nakedjen

Notes from the Field - Operation Individuality Day One

A very important lesson that I did not really heed when adopting those two gorgeous puppies was that it is THREE TIMES THE WORK when you adopt litter mates as it is when you bring home just one beautiful puppy.  Folks, those friends of yours (and I know that you have them) who will tell you that having two puppies is EASIER than having one puppy because the puppies will take care of one another and play with one another and be less destructive because they won't have separation anxiety are BIG FAT LIARS. 

We are in the middle of DAY ONE of OPERATION INDIVIDUALITY.  What's this, you ask?  Well, when you have two puppies from the same litter who are brother and sister and so cute that you just can't stand it, you learn rather quickly that you need to help them to develop their own SEPARATE identities.  They are most definitely bonded to one another.  Bonded in a way that you will never understand.  These are pack animals.  With a pecking order all their own.  And because you do not have black fur and do not walk on all fours, well, you just are not part of THEIR PACK, thank you very much.  They are so much ONE, that they have no idea that his tail is not her tail and that her ears are not his ears and that they can actually EXIST if the other is not present to breathe for them.  I'm quite serious about this. It's not healthy for them or for us. 

All of this can be changed, however, if you are quite diligent and work individually with EACH PUPPY.  What does this mean, exactly?

Separate walks.
Separate meals.
Separate crates.
Separate play time.
Separate schools and checking accounts and college funds.

Yes, dears, I have twins on my hands.  And they have to be raised as INDIVIDUALS with distinct and lovely personalities or they will never be the lovely doggy citizens that I so hope for them to be.

So Day One of Operation Individuality has looked something like this so far:

2:40 a.m.  Get up and let Buddha out for a pee break.
2:45 a.m.  Bring Buddha back in from pee break.  Pee myself!
2:47 a.m.  Let Stella out for her pee break.
2:50 a.m.  Bring Stella back in and make sure both dogs are settled. 
5:50 a.m.  Take Buddha out for pee and poop!
5:55 a.m.  Bring Buddha back inside.  Feed him his yogurt mixture. 
6:00 a.m.  Put Buddha in crate.
6:01 a.m.  Take Stella outside for pee and poop!
6:08 a.m.  Bring Stella back inside.  Feed her yogurt mixture.
6:10 a.m.  Put Stella back in crate, take Buddha from crate for walk.
6:12 a.m.  Leave house with Buddha for walk.  At this point Stella starts to wail.  DearSweetDave is TRYING to sleep.  He has ear plugs.  She has piercing screams.
7:45 a.m.  Return from walk with Buddha.  Put him in crate.
7:46 a.m.  Get Stella from crate and take her on walk.  Buddha begins his wailing routine.  DearSweetDave is STILL trying to sleep.  Gah.
9:15 a.m.  Return from walk with Stella.  Notice DearSweetDave is STILL trying to sleep and remind him it is nearly 9:30 and he should be on his way to the office.
9:17 a.m.  Let both dogs play together in the back yard. 
9:35 a.m.  Both dogs are put in their separate crates with Kongs.
11:45 a.m.  Let Buddha out of his crate for pee break. Play with him in back yard for 10 minutes.
11:55 a.m.  Get Stella from her crate for a walk.  Take Stella on walk around two blocks.
12:10 p.m.  Return with Stella.  Put both dogs back in crates with Kongs.
2:30 p.m.  About to go do the entire Pee Break thing all over again...

And then there's the AFTERNOON walks, the separate dinners and the evening play time.  This entire schedule will be maintained for these two dogs and their DISTINCT PERSONALITIES until their at least 14 months old or I am committed to an asylum.  Which ever comes first.

Again, in case we weren't clear on the subject, TWO DOGS IS NOT EASIER THAN ONE DOG.  It's THREE TIMES harder. 

But I honestly would not change a single thing for all the tea in China...or all the money in Oprah's bank account.  I'm serious.  These dogs are 110% worth it.  Absofuckinglutely!

