I've been in Rhode Island. I'm back now. Coming home from trips is the hardest thing for me since Clyde has died because I realize when I walk in the door that he really is gone. That he's not here. That he's not going to bark and thump is tail and go ballastic because I have, in fact, returned.
My heart and soul feel rather empty without a dog. Just like I'm somehow not quite whole or complete. While DearSweetDave and I were in Rhode Island we discussed the "next" dog or dogs possibility quite a lot. He's a practical man, my DearSweetDave. He's married to a notsopracticalNakedJen who is very impulsive. A NakedJen who REALLY needs a big bold dog to keep her grounded and on this planet. It's my job, this dog worship thing. Really. It's a big reason why I'm here.
dsals: you still there?
goddessnakedjen: i am here now
dsals: hi.
dsals: I was just writing to tell you that I wanted to come with you to see the dogs sometime. But then I talked to you on the phone about it.
goddessnakedjen: oh.
goddessnakedjen: i didn't go
goddessnakedjen: to see the dogs
goddessnakedjen: because i got kind of depressed after i talked to you
dsals: I'm sorry. I don't want to make you depressed.
goddessnakedjen: i know that you don't
goddessnakedjen: you're just being realistic
goddessnakedjen: i'm being the "get the dog and worry about the consequences later" girl
dsals: I think a dog means different things to you and me.
dsals: even though we both love them, we have different relationships to them.
dsals: for me, a dog is someone to play with and hang out with, but also a huge responsibility and sometimes a burden (although I usually don't mind the burden--but it is one still, the way a job is a burden).
dsals: for you, I think a dog is first and foremost someone who loves you unconditionally, and who will always be there for you with kisses no matter how you feel or what you say.
dsals: and I think you haven't had enough of that in your life, and you crave it.
dsals: and the burden is not a consideration at all.
dsals: doesn't even feel like one.
goddessnakedjen: right. i was thinking that as i drove over the hill that since clyde died, you've been the center of my attention
goddessnakedjen: and i was wondering if all your "WAIT A MINUTE" didn't have a little bit to do with the fact that i have been more affectionate with you since clyde died and that perhaps if we get a dog, that will shift...although i would hope that it would not
goddessnakedjen: but there's no denying that clyde got a LOT of my attention
goddessnakedjen: and vice versa
dsals: truthfully?
dsals: I'm not sure I'm the center of your attention now, although I do get a lot of it.
dsals: but your attention gets spread pretty thin between all of your fish and tea and everything.
dsals: just as mine does with my screenplay, and work, etc.
dsals: that's okay.
dsals: and I know dogs would take some of that, but that's okay too.
dsals: I got a lot of attention from clyde, and from you too when clyde was around.
dsals: but when you say "I need a dog," I think I sometimes hear, "I need someone who loves me unconditionally and will always be there when I come home and makes me feel important."
goddessnakedjen: well, i think you hear that correctly.
goddessnakedjen: because yes, that's what a dog has always given to me that no one else really has
dsals: and yet in my mind I also translate it as " someone to play with and hang out with, but also a huge responsibility and sometimes a burden"
goddessnakedjen: a dog, for me, is NEVER a burden dave. i am a dog person. it never feels like a burden. not even when i have to completely rearrange my life to accomodate their needs. a dog, in my life, as you know, usually comes first. and sometimes second and even third.
dsals: yes. That's why my being "realistic" always makes sense to you, but still doesn't quite ring true.
dsals: for you.
goddessnakedjen: i am a woman who just doesn't feel complete without a dog. and this is the LONGEST i have ever gone in my entire 41 years on the planet without a DOG and it's killing me.
dsals: I'm sorry that it's so hard.
goddessnakedjen: and i'm sitting here sobbing while i'm typing so i'm having quite the emotional response even to just this conversation
dsals: yes. I know it's a major emotional thing for you.
dsals: which is why I have a hard time telling you not to go visit dogs in the shelter, or even not to bring them home.
dsals: although, my good friend Jen would tell you that no one can relaly make you feel loved unconditionally or important, etc. except for you.
dsals: But I know dogs do a pretty damn good job.
goddessnakedjen: i've never not had a dog. but i've never had a husband before when i've been faced with the challenge of "getting" a new dog. and, in fact, all my other dogs were actually "given" to me. including clyde. so am i supposed to wait for the universe to "give" me my next dog??
goddessnakedjen: i'm not so good at waiting. i think five minutes is about my limit
dsals: i don't think there's really a "supposed to" in this.
dsals: but it's more than "I've never not had a dog."
dsals: you've never not had shoes, but I imagine you wouldn't have the same emotional response. and shoes are pretty improtant to you.
goddessnakedjen: that made me giggle.
goddessnakedjen: i think i can live without manolos. i honestly am not sure i can live without a dog.
dsals: well, I think you should get a dog. I'm just unsure about the timing. But I also think that it's worth exploring what's missing in your life that you believe only a dog can fill.
dsals: I feel bad seeing you hurting so much.
goddessnakedjen: here's what i know.
goddessnakedjen: about me and a dog.
