so let’s tell you all about our naked tales from the strip, shall we?
you see that elvis? he would NOT LET ME GET NAKED for a picture with
him. he thought it was very cool that i was a guerilla nudist, even
asked for the web address of this blog, but he would NOT let me get
naked. he said he made $100K a year selling trips to the grand canyon
and he didn't want to lose his job.
okay!
so there i am with elvis with my clothes on.
dave and i had a pretty relaxed first day in vegas. the actual getting
to vegas was not so relaxed and involved lots of panic on poor
dearsweetdave’s part with covered eyes as i was the one driving and i’m
sure he was certain he was going to die more than once or twice and
then i was certain we were going to miss the plane all together, but
once we were actually in las vegas??, pretty darned relaxed. we checked
into paris while we were still at the airport so that we were able to
go straight to our room once we got to the hotel. we spent most of that
day just wandering around outside. it wasn't RAINING. we were so happy
to just be in the sunshine. so we wandered around and then decided that
we'd go wander through ceasars, find a place to eat dinner, wander over
to wynn and then go to blue man group at 10:30. my sister
halfnakedrobin was arriving at 10:45 from raleigh, and we'd already
left a key for her at the desk so we didn't have to worry about meeting
up with her.
anyway, we ate dinner that night at this awesome japanese restaurant,
sushi roku. we actually, surprise, opted not to actually get sushi, but
instead ordered like five different dishes to share. they were all
amazing. honestly, we were in heaven with the food. so damn good. my
favorite was a yellow fin tuna carpaccio with chile. it melted in your
mouth. it was so good i wanted to order another one. oh and totally out
of character, we had this amazing drink. some sort of fizzy fruit
infused something. it was scrumptious.
after we ate, we wandered over to wynn. dave had never seen it and i
wanted to show him the floors and the parasols. so we went and ran
smack into the actor who plays the older brother on malcolm in the
middle. i have no idea who the fuck he is, but i ran smack into him and
only realized afterwards that he was an actor because of his
"entourage". then i finally figured out who he was.
we left wynn and found our way over to the venetian for the blue man
group. now, people, here's a picture of me and dearsweetdave at blue
man group.
and here's a very silly and very sad story.
dearsweetdave and i walked into the theatre and he decided he should
hit the bathroom before the show started. so i said i would just meet
him at our seats. the usher greets me at the top of the stairs and as
he's walking me to our seats, he says,
"so have you seen the blue man group before?"
"oh, yes. i saw them in new york."
"new york? when were they in new york?"
(i'm a bit aghast that this person has no idea that blue man group was in new york and still is in new york, but i continue)
"in the 80's. i saw them in new york in the 80's. when it was called tubes."
"wow. you must be REALLY old!"
(at this point i want to smack him)
"you know, i'm probably, old enough to be your mother."
"enjoy the show!" he tells me as he skips back up the stairs.
when dearsweetdave showed up i was only slightly traumatized by the
realization that i was, in fact, quite old enough to be the usher's
mother. dearsweetdave was actually quite nice about it and told me he
was sure that if i were the usher's mother the usher would at least
have known that the blue man group was once a group of street
performers in nyc because i would have made sure he was there...even if
it was in uteuro.
the show was great, but i was surprised that even though we were in the
first row and wearing the provided ponchos so we wouldn't have our
clothes ruined, we were not hit with a single drop of paint. i wanted
MORE PAINT. i paid to sit in the front row so i could have paint!
as we were walking home, i was still wearing my festoons of toilet
paper in my hair and around my neck. the streets were typical saturday
night las vegas crowded and at one point someone said, "hey, that lady
has toilet paper in her hair!" i had totally forgotten that i still had
it in there. but the funny part was that dearsweetdave had totally
forgotten as well. we both just cracked up. he's so used to me being
"different" that the toilet paper festoons just seemed completely
normal to him and not at all out of the ordinary.
we arrived back at the hotel to a VERY GRUMPY HALFNAKEDROBIN. she was
so unhappy with the people of las vegas. halfnakedrobin is a single
girl in raleigh who often finds herself alone at the bar. she likes to
sit at the bar and have dinner and chat with the cute bartenders. well,
halfnakedrobin was just furious (this would not be the first time she
was furious in las vegas) because she couldn't find a single bar that
would allow her to order food while she was sitting there chatting with
the bartender. so she had retreated to our room and had ordered room
service which they told her would take 45 minutes. this only added to
her grumpiness since it was now nearly 3:00 a.m. "her time". she
brightened up considerably, though, when her meal arrived and it
included a miniature jar of hellman's mayo. now she had a gift for
nakedmom! we all know that since the next day was easter there would
be lots of eggs…thus requiring lots of mayo for the requisite deviled
eggs. and we all know nakedmom was going to want to make good use of
that mayo, good use indeed and if she didn’t, the mormons who were also
arriving that day would certainly find a use for it in one of their
jello salads.

