Naked Tales From the Strip

so let’s tell you all about our naked tales from the strip, shall we? you see that elvis? he would NOT LET ME GET NAKED for a picture with him. he thought it was very cool that i was a guerilla nudist, even asked for the web address of this blog, but he would NOT let me get naked. he said he made $100K a year selling trips to the grand canyon and he didn't want to lose his job.

okay!

so there i am with elvis with my clothes on.

dave and i had a pretty relaxed first day in vegas. the actual getting to vegas was not so relaxed and involved lots of panic on poor dearsweetdave’s part with covered eyes as i was the one driving and i’m sure he was certain he was going to die more than once or twice and then i was certain we were going to miss the plane all together, but once we were actually in las vegas??, pretty darned relaxed. we checked into paris while we were still at the airport so that we were able to go straight to our room once we got to the hotel. we spent most of that day just wandering around outside. it wasn't RAINING. we were so happy to just be in the sunshine. so we wandered around and then decided that we'd go wander through ceasars, find a place to eat dinner, wander over to wynn and then go to blue man group at 10:30. my sister halfnakedrobin was arriving at 10:45 from raleigh, and we'd already left a key for her at the desk so we didn't have to worry about meeting up with her.

anyway, we ate dinner that night at this awesome japanese restaurant, sushi roku. we actually, surprise, opted not to actually get sushi, but instead ordered like five different dishes to share. they were all amazing. honestly, we were in heaven with the food. so damn good. my favorite was a yellow fin tuna carpaccio with chile. it melted in your mouth. it was so good i wanted to order another one. oh and totally out of character, we had this amazing drink. some sort of fizzy fruit infused something. it was scrumptious.

after we ate, we wandered over to wynn. dave had never seen it and i wanted to show him the floors and the parasols. so we went and ran smack into the actor who plays the older brother on malcolm in the middle. i have no idea who the fuck he is, but i ran smack into him and only realized afterwards that he was an actor because of his "entourage". then i finally figured out who he was.

we left wynn and found our way over to the venetian for the blue man group. now, people, here's a picture of me and dearsweetdave at blue man group.

and here's a very silly and very sad story.

dearsweetdave and i walked into the theatre and he decided he should hit the bathroom before the show started. so i said i would just meet him at our seats. the usher greets me at the top of the stairs and as he's walking me to our seats, he says,

"so have you seen the blue man group before?"
"oh, yes. i saw them in new york."
"new york? when were they in new york?"

(i'm a bit aghast that this person has no idea that blue man group was in new york and still is in new york, but i continue)

"in the 80's. i saw them in new york in the 80's. when it was called tubes."
"wow. you must be REALLY old!"

(at this point i want to smack him)

"you know, i'm probably, old enough to be your mother."
"enjoy the show!" he tells me as he skips back up the stairs.

when dearsweetdave showed up i was only slightly traumatized by the realization that i was, in fact, quite old enough to be the usher's mother. dearsweetdave was actually quite nice about it and told me he was sure that if i were the usher's mother the usher would at least have known that the blue man group was once a group of street performers in nyc because i would have made sure he was there...even if it was in uteuro.

the show was great, but i was surprised that even though we were in the first row and wearing the provided ponchos so we wouldn't have our clothes ruined, we were not hit with a single drop of paint. i wanted MORE PAINT. i paid to sit in the front row so i could have paint!

as we were walking home, i was still wearing my festoons of toilet paper in my hair and around my neck. the streets were typical saturday night las vegas crowded and at one point someone said, "hey, that lady has toilet paper in her hair!" i had totally forgotten that i still had it in there. but the funny part was that dearsweetdave had totally forgotten as well. we both just cracked up. he's so used to me being "different" that the toilet paper festoons just seemed completely normal to him and not at all out of the ordinary.

we arrived back at the hotel to a VERY GRUMPY HALFNAKEDROBIN. she was so unhappy with the people of las vegas. halfnakedrobin is a single girl in raleigh who often finds herself alone at the bar. she likes to sit at the bar and have dinner and chat with the cute bartenders. well, halfnakedrobin was just furious (this would not be the first time she was furious in las vegas) because she couldn't find a single bar that would allow her to order food while she was sitting there chatting with the bartender. so she had retreated to our room and had ordered room service which they told her would take 45 minutes. this only added to her grumpiness since it was now nearly 3:00 a.m. "her time". she brightened up considerably, though, when her meal arrived and it included a miniature jar of hellman's mayo. now she had a gift for nakedmom!  we all know that since the next day was easter there would be lots of eggs…thus requiring lots of mayo for the requisite deviled eggs.  and we all know nakedmom was going to want to make good use of that mayo, good use indeed and if she didn’t, the mormons who were also arriving that day would certainly find a use for it in one of their jello salads.