A Day Without Puppies

IMG_3800.JPG
Originally uploaded by nakedjen.

Is like a day without chocolate cake!

And who wants that?

Not me. Not me, evah.

Going Down The Road

Now, we all know I like a little publicity now and again.  We know that deep down, somewhere in the darkest depths of my soul, I, NakedJen, really want to be famous.  Famous for what?  Well, just for being me.  Fabulous and Naked!

Have you all seen this?  The brother in law was also kind enough to create another website for him.

I just want to know where that documentary film crew was when I was doing the Naked Tour across America this summer, huh?  We all know that I can sell a tie-dyed t-shirt with the BEST of them.  You don't see over 700 Grateful Dead shows in your lifetime and not know how to hock a few tie-dyes! 

And Clyde's cookies have provided enough gas money to get me across this great nation and back too many times to count.  The genius with Clyde's cookies, as opposed to tie-dyes, is that if you're HUNGRY, you can actually EAT them!  I've tried eating a tie-dye.  Let me tell you, it doesn't taste so good. 

My marketing skills are obviously very rusty.  Why didn't I think to auction a Naked Trip with me on Ebay before I left on that grand adventure? 

Fare the well, Cody and your brave companion.  I know it's going to be one hell of a ride!

Baring All For Hurricane Relief

Now that we have your undivided attention.  There's some very important information that I must share with all of you fabulous NakedJen readers. 

If you live in the United States and have been paying attention to the news lately you very well know that there's another hurricane on its way toward the Gulf region.  There are millions of people who have already evacuated from their homes in Texas and are clogging the highways trying to reach higher ground. 

I mentioned to all of you fabulous peeps before that my dear friend and mommy blogger, Grace, has been devoting ALL HER TIME AND EFFORT to the Hurricane Katrina Relief Effort and has been making things happen in a world where our own government agencies have been unable to even figure out proper ground communications.  Because I love Grace and I love helping other people, I have thrown my complete naked body behind these efforts and am supporting Grace and her fellow mommy bloggers with my own marketing and blogging skills.

We have, today, launched a Hurricane Rita Relief blog.  In the same spirit that the Katrina Blog has been able to assist those who WANT TO HELP, the Hurricane Rita Blog will help you to get the most critical items to the shelters that need them most in the most efficient manner.

The entire effort is completely volunteer based.  If you'd like to help us, please contact us.  But more importantly, if you'd like to help your fellow man with some bug spray, some diapers, or perhaps a spare fire truck, please visit our Direct Relief Blogs and do something.

As Yoda would say, "Do, or do not.  There is no try."  So let's DO it, shall we?

P.S.  For those of you wondering about the naked picture, that's me and Badgerbag at the Flickr Fiesta which took place on Monday night at Yahoo.  I love Badger.  She'll get naked anywhere!

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

Or two.  They're home.  Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, I give you Stella Blue and Buddha.  The newest and best additions to ChezNaked.  Notice that they have already embraced their own nakedness and are not at all shy when they see a camera. They obviously inherited the "LOOK AT ME" gene from me. Ha!

They are clearly IN LOVE with DearSweetDave.  In the 12 hours they've been home, he's already endured multiple multi-puppy attacks!

Stella Blue has already mastered her "come hither" look.

And our dear boy Buddha is not ashamed at all to just let it all hang out.

Me.  Two dogs.  DearSweetDave and ClydeFairy watching over us all.  My life, my heart, and my soul are now, once again, complete.

Sweet Dreams Drew Barrymore

Do you all remember when I wrote this back on August 10?:

We all know how I feel about Drew.  Let me tell you, the way I feel about Drew?  DearSweetDave feels just the same.  Actually, I think he might feel even a little more.  She's on both of our lists.  You know, the list you keep of folks you have a "free pass" to sleep with should you ever get the chance?  That list.  Drew is on mine and she's also on DearSweetDave's.  Oh can you just imagine what might happen should we ever find ourselves in her company?  Here, I'll show you exactly what will happen.