goddessnakedjen: i believe, with all my heart and soul, that i was put on this planet to give some dogs a better chance at life.
goddessnakedjen: it's like my job.
goddessnakedjen: what i was put here to do.
goddessnakedjen: and through that, i've also learned that i extend that love and kindness and goodness to my fellow humans, as well.
goddessnakedjen: there are plenty of my fellow humans that have been on the receiving end of kindness and goodness that i LEARNED TO GIVE because i first had a dog. dogs teach me patience. they remind me that i'm here for a purpose.
goddessnakedjen: honestly, it's really as simple as that. they've saved my life. i save theirs.
goddessnakedjen: plain and simple.
dsals: so when you don't have a dog you feel like you're wasting your life?
dsals: becuase that's your purpose?
goddessnakedjen: i feel like a big part of my life is "on hold" and missing
goddessnakedjen: and yes, i can be quite productive and put lots of my soul and heart and love into loads of other pursuits
goddessnakedjen: but it feels like something is just "missing". that it isn't quite complete. that I, JEN, am not all there.
dsals: was it this hard when you were at St. Andrews and Trinity? Even though you "had" a dog, you weren't with it.
goddessnakedjen: no, it was not. because i HAD A DOG.
goddessnakedjen: i saw my dogs whenever i went home. i actually thought about that today.
goddessnakedjen: that there were long gaps when i didn't see my dogs. but i had them. they knew that i loved them. they curled up and slept with me and went ballistic the moment i walked through the door.
goddessnakedjen: and i took my dogs to trinity, actually. totally illegally. for an entire semester.
goddessnakedjen: had them sleeping with me in the dorm. staying with me. because i wanted them there, not at home.
dsals: I understand.
dsals: or at least, as much as I can
goddessnakedjen: i know that you're really trying. and i do appreciate that we're working on this together. because it would feel odd to me to just go get a dog and bring it home and say, "here he is!"
goddessnakedjen: that's not fair to you.
goddessnakedjen: or the dog.
goddessnakedjen: or even to me.
dsals: Right.
dsals: Thank you for understanding that.
dsals: so, okay.
dsals: you need a dog.
goddessnakedjen: yes, i need a big, fathead, dog
dsals: and it's enough for you to know that, and you don't have to look further. Correct?
goddessnakedjen: what do you mean, i don't have to look further?
dsals: my earlier question about what's missing in your life that you believe only a dog can fill
dsals: it sounds like you've answered that for yourself.
goddessnakedjen: yes. exactly. no need for examining my navel lint.
goddessnakedjen: for dog hairs!
dsals: :-)
dsals: okay, so option 1: you just go get a dog, and we deal with whatever consequences
dsals: option 2: we get a dog together, and deal with whatever consequenses.
dsals: option 3: we make a plan based on consequences, and get a dog when the plan indicates it's appropriate.
goddessnakedjen: i know that you'd most likely choose option 3.
goddessnakedjen: i need to stop sobbing, before i can choose any option. the fact that i'm still sobbing indicates to me that perhaps i need to wait to make any sort of decision at all about any of this.
goddessnakedjen: and that perhaps clydefairy really is still working on it.
dsals: the fact that you're still sobbing indicates to me that this is all operating for you on a very deep level. maybe so deep tht it's beyond analyzing.
dsals: Getting a dog will probably stop the sobbing.
dsals: I'm guessing.
dsals: part of me wishes that we could figure out how to heal the part of you that feels the need to sob independently of getting a dog. But maybe that's not possible. Anyway, that's not really my decision.
dsals: I guess I would chose option 3, but then, it's not really about me.
dsals: Maybe option 2 is a better option.
dsals: I like it better than option 1.
goddessnakedjen: yes, maybe option 2. how about we go to the alamo square dog gathering on sunday and just "look".
dsals: sure. we can do that.
goddessnakedjen: we can go from the airport.
goddessnakedjen: after you pick me up.
dsals: okay. what time do I pick you up?
goddessnakedjen: like at 1:00 or something like that?
goddessnakedjen: it's just a little side trip.
goddessnakedjen: to see about a dog.
goddessnakedjen: i should be making tea.
dsals: okay. I should be programming.
goddessnakedjen: i think being tired didn't help with the sobbing.
goddessnakedjen: thank you for talking to me.
goddessnakedjen: so gently.
goddessnakedjen: about all of this.
dsals: it probably helped a lot with the sobbing. Made it much easier
dsals: you're welcome.
dsals: thank you for being willing to talk through it, sobbing and all.
dsals: I know it's not easy.
dsals: I appreciate that you're open to that sort of thing.
dsals: and that you do think about how things will impact me.
dsals: because that's often not the case with couples.
dsals: and it means a lot to me.
goddessnakedjen: well, marriage means it's not just about ME anymore.
goddessnakedjen: or they would spell it MERRIAGE.
dsals: silly.
dsals: and it's not always fun.
dsals: or they would spell it merryage.
goddessnakedjen: giggle.
dsals: okay, go make tea.
dsals: I'll see you soon.
goddessnakedjen: bye.
dsals: bye.
