nakedjen

What Love Looks Like

Sometimes, it is as simple as a dinner together at Saturn, a wander downtown with some giggles over old LP cover art at Logo's, sharing a hot tub at the Well Within and agreeing that even if you're not together you'll still go to Sweden together in August because there's no one else you'd rather take that trip with and you just know it's going to be amazing, and you both want to share that trip and those memories together.

Yes.  Sometimes, that's what love looks like.

The Dreaded Dreads

There's a girl, with purple hair, who might be called Nakedjen.  And that girl?  Her hair has dreads.  She didn't do it on purpose, she swears.  She knows that dreads are not so much fun and she also knows that the only way to actually get them out is to shave her head! 
It's taken over a year to actually have hair that she can put in a pony tail again and dye all sorts of fun anad intereseting colors and let me tell you, nakedjen does not want to shave her head.  Not today, anyway.

But she's got dreads, people.  All over her head.

How did this happen? 

Nakedjen does not brush her hair.  Like ever.  Or comb it.  Or even run her own fingers through it.  She's a very lazy girl when it comes to her hair, yes she is.  Which is probably a good reason why she doesn't even deserve to have long hair, isn't it?  She should have that shaved head, void of hair, if she wants that wash and go lifestyle.

Or...

She should learn to use a brush.  And conditioner.  And to do more than just wash and towel dry. 

Why, oh why, dear people of the Internet, does taking care of your hair have to come with such drudgery? 

Maybe I should just stick with the toilet paper look?  I just know this whole brushing thing is so not going to happen.  Help!

Naked Tales From the Strip

so let’s tell you all about our naked tales from the strip, shall we? you see that elvis? he would NOT LET ME GET NAKED for a picture with him. he thought it was very cool that i was a guerilla nudist, even asked for the web address of this blog, but he would NOT let me get naked. he said he made $100K a year selling trips to the grand canyon and he didn't want to lose his job.

okay!

so there i am with elvis with my clothes on.

dave and i had a pretty relaxed first day in vegas. the actual getting to vegas was not so relaxed and involved lots of panic on poor dearsweetdave’s part with covered eyes as i was the one driving and i’m sure he was certain he was going to die more than once or twice and then i was certain we were going to miss the plane all together, but once we were actually in las vegas??, pretty darned relaxed. we checked into paris while we were still at the airport so that we were able to go straight to our room once we got to the hotel. we spent most of that day just wandering around outside. it wasn't RAINING. we were so happy to just be in the sunshine. so we wandered around and then decided that we'd go wander through ceasars, find a place to eat dinner, wander over to wynn and then go to blue man group at 10:30. my sister halfnakedrobin was arriving at 10:45 from raleigh, and we'd already left a key for her at the desk so we didn't have to worry about meeting up with her.

anyway, we ate dinner that night at this awesome japanese restaurant, sushi roku. we actually, surprise, opted not to actually get sushi, but instead ordered like five different dishes to share. they were all amazing. honestly, we were in heaven with the food. so damn good. my favorite was a yellow fin tuna carpaccio with chile. it melted in your mouth. it was so good i wanted to order another one. oh and totally out of character, we had this amazing drink. some sort of fizzy fruit infused something. it was scrumptious.

after we ate, we wandered over to wynn. dave had never seen it and i wanted to show him the floors and the parasols. so we went and ran smack into the actor who plays the older brother on malcolm in the middle. i have no idea who the fuck he is, but i ran smack into him and only realized afterwards that he was an actor because of his "entourage". then i finally figured out who he was.

we left wynn and found our way over to the venetian for the blue man group. now, people, here's a picture of me and dearsweetdave at blue man group.

and here's a very silly and very sad story.

dearsweetdave and i walked into the theatre and he decided he should hit the bathroom before the show started. so i said i would just meet him at our seats. the usher greets me at the top of the stairs and as he's walking me to our seats, he says,

"so have you seen the blue man group before?"
"oh, yes. i saw them in new york."
"new york? when were they in new york?"

(i'm a bit aghast that this person has no idea that blue man group was in new york and still is in new york, but i continue)

"in the 80's. i saw them in new york in the 80's. when it was called tubes."
"wow. you must be REALLY old!"

(at this point i want to smack him)

"you know, i'm probably, old enough to be your mother."
"enjoy the show!" he tells me as he skips back up the stairs.

when dearsweetdave showed up i was only slightly traumatized by the realization that i was, in fact, quite old enough to be the usher's mother. dearsweetdave was actually quite nice about it and told me he was sure that if i were the usher's mother the usher would at least have known that the blue man group was once a group of street performers in nyc because i would have made sure he was there...even if it was in uteuro.

the show was great, but i was surprised that even though we were in the first row and wearing the provided ponchos so we wouldn't have our clothes ruined, we were not hit with a single drop of paint. i wanted MORE PAINT. i paid to sit in the front row so i could have paint!

as we were walking home, i was still wearing my festoons of toilet paper in my hair and around my neck. the streets were typical saturday night las vegas crowded and at one point someone said, "hey, that lady has toilet paper in her hair!" i had totally forgotten that i still had it in there. but the funny part was that dearsweetdave had totally forgotten as well. we both just cracked up. he's so used to me being "different" that the toilet paper festoons just seemed completely normal to him and not at all out of the ordinary.

