nakedjen

The Weight of My Stuff

the movers came and picked up all my stuff today.  to take it to utah.  all those shoes?  well, they weighed over 3,000 pounds.  the few things i decided to take to utah?  amounted to 60 boxes.  60!  i think my previous mode of moving is a far better way to do things.  grab the dogs, grab a backpack, stuff backpack with essentials, jump in car, move.  doesn't that sound much easier?  i think it would have been easier on my head and heart.  the weight of my stuff is, well, beginning to weigh on me.

you know, honestly, things are not so good. they should be, right? but they're not. it hit me today when everything was put on that truck. i'm moving to utah.

i know this is a beautiful opportunity.  that my life could be much worse.  believe me, i know this. 

but i am still very sad. i have lived in santa cruz for twenty years. this city may be making it very difficult for me to stay and the whole dog issue may be making me batty, but the people of this city are my people. i have a huge and loving and supportive community here. and i am very sad and, yes, angry, that my life's circumstances found me in a place where i truly had to choose to leave.

i know i made the choice. i could have fought harder i know to actually stay here. made even bigger compromises. chosen to live in the moldy cottage, for example. but the thing is, i am most angry that i chose to love someone who chose to break his promises to me and now here i am having to choose to leave the very community i have so lovingly supported and created for myself.

that is what makes me sad and angry.

i'm going to utah. where i know no one. and yes, of course, i will meet people. i always meet people. i will create a new community. of course, i will.

but the thing that bothers me is that i am going through a huge emotional upheaval (and i know i seem strong and together and marching head high, but trust me, i'm still fragile on the inside!!) right now and i'd like nothing more than to stay right here. with my people. who already know me and love me and don't care if i sit on the sidewalk and sob.

because sometimes i just need to sit on the sidewalk and sob.

so yeah.  not so good.  but i will be better.  today was just not the best of days in the land of nakedjen.

__________________

Burning Vision

We held the rest of our Divorce Sale over the weekend.  And now it's done.  We won't ever be having another one.  Check that off the list.  A lot of my book collection went off to new homes and I'm glad that they're going to folks who may at least appreciate them before passing them on to someone else.  It was quite busy at points on both days and I know that many things just walked out of here without being paid for, which upset me at first, but then I just let it go.  I mean, honestly, I just wanted to stuff to please go!

I think what was upsetting me was that folks felt like they really could just walk off with things!  When did this happen in our society?  I know it has always happened.  But it seems to happen so much more frequently now.  People just pick things up, put them in their pocket, and walk off.  Like they're entitled to take things.  I know I'm just as guilty, actually.  I have walked into concerts and movies as an "invisible" person on numerous occasions (however I actually usually DO have a ticket) and I have downloaded television shows from the internet.  But if I was at your garage sale I saw a set of bowls that looked like something I might want?  I'd pay you for them.  I promise.

You might remember that Dave and I created a vision board together last year on the Solstice.  A huge board.  It was at least 4 feet by 6 feet if not larger.  We co-created it together with our "vision" for our marriage.  What we both wanted together and individually.  We took a long time to put it together and a lot of thought and energy went into the board.  We hung it in our bedroom on the wall facing our bed so that we could see it each night as we were going to bed.  I can't speak for Dave, but I do know that I spent a lot of time looking at the board each night.  And visualizing the things on it that were important to me.  Many of the "things" on the board have come into our lives over this year. 

But when Dave said he was done in October, my first thought was that we had to do something significant with the Vision Board.  That was a lot of co-created energy that just could not be left to its own devices.  I didn't want to just "throw it away".  And I also didn't really want it to exist anymore.  Because "we" no longer existed.

So on Saturday evening, after our Divorce Sale, under the full moon, we burned the Vision Board in a ceremony on the beach.  It went up in flames rather quickly and easily.  And as I watched it burn into ashes and watched the ashes float over the beach and out to sea, I honestly felt a sense of relief.  And completeness. 

Two young boys walked up just as the Vision Board was truly erupting into giant flames and one of them said, "Burning things is a great way to get rid of stuff you no longer need!"  No longer need, indeed.  His timing could not have been more perfect.

I didn't even feel sad.  I just felt like it was all good.  I let go of our marriage.  I sent it back to the Universe.  I let go of Dave.  I sent him back, too.  And I realized I am now truly free to receive whatever gifts and opportunities and especially love that may come my way.   This is all happening very fast, I know.    I also am aware that I may falter and may take two steps back at any time.  But today, in this moment, I am open, I am willing and I am ready to receive. 

