i wasn't going to write about this. or at least not right now. but you know what? it's my blog. and i've got to get it out.
we had a wonderful weekend. a weekend where those who were observing from the outside would say, "wow, those two have a really great marriage!"
so of course you can guess where this is going.
i woke up this morning and found my husband in the living room sitting cross-legged on the floor. i asked him what was up and he said he had been up most of the night. thinking. about us.
he's done.
he says he loves me, he thinks i'm the most amazing woman he'll ever know, i am his best friend, he can't imagine his life without me in it, but he's done.
and he doesn't know what his path is, he just knows that being married to me is not it.
my heart, to put it bluntly, is absolutely shattered. i feel like the biggest fool. for trusting him. for believing that he really wanted to be my husband. for being the best wife i could possibly be and having it just not be enough.
i feel like he's broken one of our most sacred promises. and i know i always say that marriage happens every day. that we wake up each morning and say, "today i choose to be married." and i understand that dave no longer chooses to be married.
but i'm still shattered. i'm still hurt. i'm still crying and unsure of what this all means for me and for us.
i feel like all my hopes and dreams have just been completely stomped on and buried.
and i just want to, well, there are a lot of things i really want to do. i feel rather schizophrenic, actually.
gah.
i'm fucked. and i'm crushed. and i'm feeling very alone.
and....
so the truth of the matter is this. dave is leaving. he's really and truly done. when is he leaving? fuck if i know. he just decided that he's done, but he has no plan. at all.
at first, i thought, well, fine. you're leaving. get out. now.
but now? well, he's not going anywhere. i told him he can stay here and we can figure this all out together.
you see, i love my husband. i really love my husband. i'm not just his prom date. i'm his wife. and while i am still trying to wrap my mind around this whole, "i'm done" bomb that he dropped this morning, i still love my husband. very much.
i also want him to be happy. to be the best dave that he can be. and if that means a life that doesn't include me, well that is what it means.
i am not going to hang on to him and beg him to stay in a marriage that is not a place where he wants to be. i'm just not that girl.
extricating our lives from one another's is going to be difficult and messy and it just can't be done over night. there are just lots of factors and joint responsibilities and co-owned businesses and undoing all of that will just take a lot of time and patience.
i came very close to just throwing the dogs in the car with my backpack and leaving. that's been my MO in the past. i just leave. everything. and let him, whomever he is, deal with it.
but i have the marathon on sunday. and i couldn't let all those people who have been so supportive of my marathon efforts down. and i didn't want to let myself down, either.
so i'm here. and i'm going to do my best to be the BEST me i can be through this whole process. because, well, i don't do things half-assed. even the things i didn't exactly sign-up for.
P.S. a heartfelt from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head thank you to all of you who have called, emailed and posted that you love me. and that i will be okay. i know i will be okay. but this messy part right now sure feels like i'm not going to be okay. however, i do know i will. i always land on my feet. i will this time, too. it just may take a long while to get there.