we arrived back at the hotel to a VERY GRUMPY HALFNAKEDROBIN. she was so unhappy with the people of las vegas. halfnakedrobin is a single girl in raleigh who often finds herself alone at the bar. she likes to sit at the bar and have dinner and chat with the cute bartenders. well, halfnakedrobin was just furious (this would not be the first time she was furious in las vegas) because she couldn't find a single bar that would allow her to order food while she was sitting there chatting with the bartender. so she had retreated to our room and had ordered room service which they told her would take 45 minutes. this only added to her grumpiness since it was now nearly 3:00 a.m. "her time". she brightened up considerably, though, when her meal arrived and it included a miniature jar of hellman's mayo. now she had a gift for nakedmom!  we all know that since the next day was easter there would be lots of eggs…thus requiring lots of mayo for the requisite deviled eggs.  and we all know nakedmom was going to want to make good use of that mayo, good use indeed and if she didn’t, the mormons who were also arriving that day would certainly find a use for it in one of their jello salads.

we all eventually crashed, but not before dearsweetdave documented that his belly button did not have any lint and also took the opportunity to scare the crap out of halfnakedrobin.

i woke up at 7:30 a.m. ready to walk the dogs. one thing about my life is that i am so used to getting up to walk the dogs, that i just automatically wake up even if i'm on vacation and don't have the dogs. but halfnakedrobin was awake since she was still on east coast time, so we snuck out of the room in search of coffee.

i took her to the bellagio.

and we were so happy that it was deserted. we played two slot machines and won a quick $20 and then found coffee and small children! there were adorable small children running around searching for easter eggs. that was quite a departure for a hotel that used to eschew children in all shapes and sizes. and then there was this:

solid dark chocolate. 350 pounds. it was incredible, even for a girl who doesn't eat chocolate. wow.

halfnakedrobin and i eventually made our way back to the hotel room figuring that dearsweetdave would by now be awake. and it was when we arrived that i thanked the universe that we do not have television at cheznaked. there was dearsweetdave, propped on pillows, watching...are you ready for this???
trick bowling. i'm not making this up. trick bowling. and he was so into it that he had to watch the ENTIRE show until it was over and he knew who won because he had chosen his favorite and he was really “into” it.  like i said, i'm just glad we don't have television at cheznaked all the time.

so we eventually heard from nakedmom who said she was going to red rock canyon and would see us all later, but she was kind enough to call me from whole foods and ask me if there was anything i wanted. Organic cranberry juice.  Please!  halfnakedrobin and dearsweetdave and i headed back out. we went back to the bellagio because dearsweetdave wanted to see that chocolate car and bunnies for himself and then on to ceasars where we all gambled for a while. and then the phone rang and the mormon's had finally arrived in town. which meant we now had to figure out where and when to meet them. halfnakedrobin decided to go to the venetian and swoop them up for a gondola ride and dearsweetdave and i headed back to the hotel for a nap and to hide some easter eggs for my niece and nephew.

well, i should remember, always, that things with my family ALWAYS take seventeen hours and never go as planned. ever. especially if nakedmom is involved. which she now was.

eventually i called halfnakedrobin to ask where they were and their ETA and was told they had decided to have dinner at postrio and would be along after that. at that point, exactly, i should have turned to dearsweetdave and suggested we go find dinner. but i forgot that a dinner when nakedmom is involved can last an eternity...just totally forgot that part...so instead i told dearsweetdave that we should wait and go get dinner after they got to our room.

we waited. and waited. and waited some more. we waited so long that i saw an episode of extreme home makeover. i've NEVER seen that show before and now i understand why it makes people cry. just as it was about to end, there was a knock at the door and there was nevernakedbeth, halfnakedrobin, heather, justin, nevernakedbeth's MIL and nakedmom. finally.

of course, they then all sat around in our room chit chatting for hours. which, in all honesty, was LOVELY. the kids found all 24 eggs we had hidden, but not without a "little" help from us which cracked me up. i had told dearsweetdave that they were pros and we had to hide the eggs in VERY difficult places. it worked.

so everyone left around eleven. we decided to walk them out because at that point i was positively starving. the escort to their car, though, took a long time because nakedmom moves about as fast as an escargot who has been half cooked. longlonglong time.

finally, we had put them in the car and waved goodbye. everyone was off to circus circus to spend the night. at this point it was so late that i told dearsweetdave it was pointless to eat. if i ate, i would have to stay up at least three more hours and while i knew we were in vegas, and staying up wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, i was also just plain tired and felt it was easier just to go to bed. hungry. oh well.

so we went back to the room and crashed.

next day, i was up early again. dearsweetdave, not so much. we went downstairs, eventually, and had breakfast. and then went over to circus circus to find everyone else. dearsweetdave and i got SICK the moment we walked through the front doors of circus circus. it is just that bad. so smokey. ick. our eyes were bloodshot and our throats were sore and we just couldn't handle it. at all.

nakedmom and halfnakedrobin were gambling.

nevernakedbeth and her kids were in the astrodome or some such thing riding rides. all dearsweetdave and i knew was we needed to ESCAPE. quickly.

so we convinced nakedmom and halfnakedrobin to come with us to wynn.
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to escape what is certainly my least favorite casino in las vegas, one that dearsweetdave and i have sworn we will never step foot in again. circus circus was just one clown too many for us. i am not sure how they even stay in business.

but wynn. wynn is an entirely different animal.

we could breathe, for one thing. we wandered around, played a few slot machines courtesy of nakedmom, and then nakedmom and halfnakedrobin decided to go back to circus circus to meet nevernakedbeth and the kids. we decided we would all meet at the fish tank at the mirage and figure out from there what fun thing to do next.

