You all are going to think I'm completely nuts. Perhaps, I am? I suppose if I actually went to see my doctor we might have a valid answer to that question. But I don't even go see her. I just leave random messages for her and she calls me back and then I call her back and voila, I've got prescriptions at the drug store.
Back to the nuts.
Last night, after that Day of Divorce Sale that we held here at the house, I went with Dave, yes DAVE, to the Saturn for dinner and then to a concert. And not just any concert. Keith Greeninger was playing a solo show at the Kuumbwa Jazz Center. Keith Greeninger, for those of you who are new to this blog, is a fabulous folk musician who played at our wedding. He's been one of our closest friends ever since.
I know that there's a possibility that I'm leaving Santa Cruz soon, so I wanted to go to this concert. I thought that perhaps Dave would want to go, too. Because, well, it's Keith. So I wrote to Keith and his beautiful wife, Susan, and told them what was up with us and asked if we could come. Yes, "we". I know, completely crazy.
Susan and Keith were very sad to hear our news. Very sad. But of course they wanted us both to come to the concert. So our names were added to the guest list, just like always, and that is how we found ourselves sitting dead center in the second row at last night's show.
Keith has some amazing songs. I have some absolute favorites among them. And there are some that he specifically played at our wedding. I can't say for certain that he was playing specific songs last night with the hope that it might provide some healing medicine for our relationship, but what I feel pretty darn certain that he was playing specific songs last night for me.
And when he played them?
Sobs. And more sobs. Snot everywhere. If you'd been a stranger at that concert and looked over at me you'd have thought my dog had died. I was a big fat puddle. And sitting next to me was a very stoic man.
People, I want to share that the concert last night for me was actually really "good grief". The songs triggered so many deep emotions that I really needed to reach and let go. I needed to sob, I needed to have Keith sing and hear those words and let them touch me in a way that only seeing him live can do. I needed that music to feed my very hungry soul.
Having the man that I have previously referred to on this blog as DearSweetDave sitting next to me so stoic and unmoved was truly revealing for me. He is no longer my husband. He really has let go and moved on. Because the DearSweetDave that I knew and loved would not have been able to sit there next to his sobbing wife and not offer her a napkin for her runny nose, or a hug, or ask her if she was really okay?
He would have done all of that and more. But last night, he did not. And that is all there is to know.