we all eventually crashed, but not before dearsweetdave documented that
his belly button did not have any lint and also took the opportunity to
scare the crap out of halfnakedrobin.
i woke up at 7:30 a.m. ready to walk the dogs. one thing about my life
is that i am so used to getting up to walk the dogs, that i just
automatically wake up even if i'm on vacation and don't have the dogs.
but halfnakedrobin was awake since she was still on east coast time, so
we snuck out of the room in search of coffee.
i took her to the bellagio.

and we were so happy that it was deserted. we played two slot machines
and won a quick $20 and then found coffee and small children! there
were adorable small children running around searching for easter eggs.
that was quite a departure for a hotel that used to eschew children in
all shapes and sizes. and then there was this:

solid dark chocolate. 350 pounds. it was incredible, even for a girl who doesn't eat chocolate. wow.
halfnakedrobin and i eventually made our way back to the hotel room
figuring that dearsweetdave would by now be awake. and it was when we
arrived that i thanked the universe that we do not have television at
cheznaked. there was dearsweetdave, propped on pillows, watching...are
you ready for this???
trick bowling. i'm not making this up. trick bowling. and he was so
into it that he had to watch the ENTIRE show until it was over and he
knew who won because he had chosen his favorite and he was really
“into” it. like i said, i'm just glad we don't have television at
cheznaked all the time.
so we eventually heard from nakedmom who said she was going to red rock
canyon and would see us all later, but she was kind enough to call me
from whole foods and ask me if there was anything i wanted. Organic
cranberry juice. Please! halfnakedrobin and dearsweetdave and i
headed back out. we went back to the bellagio because dearsweetdave
wanted to see that chocolate car and bunnies for himself and then on to
ceasars where we all gambled for a while. and then the phone rang and
the mormon's had finally arrived in town. which meant we now had to
figure out where and when to meet them. halfnakedrobin decided to go to
the venetian and swoop them up for a gondola ride and dearsweetdave and
i headed back to the hotel for a nap and to hide some easter eggs for
my niece and nephew.
well, i should remember, always, that things with my family ALWAYS take
seventeen hours and never go as planned. ever. especially if nakedmom
is involved. which she now was.
eventually i called halfnakedrobin to ask where they were and their ETA
and was told they had decided to have dinner at postrio and would be
along after that. at that point, exactly, i should have turned to
dearsweetdave and suggested we go find dinner. but i forgot that a
dinner when nakedmom is involved can last an eternity...just totally
forgot that part...so instead i told dearsweetdave that we should wait
and go get dinner after they got to our room.
we waited. and waited. and waited some more. we waited so long that i
saw an episode of extreme home makeover. i've NEVER seen that show
before and now i understand why it makes people cry. just as it was
about to end, there was a knock at the door and there was
nevernakedbeth, halfnakedrobin, heather, justin, nevernakedbeth's MIL
and nakedmom. finally.
of course, they then all sat around in our room chit chatting for
hours. which, in all honesty, was LOVELY. the kids found all 24 eggs we
had hidden, but not without a "little" help from us which cracked me
up. i had told dearsweetdave that they were pros and we had to hide the
eggs in VERY difficult places. it worked.
so everyone left around eleven. we decided to walk them out because at
that point i was positively starving. the escort to their car, though,
took a long time because nakedmom moves about as fast as an escargot
who has been half cooked. longlonglong time.
finally, we had put them in the car and waved goodbye. everyone was off
to circus circus to spend the night. at this point it was so late that
i told dearsweetdave it was pointless to eat. if i ate, i would have to
stay up at least three more hours and while i knew we were in vegas,
and staying up wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, i was also just plain
tired and felt it was easier just to go to bed. hungry. oh well.
so we went back to the room and crashed.
next day, i was up early again. dearsweetdave, not so much. we went
downstairs, eventually, and had breakfast. and then went over to circus
circus to find everyone else. dearsweetdave and i got SICK the moment
we walked through the front doors of circus circus. it is just that
bad. so smokey. ick. our eyes were bloodshot and our throats were sore
and we just couldn't handle it. at all.
nakedmom and halfnakedrobin were gambling.