i don't know what we all did before we had cell phones. i know that we managed. hell, i know i managed just fine and traveled all over the country with the grateful dead meeting my friends without too much hassle in strange cities and towns, but you'd think we all have forgotten how to be in the place we say we're going to be when we say we're going to be there. and i think cell phones are to blame for this. it's too easy now not to show up, dial the phone and say, "i decided to do _______ instead." this became a theme for the weekend. and poor halfnakedrobin. she had the only working cellphone in the group, so i was always calling her and making her batty. but if my family had only done what they said they were going to do when they said they were actually going to do it...well...so much frustration could have been avoided.

anyway, dearsweetdave and i hung out at wynn a little while longer doing some people watching and then wandered through the fashion mall (why? i don't know why. it was there.) and made our way to the fish tank at the mirage. and we waited. no family. i finally call. they're standing at the tigers. why??? because they're cute. okay. i tell them to STAY THERE, we'll come to them. we walk over there. no family. i call. again. where are you? over at the fish tank, where are you? argh! so i ask them to PLEASE STAY STILL and we walk back to our original meeting place. i don't even want to tell you guys how many times this happened during the weekend.

now we've got lots of varying opinions, of course, about what we should do. and suddenly everyone decides they're HUNGRY. and must eat now. well, i say everyone. everyone except me. but okay, we're going with the flow. so they choose a cafe. and we wander through the mirage to find it. It’s by the pool.  And only accessible to people with an actual ROOM KEY from the hotel.  Ah, good planning on the mirage’s part on that one, huh?  So we chose another café, and wandered back through the entire casino to find it.  a cafe that serves HUMONGOUS VEGAS SIZED PORTIONS. good god. enough food for seventy people. not seven.

dearsweetdave sat between the kids and that side of the table proceeded to get veryveryvery rowdy. which was actually hilarious. nakedmom and nevernakedbeth were across from them and received the brunt of the punishment, but nevernakedbeth was trying to be the "mom" and lost all control of the situation. when dearsweetdave is keyed up he can really get kids to be wild children.

at one point, we invited justin to come to santa cruz for a week or two this summer. and dearsweetdave told him we'd take proper mormon boy to a strip club. he told us he didn't want to go to a strip club. i looked at him and said, "are you really a boy?! what kind of boy are you?!" and he said, "a good one!" oh good grief. honestly, i think my sister and her husband are terrified of sending their kids to our house unaccompanied. not that i'll totally corrupt them, but i know they worry that i'll try to open their minds. har.

so the meal finally ended (remember, nakedmom takes an eternity!) and then she and halfnakedrobin decided they just HAD to play more slot machines. nevernakedbeth had to go back to circus circus to meet her MIL who had gone to a funeral that day and so dearsweetdave and i decided to take the kids to m&m world to see the 3-D movie. we were going to take the bus there, but then realized that the bus was just never going to come so we all decided to walk. and walk. and walk some more. we stopped at ceasars to use the bathroom and of course i got to talking with some homeless guy who had come to las vegas from seattle, had his wallet stolen, was looking for some spare change for a meal, told me i seemed like a very nice person, i gave him all my change, i asked dearsweetdave to give him all his change, he took out his bible and wanted to share some scripture with us, but i told him we really had to keep moving.   I am a magnet for these folks, no matter what city I’m in, I think I have an invisible sign that says, “I’ll give you all my spare change!”

we got to m&m world at the same time that the bus did, so really, it wouldn't have saved us any time at all to take the bus. but we also got there just after the last showing of the 3-D movie.

we took this silly picture with the race car and then decided to hit gameworks which was right next door. now that was fun. we played all kinds of video arcade games, air hockey, basketball, pool. just fun. and then realized that we had to go back to paris to meet everyone else.

so we walked back there and found nakedmom and MIL sitting at a boulangerie just chatting. nevernakedbeth and halfnakedrobin were off playing poker. the kids and dearsweetdave got ice cream and i got a baguette and we all just sat around and people watched. and then they all decided it was time to go back to their hotel.

but it was still kind of early. so dearsweetdave decided that we should go see a show! he called wynn and got us tickets to see le reve. which was absolutely amazing.

i was so glad that he did it. it was just beautiful. and mesmerizing. and well, a great "cirque" show even if it's not an official cirque show. i really loved it. it was magical.

my sister, nevernakedbeth, had made us promise that we would get up and meet her in line at the buffet at paris at 9:30 a.m. the next morning. so when we woke up at 9:00, i made dearsweetdave hurry because i told him of all the people in my family, if nevernakedbeth says she is going to be somewhere at a certain time, she is there. so we called the front desk and got a late check-out (they said, hello madame sals...and i said, "who is that?!") and then went down to meet her. and she wasn't there. at 9:45, i called halfnakedrobin's cellphone. halfnakedrobin was not a happy camper. at all. she at first started blasting me about why i needed to know her GPS every time i called her. i explained that we were in line for the buffet and nevernakedbeth was not there. and she said she would be right over, that she was actually standing in our hotel at the concierge desk. so she came over and she was so furious. dearsweetdave and i just stood there as she basically spit out her words. she said that she had no idea where our family was, but they were somewhere in las vegas, and that they may or may not show up and that she was now going to find some fresh air and to please not bother her anymore.

okay!