All of it. 

Gratitude and Thanks

I've been remiss in giving gratitude.  So I want to first send a very heartfelt thank you to my very warm and generous host for sharing his table and his laughter and his home and his fabulous friends with me and with my friend Chris on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is usually about family.  But for me, it is about spending the day with those whom I consider dear friends.  And that is precisely what I did.  I am blessed, truly blessed, to have so many dear friends in this big world.  I know this and it is not something I ever want to take for granted. 

So to each of you who reads this little blog about the Naked girl who loves her dogs and her family and her friends with a deep and true passion and is also passionate about saving the planet, promoting peace, and hoping that we can all learn to love one another just a little bit more, thank you.  No, I mean that, thank you.  You keep coming back.  For that I will always be grateful.

I am also grateful that, though it has been just a few short weeks, I am going to be okay.  Many of you wrote and told me this would be so.  I had trouble believing it.  However, life is carrying me forward on a new adventure and I'm still breathing, I'm still laughing and I've still got that sparkle in my eye.  As my friend, Dave Winer said to me on Thursday, "You don't seem fragile to me!" 

I'm grateful I'm not fragile.  I can live with my fragile moments, but I like being a strong and vibrant Nakedjen.

So again, thank you, dear friends, family, readers of this blog, random folks who landed here today searching for a naked picture of Jennifer Aniston (I know you did...it's okay...I'm just the other Nakedjen ;-)).  You help me to keep on being me.  It is with deep gratitude that I will continue on.

What I Always Suspected...

There's some very disturbing news regarding the Santa Cruz City Council and the continuing battle for dogs off-leash access in Santa Cruz today.  As you all know, it has been one of my major activist roles in this community and while Buddha and Stella and I will no longer be here to fight for our right for off-leash access, I will be following along.  I must admit that I always suspected that something just was not right in this entire mess.  It just was not adding up.  Particularly since my own proposals for other options were also completely ignored and never even acknowledged.

I am happy to say that those good folks in Utah actually do recognize the importance of off-leash exercise for dogs.  And that our new home is just steps away from one of the BEST off-leash dog parks in the city.  So we're going where Buddha and Stella will be able to romp and play in the snow...without a leash! 

I just hope that their friends here in Santa Cruz will be able to do the same.  It saddens me to think that the dogs of this beautiful city can not be allowed to enjoy it freely!

From FOLF:

Important new information was uncovered as a result of the legal case we filed on November 15.

What we were led to believe by the City of Santa Cruz
The City and its staff have repeatedly assured the Friends of Lighthouse Field board, individual FOLF members and the rest of our community that the City was committed to support and preserve our community and maintain off-leash recreation at Lighthouse Field and Its Beach.  Unfortunately, this turned out not to be the whole story.

In 2005, the Santa Cruz City Attorney made a behind-closed-doors deal with the State Parks General Counsel to terminate off-leash recreation at Lighthouse Field and Its Beach.
At the November 19 initial hearing on our legal action, previously undisclosed information came to light. It appears the City Council duped and deceived the people of Santa Cruz to believe the Council backed the community desire for continued off-leash access at Lighthouse Field and Its Beach, when in fact, in 2005, the State's attorney brokered a deal in which the City agreed to terminate off-leash recreation at Lighthouse Field and Its Beach in exchange for a contribution to the City’s court costs and a discount on  the exorbitant legal fees the anti-dog group's attorney was demanding from the City. Further, we have documented evidence that the City and State specifically arranged to hide this back room deal to give the City "political cover."

We received a sworn statement from the State Parks General Counsel Bradly Torgan and copies of letters between City Attorney John Barisone and Torgan.  See www.folf.org/sellout_timeline.php to read for yourself this sad tale, including links to all the documents.

What were they thinking? Now we know, and it's clearly not democracy at its best.
We are deeply distressed that Council members and City officials met repeatedly with members of the public, knowing that they had sold us out in 2005, and yet somehow never saying a word. They repeatedly misled us about what we needed to do.  We’ve always wondered why the obvious solution of simply renewing the operating agreement for 20 more years at no added cost was not being considered.  Now we know.

This behavior by Council and City officials is unethical and unconscionable, and most likely in violation of law.  To put it simply:  it's wrong.

The deception continues today.
In this morning's Sentinel, City Attorney John Barisone said: "The state and the court said we had to stop the off-leash hours."  That is false:  The court never said any such thing, and the supposed State Parks directive was concocted to cover up the City’s surrender.  See www.folf.org/sellout_timeline.php to read the original documents and judge for yourself.