Nakedjen:  Hi Drew.  I can't believe it's you.  Gosh.  Um.  Wow.  Um.  My husband wants to sleep with you!
Drew:  Security!!!!
DearSweetDave: Don't mind her, Drew.  She's just overcome with excitement.  You see, you've been on Jen's list forever.  She thinks you're hot!
Drew:  Get away from me FREAKS!
Nakedjen: Um, Drew, um, I have insomnia just like you.  We could be sisters.  And I love dogs.  Just like you.  And I have hair, just like you!  We're like twins.  Want some tea??
DearSweetDave:  Please ignore Jen, Drew.  She hasn't had her medication today.
Drew:  SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS:  HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!
Nakedjen:  Jeez.  Chill out.  You really do need Tranquilitea. 

Or something like that.  Honestly, it would not go well.  But when I saw this billboard in a parking garage at The Grove in Los Angeles, I just couldn't resist. 
And it turns out that there are other folks out there who couldn't resist, either!  That Drew, she's just irresistible.

And so you also remember when I wrote this missive a WHOLE year ago about how Drew Barrymore has insomnia and so do I?

Well, guess what, Internet?!  I actually did create that special sleepy tea, Tranquilitea, just for Drew.  Only I haven't done a very good job of taking whatever risks necessary to get it to her now, have I?  No, I really haven't.

And that became quite painfully clear to me last night when DearSweetDave and I went to see this very cute movie, My Date With Drew.  That guy Brian in the movie had a dream and he really went after it.  He did everything he could do, called in every favor he had, had his own zits extracted, all just to get ONE DATE with Drew. 

My tea has been helping lots of folks all over the world get a good night's sleep since March.  Here it is SEPTEMBER, people, and I haven't gotten that tea to Drew.  The one person on the planet who really needs it most!  I can't keep waiting for the whole six degrees of separation thing to somehow get me a proper introduction.  That is just taking MUCH TOO LONG!

So guess what?  I'm just jumping in with both feet.  Taking the plunge.  I'm sending it off to her.  With a nice note.  And copies of my blog entries and everything.  Because I created that tea for HER. Drew Barrymore.  Insomniac.  So she could get rid of the baggage beneath her eyes and get some real and wonderful sleep.  And maybe she'll actually get it and give it a whirl. 

You never know.  But you're certainly never going to know if you don't put the tea in the mail.

And as Drew said in the film last night, "If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul."

We all know the last thing I ever want is to have a wasted soul.  Not in this lifetime.  Not in any lifetime, thank you.

After The Flood Comes Grace (and Water)

One of the things that I am rather freakish about (and yes, I realize that there is a lot more than just ONE thing that I am rather freakish about) is water.  More specifically, I don’t feel that my outfit is complete if I am not toting along my hot pink or purple water bottle.  And that water bottle better be full.  Because goodness knows I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I DON’T HAVE WATER TO DRINK!

When the reports were being issued about those storm refugees in New Orleans who were trapped and struggling to survive in the squalor of the Superdome and Convention Center it wasn’t the lack of food or clean toilets or even the stifling heat that gave me pause, it was the statement that folks had been at the convention center since Tuesday morning but had received no food, water or instructions that really sent me over the edge.

No water.  None.  How did we expect these people to survive without that very basic necessity of life? 

I know that the human spirit and will to live can often supercede the most awesome of obstacles and tragedies.  It has been demonstrated again and again.  The men, women and children who managed to walk out of the Superdome and Convention Center after spending far too long without even the most basic of human needs embody those spirits. 

I’m not sure I would have lasted.  I get cranky without my water and start to physically shut down if I don’t drink enough during the day.  In my ongoing effort to be the picture of vitality, I’ve trained my body to really need at least 84 ounces of water in a given day.  A gallon of water just for me.  How would I survive with just a few precious sips, if even that were available?  I’m afraid I wouldn’t do very well at all.  Human spirit be damned, I NEED to have water.  Clean, fresh, pure drinking water.