nevernakedbeth and her kids were in the astrodome or some such thing
riding rides. all dearsweetdave and i knew was we needed to ESCAPE.
quickly.
so we convinced nakedmom and halfnakedrobin to come with us to wynn.
IMG_0533.JPG
to escape what is certainly my least favorite casino in las vegas, one
that dearsweetdave and i have sworn we will never step foot in again.
circus circus was just one clown too many for us. i am not sure how
they even stay in business.
but wynn. wynn is an entirely different animal.



we could breathe, for one thing. we wandered around, played a few slot
machines courtesy of nakedmom, and then nakedmom and halfnakedrobin
decided to go back to circus circus to meet nevernakedbeth and the
kids. we decided we would all meet at the fish tank at the mirage and
figure out from there what fun thing to do next.
i don't know what we all did before we had cell phones. i know that we
managed. hell, i know i managed just fine and traveled all over the
country with the grateful dead meeting my friends without too much
hassle in strange cities and towns, but you'd think we all have
forgotten how to be in the place we say we're going to be when we say
we're going to be there. and i think cell phones are to blame for this.
it's too easy now not to show up, dial the phone and say, "i decided to
do _______ instead." this became a theme for the weekend. and poor
halfnakedrobin. she had the only working cellphone in the group, so i
was always calling her and making her batty. but if my family had only
done what they said they were going to do when they said they were
actually going to do it...well...so much frustration could have been
avoided.
anyway, dearsweetdave and i hung out at wynn a little while longer
doing some people watching and then wandered through the fashion mall
(why? i don't know why. it was there.) and made our way to the fish
tank at the mirage. and we waited. no family. i finally call. they're
standing at the tigers. why??? because they're cute. okay. i tell them
to STAY THERE, we'll come to them. we walk over there. no family. i
call. again. where are you? over at the fish tank, where are you? argh!
so i ask them to PLEASE STAY STILL and we walk back to our original
meeting place. i don't even want to tell you guys how many times this
happened during the weekend.

now we've got lots of varying opinions, of course, about what we should
do. and suddenly everyone decides they're HUNGRY. and must eat now.
well, i say everyone. everyone except me. but okay, we're going with
the flow. so they choose a cafe. and we wander through the mirage to
find it. It’s by the pool. And only accessible to people with an
actual ROOM KEY from the hotel. Ah, good planning on the mirage’s part
on that one, huh? So we chose another café, and wandered back through
the entire casino to find it. a cafe that serves HUMONGOUS VEGAS SIZED
PORTIONS. good god. enough food for seventy people. not seven.
dearsweetdave sat between the kids and that side of the table proceeded
to get veryveryvery rowdy. which was actually hilarious. nakedmom and
nevernakedbeth were across from them and received the brunt of the
punishment, but nevernakedbeth was trying to be the "mom" and lost all
control of the situation. when dearsweetdave is keyed up he can really
get kids to be wild children.

at one point, we invited justin to come to santa cruz for a week or two
this summer. and dearsweetdave told him we'd take proper mormon boy to
a strip club. he told us he didn't want to go to a strip club. i looked
at him and said, "are you really a boy?! what kind of boy are you?!"
and he said, "a good one!" oh good grief. honestly, i think my sister
and her husband are terrified of sending their kids to our house
unaccompanied. not that i'll totally corrupt them, but i know they
worry that i'll try to open their minds. har.
so the meal finally ended (remember, nakedmom takes an eternity!) and
then she and halfnakedrobin decided they just HAD to play more slot
machines. nevernakedbeth had to go back to circus circus to meet her
MIL who had gone to a funeral that day and so dearsweetdave and i
decided to take the kids to m&m world to see the 3-D movie. we were
going to take the bus there, but then realized that the bus was just
never going to come so we all decided to walk. and walk. and walk some
more. we stopped at ceasars to use the bathroom and of course i got to
talking with some homeless guy who had come to las vegas from seattle,
had his wallet stolen, was looking for some spare change for a meal,
told me i seemed like a very nice person, i gave him all my change, i
asked dearsweetdave to give him all his change, he took out his bible
and wanted to share some scripture with us, but i told him we really
had to keep moving. I am a magnet for these folks, no matter what
city I’m in, I think I have an invisible sign that says, “I’ll give you
all my spare change!”
we got to m&m world at the same time that the bus did, so really,
it wouldn't have saved us any time at all to take the bus. but we also
got there just after the last showing of the 3-D movie.

