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ATTENTION LOCAL SANTA CRUZ READERS! I know you're out there.
KALEA IS MISSING!
She's a 9 month old wolf/husky mix.
As you can see she's quite beautiful.
Last seen in Seacliff.
REWARD FOR HER RETURN!
Please contact me if you've seen her and please share this information with all your friends. There's a little girl who REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to have her puppy come home.
Thanks!
Way back in the dark ages of last century, in 1999, I joined an online group of women who were all planning their weddings in 2000. If I were to tell the truth, and I will, I would tell you that DearSweetDave actually did far more of the actual planning of our wedding than I did. This was because at the time I was working insane amount of hours for a software company that kept me jetting off to some far off place on the planet. DearSweetDave would meet with the caterers, the cake bakers, the band, the invitation folks. Honestly, he did it all. And then when I would breeze through town for my three days in Santa Cruz, he'd present me with "choices" and we'd make a decision and then he'd go off and continue to put it all together.
But that didn't stop me from obsessing like every good bride. I did this by joining these online e-groups (this was before yahoo groups, even) where all these women discussed whether their nail polish would match their flowers, how many bridesmaids they'd have, what song to dance to with daddy and where I, honestly, just sat there thinking, "flowers, bridesmaids and daddies, oh my!" I kept insisting that we were having a big party where someone may or may not actually get married. Flowers and bridesmaids and daddies were not part of the plan.
Anyway, as happens with these online email exchanges, a lot of us did become quite good friends. And actually even made the leap from "imaginary" to meeting each other in real life. On one of the boards was a dear lovely person who was actually planning her vow renewal. She and her husband had eloped to San Francisco City Hall on a day in February and she was determined to do a vow renewal so they could share their love and their vows with all their family and friends.
Last night, in front of 50 of their family and bestest friends, Tori and Jesse finally had that vow renewal. And DearSweetDave and I were there to partake in all the wonderful festivities. And because Tori has known me as NakedJen since LAST CENTURY, she requested a special photo to commemorate the occasion. Who am I to ever say no? Especially when it involves a wedding and getting naked? What shocked even me was that DearSweetDave stripped right down and jumped in, as well.
Congratulations, Tori and Jesse. May your love continue to grow and shine like the two stars that you are!
And my thanks to Jason for taking the fabu picture! You rock!
I am so in love with these puppies I can barely stand it. Last night after we saw them, as I was driving home, I was thanking Clyde for bringing them to me and I just burst into tears and was sobbing as I drove down the highway. sobsobsob. I was just so happy.
And you all might think I'm completely crazy, (then again, you're reading a blog by a naked woman, so yeah, I suppose that's already been determined) but the boy puppy just has Clyde's energy. I mean he really has it. There’s a part of me that wonders if it is Clyde? All over again. Amito (our pet psychic) told us that Clyde and I had been together many times before (sometimes with the roles reversed) and that we weren't "finished" working things out and that we were going to be together again. Who knows? Although I very much feel like Clyde is a "clydefairy" these days and I'm not sure he could be both a puppy and a fairy. But, wow, that boy puppy is very much like him. Of course, I did ask Clyde to send me a dog that was "just like him" even though I also told Clyde that I knew it wouldn't be "him", so perhaps he's just done exactly what I asked. He always did do exactly what I asked of him. I don't know. But yeah, sobsobsob yesterday.
I am a dog mama. I can TOTALLY understand how new moms feel. These puppies own my heart. Hook, line and sinker. Really.
And they're getting so big. I can't believe they're only 4 weeks old. I have a feeling we're going to have lovely big dogs. Which is just how I like them.
So pictures. Because you know I can't resist sharing pictures.
I refuse to have Senior Moments. Not me. I am not old and will never, ahem, be old. I am always just going to think of myself in terms of my shoe size. And thankfully, I still wear kid's shoes. I probably always will.
