If you had been a fly on the wall today at our couples counseling session, this is what you may have witnessed:
sobsobsob.
tell him what you feel.
sobsobsob.
what can you give?
sobsobsob.
there are two realities.
I walked out of there feeling very fragile and not particularly hopeful even though the therapist told us both that we should be hopeful. It wasn't that anything mean or spiteful was said. It was just that hearing Dave say, again, how there were so many parts of himself that had been squashed and stuffed and were no longer alive, but that came alive when he interacted with people other than me...well...that was really hard to hear. It made me very much think that perhaps it was very much not fair of me to even ask that we continue on this path.
Dave doesn't deserve to be squashed or stuffed or not to live his life genuinely and completely. If he is unable to do that with me, then it really isn't at all fair of me to ask him to stay married to me simply because he is dear and he is sweet and he is Dave and because I love him best and more than all the rest.
Is it?
And in the interest of fairness, I will give you DearSweetDave's response. Because, well, I shared the blog post with him before posting because I felt he should read it before I actually spilled my guts to the Internet. I usually do not give him that luxury, but I felt this time he deserved it.
Dave's response:
Hi there,
I've been writing my own thoughts about our session today, and I didn't
see your email until just now. I'm sorry for not responding sooner.
It was very sweet what you wrote, and you can post it on your blog if
you want. I've kind of assumed at this point that anything that happens
between us is fair game for the blog. And that's okay. Really.
What I got from the counseling session (and I knew it already, but
still) was that we both love each other very much. I also felt, for the
first time ever, I think, that you really started to understand some of
what I've been feeling on more than an intellectual level. That you
finally saw some of the dust, at least through my eyes. That gave me
some hope.
I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're just expressing what
you want. That's a good thing. I could do more of it myself. As
for things being squashed and stuffed, I did that to myself. You
haven't done anything wrong. I really believe that. You're just being
who you need to be. Again, I could learn from that. I like the phrase
you used: "genuinely and completely." I do feel that I have been living
genuinely, just not completely.
The question I have is, if I was living genuinely and completely all
along, and you were living genuinely and completely all along, would we
still want to be married? I don't know the answer to that.
Sometimes I think it's a yes. After all, when we met we were completely
ourselves, right? And we wanted to be together. Maybe it's possible to
get back to that place? A lot of times I find myself reaching for that.
Other times I think that we're more suited as life companions. I've
said this before, and you didn't like it. But I think of Ian. You love
him completely, unconditionally. And he loves you. You are companions
in life, even though you really, when you think of it, have very little
in common. You still enjoy each other, and there is nothing you
wouldn't do for each other. That is how I feel about you. As I said
today, I travel better with you than anyone I know. Better than with my
family, better than with any friends I have tried traveling with. I
love talking about movies with you, and plays, and all sorts of things.
The thing that makes me most sad is when you say that, if our marriage
doesn't work out, I'll probably never see you again. I understand why
you say that, and why you feel that, but it feels awful to me.
I don't know what is the fair thing to do, or what we are able or
unable to do. I know this path of counseling is going to be a very
difficult one for both of us. But if it brings us to a place where we
can both share a relationship, whether that be marriage or friendship,
and feel at peace with ourselves and each other, then it's worth it to
me. When we got married, we chose to take a journey together. Maybe
this is part of that journey.
I love you,
Dave