we all eventually crashed, but not before dearsweetdave documented that his belly button did not have any lint and also took the opportunity to scare the crap out of halfnakedrobin.

i woke up at 7:30 a.m. ready to walk the dogs. one thing about my life is that i am so used to getting up to walk the dogs, that i just automatically wake up even if i'm on vacation and don't have the dogs. but halfnakedrobin was awake since she was still on east coast time, so we snuck out of the room in search of coffee.

i took her to the bellagio.

and we were so happy that it was deserted. we played two slot machines and won a quick $20 and then found coffee and small children! there were adorable small children running around searching for easter eggs. that was quite a departure for a hotel that used to eschew children in all shapes and sizes. and then there was this:

solid dark chocolate. 350 pounds. it was incredible, even for a girl who doesn't eat chocolate. wow.

halfnakedrobin and i eventually made our way back to the hotel room figuring that dearsweetdave would by now be awake. and it was when we arrived that i thanked the universe that we do not have television at cheznaked. there was dearsweetdave, propped on pillows, watching...are you ready for this???
trick bowling. i'm not making this up. trick bowling. and he was so into it that he had to watch the ENTIRE show until it was over and he knew who won because he had chosen his favorite and he was really “into” it.  like i said, i'm just glad we don't have television at cheznaked all the time.

so we eventually heard from nakedmom who said she was going to red rock canyon and would see us all later, but she was kind enough to call me from whole foods and ask me if there was anything i wanted. Organic cranberry juice.  Please!  halfnakedrobin and dearsweetdave and i headed back out. we went back to the bellagio because dearsweetdave wanted to see that chocolate car and bunnies for himself and then on to ceasars where we all gambled for a while. and then the phone rang and the mormon's had finally arrived in town. which meant we now had to figure out where and when to meet them. halfnakedrobin decided to go to the venetian and swoop them up for a gondola ride and dearsweetdave and i headed back to the hotel for a nap and to hide some easter eggs for my niece and nephew.

well, i should remember, always, that things with my family ALWAYS take seventeen hours and never go as planned. ever. especially if nakedmom is involved. which she now was.

eventually i called halfnakedrobin to ask where they were and their ETA and was told they had decided to have dinner at postrio and would be along after that. at that point, exactly, i should have turned to dearsweetdave and suggested we go find dinner. but i forgot that a dinner when nakedmom is involved can last an eternity...just totally forgot that part...so instead i told dearsweetdave that we should wait and go get dinner after they got to our room.

we waited. and waited. and waited some more. we waited so long that i saw an episode of extreme home makeover. i've NEVER seen that show before and now i understand why it makes people cry. just as it was about to end, there was a knock at the door and there was nevernakedbeth, halfnakedrobin, heather, justin, nevernakedbeth's MIL and nakedmom. finally.

of course, they then all sat around in our room chit chatting for hours. which, in all honesty, was LOVELY. the kids found all 24 eggs we had hidden, but not without a "little" help from us which cracked me up. i had told dearsweetdave that they were pros and we had to hide the eggs in VERY difficult places. it worked.

so everyone left around eleven. we decided to walk them out because at that point i was positively starving. the escort to their car, though, took a long time because nakedmom moves about as fast as an escargot who has been half cooked. longlonglong time.

finally, we had put them in the car and waved goodbye. everyone was off to circus circus to spend the night. at this point it was so late that i told dearsweetdave it was pointless to eat. if i ate, i would have to stay up at least three more hours and while i knew we were in vegas, and staying up wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, i was also just plain tired and felt it was easier just to go to bed. hungry. oh well.

so we went back to the room and crashed.

next day, i was up early again. dearsweetdave, not so much. we went downstairs, eventually, and had breakfast. and then went over to circus circus to find everyone else. dearsweetdave and i got SICK the moment we walked through the front doors of circus circus. it is just that bad. so smokey. ick. our eyes were bloodshot and our throats were sore and we just couldn't handle it. at all.