But today, I had a definite BLONDE moment. Goodness. I've actually been having more and more of them lately. On Saturday, DearSweetDave purchased a new phone for my office. It's a very fancy two-line phone so that is very executive-like and has all these very fancy bells and whistles like a do not disturb button and a conference button and 16 memory buttons....why here, take a look for yourself:
Fancy, no? Just like a REAL OFFICE! So today, I must have flashed back to my real office days. Because without even thinking, I picked up that handset and dialed "9" to get an outside line. And then got all confused when I didn't get a dial-tone. I even hung up and dialed "9" again.
It was when I did it the second time that I remembered that I was actually at home. No need to dial a "9". There's no fancy PBX system for the phones at Chez Naked. Just one simple fancy desk phone! Doh!
People, you can take the girl out of the executive office suite, but you certainly can't take the executive out of the girl. Like ever. Especially if she's blonde.
Yesterday, Thursday, was my visit with the good radiologists and doctors to find out just exactly what that golf ball was doing inside my right breast.
Here's what we all learned:
1. They really do squish your boobs when they do a mammogram. And it hurts like bloody hell. I threatened the woman who was manhandling me with bodily harm on more than one occasion. She, my friends, just laughed. And told me I was a very funny person. Har!
2. My breasts are comprised of very dense tissue. Tissue that is also, I am happy to report, very healthy.
3. My breasts are fat free. Who knew? When I asked if this meant that they also had ZERO calories and were therefore safe for consumption on the South Beach Diet, the two male doctors got a huge chuckle. But come on, fat free? There's no fat my breast. They are all dense healthy breast tissue and muscle. So I also inquired, like every good woman would, if I could possibly transfer some of the fat on my ass to my breasts? Even things out a bit? My ass sure could use a little LESS fat, you know? All this got were a bunch of guffaws from the men in white coats. Men. You know if it was their fat ass...
4. Those same doctors could not quite understand the person who is Nakedjen. When I went in for the ultrasound, I just whipped my shirt off and told them to forget about the robe since it would mean extra laundry for some poor soul. As I stood there topless chatting away, they couldn't help but giggle like school boys. This actually did not upset me. But we're in Santa Cruz, for christ sakes. You can not tell me that other women who have to have this same procedure are not also just whipping their tops off and saying, "Let's roll!"
5. Mr. Very Kind Radiologist told me I have the breasts of a twenty year old virgin. No, not virgin, I just wanted to see if you all were paying attention. But he did say they were the the breasts of a twenty year old. And he examined them QUITE THOROUGHLY. In fact, he even came and found me at my car and asked me to come back into radiology for a THIRD go around as he just wanted to triple check something just to be sure. Did I mention that he was thorough??
6. The golf ball was no where to be found. He did find a nickel sized cyst in the location where the golf ball mass USED to be. I attribute this to the wonders of the Dreamsweet Femininitea for breast health. Since I got the news ten days ago, I have been downing that tea non-stop. Thank you, Dreamsweet and the Universe, for providing me with those good herbs. They work!
7. Thank you, dear sweet Internet, for your prayers and your kind thoughts and your good vibes. They also really worked. I have a clean bill of health. The moles are gone. The mass is gone. Now on to living every day completely and with absolutely no regrets.
On Sunday afternoon, DearSweetDave and I went to the movies. This is nothing unusual for us. We go to the movies all the time. This particular Sunday afternoon we met our friends, Matt and Lisa, to see Four Brothers and then to hop skip quickly into another theatre to see Sky High. (Yes, you just read that correctly, dear readers. Two movies. One ticket. Oh don't tell me you've never done anything like that, Internet! Well, if you're my saintly Mormon sister NeverNakedBeth, I might, just might, believe you. But if you're my other sister, HalfNakedRobin, I certainly won't. I'm sure HalfNakedRobin has certainly hop skipped from one movie to another at the multi-plex before. But now that I've said that? Watch...she'll write a comment and tell me that she absolutely has not!). Moving on!
