The other evening I called NeverNakedBeth to ask her a question about those undergarments that Mormon’s wear. I was truly wondering to myself when, exactly, Heather and Justin, her children, were going to start wearing them. Was it something they just decided to do? Or was there some special moment in a Mormon child’s life, like when a girl gets her period, when they are deemed “ready” by their Lord to don those funny underwear?
So I called up NeverNakedBeth because when I asked the Oracle this question, aka the Internet, all I came up with were lots of links to what I can only presume are folks who have become disillusioned with the Mormon faith or who were never Mormon’s in the first place and who are now hawking their special underwear on eBay.
NeverNakedBeth answered the phone and before I could even ask my question, she shot out with “What do you want, NakedJen?” in a really defensive tone. Now, it’s not like I was calling to ask how many cups of mayonnaise to put in my box chocolate cake mix. We all know that NakedJen never uses mayonnaise for anything and she doesn’t use box mixes, either. But my Mormon sister uses both. I think it’s part of her religion or something. All I know is that she has a walk-in closet in her basement, people, that is stockpiled with enough mayonnaise and canned green beans and chocolate cake mixes for all of us to eat into the next millennium. No joke. If ever there is a mayonnaise shortage, it will be because my sister and her Mormon brethren have decided to horde all of it just in case of impending doom. Personally, should impending doom show its face, and the choice is take the doom or the mayonnaise and the boxed chocolate cake? I think I might have to take the doom. Because honestly, a life of mayo and boxed chocolate cake is not really a life that I’m really willing to live. Then again, NeverNakedBeth hasn’t even offered to share her Doomsday closet with me. I have a feeling should impending doom be upon me, I’m going to have to make do with all the herbs I’ve got stashed for my holistic practice and the organic dog food I’ve got stockpiled for the puppies.
But let’s get back to the underwear.
So I told NeverNakedBeth that I was actually not calling to ask about chocolate cake or about mayonnaise, that I had a very important question. I wanted to know when her children were going to start wearing the very special Mormon undergarments. And I told her how the Internet was full of links to folks selling them on eBay. Well, that bit of news was met with consternation and outrage.
“They can’t be authentic! Who would do such a thing?!”
“I don’t know, NeverNakedBeth. I’m just telling you, I can’t find out what age you are when you start wearing them. Can’t you just tell me?!”
“But whose selling them on eBay. That’s just not right. And who would buy them on eBay? Who wants used Mormon undergarments? What kind of kinky thing is that?”
Perhaps that Big Love show is creating a bigger stir in the loins of men and women across America, I offered. Perhaps folks just want to be like the women and men on that show? I haven’t seen it, but maybe everyone wants some of those undergarments for themselves and if they’re used, they feel they’re holier or more special or something?
“Oh. It’s just terrible! That show. I haven’t seen it, but we all can’t stand it!”
“You haven’t seen it, but you can’t stand it? How can you not stand something you haven’t seen?”
“Nakedjen, go to www.lds.org. It will answer all your questions. You can’t just choose to wear the undergarments. You have to be CHOSEN to wear the undergarments. My kids might never wear them.”
“So even though you and Scott wear them, your kids might not?”
“Nope. Not unless they make covenants of righteousness in the Temple.”
NeverNakedBeth wouldn’t elaborate about these covenants. We often part ways when it comes to talking about anything that has to do with the Temple. I have quite an issue with the Mormons and their temples because they build these beautiful buildings that are the sacred homes of God and then decide who can and can not enter them. Even within their own religion. To me, Nakedjen, my relationship with god, God, goddess, Buddha, whomever I choose to believe in, is a veryveryvery personal one and not one that can be judged by someone other than me. When NeverNakedBeth was married in the Temple, the Mormon’s would not allow me to attend because I was not, a) Mormon and b) worthy to enter. There were many fireworks that day at that Temple. We all know that Nakedjen does not like to be told NO. Not one bit.
So the answer to my question is that there is no age when a Mormon starts wearing those sacred undergarments. And some Mormon’s never wear them at all, which is actually more interesting to me. Since both NeverNakedBeth and her husband wear them and they’re really the only Mormon’s I know intimately, I figured ALL Mormon’s wore them.
But if you want to wear them and get yourself a couple extra wives like that guy on Big Love, eBay has lots of used ones for sale. The wives you probably can find right here.
