The following is excerpted from an email I sent to a dear friend this evening. I decided it should be shared with all of you, too.
My body is also telling me things that my head doesn't want to know. Back in the late 90's in the dot com boom I was a global marketing director for an international software company. And I was, admittedly, a workaholic. I worked insane hours. And was always on a plane. And in a different time zone often 3 or 4 times a week. I logged over 1 million frequent flyer miles in just 8 months. Really, insane.
So everyone I was working with in the company was like, "Wow, you're just amazing. You get everything done, you're always ahead of the game, you never sleep!" And honestly, this was true. But at the same time, at night in my hotel room, I'd have these attacks where I was sure that I was going to die. My chest would become completely constricted. I'd feel like my bra was too tight and I couldn't breathe. That my heart was definitely giving out and I was going to have a heart attack at any moment or a stroke. And then I'd rip my clothes off and be covered in huge welts and hives. Everywhere.
And since Monday of this week? When I realized this is truly my LAST week in Santa Cruz? I've had all of this happening again. I can't breathe. My bra that I'm not even wearing, because I don't wear bras anymore and haven't since I left the corporate world, is way too tight and I feel like my heart is going to stop working at any moment. And I'm covered in huge welts and hives.
Back in the late 90's, when this was happening, I kept going to the doctor. And she was giving me various antihistamines for the hives. And checking my blood pressure and finding everything normal and not even worrying about the breathing thing. Never once did she say, "Oh dear, you're completely stressed out!" Never once.
However, once I quit the corporate world in 2000? I never ever had another attack like that again. Until now. Now I am. And I have to just face it that while my head is saying, "I'm going to Utah and it's all going to be fine..." my body and heart are saying, "I'm leaving Santa Cruz and I don't want to go!"
The idea of leaving is literally making me break out in hives. Who would have imagined? Certainly not I. But it makes me really sad, truthfully. You know, I think I'm going to just copy and paste this part of my email right into my blog. I want the blogosphere to know that while I have said I am "done" with Santa Cruz, I am obviously not. My heart does not want to go. It really does belong here in this city by the sea. This town? This town is my real home.