So yes, where were we. Right. Sunday. Movies. Matt and Lisa. We also, gasp, went to the health food store before we went to the movies and purchased provisions to eat while watching. Dinner, essentially. Because we were going to both a 5:00 and a 7:10 show, we were going to need sustenance. We had that in spades. And I was oh so happy to see that the Kombucha was back on the shelves! Lord it's been missing for weeks and I thought I was going to pass out without the sweet taste of stale beer that results in all those billions of live organisms swimming around in my stomach making me healthy and hearty NakedJen. That stuff is addictive. I really should investigate investment opportunities. When the world is coming to an end, I bet everyone will be reaching for the Kombucha. Or at least ten or twelve souls will.
Right. So again, movies. Sunday afternoon. Matt and Lisa. Provisions and Kombucha. Before I actually go into the theatre, I go into the bathroom to do what ladies do in the bathroom. This is because I know that I have already spent most of the day drinking dandelion root tea. Dandelion root tea, for the uninitiated, makes you pee. Like a racehorse. Every twenty minutes. It was my hope that I could eliminate as much of this dandelion root tea from my system before the start of the movie so I wouldn't have to actually leave DURING the film to pee again. I hate when that happens. As for why I had spent the day drinking the dandelion root tea that makes you pee, well, it is also good for your liver and lymph system. It gets rid of toxins. I was hoping to somehow counteract whatever it is that is growing in my breast. So I'd been downing the tea that makes you pee.
I finished rather quickly in the bathroom and on my way to the theatre, I met Matt who was coming out of the men's bathroom. I asked him if DearSweetDave was still in there. He said he hadn't seen him. Odd, I said. He went in there when I went into the ladies bathroom.
Now here's something you need to know about DearSweetDave and the bathroom at the movies. Every single time we go to the movies, EVERY SINGLE TIME, he always has to go to the bathroom. Even if he has just gone to the bathroom at home before we walked the five minutes it takes to get to the movie theatre. It doesn't matter. He figures out where we're sitting and then excuses himself to go the bathroom. Sometimes it's for a very long time. Sometimes, it's for an EXTRAORDINARILY LONG TIME. Sometimes, we sit and wonder if we need to send out a search team.
When Matt told me that he didn't see DearSweetDave in the men's room at all, I began to finally put two and two together. (This is where you can all laugh out loud at how obviously very dense I am...I have been married to this man for FIVE YEARS and a part of his life for SEVEN). DearSweetDave never actually goes to the bathroom at all. He's a masked crusader! He's a superhero! He's SuperDave!
Slowly I put it all together. There are no phone booths anymore. So SuperDave has to use the men's bathroom! He rushes in there and is transformed into SuperDave with his super hero powers and then rushes off to save the Universe from whatever the disaster of the moment happens to be. This is why he's sometimes gone for what feels like FOREVER. He can't be sure how long his mission is going to take. He just goes for it. And then as soon as he's done, he comes back through the bathroom and comes rushing into the theatre all out of breath.
Not only that, but he also reads lots of super hero comic books. I thought this was just for entertainment purposes, but now I know better. They are instruction manuals! He's learning from the masters. He's studying up on the best way to beat the evil villains of the world. No wonder he's constantly going to Atlantis Fantasyworld to check up on the latest issues. He's keeping abreast of current events...those comic books are his news source!
When SuperDave came rushing into the theatre to find his seat, I asked him, "Was it a job well done?!" He tried to be all suave and brush it off as if I had asked him some silly question about his toilet practices. But then he gave me a second glance. "What do you really mean?", he asked.
And then I told him that I knew. All about SuperDave. And that he might want to be a bit more careful next time about tucking in his cape when he came rushing from the bathroom. But not to worry, his secret was safe with me.
I was just going to go home and tell the entire Internet.
It hasn't been broadcast around here yet, but word on the street is that I have become a travel agent. Yes, you read that correctly. An agent of travel. It all happened rather haphazardly and quite frankly I am rather surprised about it myself. For those of you who are questioning my sanity, I am NOT, repeat NOT, giving up on my holistic endeavors. Quite the contrary, actually.