The reports of late from New Orleans state that they may not have pure, fresh water for many years, if ever.  At the risk of sounding like a spoiled American, it just boggles my mind.  We take fresh water for granted in this country.  We expect to turn on the faucet and to be able to brush our teeth and make a big pot of pasta.  The majority of us don’t worry about contaminants in our bath water or not allowing our dogs to drink out of the toilet! 

Those worries may be a real reality for the citizens of New Orleans.  While I think a hot pink water bottle is a grand fashion accessory, I know that I am blessed that it is just that, an accessory and not an absolute necessity for life.

I have already donated to The Second Harvest to send food and water to those people in the Gulf region who need it most. 

My friend, Grace, has created a command central for Katrina Relief efforts that goes far beyond the donation of money.  She’s hooked herself up with another kick-ass mom, Victoria, who is actually on the ground in Mississippi and who is getting critical donations directly to the shelters that can most use them. 

Friends, this is our Internet at work at its very best.  This is also community at its very best.  Grace and Victoria are creating a groundswell movement that I am certain will change the face of emergency response efforts.  For those of you, like me, who wish you could do more; a visit to their blog is most definitely in order.

You’ll find ways in which to help with the most basic of needs for those who have been hit hardest by this tragedy.  And if you’re like me, you might just find a way to send some folks some drinking water.  Lots of good clean water.

A Super Hero Of Another Kind

i have to write a big long love letter to tori and jesse. really, i suppose it should be to jesse. but since tori is his wife times two, and i know she really helped, she deserves a love letter as well.

about a month ago, dearsweetdave was driving our car to the san jose airport to take his mom to catch a flight. as he was crossing over highway 17 the battery light came on. he called me and asked me what i thought. i gave him a few ideas and immediately emailed tori and jesse. jesse is a superb car magician and mechanic and he has worked on our honda a few times now. jesse said without missing a beat that he thought it was the alternator.

but because i'm stubborn, i instead decided that the battery just needed water. so i filled it. and guess what? the battery light went out. so we kept driving the car. in fact, we drove it to tori and jesse's vow renewal last weekend. of course, the battery light continued to come on intermittently, but the weird thing was that if we put the engine into overdrive it would go out. and if we drove the car that way for about 15 minutes, it would stay out.

we finally decided to just get a new battery. which we did over the weekend. and then we came to tuesday. on tuesday we drove to san francisco to go to the hotel where we'd spend the night so we could catch our early flight on wednesday to maui. as we were driving to san francisco, we ran a few errands. we stopped at REI to get dave some new shoes. we stopped at whole foods in redwood city to get provisions for both dinner and the next day on the plane. we stopped at the post office at the airport so i could mail all my tea orders. after each stop, we noticed that the headlights were getting more and more dim. in fact, by the time we got to airport, we had NO headlights at all. none. we were driving with no headlights and no tail lights and no interior lights and honestly, i think clyde fairy was just making sure we got to our final destination. dearsweetdave kept the car running while i went into the post office and he even called AAA, but they were of little help as they only offered to send a tow truck. the car was STILL running. we didn't need a tow truck. so we carefully left the post office and made our way to the hotel which was another 2 miles down the road. the minute we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel the car DIED. dead as a door nail, died. not coming back to life anytime soon, died. dead. dead. dead.

but we were in the hotel parking lot! hooray. the car was going to stay there all week anyway, so really, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. and then, after we got checked into our room, i sent up my smoke signal SOS for jesse. and because jesse is an absolute prince among men, he answered RIGHT AWAY. and i told him what had happened. he told me not to worry my little head about it, that he'd come to the hotel and take care of it. just go to maui and it will all be okay.

so, off we went to maui. and jesse and tori drove from concord and picked up the car and took it back to concord where jesse performed his magic voodoo and made it ALL BETTER. turned out it was the alternator, just as he said. it was FRIED. and after they fixed the car, they drove it back to the hotel and even put it right in the VERY SAME PARKING SPOT as where we left it.

those two are amazing. just simply amazing. dearsweetdave and i arrived in san francisco at 10:30 last night and there was the car. it started, the lights shone bright, and off we drove back to santa cruz. as if nothing had ever happened at all.

now, those are the kinds of friends you want to have. i have no idea how i'll ever repay them, but wow. i can't thank them enough for being true SUPER HEROES!