Now more than ever, FOLF is committed to prevail.
Now that this previously undisclosed deal has come to light, FOLF is considering additional legal action to strike down an agreement to terminate off-leash access at Lighthouse Field and Its Beach.

This has become a much bigger issue than just dogs off leash.  No matter what you think about dogs and leashes, you should be alarmed about how the City has conducted its business -- likely in violation of laws enacted to safeguard the public's right to open government. We must hold our City and State to higher ethical standards.  They must make major policy decisions in an open and honest fashion, and they must be accountable for their decisions.

If there is some other explanation of these events, we'd be glad to hear it.  If the City wants to provide an explanation and/or an apology, we'll make it available to you.

At the bottom line, you are playing a key role in the preservation of Lighthouse Field and Its Beach.
We are at a turning point in our efforts -- it is increasingly clear that our responsible stewardship and shared community are vital to the future of Lighthouse Field and Its Beach. Together we will preserve our community, neighborhood and quality of life -- and protect all our rights to open government.

This has been and will continue to be a tough and costly battle. More than ever, we need your continued support in the form of donations. If you are as upset as we are, let the City Council know what you think today!

Visit www.folf.org to make a donation or find out where to call or write.

Friends of Lighthouse Field
849 Almar Ave.
Suite C - PMB 414
Santa Cruz, CA 95060
www.folf.org

When the Going Gets Tough

The tough go to Sundance. 

A little over a month ago, on October 12, Dave said, if we remember, "I'm done."  My world, if we all remember, turned upside down.  Or so I felt and believed at the time.  The word divorce was not in my vocabulary and I honestly could not believe that the man I professed to love truly, madly, deeply with every fiber of my being could possibly be done with me.  How could anyone, especially my husband, be done with me?  Ego, much?  Um, yeah.

One night while I was taking sweet refuge in the pod at Gwendomama's house, in a moment of "screw Dave and his 'I'm Done' business" decided to apply for a job at the Sundance Film Festival.  A real job.  Not a volunteer job. 

Well, that has set off a course of events over the last few weeks that has, in itself, been rather interesting and dramatic and topsy turvy all on its own.  Here's the abridged version:

Did she get the job?  I don't know did she?  Um, well, she hasn't heard anything.  Oh, wait, they called!  They interviewed her.  For three different positions.  It all went very well.  They sounded enthusiastic.  But she hasn't heard anything.  At all.  WTF?  What about the dogs?  Her sister said she could bring the dogs!  Wait, her sister says she can't bring the dogs!  But Sundance was enthusiastic!  What will happen if she gets a job offer and can't take the dogs??  The dogs are most important.  Her father says to "just get rid of the god damned dogs!"  There's a woman who loves to rent to people with pets?!  She has a house!  Hooray!  But she still hasn't heard from Sundance.  Does she really want to move to SLC if she hasn't heard from Sundance?  But wait?  There's another woman!  With a tea shop.  And a house!  And it's free!  Wow!!!  Move and just go and isn't the Universe wonderful??  Oh wait, it's not free.  And the house isn't so good for the dogs.  So perhaps she should take the first house that was offered?  Can't.  It's been rented.  Now what??  Still haven't heard from Sundance.  But her friend did.  He didn't get a position.  Oh no.  Maybe she's not meant to go to Utah at all.  Look at options in Santa Cruz.  It's all so expensive!  Can she figure out how to squeeze the dogs into that one bedroom on Riverside for $1150?  And how will she really afford that?  Oh dear.  Um, Sundance called.  They have a possible job.  Please call them back!  She got the job!!  And the landlord that loves dogs also rented her a better house!  So she's moving to Salt Lake City.  But if she's starts babbling about green jello molds and mini marshmallows, someone damn well promise to come and do an intervention, STAT.

I'm thankful, truthfully, that the dogs and I have a place to go.  A home.  A home that is welcoming to dogs!  With a big fenced back yard.  That is just a few blocks walk from a wonderful dog park.  And a block from a great yoga studio, a great independent film movie theatre and Salt Lake's only naturopathic doctor and wellness center.  I chose my neighborhood carefully, as you can tell.

I am still very sad to be leaving Santa Cruz.  It is my home and has been for the last 20 years.  But I can always come back.  I don't have to stay in Salt Lake City forever.  But change is good every once in a while.  Adventure and new beginnings are always a good thing for the soul. 

And so begins the next journey in the adventure that is my life.  We leave at the end of December. 