You see, it's always been my plan to include holistic healing retreats into the Dreamsweet family of offerings. We all remember way back when I was Manifesting Maui and was determined to open a holistic retreat center there? When I was even going so far as to get dear old Clydesdale "cleared" so he could move to that tropical isle? When I was doing gymnastics to try and convince DearSweetDave that Maui would feel like home and be a glorious place to live all year long? I know you all of you remember that clearly because all of you follow so breathlessly along in my every endeavor. If you don't remember or never even knew, I just either refreshed your memory (and perhaps you need some Ginkgo, dear friends) or I just told you.
Carrying on.
As DearSweetDave and I discovered that property values in Maui were even more dear than property values in Santa Cruz, I reined in the dream of the holistic healing center and decided that perhaps some holistic retreats would be a better idea instead. Who wouldn't want to go somewhere lovely and be pampered and take yoga classes and learn how to take even better care of themselves? Well, maybe not you or you or even you, but since the organic/yoga/spa businesses are multi-billion dollar businesses that just keep on multiplying, I'm going to guess that there is SOMEBODY out there who would. Maybe Heather would like to come and spend a week doing a proper colon cleanse. Who knows? It's just my thought and hope that once I get my act together and take it on the road that there will be others who will want to join me.
Meanwhile, I have a dear friend who is not only one of my co-leaders for Girl Scouts, she's also a kick-ass travel agent. And she suggested to me in a heavy whisper that I might like to do this, too. So, I'm sticking my very little toes into the water to see how it all feels.
Which brings me to ALL OF YOU. You lucky Internet people. You knew that if you kept reading you were going to eventually get to the good stuff, didn't you? Now, again, some of you may have already quit reading because you just saw the Naked Pictures and said, pfft, and move right along. But those of you who are still here, have I got an offer for you.
What are you doing the week of November 14, 2005? Huh? Got any special plans? I'll begin by telling you that the Friday before that is Veteran's Day. Which means it's a holiday for some of you. I know not all. But some of you may have a holiday. Now, why not extend that holiday for a WHOLE WEEK?
The Royal Caribbean Monarch is sailing to Baja from Los Angeles with stops in San Diego, Catalina, and Ensenda. You'll spend five days at sea and four nights luxuriating in all that Royal Caribbean has to offer. And yes, like your dear friend Nakedjen, you can even cruise NAKED if you'd like. Well, at least top less. And even more if you're daring like me.
The ship sets sail on November 14 for five days and four nights. Your cost? Just $200 per person plus tax and fees for an inside cabin. Oceanview Superior Cabins are just $285 per person plus tax and fees. But wait?! There's more!! Tell them what else they get, Johnny. Well, folks, if you book this cruise by midnight on August 14, you'll also get a free bottle of champagne, a fruit basket and dinner for two in one of the ship's 4 star restaurants along with casino gambling chips. In other words, if you want a vacation getaway before the holiday madness, this is one damn good deal!
So how do you get this deal? Just email me! Agent of Travel, Nakedjen. And I'll make it all happen for you. And have no fear, gentle reader. These travel announcements will not become a regular feature of Nakedjen. It's just that this deal was SO GOOD that I thought I would pass it along. Honestly, I love my own blog too much to sully it up with travel advertisements. There are certainly other perfectly good places on the Internet for that, don't you agree?
Ahh..but it IS Friday. And that means there should be at least one naked picture, right? Well, how about two??
These were taken last weekend in Los Angeles. The one in front of the Avalon Hotel actually stopped traffic and garnered a round of applause from the people in their cars. You have to love it when you get applause in Los Angeles. They're all so jaded they never seem to notice anything beyond their own reflections.
To wit, the picture from the hotel bar. Not a soul noticed me. The bar was full of folks, but I didn't even get a turned head. I'm guessing it was because these were just MY boobs and not the boobs of Jessica Simpson or Angelina Jolie. I can bet if THEY were flashing, well, there'd be a riot. 
Happy Naked Friday, everyone. Remember to get naked. Even if it's just for five minutes. And to love your body. It's the only one you've got.