so there we were. in line. wondering what the hell had happened and why halfnakedrobin was so upset and where the fuck was the rest of my family? dearsweetdave guessed that something had happened with nakedmom and halfnakedrobin, but he couldn't really guess what. i definitely didn't want to bother halfnakedrobin anymore, so i started calling nevernakedbeth's cellphone and nakedmom's cellphone. neither which answered. i started leaving all these silly messages like, "hey, a cellphone is only useful if it is turned on!" dearsweetdave and i wondered if we should even bother to continue standing in line, but then he decided that we'd just eat the buffet regardless of whether or not they showed up. i told him that if we got to the front of the line, i'd tell the hostess that we were expecting five more people and see what she suggested. which is exactly what happened. we got to the front of the line. i told the hostess we were expecting five more people, but that they were SOMEWHERE in las vegas, i had no idea where, and i didn't want to pay for their buffet if they were not going to show up. that woman gets my award for NICEST person in las vegas. she told us to pay just for us, to continue in the line, to let her know if they showed up so she could let them join us in line, and that if we got to the seating hostess to let her know we really were a party of seven so she could make proper arrangements and she would STILL let my family in if they ever appeared.

so as dearsweetdave was paying, justin did, in fact, appear. and i asked him where the rest of the group was. standing back at the end of the line! i told him to go get them. but then he just came back with heather. nevernakedbeth was convinced that they were so late they were going to have to just wait at the end of the line and there was no way all five of them could "cut". wrong.

so they got to come in the OUT door which cracked nevernakedbeth and me up because a few years ago we had gone to this same buffet and the hostess had told us it was past "breakfast" time and we could not come in. so we actually HAD snuck in through the OUT door and just found an empty table and helped ourselves to breakfast. only the hostess noticed us because one of us had BRIGHT PINK HAIR. we were totally busted. but we paid and she let us stay because she thought we were pretty crafty figuring our way in. so it cracked nevernakedbeth up that she was walking in the OUT door again! only this time she was doing it because the hostess was telling her to do it.

the buffet was a total waste of money for me since these days my diet is so limited. but nevernakedbeth ate enough for the entire state of las vegas on a hungry day. i have no idea where she put all the food, but i swear she ate at least 8 plates of food. 8! it was crazy. she just kept going back and going back and going back again for more. and i realized i forgot my vitamins, so i had to go back to the hotel room and get them. but it all worked out. we got breakfast. half way through, halfnakedrobin called to say she was at the bellagio with her coffee and nytimes and was sitting by the pool and she didn't want to be disturbed. she said that dropping nakedmom's luggage off with the concierge at paris had been a HUGE HASSLE and someone had stolen her coffee and newspaper (so she had to go get replacements) and she just was DONE with las vegas.

everyone at breakfast decided it would be fun to go to a magic performance at the flamingo. so dearsweetdave and i went upstairs to pack and check out, nevernakedbeth went to buy tickets and MIL and nakedmom decided to drive to the flamingo which is like one block away. i'm sure they walked more to the parking garages and back. anyway, we called halfnakedrobin because the kids really wanted her to come. so she met us there.

the show, mac king, was great. he's very talented and funny. and we all got free tickets, so even better! after the show, MIL noticed that halfnakedrobin was wearing her shirt inside out. and she told her that was probably why she was having such a bad day. so halfnakedrobin told me she was just going to change it right there on the sidewalk and i should take a picture for my blog. nakedmom started having a fit about it and saying, "don't do it while i'm in this city. not while i'm in this city!" it was hilarious. people on the sidewalks were all stopping wondering what the hell she was talking about.

the folks on the sidewalk all started whooping and telling her to take it all off. and poor nakedmom was beside herself. i wish i had taken a picture of HER!

once halfnakedrobin had her shirt right-side out, we took a picture for prosperity of all the nakedwomen and then nakedmom had to go to the airport to catch her plane.

dearsweetdave took justin back to gameworks, and MIL and i took heather shopping at ceasars forum. which was fun! we ended up at FAO schwartz. there are so many cool toys out these days. halfnakedrobin spent her time just chilling at a bar outside ceasars. we all then met up at m&m world to see the 3-D movie (because the kids really wanted to see it) and poor halfnakedrobin. she was just miserable. she took herself for a walk around monte carlo. and said, "there's not enough prozac in the world to make me a happy camper today and i've got a FULL BOTTLE in my purse!" we all decided, after the movie, that nevernakedbeth and her kids and MIL would head back to utah and dearsweetdave and halfnakedrobin and i would go find something to eat before we headed to the airport. but that, of course, became a drama. because it's me. i'm always a drama when it comes to food. i apologize profusely for it. but i just have trouble eating. especially in las vegas.

i realized when i got home that i've just finished my 30-day cleanse. so of course i'm going to think every menu i read is just toxic. ugh. we wandered first to aladdin. but there was nothing there that was appealing. dearsweetdave has lived with me long enough to know that he just says, "pick something, i'll find something if you find something!" but i kept NOT finding anything. and then we went to the bellagio. again, nothing. finally, we ended up back at paris. and i just went to the boulangerie and begged them to make me a cheese sandwich with pickles. Which they did.  A cheese sandwich with pickles has been my standby on grateful dead tour my entire life.  If there is nothing else, I can always get that.  har! when in doubt, go for the familiar.

we all ate. we got our luggage. we got a taxi. we got to the airport. we got checked in. we said goodbye to halfnakedrobin who was taking a red-eye to raleigh and then we got on the plane and flew home.

the puppies were very happy to see us, but also very mellow. they like staying in their own house, best, i think. so i honestly do have to figure that out for them for all the trips i'm taking this summer.

and since i've been home i've been sick. Because I just did that cleanse.  And went to a strange city.  So of course I caught some strange bug that’s in my lungs and making me coughcoughcough and it’s quite similar to that ick that I had for six weeks last winter.  But hopefully this time it won’t last six weeks.  Because as much fun as the trip to las vegas was, it certainly isn’t worth six weeks of ick.