Good Grief

You all are going to think I'm completely nuts.  Perhaps, I am?  I suppose if I actually went to see my doctor we might have a valid answer to that question.  But I don't even go see her.  I just leave random messages for her and she calls me back and then I call her back and voila, I've got prescriptions at the drug store.

Back to the nuts. 

Last night, after that Day of Divorce Sale that we held here at the house, I went with Dave, yes DAVE, to the Saturn for dinner and then to a concert.  And not just any concert.  Keith Greeninger was playing a solo show at the Kuumbwa Jazz Center.  Keith Greeninger, for those of you who are new to this blog, is a fabulous folk musician who played at our wedding.  He's been one of our closest friends ever since.

I know that there's a possibility that I'm leaving Santa Cruz soon, so I wanted to go to this concert.  I thought that perhaps Dave would want to go, too.  Because, well, it's Keith.  So I wrote to Keith and his beautiful wife, Susan, and told them what was up with us and asked if we could come.  Yes, "we".  I know, completely crazy.

Susan and Keith were very sad to hear our news.  Very sad.  But of course they wanted us both to come to the concert.  So our names were added to the guest list, just like always, and that is how we found ourselves sitting dead center in the second row at last night's show.

Keith has some amazing songs.  I have some absolute favorites among them.  And there are some that he specifically played at our wedding.  I can't say for certain that he was playing specific songs last night with the hope that it might provide some healing medicine for our relationship, but what I feel pretty darn certain that he was playing specific songs last night for me.

And when he played them?

Sobs.  And more sobs.  Snot everywhere.  If you'd been a stranger at that concert and looked over at me you'd have thought my dog had died.  I was a big fat puddle.  And sitting next to me was a very stoic man. 

People, I want to share that the concert last night for me was actually really "good grief".  The songs triggered so many deep emotions that I really needed to reach and let go.  I needed to sob, I needed to have Keith sing and hear those words and let them touch me in a way that only seeing him live can do.  I needed that music to feed my very hungry soul. 

Having the man that I have previously referred to on this blog as DearSweetDave sitting next to me so stoic and unmoved was truly revealing for me.  He is no longer my husband.  He really has let go and moved on.  Because the DearSweetDave that I knew and loved would not have been able to sit there next to his sobbing wife and not offer her a napkin for her runny nose, or a hug, or ask her if she was really okay? 

He would have done all of that and more.  But last night, he did not.  And that is all there is to know. 

sold!

phew. that's done. for today at least. in the midst of the divorce sale my landlord showed up and he's been doing "improvements" all day. gah. like i don't have enough to deal with? why today does he need to be doing improvements to the house? he says it is so it is ready to rent on december 1. but i haven't even moved out yet?? and honestly, it was just stressful having him here all day while i had every one of my belongings strewn all over the yard, the garage, and even the house...as we had people come in the house if they were interested in some of the larger pieces of furniture.

i have spent the WHOLE DAY with dave. it was exhausting. i have no idea how much money we made. we are not doing this tomorrow but will do this again next weekend as it looks, honestly, like we didn't sell a thing. but we sold A LOT OF STUFF.

goodness. 

i had one freak out moment when i opened a box and it was FULL of wedding momentos. our programs, our invites, our save the dates, all of it. it all feels like a big fat lie. i don't know when it won't. i honestly on most days feel like i wasted the last eight years. and i know intellectually that probably isn't true. it's just how i feel right now. like i gave my heart and soul to this marriage, but for what? pain and agony???

anyway, i have to go.  the dogs have been inside all day.  they need a walk and food and love. 

just like their mama.  i need a walk and love, too.

One Breath At A Time

i started the lexapro today. i'm way too sensitive because colors are MUCH BRIGHTER and i'm all jittery. gah. sounds are also MUCH LOUDER. and i feel even more sensitive and fragile if that is even possible. how could that be possible??

so here is plan 1,256. because, obviously we must be up to at least that number by now, right? i think so. it is an old plan, actually. i think we're coming full circle. gah.

i am only moving to SLC if i have an actual job and a house. and until i have those two things secured and finalized, i'm not going. if december 1 roles around and i have neither of those things, then all my stuff (and yes, i'm keeping things!) will go into storage and i'll just hit the road with the dogs and go visit my friends. i'll meet pinky and yvonne in boulder and continue from there. again, this is IF i don't have a job and a house secured.

so i'm just leaving it all up to the universe. how very nakedjen of me, huh? and i honestly, am. i'm not rolling over and spending the days in a fetal position (although honestly that sounds quite tempting), but i'm just tired of trying to make plans only to have them thwarted! or tossed upside down. or on their head.

i'm tired.  i'm spent.  i'm cried out. 

so universe?  i'm yours.  send me what you've got. 

i do believe that with all this painful preparation it's got to be something fanfuckingtastic, yes??  absolutely, yes! 

but again, i'm trying my best to have no real expectations. just leave my heart completely open and see what unfolds before me.

that's plan 1,256.  and we all know it is subject to change.