During the last week of July, DearSweetDave and I absconded to Rhode Island for a family wedding. His second cousin Charlie was getting married and his mother's entire side of the family was gathering in Newport to make sure that Charlie and Deb did it just right.
They did.
DearSweetDave and I stayed on for a few days post wedding to visit with all the gathered relatives. We went sailing. We sang songs around bonfires. We made sure to hug his grandmother and make sure that she knew she was absolutely loved the best of all.
On the Monday, we found ourselves in Providence in the company of the most beautiful Impossible Jane. 
What a lovely visit that turned out to be! Impossible Jane took us to the cemetary where H.P. Lovecraft was buried. We paid homage and dutifuly checked out his gravesite and then, of course, I did what any sensible person would do when she finds herself in a graveyard in Providence. I got naked. And stood under a tree. A tree near H.P. Lovecraft's grave. Proper homage and all.
After we left ImpossibleJane, we went to Brown. Why? Because at one point in my life I had wanted to go to Brown. I think there's some part of me that still wishes I could go to Brown. Have a do-over so to speak. Of course, DearSweetDave reminded me that had I actually gone to Brown, I may not have actually become a playwright, I might have actually gone to law school instead and of course my whole life would be completely different than it is now and maybe even Clyde, dear Clyde, would not have been a part of it and shouldn't a girl like me who has had some pretty darn good blessings in her life just be happy that she went to college where she went and stop saying, "What if I had gone to Brown?"
I shut up after all that. But insisted upon going to the Brown Bookstore to find a Brown sweatshirt because, well, I wanted to go to Brown. However, the universe did not want me to be a poser of ANY SORT and made sure that on that particular Monday the Brown University Bookstore was sold out of absolutely any sweatshirt that would REMOTELY do in size miniature. Had I been a size XXL, no problem at all. Loads of sweatshirts in that size. But in minature? Nada. Even in the kid's section, I came up completely emptyhanded.
So we left there and wandered about campus a bit. And found ourselves at the theatre. I was a theatre major at that college that I did attend and we all know I have a pretty strong affinity for empty stages. We wandered inside. Their summer productions had just ended the night before and aside from one lonely person who seemed to be striking the set all by himself, we were on our own.
We admired the headshots of the folks who were in the productions and DearSweetDave wondered allowed if Lucy DeVito was Danny DeVito's daughter. I felt pretty sure that she was. She was from Los Angeles and she looked like him! As the summer production was a showcase of new playwrights, I felt compelled to pick up a program and take it with me. I started flipping through it as we were walking back toward our car and then gasped out loud.
There on the page in black and white was Lars Hanson. Lars Hanson from Kenyon College. More importantly, Lars Hanson from London. My flatmate. I hadn't seen him since last century! No, honestly, I hadn't seen Lars since 1988. And there he was.
So I made DearSweetDave turn around and rush back into the theatre. And here is where you will all laugh at the small little bubble that is obviously my head. Guess whose head shot was right underneath Lucy DeVito's? Ding! Ding! Ding! Lars Hanson. Doh!
So there he was. Lars. The man who helped me construct the very first Sconehenge in existence. The man who wrote Gardener America (I can still sing it!). The man who helped me write quite possibly one of THE wackiest poems for HalfNakedRobin's 17th birthday.
Lars.
I asked the sole person in the theatre if he knew how I might get in touch with dear old Lars. He told me he actually needed to mail him his paycheck and if I wrote a note, he'd make sure that he got it.
I dashed off to the car to grab one of my business cards and quickly scribbled some nonsensical note on the back and gave it to that wonderful theatre man. I have no idea if Lars actually got it, but I figure it I type his name here enough on my blog that perhaps he'll google himself (don't tell me you've never done that!) and find his way here. A naked girl can hope. Lars Hanson. Lars Hanson, indeed!
So we returned from Rhode Island last Monday. And then I jetted off for Los Angeles where I spent 72 hours of quality girl time with some of my favorite peeps. There are pictures from that adventure, but I think the most important one to share with all of you is the one of me and Drew Barrymore.