Nothing is worth six weeks of ick. 

oh, one more thing. so i dyed my hair with special effects virgin rose before we left for vegas. it's now this very cool purple color. and it GLOWS. so people in vegas were literally stopping me on the street asking me about my hair. which was kind of odd since in santa cruz no one ever notices my hair. i would think it would be the same in vegas, but i guess since vegas is more of a melting pot of american tourists, maybe not. anyway, i got kind of tired of it, so i started telling people i really couldn't remember...i had been abducted by aliens last night and then i woke up naked behind the stratosphere and my hair was this strange color...

it was hilarious. you should have seen the looks on some of the people's faces. they were not sure what to think! but, come on, purple hair is not that unusual these days. they should have just assumed i had an accident with my easter egg dye!

Naked and Frustrated Without an Earth Day

i know i owe you all my update from las vegas.  we're back.  i'm working on it. but in the meantime...
here's a naked picture!  ha!  because, well, we haven't had one in a while now, have we.
in other news...
stella is at the hospital. having her stomach pumped. an x-ray revealed that there is still "something" rather large residing in there. so we're pumping. i'm mostly pissed at my regular vet who actually is not my regular vet but the friday/saturday vet. my regular vet would have listened to me yesterday and would have given me an x-ray and we wouldn't have gone an additional 24 hours with stella in distress. but this vet, who is the friday/saturday vet doesn't listen when i speak to him. it is so damn frustrating. so i'm going to have a talk with dr. dave, who does listen, and tell him that i'm just very upset with dr. craig and am not going to bring the dogs in any more on friday/saturday because it just doesn't even do any good. instead, i'm just going to take them directly to pacific (which is the emergency hospital) because they, at least, listen to me and we manage the dogs care together.

can you tell i'm frustrated? in all the years i've been taking my dogs to westside, i have never once been wrong about a diagnosis. now, i'm not bragging here. i'm just very intuitive when it comes to my dogs. plus, i live with them 24/7. and i'm a holistic healer. i'm fairly knowledgeable about their health and well-being. i have an excellent track record. so when i come in the office and i say, "i think stella has an intestinal blockage and we should do an x-ray," the doctor should say, "okay, let's do an x-ray", not "oh, but i think it's just an intestinal parasite and here's some drugs" especially when i respond with, "that will work for buddha, because i do believe that is his problem, but i'm pretty confident that stella has a blockage and i'd feel more comfortable if we did an x-ray just to rule it out!" at that point, given that i'm the client and willing to pay, the doctor should either say to me, "it can't be a blockage because she doesn't have a blue dot on her right toe nail and all dogs with blockages have blue dots on their right toe nails!" or he should just say, "right, well, we should rule out the blockage, since you feel that might be a cause for her discomfort."

it's just bad medicine, in my opinion. especially since i'm now at the emergency vet doing many of the same tests we could have done yesterday at the regular vet but at an exhorbitant cost. and it's not even the money. we all know i don't care about the money. it's about the CARE. plain and simple. i'm just so damn frustrated with that office. i understand that dr. dave needs to have a life, but i am not going to go to the office anymore if i can't see him. at least HE gets ME. and he never ever overrules me. but perhaps that's because we have a 17 year history of caring for clyde. and he knows that i was always right when it came to clyde. he was wrong on more than one occasion and i was always right. so now, when i come in and say, "my dog has a urinary tract infection and i need something to clear it up" he just confirms it and gives me what i need. and then tells me he wishes he had more clients like me.

fuck.

again, i'm just pissed. i was complimented over and over again by the doctor at the emergency vet because i was so organized and knew exactly what was going on with stella and could pinpoint exactly what was going on, knew not to feed her, even brought a baggie with the evidence of what she had vomitted at 5 a.m. this morning. so why the fuck couldn't dr. craig have just listened to me yesterday??? huh???

i'm just venting away here. i don't need any of you to agree with me. and i will most definitely have this conversation with dr. dave on monday. because he needs to know how frustrated i am with the care i get at the hospital when he is not around. it's HIS hospital. and really, dr. craig needs to know that i really do know my dogs and how best to care for them.

moving on.

so i'm waiting to hear about stella. dearsweetdave and i are thinking about going to the earth day celebration. but how sad is this? the BIG celebration that santa cruz has always had is NOT happening this year because it's been so poorly attended in the past few years. this is santa cruz! nuclear free zone and home of recycling bins on every street corner. where you're fined if you don't recycle. how can we have a poorly attended earth day festival? what the fuck? and now we're not having one at all??? do we just not even care? there is one up at the university, which is where dearsweetdave and i are thinking about going. maybe we'll ride our bikes so we can be even more earth friendly. it's all up hill. like straight up hill. but then it will be all down hill on the way home. we can't take buddha because dogs aren't allowed on campus. i wonder how big it will be? it's at college 8 which is kind of a non-descript college up there as far as the university goes. ucsc is comprised of all these separate colleges that each have their own unique personalities. i would think kresge (which is very crunchy granola and even has their own co-op) would be hosting the earth day celebration, but again, maybe they're so earth day every day oriented they don't feel it's necessary.

so odd to me. really. this whole no earth day in santa cruz, thing. i'm just stymied.

are you having an earth day celebration in your town?  or at least doing something to honor the planet?  if so, what are you doing?  please share.

Smile, You're on Candid Camera!

My resume is floating about on the Internet somewhere.  Although, truth be told, I'm not even sure if it is MY RESUME that is floating about or a resume that someone else created for me.  The reason I say this is that last week I started getting contacted by all these folks with job offers. 