That Cape Is Waterproof, Too

Everything seemed to be going according to plan.  Andre Agassi had won his tennis match making me a happy girl.  We managed to push the off button on the television and found our way to Snorkel Bob’s where we were both quickly outfitted with fins and masks and a map of great snorkel spots on the island.  We’ve snorkeled the majority of the Kihei snorkel spots again and again so we decided we’d head up past Lahaina to Black Rock and see if we could find some giant sea turtles swimming about.

Black Rock parking was no longer as simple as we remembered.  When did all these resorts in Maui decide that they should actually reserve their parking JUST for their guests?  Don’t they know that there are those of us who are staying at other locations on the island who want to use all their fabulous facilities?  Have they not learned how nice it is to share?  Besides, it’s a beach and the ocean!  This whole proprietorship of something that really feels like it should belong to everyone kind of irks me.  Since we really couldn’t access Black Rock without a major hassle and we were in Maui, dude, and not really up for any hassles, we just kept driving up to Napili Bay. 

Napili Bay is a beautiful yellow sand crescent beach with volcanic outcroppings on each end.  There are visible reefs about 100 yards from shore and the water is a beautiful turquoise.  In all the times we’ve been to Maui, we’ve never ventured to this beach.  This was our first time.

We wasted no time at all grabbing our snorkel gear and getting into the water.   And then we started flipping about looking for the fish.  Along the volcanic rocks on the left side of the bay, were loads of fish, but the waves were such that I was sure I was going to be bashed against the rocks.   Last year I bashed against fire coral in Honduras that resulted in a major allergic reaction on my arm that lasted for weeks.  I am now pretty wary about being bashed against rocks no matter where I am so I flipped around and headed back towards the center of the bay.

As I floated along towards the deeper water, I listened as the yellow tangs munched away on the coral reefs and bright blue and green parrotfish as they swam against the currents.  I thought about how peaceful they all seemed.  Down there, under the sea, those fish aren’t thinking about the devastation of Hurricane Katrina or whether or not gasoline prices will leap to $4 a gallon.  I followed a whole family of brown speckled puffer fish out further into the sea. 

DearSweetDave and I took a breather and I remarked to him about how far we were from shore.  But the water was definitely more clear out here and we were seeing bigger fish.  Closer in, things had gotten kind of murky every time a wave came through.  The force of the undertow would create a sandstorm in the middle of the peaceful landscape and all the fish would disappear.  No, it was definitely better out there in the deeper water.

Masks back in place, we headed for a reef that was even further out.  Surely there would be even bigger fish there!  A huge Moorish idol fish gleaming yellow with a wide black stripe swam right in front of my nose.  There was a gigantic school of blue stripe snapper that was just hanging out between the rocks of the reef, acting as if they had absolutely nowhere on earth to go.  Ah, the fish.  The beautiful fish.

It was then that I lifted my head out of the water.  I’m not sure why I did this exactly.  The water was moving back and forth across the reef and I could feel the surge as I was pulled in this direction or that direction.  I suppose I wanted to get my bearings.  To see just how far we were from the shore. 

I have been swimming in the ocean since my birth nearly 42 years ago.  I am a strong swimmer, a confident swimmer, and a swimmer who loves everything about the water.  Big waves have never frightened me.  I’ve always either jumped them or swam under them, but they’ve never been something that’s scared me.  Until today.