nakedmom and halfnakedrobin were gambling.

nevernakedbeth and her kids were in the astrodome or some such thing riding rides. all dearsweetdave and i knew was we needed to ESCAPE. quickly.

so we convinced nakedmom and halfnakedrobin to come with us to wynn.
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to escape what is certainly my least favorite casino in las vegas, one that dearsweetdave and i have sworn we will never step foot in again. circus circus was just one clown too many for us. i am not sure how they even stay in business.

but wynn. wynn is an entirely different animal.

we could breathe, for one thing. we wandered around, played a few slot machines courtesy of nakedmom, and then nakedmom and halfnakedrobin decided to go back to circus circus to meet nevernakedbeth and the kids. we decided we would all meet at the fish tank at the mirage and figure out from there what fun thing to do next.

i don't know what we all did before we had cell phones. i know that we managed. hell, i know i managed just fine and traveled all over the country with the grateful dead meeting my friends without too much hassle in strange cities and towns, but you'd think we all have forgotten how to be in the place we say we're going to be when we say we're going to be there. and i think cell phones are to blame for this. it's too easy now not to show up, dial the phone and say, "i decided to do _______ instead." this became a theme for the weekend. and poor halfnakedrobin. she had the only working cellphone in the group, so i was always calling her and making her batty. but if my family had only done what they said they were going to do when they said they were actually going to do it...well...so much frustration could have been avoided.

anyway, dearsweetdave and i hung out at wynn a little while longer doing some people watching and then wandered through the fashion mall (why? i don't know why. it was there.) and made our way to the fish tank at the mirage. and we waited. no family. i finally call. they're standing at the tigers. why??? because they're cute. okay. i tell them to STAY THERE, we'll come to them. we walk over there. no family. i call. again. where are you? over at the fish tank, where are you? argh! so i ask them to PLEASE STAY STILL and we walk back to our original meeting place. i don't even want to tell you guys how many times this happened during the weekend.

now we've got lots of varying opinions, of course, about what we should do. and suddenly everyone decides they're HUNGRY. and must eat now. well, i say everyone. everyone except me. but okay, we're going with the flow. so they choose a cafe. and we wander through the mirage to find it. It’s by the pool.  And only accessible to people with an actual ROOM KEY from the hotel.  Ah, good planning on the mirage’s part on that one, huh?  So we chose another café, and wandered back through the entire casino to find it.  a cafe that serves HUMONGOUS VEGAS SIZED PORTIONS. good god. enough food for seventy people. not seven.

dearsweetdave sat between the kids and that side of the table proceeded to get veryveryvery rowdy. which was actually hilarious. nakedmom and nevernakedbeth were across from them and received the brunt of the punishment, but nevernakedbeth was trying to be the "mom" and lost all control of the situation. when dearsweetdave is keyed up he can really get kids to be wild children.

at one point, we invited justin to come to santa cruz for a week or two this summer. and dearsweetdave told him we'd take proper mormon boy to a strip club. he told us he didn't want to go to a strip club. i looked at him and said, "are you really a boy?! what kind of boy are you?!" and he said, "a good one!" oh good grief. honestly, i think my sister and her husband are terrified of sending their kids to our house unaccompanied. not that i'll totally corrupt them, but i know they worry that i'll try to open their minds. har.

so the meal finally ended (remember, nakedmom takes an eternity!) and then she and halfnakedrobin decided they just HAD to play more slot machines. nevernakedbeth had to go back to circus circus to meet her MIL who had gone to a funeral that day and so dearsweetdave and i decided to take the kids to m&m world to see the 3-D movie. we were going to take the bus there, but then realized that the bus was just never going to come so we all decided to walk. and walk. and walk some more. we stopped at ceasars to use the bathroom and of course i got to talking with some homeless guy who had come to las vegas from seattle, had his wallet stolen, was looking for some spare change for a meal, told me i seemed like a very nice person, i gave him all my change, i asked dearsweetdave to give him all his change, he took out his bible and wanted to share some scripture with us, but i told him we really had to keep moving.   I am a magnet for these folks, no matter what city I’m in, I think I have an invisible sign that says, “I’ll give you all my spare change!”

we got to m&m world at the same time that the bus did, so really, it wouldn't have saved us any time at all to take the bus. but we also got there just after the last showing of the 3-D movie.