Not just any job offers, mind you.  They didn't want me to be naked!  They wanted me to actually keep my clothes on and to come and be the marketing director for this or that company in Silicon Valley.  Or even here in Santa Cruz.  I wouldn't even have to drive the hill. 

I thought all of that was a bit odd, given that we all know I haven't exactly been a burning force in the world of marketing in quite some time.  But it got even stranger just a few moments ago.

My telephone just rang.  On the other end?  A woman from Google.  What the fuck?  She said she had a position for me and would I please come in and interview? 

Well, I told her that unless it was a VP of Marketing located in their London offices, I really wasn't interested.  She asked if she found me a job in London could she call me back? 

Well, who am I to say no?  I told her if she found me the perfect job at Google in London then yes, by all means, she can certainly call me back.  Then she actually complimented me on the Dreamsweet Website (she was looking at it while talking to me) and said she hoped I was enjoying my new venture, but really, isn't it time for me to go back into marketing?

Why do I have this feeling that this is some kind of HUGE PRANK?  That at some point, I'm going to put on my nice black suit, my prim heels and actually wash my hair and then Alan Funt will jump out and say, "Smile, Nakedjen, you're on Candid Camera!" 

Because, honestly, I'm just stymied about this sudden interest in my marketing capabilities.  As I said, I'm good, but I'm not THAT good. 

Lost Wages

Last year on this day I provided all of you with a picture of me, naked, delivering my taxes to the post office.  This year, DearSweetDave and I are once again mailing off our taxes (we owe, big surprise, but not as much as last year because this year we were on the ball and actually paid our estimated taxes when we were supposed to...what is happening to us?...are we growing up and becoming responsible?...i don't think you really need to answer that) and we'll be doing that as we drive out of town to catch a plane to Las Vegas. 

We're going to Las Vegas to celebrate Easter with NeverNakedBeth and her family.  The irony of this has not escaped me.  I do believe that all good Mormon families take their children to Las Vegas to celebrate Easter.  Actually, I wonder if Easter is even a big deal for Mormons, now that I think about it?  I'm not a Mormon scholar, not by any stretch of any imagination, but I think that Mormon's are waiting for Jesus to return.  So perhaps they don't even celebrate Easter and actually the laugh is at me for thinking that there is irony in going to Las Vegas to celebrate Easter with my Mormon relatives.  I suppose I can clear all this up when I see them. 

This trip will also include visits with HalfNakedRobin and NakedMom.  Now, if you've been reading Nakedjen for any amount of time at all, you must absolutely know that a gathering that includes NakedMom and all three Naked siblings in their various states of undress certainly will lead to some sort of story that absolutely MUST be shared. 

I can only promise you faithful readers this.

There will be pictures.  And if one of us happens to get arrested for being naked in front of a casino or something, I'll have DearSweetDave blog about it for me.  We all know he's both too dear and too sweet to ever find himself on the wrong side of the law.

I shall return on Wednesday.  Until then, Viva Las Vegas, Baby.  Come on lucky 33. 

Sacred Undergarments for Everyone!

The other evening I called NeverNakedBeth to ask her a question about those undergarments that Mormon’s wear.  I was truly wondering to myself when, exactly, Heather and Justin, her children, were going to start wearing them.  Was it something they just decided to do?  Or was there some special moment in a Mormon child’s life, like when a girl gets her period, when they are deemed “ready” by their Lord to don those funny underwear? 

So I called up NeverNakedBeth because when I asked the Oracle this question, aka the Internet, all I came up with were lots of links to what I can only presume are folks who have become disillusioned with the Mormon faith or who were never Mormon’s in the first place and who are now hawking their special underwear on eBay. 

NeverNakedBeth answered the phone and before I could even ask my question, she shot out with “What do you want, NakedJen?” in a really defensive tone.  Now, it’s not like I was calling to ask how many cups of mayonnaise to put in my box chocolate cake mix.  We all know that NakedJen never uses mayonnaise for anything and she doesn’t use box mixes, either.  But my Mormon sister uses both.  I think it’s part of her religion or something.  All I know is that she has a walk-in closet in her basement, people, that is stockpiled with enough mayonnaise and canned green beans and chocolate cake mixes for all of us to eat into the next millennium.  No joke.  If ever there is a mayonnaise shortage, it will be because my sister and her Mormon brethren have decided to horde all of it just in case of impending doom.  Personally, should impending doom show its face, and the choice is take the doom or the mayonnaise and the boxed chocolate cake?  I think I might have to take the doom.  Because honestly, a life of mayo and boxed chocolate cake is not really a life that I’m really willing to live.  Then again, NeverNakedBeth hasn’t even offered to share her Doomsday closet with me.  I have a feeling should impending doom be upon me, I’m going to have to make do with all the herbs I’ve got stashed for my holistic practice and the organic dog food I’ve got stockpiled for the puppies. 

But let’s get back to the underwear.

So I told NeverNakedBeth that I was actually not calling to ask about chocolate cake or about mayonnaise, that I had a very important question.  I wanted to know when her children were going to start wearing the very special Mormon undergarments.  And I told her how the Internet was full of links to folks selling them on eBay.  Well, that bit of news was met with consternation and outrage.

“They can’t be authentic!  Who would do such a thing?!”

“I don’t know, NeverNakedBeth.  I’m just telling you, I can’t find out what age you are when you start wearing them.  Can’t you just tell me?!”

“But whose selling them on eBay.  That’s just not right.  And who would buy them on eBay?  Who wants used Mormon undergarments?  What kind of kinky thing is that?”

Perhaps that Big Love show is creating a bigger stir in the loins of men and women across America, I offered.  Perhaps folks just want to be like the women and men on that show?  I haven’t seen it, but maybe everyone wants some of those undergarments for themselves and if they’re used, they feel they’re holier or more special or something?