I honestly do not know what happened.  But I looked up and there was this huge wave.  And I freaked out.  Total panic set in.  I suddenly couldn’t even swim.  It was like my body had forgotten everything it innately knows.   All I knew was that I was going to be swept out to sea and that I was going to drown. 

I ripped off my mask and screamed at DearSweetDave that I couldn’t swim.  Goddess bless my husband.  He truly is a hero with a waterproof cape.  Today, SuperHeroDave saved my life.

I continued to flail about while waves that seemed to just grow in enormity (and I know this really did only SEEM this way because of my panic) kept crashing over me.  SuperHeroDave told me to just ride one in, but I was incapable of that.  I was much too scared.  My mind was already assessing that there was no lifeguard on the beach and that no one was going to know that I was flailing about in this deep water so far from shore and that eventually I would, in fact, be swept out to sea and never see land again.  Oh it’s amazing what things your mind will think when you’re certain you’re at death’s door.  I kept gulping for air, but only swallowed more and more water that made it even more difficult to breathe.  I was unable to swim.  I was really unable to do anything.

SuperHeroDave somehow managed to remain completely calm.  It’s amazing to me, in retrospect, as he is not the best swimmer we know.  Especially in the ocean.

“Swim towards the rocks,” he yelled.  “Use your fins and just kick and swim towards the rocks!”

This made absolutely no sense to me, but I wasn’t in a position to argue with SuperHeroDave.  I could barely breathe.  Arguing was certainly out of the question.

“The reef is making these big waves.  If you swim sideways, towards the rocks, you’ll get to a place where you can then swim ashore.”

I started kicking.  Hard.  My legs felt like dead weights and it took all my effort to make them move back and forth. My panic was still only allowing me to gulp water and air and I honestly felt like each kick might just be my last.  I swam with my head out of the water, my eyes on the prize.  I was going to reach those rocks if it was the last thing I did.

SuperHeroDave swam right behind me.  “You’re doing okay, Jen.  You’re getting closer.  You’ll be able to swim into shore soon. “  And then those magic words.  “Okay, you did it.  You can head in now!” 

SuperHeroDave followed me out of the ocean and onto the beach.  He was absolutely incredulous about what had just transpired.  I really couldn’t believe it, either.  I was so grateful to him for saving my life.  Really.  He did.  With his waterproof cape and all. 

Wake of the Flood: Don't Forget the Animals

I am in Maui for the Maui Writers Conference.  DearSweetDave is with me and we're both finding ourselves rather inspired by this gathering.  I am, especially, learning lots of new things and figuring out that yes, I really am a writer. 

However, while my body and most of my head is here doing this writing thing, there's another part of my soul and head that is very much in our Gulf Coast and is terribly concerned not only for the human tragedy that is playing out there on flooded streets, roof tops, broken bridges and the superdome, but also it is with those stranded, stray, abandoned, lost animals.  Dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, horses, goats, fish...all of them literally trying to keep their heads above water. 

We all know that even before I identify myself as a writer, I identify myself as an animal lover, a woman in service to animals, a girl who really just can't live without a dog.  So it breaks my heart to know that there are thousands of people who have not only lost their homes and everything in them, but have also lost their animal companions, as well.  And that there are possibly thousands of animal companions who are now lost and hungry and scared and just as desparate for food and shelter and water as those poor people trapped within the city limits of New Orleans.

I have donated a huge chunk of my Dreamsweet Medicinal Tea money to help these animals.  I have given the rest to Second Harvest Food Bank for the food relief effort.  You all know that I'm not a religious girl by any stretch of the imagination.  I did, however, attend an Episcopalian boarding school.  A school where I had to take religious study courses and attend chapel three days a week.  A school where I really learned that it is best to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I have given all that I can to help the animals and their humans.  But I know that I still haven't done enough. 

Please remember the animals.  Every little bit will help.  They need us.  Now more than ever.