we took this silly picture with the race car and then decided to hit
gameworks which was right next door. now that was fun. we played all
kinds of video arcade games, air hockey, basketball, pool. just fun.
and then realized that we had to go back to paris to meet everyone else.
so we walked back there and found nakedmom and MIL sitting at a
boulangerie just chatting. nevernakedbeth and halfnakedrobin were off
playing poker. the kids and dearsweetdave got ice cream and i got a
baguette and we all just sat around and people watched. and then they
all decided it was time to go back to their hotel.
but it was still kind of early. so dearsweetdave decided that we should
go see a show! he called wynn and got us tickets to see le reve. which
was absolutely amazing.
i was so glad that he did it. it was just beautiful. and mesmerizing.
and well, a great "cirque" show even if it's not an official cirque
show. i really loved it. it was magical.
my sister, nevernakedbeth, had made us promise that we would get up and
meet her in line at the buffet at paris at 9:30 a.m. the next morning.
so when we woke up at 9:00, i made dearsweetdave hurry because i told
him of all the people in my family, if nevernakedbeth says she is going
to be somewhere at a certain time, she is there. so we called the front
desk and got a late check-out (they said, hello madame sals...and i
said, "who is that?!") and then went down to meet her. and she wasn't
there. at 9:45, i called halfnakedrobin's cellphone. halfnakedrobin was
not a happy camper. at all. she at first started blasting me about why
i needed to know her GPS every time i called her. i explained that we
were in line for the buffet and nevernakedbeth was not there. and she
said she would be right over, that she was actually standing in our
hotel at the concierge desk. so she came over and she was so furious.
dearsweetdave and i just stood there as she basically spit out her
words. she said that she had no idea where our family was, but they
were somewhere in las vegas, and that they may or may not show up and
that she was now going to find some fresh air and to please not bother
her anymore.
okay!
so there we were. in line. wondering what the hell had happened and why
halfnakedrobin was so upset and where the fuck was the rest of my
family? dearsweetdave guessed that something had happened with nakedmom
and halfnakedrobin, but he couldn't really guess what. i definitely
didn't want to bother halfnakedrobin anymore, so i started calling
nevernakedbeth's cellphone and nakedmom's cellphone. neither which
answered. i started leaving all these silly messages like, "hey, a
cellphone is only useful if it is turned on!" dearsweetdave and i
wondered if we should even bother to continue standing in line, but
then he decided that we'd just eat the buffet regardless of whether or
not they showed up. i told him that if we got to the front of the line,
i'd tell the hostess that we were expecting five more people and see
what she suggested. which is exactly what happened. we got to the front
of the line. i told the hostess we were expecting five more people, but
that they were SOMEWHERE in las vegas, i had no idea where, and i
didn't want to pay for their buffet if they were not going to show up.
that woman gets my award for NICEST person in las vegas. she told us to
pay just for us, to continue in the line, to let her know if they
showed up so she could let them join us in line, and that if we got to
the seating hostess to let her know we really were a party of seven so
she could make proper arrangements and she would STILL let my family in
if they ever appeared.
so as dearsweetdave was paying, justin did, in fact, appear. and i
asked him where the rest of the group was. standing back at the end of
the line! i told him to go get them. but then he just came back with
heather. nevernakedbeth was convinced that they were so late they were
going to have to just wait at the end of the line and there was no way
all five of them could "cut". wrong.
so they got to come in the OUT door which cracked nevernakedbeth and me
up because a few years ago we had gone to this same buffet and the
hostess had told us it was past "breakfast" time and we could not come
in. so we actually HAD snuck in through the OUT door and just found an
empty table and helped ourselves to breakfast. only the hostess noticed
us because one of us had BRIGHT PINK HAIR. we were totally busted. but
we paid and she let us stay because she thought we were pretty crafty
figuring our way in. so it cracked nevernakedbeth up that she was
walking in the OUT door again! only this time she was doing it because
the hostess was telling her to do it.
the buffet was a total waste of money for me since these days my diet
is so limited. but nevernakedbeth ate enough for the entire state of
las vegas on a hungry day. i have no idea where she put all the food,
but i swear she ate at least 8 plates of food. 8! it was crazy. she
just kept going back and going back and going back again for more. and
i realized i forgot my vitamins, so i had to go back to the hotel room
and get them. but it all worked out. we got breakfast. half way
through, halfnakedrobin called to say she was at the bellagio with her
coffee and nytimes and was sitting by the pool and she didn't want to
be disturbed. she said that dropping nakedmom's luggage off with the
concierge at paris had been a HUGE HASSLE and someone had stolen her
coffee and newspaper (so she had to go get replacements) and she just
was DONE with las vegas.
everyone at breakfast decided it would be fun to go to a magic
performance at the flamingo. so dearsweetdave and i went upstairs to
pack and check out, nevernakedbeth went to buy tickets and MIL and
nakedmom decided to drive to the flamingo which is like one block away.
i'm sure they walked more to the parking garages and back. anyway, we
called halfnakedrobin because the kids really wanted her to come. so
she met us there.
the show, mac king, was great. he's very talented and funny. and we all
got free tickets, so even better! after the show, MIL noticed that
halfnakedrobin was wearing her shirt inside out. and she told her that
was probably why she was having such a bad day. so halfnakedrobin told
me she was just going to change it right there on the sidewalk and i
should take a picture for my blog. nakedmom started having a fit about
it and saying, "don't do it while i'm in this city. not while i'm in
this city!" it was hilarious. people on the sidewalks were all stopping
wondering what the hell she was talking about.