Craptastic Day, Alice!

My day started out lovely enough.  Honestly, it did.  With a walk with the dogs and a fan of Nakedjen.  How can that be a bad thing?  It can't really.  It was a good thing.  A very good thing.

But it deteriorated in ways I don't wish to even talk about from there.  And this whole having no phone and no Internet access at my house is for the birds.  I'm skulking about in coffeehouses using up the free wireless this city seems very fond of passing along to its very caffeinated citizens.

That good news I mentioned?  Not such good news.  Life keeps shifting.  It's like I'm on a ice float adrift from the Titanic.  I can't decide if it's better that I landed on the ice or if I should have just stayed on the sinking ship!

My doctor called in a new prescription for me today.  Lexapro!  Gah.  I do not take drugs.  But I am going to take this little white pill and see what happens. 

Perhaps, I should say, I feel like Alice.  Her world and perspective was always changing, she was never quite sure of her footing, and well, only the caterpillar and Cheshire Cat seemed to really know what was what.

We have some Hookah Clubs here in Santa Cruz now.  Perhaps I should go and see if there's a caterpillar with some wisdom to share?

A Wedding Dress and Fine China

When I first met DearSweetDave on the September day all those years ago I had recently extracted myself from another relationship that had lasted for more than 15 years.  The end of that relationship, a relationship and friendship that I honestly believed would last forever, came quite swiftly.  He also drove off with nearly all my things in the back of his truck to Colorado.

For the first few years of my relationship with DearSweetDave, there was an ongoing joke about how I used to have X or Y, but it now lived in Colorado.  It could be as simple as a certain CD or as complicated as an entire set of copper pots and pans, but with the exception of Clyde and clothes that were only fit for a girl to wear, pretty much everything dashed off to Colorado never to be seen again.

I found myself wishing yesterday as I looked at our very fine china, the china we chose so carefully together when we were making plans to be husband and wife, when we were registering for wedding gifts, when we were crafting what our future just might be, that DearSweetDave would just grab it all and drive away in the middle of the night and leave me standing there in an empty house with just Buddha and Stella.

I'm not sure if the pain of that would be less or more than the pain I am experiencing now, because, honestly, I'm living this pain now and the pain from my last relationship is over ten years old and of course pain has a way of healing and easing over time. 

There's the matter of my wedding dress.  A dress that, like the fine china, was chosen with quiet and deliberate certainty.  I was only going to wear the White Dress once.  I had a White Dress Syndrome, actually, and because I had been certain, before meeting DearSweetDave and truly trusting him with my delicate heart that I was never going to be married at all, never going to wear a White Dress, never going to have a wedding, the White Dress held for me quite a lot of significance.  Perhaps more than it should have held.  But there you have it.

And now, there it hangs.  In my closet.  And I'm not quite sure what to do with it.  It actually is a little too big at the moment thanks to this Trauma Trim Diet I've been on for the last month.  It is an exquisite dress.  I chose that dress above all others because it truly represented me.  And yes, I know, it's just a Big White Dress.  But it was therapy for me.  It eased all my Big White Dress Syndrome fears and I knew, on that day especially, that I was truly a Bride and, more importantly, that I was absolutely a Wife.

Today, I am neither a wife nor a bride.  I am about to be divorced.  And single.  And do I really want to be some ghost of Mrs. Haversham dragging her old wedding dress around because she simply can not let go of what was supposed to be, the dashed dreams, the hopes of what might have been? 

Do I want to have that fine china there with rotting wedding cake reminding me each day that DearSweetDave has chosen someone else?  That he loves someone other than me?  That I am not his only true love?  That the dress, the china, the champagne flutes were all just props in our drama while DearSweetDave discovered that marriage to me only caused him deep and unfathomable unhappiness?

I loved him.  Truly, madly, deeply.  With all that I was and all that I had, but it just wasn't enough.  A wedding dress and fine china will only remind me of that.  I think I need to leave those behind, as well.