Last night I dreamed that I was Leta's nanny. That I was hired by Heather and Jon to take care of her and to also take care of Chuck. I will tell you all right now that I do not know Heather other than through her blog. I have been a faithful reader for what feels like forever. Before I even understood what a blog was, I was reading her.
Before going to bed last night, I checked in. I read about Heather asking her Granny if she took the sacrament with those same lips that she was sipping her tea. My own sister, NeverNakedBeth is a Mormon who lives in Utah so there are often things in Heather's blog that really do just make me LAUGH OUT LOUD and I wish that I had thought of to say to my own sister.
But back to my dream. In it, Heather had hired me to be Leta's nanny because she had read my blog (which I find highly improbable) and realized I was great with dogs, was a professional nanny, I knew how to say Fuck in more than three languages and I could possibly solve her poop issues. She confided in a very loud stage whisper to me after I moved in to their house that really I was there to solve all the Armstrong Poop Issues, but that my help with Leta would be greatly appreciated as well.
My first task was to give Leta a bath. And I gave Leta all these bath toys that made very loud farting noises when she squeezed them under water. There was a dolphin and a duck and a pony. And Leta really wanted them to squirt water, but instead they made fart noises. So there I was playing with her in the bathtub, when Heather and Jon and Chuck all came tumbling into the bathroom because they had heard all the farting noises and just HAD TO KNOW what was going on. Heather was wearing Wonder Woman underwear and Jon had on Spongebob Squarepants boxers. Chuck was wearing cow ears!
And then, because this is my dream I suppose and I am NakedJen, everyone got naked and got into the bathtub together. And the bathtub kept growing in size to accommodate each additional person. Including Chuck. He got in, too. We all then each had a toy and started playing Joy to the World in fart sounds.
Meanwhile, the water was still running and eventually spilled over the side of the enormous tub and through the living room and down the stairs into the basement where it ruined all the computer equipment. I was beside myself thinking Heather was going to have a melt-down or something with all that water everywhere and her inability to now blog, but instead she was completely non-chalant and said, "Oh we'll just get another house with better stuff. We really needed to wash all of that away, anyway. But you still haven't solved our POOP problem so you're not going anywhere until you do!"
So I was standing there in her basement, water up to my knees, trying to explain to her that she needed to take Rainbow Light Everyday Fiber pills and perhaps try some acupuncture and Heather's nodding her head away when my own dogs started whining and woke me up.
And I realized it really was all just a Dooce dream. I really shouldn't read blogs before bed. I'm far too impressionable.