we took this silly picture with the race car and then decided to hit gameworks which was right next door. now that was fun. we played all kinds of video arcade games, air hockey, basketball, pool. just fun. and then realized that we had to go back to paris to meet everyone else.

so we walked back there and found nakedmom and MIL sitting at a boulangerie just chatting. nevernakedbeth and halfnakedrobin were off playing poker. the kids and dearsweetdave got ice cream and i got a baguette and we all just sat around and people watched. and then they all decided it was time to go back to their hotel.

but it was still kind of early. so dearsweetdave decided that we should go see a show! he called wynn and got us tickets to see le reve. which was absolutely amazing.

i was so glad that he did it. it was just beautiful. and mesmerizing. and well, a great "cirque" show even if it's not an official cirque show. i really loved it. it was magical.

my sister, nevernakedbeth, had made us promise that we would get up and meet her in line at the buffet at paris at 9:30 a.m. the next morning. so when we woke up at 9:00, i made dearsweetdave hurry because i told him of all the people in my family, if nevernakedbeth says she is going to be somewhere at a certain time, she is there. so we called the front desk and got a late check-out (they said, hello madame sals...and i said, "who is that?!") and then went down to meet her. and she wasn't there. at 9:45, i called halfnakedrobin's cellphone. halfnakedrobin was not a happy camper. at all. she at first started blasting me about why i needed to know her GPS every time i called her. i explained that we were in line for the buffet and nevernakedbeth was not there. and she said she would be right over, that she was actually standing in our hotel at the concierge desk. so she came over and she was so furious. dearsweetdave and i just stood there as she basically spit out her words. she said that she had no idea where our family was, but they were somewhere in las vegas, and that they may or may not show up and that she was now going to find some fresh air and to please not bother her anymore.

okay!

so there we were. in line. wondering what the hell had happened and why halfnakedrobin was so upset and where the fuck was the rest of my family? dearsweetdave guessed that something had happened with nakedmom and halfnakedrobin, but he couldn't really guess what. i definitely didn't want to bother halfnakedrobin anymore, so i started calling nevernakedbeth's cellphone and nakedmom's cellphone. neither which answered. i started leaving all these silly messages like, "hey, a cellphone is only useful if it is turned on!" dearsweetdave and i wondered if we should even bother to continue standing in line, but then he decided that we'd just eat the buffet regardless of whether or not they showed up. i told him that if we got to the front of the line, i'd tell the hostess that we were expecting five more people and see what she suggested. which is exactly what happened. we got to the front of the line. i told the hostess we were expecting five more people, but that they were SOMEWHERE in las vegas, i had no idea where, and i didn't want to pay for their buffet if they were not going to show up. that woman gets my award for NICEST person in las vegas. she told us to pay just for us, to continue in the line, to let her know if they showed up so she could let them join us in line, and that if we got to the seating hostess to let her know we really were a party of seven so she could make proper arrangements and she would STILL let my family in if they ever appeared.

so as dearsweetdave was paying, justin did, in fact, appear. and i asked him where the rest of the group was. standing back at the end of the line! i told him to go get them. but then he just came back with heather. nevernakedbeth was convinced that they were so late they were going to have to just wait at the end of the line and there was no way all five of them could "cut". wrong.

so they got to come in the OUT door which cracked nevernakedbeth and me up because a few years ago we had gone to this same buffet and the hostess had told us it was past "breakfast" time and we could not come in. so we actually HAD snuck in through the OUT door and just found an empty table and helped ourselves to breakfast. only the hostess noticed us because one of us had BRIGHT PINK HAIR. we were totally busted. but we paid and she let us stay because she thought we were pretty crafty figuring our way in. so it cracked nevernakedbeth up that she was walking in the OUT door again! only this time she was doing it because the hostess was telling her to do it.

the buffet was a total waste of money for me since these days my diet is so limited. but nevernakedbeth ate enough for the entire state of las vegas on a hungry day. i have no idea where she put all the food, but i swear she ate at least 8 plates of food. 8! it was crazy. she just kept going back and going back and going back again for more. and i realized i forgot my vitamins, so i had to go back to the hotel room and get them. but it all worked out. we got breakfast. half way through, halfnakedrobin called to say she was at the bellagio with her coffee and nytimes and was sitting by the pool and she didn't want to be disturbed. she said that dropping nakedmom's luggage off with the concierge at paris had been a HUGE HASSLE and someone had stolen her coffee and newspaper (so she had to go get replacements) and she just was DONE with las vegas.