“Oh.  It’s just terrible!  That show.  I haven’t seen it, but we all can’t stand it!” 

“You haven’t seen it, but you can’t stand it?  How can you not stand something you haven’t seen?”

“Nakedjen, go to www.lds.org.  It will answer all your questions.  You can’t just choose to wear the undergarments.   You have to be CHOSEN to wear the undergarments.  My kids might never wear them.”

“So even though you and Scott wear them, your kids might not?”

“Nope.  Not unless they make covenants of righteousness in the Temple.” 

NeverNakedBeth wouldn’t elaborate about these covenants.  We often part ways when it comes to talking about anything that has to do with the Temple.  I have quite an issue with the Mormons and their temples because they build these beautiful buildings that are the sacred homes of God and then decide who can and can not enter them.  Even within their own religion.  To me, Nakedjen, my relationship with god, God, goddess, Buddha, whomever I choose to believe in, is a veryveryvery personal one and not one that can be judged by someone other than me.  When NeverNakedBeth was married in the Temple, the Mormon’s would not allow me to attend because I was not, a) Mormon and b) worthy to enter.  There were many fireworks that day at that Temple.  We all know that Nakedjen does not like to be told NO.  Not one bit.

So the answer to my question is that there is no age when a Mormon starts wearing those sacred undergarments.  And some Mormon’s never wear them at all, which is actually more interesting to me. Since both NeverNakedBeth and her husband wear them and they’re really the only Mormon’s I know intimately, I figured ALL Mormon’s wore them. 

But if you want to wear them and get yourself a couple extra wives like that guy on Big Love, eBay has lots of used ones for sale.  The wives you probably can find right here.

 

Warm and Bright

Dear Weather Goddess,

Please take a look a very good look at this map.  Go ahead, I'll wait.  Examine it really closely.  Do you see that VERY BIG STATE on the left that is GREEN?  The one with the CA? 

That is California. 

I live in the middle part of that state.  I think somehow you have confused this area of the country with Seattle, which is in Washington, two states NORTH.  That grey state, that's Washington. 

I'd like to request that you please send all the rain back to them.  I am tired of being wet and soggy.  The drowned rat look is so last year.  I want to be warm and bright.  My feet want a pedicure and to wear their flip flops, please.  It's April.  Time for blossoms and sunshine. 

You remember sunshine, don't you?  I think you've sent it to other parts of the world.  Like New Jersey and Tennessee.  Well, California is supposed to be the land of Sunshine.  We want it back.  PLEASE!

Whatever adjustments you need to make, it would be really wonderful if you could make them.  Now!  We have had enough rain.  At least for the time being.  And I think we've all learned our lesson about global warming.  Or at least I have.  Promise. 

Many thanks,

SoakingWetAndFreezingColdNakedjen

There Goes My Wallet

There are days when I am covered from head to toe in mud and puppy paw prints, drenched to my soul, looking quite less than glamorous that I marvel that once upon a time, I was a girl who strutted around in high heels and very fancy frocks. 

I know you’re laughing.  Go ahead.  Nakedjen in fancy frocks.  It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

I swear to all that is holy and on a pile of Manolos that it is absolutely true.  A long, long, long, long time ago…or maybe not so long ago, really, in the grand scheme of things, but what feels like an entire lifetime ago, I was a woman who truly cared about the labels in her clothing, who lived and died by the little polo pony embroidered on her shirt and the fabric hand of her skirt.  And nearly everything in my closet was black.  Black.Black.Black. 

I thought I was oh so chic.

But the thing of it was, I actually was pretty darn chic.  Or at the very least fashionable.  I was being taught by the very best that there is in the business.  One of my dearest and closest and best friends in the whole universe is Betsy Fisher.  Betsy and I met when we were 10.  Ten, people.  That’s like 32 years ago.  How many friends do you have that you can say you’ve had for 32 years?  We met while sitting on the back of our ponies at Miles River Riding School one summer afternoon.  She was from Pittsburgh, I was from Seaford.  The pony farm provided our playground.  We spent subsequent summers sharing a small one room cabin together in our own version of summer camp while also mucking stalls and showing horses and teasing boys and trying not to make Mrs. Barner completely mad with worry.  Those were some of my most favorite summers.

In the late 1980’s, Betsy, who was alwaysalwaysalways very fashionable, found herself with absolutely nowhere to shop in Washington, D.C.  She was so tired of being uninspired and of seeing the same thing everywhere she looked that she decided to open her own store.  If she was frustrated, she figured that other women were frustrated, too. 

It just so happened that I was at one of those many times in my life when I was trying to figure out what to do with myself when I reconnected with Betsy and her fabulous store.  The Grateful Dead smocks were cast by the wayside and I was soon sporting Isabel Ardee little black skirts and Nanette Lepore jackets.  Nicole Miller dresses.  Anna Sui skirts.  Think Tank one of a kind silk sheaths.  My closet was becoming a place even I didn’t recognize.  Just chock full of lovelylovelylovely things.  Betsy hired me (friends do that, don't they?  oh how lucky I was!) and I worked at the store and soon was going on buying trips with her to New York.  Oh how I loved those buying trips.  Sitting with her in designer showrooms and tempering her enthusiasm just enough to remind her that we had exactly six customers who would truly buy that particular jacket, so we really shouldn’t order any more than six.  Well, maybe one more because we'll find another new customer who will also love it.  But definitely not more than that!  But her eye, people.  She could tell the moment we walked into a showroom whether we even needed to stay.  One glance at a collection and she could either jump up and down with giddy glee or tell them thank you, we’d seen enough.   It is that eye, I am quite certain, that is the reason her store still thrives and has such a very devoted following.  Metro Washington area women completely trust Betsy to find them the unique and very special clothes that are absolutely wearable, absolutely unforgettable, yet they positively know they’re not going to see every other woman in town wearing as well. 