We all know how I feel about Drew. Let me tell you, the way I feel about Drew? DearSweetDave feels just the same. Actually, I think he might feel even a little more. She's on both of our lists. You know, the list you keep of folks you have a "free pass" to sleep with should you ever get the chance? That list. Drew is on mine and she's also on DearSweetDave's. Oh can you just imagine what might happen should we ever find ourselves in her company? Here, I'll show you exactly what will happen.
Nakedjen: Hi Drew. I can't believe it's you. Gosh. Um. Wow. Um. My husband wants to sleep with you!
Drew: Security!!!!
DearSweetDave: Don't mind her, Drew. She's just overcome with excitement. You see, you've been on Jen's list forever. She thinks you're hot!
Drew: Get away from me FREAKS!
Nakedjen: Um, Drew, um, I have insomnia just like you. We could be sisters. And I love dogs. Just like you. And I have hair, just like you! We're like twins. Want some tea??
DearSweetDave: Please ignore Jen, Drew. She hasn't had her medication today.
Drew: SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS: HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!
Nakedjen: Jeez. Chill out. You really do need Tranquilitea.
Or something like that. Honestly, it would not go well. But when I saw this billboard in a parking garage at The Grove in Los Angeles, I just couldn't resist. 
And it turns out that there are other folks out there who couldn't resist, either! That Drew, she's just irresistible.
So yeah, I went to LA. And when I came home, well, you all saw what I found.
Puppies!
Clyde finally sent them. And wow, are they just the cutest things or what? They still don't have names, but we did go and visit them again tonight and I swear that since Monday they've grown! I really hope they turn out to be nice big dogs. They're very mellow for puppies, I must say. They never cry and really just love to cuddle in your arms and lick your hands. They give LOADS of kisses. We're waiting to actually name them until they've really gotten a chance to develop their personalities a bit. They were born on July 22. So they're 19 days old. And they'll be coming home to our house sometime in September. We're still trying to work out exactly when. But yeah, we're jumping for joy over our new little fur people.
Finally, if you've read this far, god bless you. You've loads of stamina for the very mundane.
I have gone to the doctor recently and have had some not so pleasant news. I think this is the reason I always avoid conventional doctors. They never, ever seem to provide me with any news to jump and down and scream about.
I recently had some moles removed as a precautionary measure. Turns out that after close examination by those dear pathologists, the moles were, in fact, brimming with precancerous cells. That news has sent me to a more experienced dermatologist for a complete body scan. The good news is that the majority of the moles on my body are nothing more than lovely sun freckles, as he called them. The bad news is that we have to do another surgery on the area on my back to make sure that we truly remove all possible cancerous cells. I'm not too thrilled with this, but hey, better safe than sorry. So that will be on Friday.
Now take a good look at those breasts that are sitting atop this page. It's not the only picture of my breasts on this blog and if you'd like to go searching for more, feel free. Give them a good gander. Yesterday I learned that my right one is sporting a golf ball size mass. I don't even play golf. Okay, that was BAD HUMOUR. Terrible. But the truth of the matter is, my doctor discovered this mass and is quite concerned. She wants a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound and fine needle aspiration ASAP. Not exactly joyful news, huh? And she's also concerned about my blood sugar levels. Says they're too high and she suspects diabetes. Whoo Hoo! I wonder what other problems we can dig up?
People, a cautionary piece of advice. Do not get old. I allowed myself to turn 41 and all hell is breaking loose! It just baffles me that the woman who eats only organics, eschews anything with sugar, doesn't drink alcohol and takes her supplements religiously could be having all these problems. But yeah, I am. I'm just going to have to hope and pray that I can find all kinds of alternative remedies for whatever else we discover. Lord knows that pharmaceuticals and I just do not mix. You think that imaginary conversation I had with Drew was whacked. Just add some pharmaceuticals to the mix. Now that's a party no one wants to attend.
Kind of makes you wonder huh? I can tell you it certainly does me. I'm the most baffled of us all.