everyone at breakfast decided it would be fun to go to a magic performance at the flamingo. so dearsweetdave and i went upstairs to pack and check out, nevernakedbeth went to buy tickets and MIL and nakedmom decided to drive to the flamingo which is like one block away. i'm sure they walked more to the parking garages and back. anyway, we called halfnakedrobin because the kids really wanted her to come. so she met us there.

the show, mac king, was great. he's very talented and funny. and we all got free tickets, so even better! after the show, MIL noticed that halfnakedrobin was wearing her shirt inside out. and she told her that was probably why she was having such a bad day. so halfnakedrobin told me she was just going to change it right there on the sidewalk and i should take a picture for my blog. nakedmom started having a fit about it and saying, "don't do it while i'm in this city. not while i'm in this city!" it was hilarious. people on the sidewalks were all stopping wondering what the hell she was talking about.

the folks on the sidewalk all started whooping and telling her to take it all off. and poor nakedmom was beside herself. i wish i had taken a picture of HER!

once halfnakedrobin had her shirt right-side out, we took a picture for prosperity of all the nakedwomen and then nakedmom had to go to the airport to catch her plane.

dearsweetdave took justin back to gameworks, and MIL and i took heather shopping at ceasars forum. which was fun! we ended up at FAO schwartz. there are so many cool toys out these days. halfnakedrobin spent her time just chilling at a bar outside ceasars. we all then met up at m&m world to see the 3-D movie (because the kids really wanted to see it) and poor halfnakedrobin. she was just miserable. she took herself for a walk around monte carlo. and said, "there's not enough prozac in the world to make me a happy camper today and i've got a FULL BOTTLE in my purse!" we all decided, after the movie, that nevernakedbeth and her kids and MIL would head back to utah and dearsweetdave and halfnakedrobin and i would go find something to eat before we headed to the airport. but that, of course, became a drama. because it's me. i'm always a drama when it comes to food. i apologize profusely for it. but i just have trouble eating. especially in las vegas.

i realized when i got home that i've just finished my 30-day cleanse. so of course i'm going to think every menu i read is just toxic. ugh. we wandered first to aladdin. but there was nothing there that was appealing. dearsweetdave has lived with me long enough to know that he just says, "pick something, i'll find something if you find something!" but i kept NOT finding anything. and then we went to the bellagio. again, nothing. finally, we ended up back at paris. and i just went to the boulangerie and begged them to make me a cheese sandwich with pickles. Which they did.  A cheese sandwich with pickles has been my standby on grateful dead tour my entire life.  If there is nothing else, I can always get that.  har! when in doubt, go for the familiar.

we all ate. we got our luggage. we got a taxi. we got to the airport. we got checked in. we said goodbye to halfnakedrobin who was taking a red-eye to raleigh and then we got on the plane and flew home.

the puppies were very happy to see us, but also very mellow. they like staying in their own house, best, i think. so i honestly do have to figure that out for them for all the trips i'm taking this summer.

and since i've been home i've been sick. Because I just did that cleanse.  And went to a strange city.  So of course I caught some strange bug that’s in my lungs and making me coughcoughcough and it’s quite similar to that ick that I had for six weeks last winter.  But hopefully this time it won’t last six weeks.  Because as much fun as the trip to las vegas was, it certainly isn’t worth six weeks of ick.

Nothing is worth six weeks of ick. 

oh, one more thing. so i dyed my hair with special effects virgin rose before we left for vegas. it's now this very cool purple color. and it GLOWS. so people in vegas were literally stopping me on the street asking me about my hair. which was kind of odd since in santa cruz no one ever notices my hair. i would think it would be the same in vegas, but i guess since vegas is more of a melting pot of american tourists, maybe not. anyway, i got kind of tired of it, so i started telling people i really couldn't remember...i had been abducted by aliens last night and then i woke up naked behind the stratosphere and my hair was this strange color...

it was hilarious. you should have seen the looks on some of the people's faces. they were not sure what to think! but, come on, purple hair is not that unusual these days. they should have just assumed i had an accident with my easter egg dye!