I left Betsy and the store when I moved back to Santa Cruz.  My leaving was not without tears, it was not without heartache, it was not without a bit of trauma.  And I will admit that it was hard to leave those cozy environs behind.  I loved working with her, every single day.  It was one of the most fun jobs I’ve ever had.  And I would gladly go back to work there again if I ever found myself back on that coast.  It is just that much fun.

For years I have been hoping that Betsy would somehow expand those four walls of her boutique and bring the world of Betsy Fisher online.  I could not, honestly, quite imagine how it would happen, as one aspect that makes Betsy Fisher truly Betsy Fisher is the very personalized service you get at her store.  Betsy remembers you.  She knows what size you wear.  She knows what you’ve bought, what pieces are already in your closet and when she shops in New York or Los Angeles, she actually keeps you in mind and will say, “Oh Marian will love this suit.  It will go great with the pants she bought last year!”  I can not tell you now many times, I’ve heard Betsy say this about each and every customer she has.  She’ll call them, personally, on the phone and tell them about a special sweater that just came in. Or a pair of earrings that remind her of them.  It’s like having your very own personal shopper who is also your best girlfriend and who is making sure you always look absolutely dynamite, no matter what the occasion. 

So how can all that personality translate to the world of online shopping?  Well, I’m not sure that it can.  But still, my special wish has come true.  Betsy Fisher is now an online shopping destination.  And in true Betsy Fisher style, she’s even already put together a multitude of looks for you to peruse.  Which is exactly what she’d do if you were to walk into the store.  She’d gather her favorite items from the latest shipment and mix and match and tell you just the reasons why you simply must have that Gerard Darel jacket, all the while shoving various ensemble ideas at your naked self standing in her dressing room.

Now?  Now we can all stand naked at our very own front door and wait for the UPS man to bring us big fat boxes filled with fabulous clothes.  Our wallets will shrink, our closets will grow, and we all, every single one of us, will look absolutely smashing.   The people at the dog park just won’t know what to make of me now, will they? 

Not So Friendly Skies. Not at All!

Hi,

I have spent over two hours on the phone with customer relations regarding a credit that I was supposed to have been issued for this flight. 

Last year, on April 22, 2005, I was supposed to fly from Oakland to Chicago for the Organic Foods Conference.  That afternoon, I received a telephone call from one of your United Agents telling me that the flight I was scheduled to take had been oversold and could I possibly take another flight?  I was unable to take another flight and my entire trip was canceled. 

I was told by your United Agent that the value of my ticket would be valid with United for an entire year from date of travel (April 22, 2005) and not date of purchase AND that I just needed to call your ticketing agents and book another flight and give them a reference code:  LPF9Q0.  She assured me that $100 change ticket fee would also be waived since this change to plans was not my fault, but was the fault of United.

So now it's April 4.  I'm trying to book a ticket to Maui.  I travel almost exclusively on United.  Not nearly as much these days as I used to in the past, but still, it is my airline of choice. 
However, I'm beginning to wonder why?? 

I tried to book my plane ticket to Maui and use my available funds from the canceled ticket from last year only to be told that the ticket had "expired" and that the funds were no longer available. 

As I was told, by your United Agent, that I had access to those funds for ONE YEAR from date of travel (and not purchase) you can imagine how upset I am by this news.  Not only that, I was offered a $100 travel voucher.  But that is $84.00 less than the value of my ticket. 

I am incensed and angry at United Airlines.  I feel as if you have stolen my money.  Through no fault of my own, absolutely none, I have lost the full value of my plane ticket.  Had I been told to use it before the original purchase date, I certainly would have done so.  I took a trip to Maui last September.  I could have easily used it then.  But I was told, again by YOUR AGENT, that I had a full year to use these funds.

I was told, repeatedly, by your customer relations department that there was NOTHING they could do.  However, when I pushed them,
they did admit that they could refund the entire amount of the ticket.  But that in this case, they would not do so and that they
were already being more than generous with the $100 travel voucher.

I asked for a $150 travel voucher and was told absolutely not.

This is not, in my opinion, good customer relations or service.  Again, I reiterate, that in this specific case, I did nothing wrong. 
I didn't cancel my ticket.  I followed the instructions provided to me by the United Agent.  I kept all the information and did as I was told. 
I am just trying to use a ticket that I originally purchased. 

Basically, I feel as if United has stolen my own money from me.  And it doesn't feel very good at all.

I believe that United Airlines, given all these facts, would really do the right thing and give me at least a
travel voucher for the entire value of my ticket.  You have my money.  Why wouldn't you allow me to use it?

I am seriously considering never flying with United again.  Why should I?  You take my money, you make it impossible
to retrieve it and when I ask to please speak to a supervisor or someone who might be able to help me, I am put on hold
for over an hour and then told that it isn't possible.

I look forward to a happy resolution to this problem.  All I would like is the ability to use the full value of my ticket
toward the purchase of my ticket to Maui for travel on June 15, 2006. 

Is that so much to ask? 

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Nakedjen

P.S.  I know you're trying to save money by outsourcing customer relations to India,
but all those "more overs" and "madames" in strong Indian accents can not compensate
for poor customer service.  Ever.  Just saying.