this is an absolutely true story.
i went to urgent care today because last night while i was sleeping i
was attacked by the poison oak monster. he obviously licked me all over
my legs and my left eye. this morning i woke up with blistered inflamed
angry skin and my left eye was swollen shut. i looked like i had just
been in the boxing ring with rocky balboa and rocky had obviously won.
our friend benedryl helped with the eye swelling, but not enough to
really make a huge difference. plus i was ingesting my own tea concoctions and homeopathic remedies, but those take time for results. and i was a tad worried because, well,
poison oak is not something i usually get. in fact, i haven't had an
outbreak of poison oak in over 15 years. but the last one i had? i
ended up in the hospital.
i'm wondering if all that cleansing i've been doing somehow has
cleansed my immunity to poison oak right out of me? that will teach me
for cleansing my colon, huh?
anyway, i decided after some deliberation that i should go to urgent
care. really, it was about my eye. i know not to itch and scratch, but
the blistering on my eye seemed to be on the inside of my eyelid and i
just wanted to be sure that all was okay.
so i went to our local urgent care facility. and i was shocked to see
that there was absolutely NO ONE in the waiting room. not a soul. i
walked up and as soon as i finished giving the receptionist my name,
the door swung open and they were calling me back. in other words, they
were not busy today. at all.
so back i go. the PA asks me all the usual questions. why am i there?
oh poison oak is so nasty. where is it? oh, man, those are some very
angry blisters! this just happened last night? how did you get it?
i explain about the two large black hairy beasts that share my home and
who love to roam in poison oak bushes. and then rub their bodies all
over me. without telling me that they've just roamed in poison oak
bushes. because they're nice and sweet black hairy beasts who don't
want to frighten or upset me.
the PA takes my temperature, takes my blood pressure, takes my pulse
and then tells me the doctor will be right in. and it was a revolving
door at urgent care today because as soon as she left in he walked.
literally. in.out.
so now i'm chatting with dr. drecker. who is a very nice and personable
doctor. and he's asking many of the same questions that the PA asked.
and i'm answering. and he tells me that the best solution is to give
the two black hairy beasts baths. in hot soapy water. and not allow
them to go roam in the poison oak anymore.
okay, right, i say. do you want to tell them that? because if i tell
them that there will be mutiny and they're going to eat my couch. they
LOVE lighthouse field. and they love to chase one another through the
bushes. and play wild kingdom. it's one of their most favorite games. i
don't think i can tell them that after their hot soapy water baths they
will no longer be going to lighthouse field. i'm serious. they'll eat
my couch.
so he tells me that he's my pal in all of this. honestly that's what he
said. "jen, i'm your pal." and then he tells me he's writing me a
prescription for a steroid. to stop my body's immune response. he
cautions me that the steroid needs to be eaten with food because it
might upset my stomach. and that it also might make me "wiry".
i told him that if there is a possible side effect, no matter how
remote, i will be his patient that gets the side effect. that's me. i'm
his one in a million patient. it's his lucky lottery day.
so he's writing away in my chart and on his prescription pad and he
says, "well if they catch you running naked down pacific avenue just
blame the doctor and blame the drugs!"
i smirk and ask him if i can quote him on that?
and without even looking at me he continues, "actually, no one is going
to even notice you naked on pacific avenue. so if they catch you
running naked with your dogs in lighthouse field, just blame the doctor
and blame the drugs!"
again, i giggle and ask if i can quote him on that?
at this point, he looks up. and he's handing me my prescriptions. and
he notices my t-shirt. my nakedjen t-shirt. that i happen to be
wearing. my shirt that says, "i'd rather be naked!"
and he laughs and says, "look at your shirt! oh wow. well, you most
certainly need to just blame the doctor and blame the drugs!"
and then he shook my hand and told me to have a great day and he left. just like that.
but i can tell you this. poison oak or no poison oak, the next time i get in trouble for being
naked? i am so blaming the doctor and then i'm blaming the drugs.