the movers came and picked up all my stuff today. to take it to utah. all those shoes? well, they weighed over 3,000 pounds. the few things i decided to take to utah? amounted to 60 boxes. 60! i think my previous mode of moving is a far better way to do things. grab the dogs, grab a backpack, stuff backpack with essentials, jump in car, move. doesn't that sound much easier? i think it would have been easier on my head and heart. the weight of my stuff is, well, beginning to weigh on me.
you know, honestly, things are not so
good. they should be, right? but they're not. it hit me today when
everything was put on that truck. i'm moving to utah.
i know this is a beautiful opportunity. that my life could be much worse. believe me, i know this.
but i am still very sad. i have lived in santa cruz for twenty years. this city may be making it very difficult for me to stay and the whole dog issue may be making me batty, but the people of this city are my people. i have a huge and loving and supportive community here. and i am very sad and, yes, angry, that my life's circumstances found me in a place where i truly had to choose to leave.
i know i made the choice. i could have fought harder i know to actually stay here. made even bigger compromises. chosen to live in the moldy cottage, for example. but the thing is, i am most angry that i chose to love someone who chose to break his promises to me and now here i am having to choose to leave the very community i have so lovingly supported and created for myself.
that is what makes me sad and angry.
i'm going to utah. where i know no one. and yes, of course, i will meet people. i always meet people. i will create a new community. of course, i will.
but the thing that bothers me is that i am going through a huge emotional upheaval (and i know i seem strong and together and marching head high, but trust me, i'm still fragile on the inside!!) right now and i'd like nothing more than to stay right here. with my people. who already know me and love me and don't care if i sit on the sidewalk and sob.
because sometimes i just need to sit on the sidewalk and sob.
so yeah. not so good. but i will be better. today was just not the best of days in the land of nakedjen.
i know this is a beautiful opportunity. that my life could be much worse. believe me, i know this.
but i am still very sad. i have lived in santa cruz for twenty years. this city may be making it very difficult for me to stay and the whole dog issue may be making me batty, but the people of this city are my people. i have a huge and loving and supportive community here. and i am very sad and, yes, angry, that my life's circumstances found me in a place where i truly had to choose to leave.
i know i made the choice. i could have fought harder i know to actually stay here. made even bigger compromises. chosen to live in the moldy cottage, for example. but the thing is, i am most angry that i chose to love someone who chose to break his promises to me and now here i am having to choose to leave the very community i have so lovingly supported and created for myself.
that is what makes me sad and angry.
i'm going to utah. where i know no one. and yes, of course, i will meet people. i always meet people. i will create a new community. of course, i will.
but the thing that bothers me is that i am going through a huge emotional upheaval (and i know i seem strong and together and marching head high, but trust me, i'm still fragile on the inside!!) right now and i'd like nothing more than to stay right here. with my people. who already know me and love me and don't care if i sit on the sidewalk and sob.
because sometimes i just need to sit on the sidewalk and sob.
so yeah. not so good. but i will be better. today was just not the best of days in the land of nakedjen.
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