" about me being in a photoshopped naked picture at Disney. Gah.

And...I actually have epilepsy. I understand about flashes on dark rides. I was simply commenting about it.

Goodness.

[NOTnakedlavonne]

wow, jen -- you've got oodles of people examining every inch of your nakedness! you're a STAR, baby!