I am still breathing. For this I am grateful. For this I also owe lots of heaps and praise and thanks to the ever kind and loving Gwendomama who has been keeping me safe and warm and offered not only me sanctuary, but my large black dogs sanctuary as well. Sanctuary that came with wireless internet access, no less. And chocolate cupcakes. And a hot tub for my post-marathon very aching body. And the cutest 2 year old boy on the planet that was quite helpful in his attempts to mend a broken Nakedjen heart.
I will admit that it was reallyreallyreally hard to leave that sanctuary. In fact, I feel as if I need to go back. Pronto. I don't think I'm quite ready for the real world, quite yet. I thought I was, but Nakedjen in the real world makes my mind go into the strangest of places.
For example.
Yesterday I contemplated, seriously, I very serious, whether of not I should perhaps consider plastic surgery. I'm turning 44 this year. I'm going to be divorced. My body, as we all know from the pictures, isn't exactly, well, perky! Somehow I found my mind going to this place where I honestly was thinking, "Self, if you're going to be joining the single world of available women again you may need to get a few things lifted and tucked and tightened! Because all the downward dogs and handstands in the world are not going to reverse what gravity has already done to this 44 year old body. Not now!"
Um, yeah. See what I mean? The pre-divorce, post-bombshell dropped Nakedjen's brain is obviously still a little rattled. And not thinking very clearly. As soon as I drank a good long swig of my Cranberry Kombucha (elixir of all good Naked goddesses) I shook my head and banished those thoughts of plastic surgery. At least for now. I'm not promising that they're not going to come back, so I'm counting on you, my faithful readers of Nakedjen, to remind me that loving my body just as it is is a good thing and that there will be another man (or woman or orangutan) out there in this world who will love and cherish my body just as it is!
After clearing my head from the visions of boob lifts and butt lifts and cheek implants, I marched myself into a tattoo convention in San Jose where I then became obsessed with finding the perfect "I'm now divorced" tattoo to adorn my body. Nothing says, "I'm a free woman" like branding yourself. Right? Um, yeah.
I was thinking I needed something for my heart chakra. It's still feeling rather broken. Shattered, really. Smashed to smithereens if I want to be the most truthful about it. I was thinking that a little buzzing of the tattoo needle and some ink injected right there into my heart resulting in a beautiful laughing buddha sitting on a lotus might just help it to mend.
Or not.
It might instead just hurt like hell and lighten my already very light wallet by about $500. Of course nothing says, "Hey, my husband dumped me and I just emptied our bank account so he couldn't", like a permanent laughing buddha on your chest! Surely it's the ultimate symbol of the last laugh.
But I couldn't actually go through with it.
Truthfully, another tattoo on my heart chakra does sound like a nice idea. But not when my heart is still so shattered. I need to do it when I'm whole. When I'm not doing it because I'm angry and hurt and wishing my life was not this life but another life entirely.
Still, I'm grateful that I was able to stand there and have that moment. To choose not to do it. To decide that it was anger that was driving me and to let it go. To know that I don't need a laughing buddha on my heart chakra to help it to mend. That continuing to love what is, to love my own real-life Buddha and Stella, is what will mend my heart. Body art is great, but it isn't what makes you whole.
Buddha and Stella, by the way, will be moving with me shortly. The Universe heard my cry for a new place to live and it answered it perfectly. We've found a cottage on two acres right here in Santa Cruz. Right in town, if you can believe it. It is small, but it is perfect for us. And the price was exactly right.
What was most surprising to me was that not only are they thrilled that I have TWO DOGS, but they're also thrilled that I am naked! Could this be a better fit? The plastic surgery will definitely have to wait. I mean, these folks already love me just as I am.
For that, and for so much else, I am always always grateful.
P.S. A large and ever ever grateful shout out to Dr. Suz. Who I feel I have not properly acknowledged. Every step of that marathon last Sunday, Dr. Suz was there with me. Every.Single.Step. She absolutely never let me quit. She kept me smiling, she reminded me that we'd just done one mile, of course we could do another, and she just made sure I kept moving forward. I would not be a marathoner without her! I mean that in all seriousness. She deserves my medal as well as her own. So all gratitude to her for asking me to participate, for getting me to train with her, and for getting me over that finish line.
She is, quite simply, an amazing human being! I'm blessed to have her in my life!