the folks on the sidewalk all started whooping and telling her to take
it all off. and poor nakedmom was beside herself. i wish i had taken a
picture of HER!
once halfnakedrobin had her shirt right-side out, we took a picture for
prosperity of all the nakedwomen and then nakedmom had to go to the
airport to catch her plane.

dearsweetdave took justin back to gameworks, and MIL and i took heather
shopping at ceasars forum. which was fun! we ended up at FAO schwartz.
there are so many cool toys out these days. halfnakedrobin spent her
time just chilling at a bar outside ceasars. we all then met up at
m&m world to see the 3-D movie (because the kids really wanted to
see it) and poor halfnakedrobin. she was just miserable. she took
herself for a walk around monte carlo. and said, "there's not enough
prozac in the world to make me a happy camper today and i've got a FULL
BOTTLE in my purse!" we all decided, after the movie, that
nevernakedbeth and her kids and MIL would head back to utah and
dearsweetdave and halfnakedrobin and i would go find something to eat
before we headed to the airport. but that, of course, became a drama.
because it's me. i'm always a drama when it comes to food. i apologize
profusely for it. but i just have trouble eating. especially in las
vegas.
i realized when i got home that i've just finished my 30-day cleanse.
so of course i'm going to think every menu i read is just toxic. ugh.
we wandered first to aladdin. but there was nothing there that was
appealing. dearsweetdave has lived with me long enough to know that he
just says, "pick something, i'll find something if you find something!"
but i kept NOT finding anything. and then we went to the bellagio.
again, nothing. finally, we ended up back at paris. and i just went to
the boulangerie and begged them to make me a cheese sandwich with
pickles. Which they did. A cheese sandwich with pickles has been my
standby on grateful dead tour my entire life. If there is nothing
else, I can always get that. har! when in doubt, go for the familiar.
we all ate. we got our luggage. we got a taxi. we got to the airport.
we got checked in. we said goodbye to halfnakedrobin who was taking a
red-eye to raleigh and then we got on the plane and flew home.
the puppies were very happy to see us, but also very mellow. they like
staying in their own house, best, i think. so i honestly do have to
figure that out for them for all the trips i'm taking this summer.
and since i've been home i've been sick. Because I just did that
cleanse. And went to a strange city. So of course I caught some
strange bug that’s in my lungs and making me coughcoughcough and it’s
quite similar to that ick that I had for six weeks last winter. But
hopefully this time it won’t last six weeks. Because as much fun as
the trip to las vegas was, it certainly isn’t worth six weeks of ick.
Nothing is worth six weeks of ick.
oh, one more thing. so i dyed my hair with special effects virgin rose
before we left for vegas. it's now this very cool purple color. and it
GLOWS. so people in vegas were literally stopping me on the street
asking me about my hair. which was kind of odd since in santa cruz no
one ever notices my hair. i would think it would be the same in vegas,
but i guess since vegas is more of a melting pot of american tourists,
maybe not. anyway, i got kind of tired of it, so i started telling
people i really couldn't remember...i had been abducted by aliens last
night and then i woke up naked behind the stratosphere and my hair was
this strange color...
it was hilarious. you should have seen the looks on some of the
people's faces. they were not sure what to think! but, come on, purple
hair is not that unusual these days. they should have just assumed i
had an accident with my easter egg dye!