And Lead Me Not Into Temptation

I think this is pretty self-explanatory.  Some things, like a marriage, are hard to undo.  Or absolve.  Or give up.  Or...well...you tell me. 

11:16 PM me: my teeth are chattering

 i forgot to eat dinner

 although i probably would have thrown up

 because i've been throwing up since yesterday

 David: hi

11:17 PM you've been throwing up because of our IM?

 me: yes

 i've been trying to process it

 not very successfully

11:19 PM David: i'm sitting here thinking of all these different things, and not sure which to say, if any. I'm not even sure if I should be thinking that you shouldnt be throwing up, because maybe that's just what you need to do. I don't know. I feel bad it's happening, though.

11:20 PM me: i think i'm purging toxins from our relationship

 today i was thinking that you don't even really "know" me

 and that made me very very sad

11:22 PM David: I think in some ways we both know each other very well, better than anyone. In other ways I think maybe we've both been projecting our needs on the other. But I think that's just what happens. It's how human beings navigate the world.

 me: hmmm.  maybe.

11:23 PM i don't know if i completely agree with that.

 David: do you think that you know me in ways that I don't know you?

 me: no, not necessarily.

11:24 PM i just feel like somehow we never really got past our "ideas" of each other

11:26 PM David: i think there's some truth to that. I remember many times when both of us found our ideas of the other challenged in ways that felt really scary.

 me: yes

 exactly

11:27 PM David: someone once said to me that there are 4 people in any relationship: you, the other person, your projection of who they are, and their projection of who you are. And over time the projections become closer and closer to the real person, but you can never know who the real person is unless you are them.

 me: but i feel like in some ways it was you wanting your idea of me more than actually knowing who i was really and perhaps some of the reverse and that makes me really sad.

11:28 PM that i never actually even stood a chance because you didn't ever really know ME

 that's an interesting analogy.  i think there's truth in that

11:32 PM David: I think I did start out wanting my idea of you a lot. We actually talked about that--how I built up expectations about how physical and sexual you were, for example, from stories you told me early on, and it took me a long time to understand that those were the pre-thearapy Jen. I also think you had a very strong vision of who I was, and honestly I didn't in many ways. I had never done any therapy before I met you. So for a lot of the early part of our relationship, I probably conformed pretty closely to your vision, until I started feeling that that wasn't who I was. That effort to break that pattern was a lot of what the "every 6-9 months" thing was.

 It's why I always would insist that I'm not "DearSweetDave".

11:33 PM But I wasn't conscious enough to understand that was what was happening.  I only knew that I wasn't happy.

11:34 PM me: i'm so sorry

 David: But the more that I got to know who you really were, the more I loved you for who you really were. It's just that for a life partner (and I'm not even sure I want a life partner) it wasn't a fit.

11:35 PM me: that makes me so sad

 David: But I felt like I actually was seeing you more clearly than in the beginning when things felt blissful, and really loved you more.

 me: because i can't be anyone other than who i really and truly am

 and i love you so much

11:36 PM David: no, I know that.  and for years, I was trying to "fix" you, and "fix" me.  How awful was that?  And you were doing the same.

11:37 PM It's hard to love someone and not be able to have them. There's a part of love that's very selfless, and another part that's very needed, and the two are very intertwined.

 needy

 I meant

11:38 PM the fact is that I really would never want you to be anyone other than who you are. I'm pretty sure I've said as much many times. I think you're an amazing person, and the stuff I put you through to try to make you conform to my needs was horrible.

11:39 PM But we both just really wanted to make it work.

 me: we did.

11:40 PM i'm sobbing again

 i'm not up for this

 i'm sorry

 i can't feel my fingers or my toes

 David: it's okay.  I understand.

 me: my teeth are chattering

 i had a seizure again last night

 i'm just a fucking mess

11:41 PM and i also had this realization last night

 that i could die here in this house

 and it would be days before anyone noticed

 and that made me really sad

 i could disappear and no one would notice

 for days

11:46 PM David: Geoff Laughton left Cornerstones. There was a big gathering to celebrate him, and all of these people said really heartfelt things about how he had contributed their lives. It was pretty amazing. And while we were sitting there, I thought of my own death, and wondered if anyone, other than family, would show up, much less feel like I had hand any sort of positive impact on them. I felt like if I died, maybe no one would show up, and then I felt kind of sad. I also thought of you, and the hundreds of people whose lives have been transformed by your blog and your teas and many other things. I thought they probably couldn't find a church big enough.

11:47 PM me: interesting.  but still, here i am.  alone.  and honestly, dave, there's no one who would notice

 at least for a few days

 because i don't talk or see anyone DAILY

 and for the record?

 i'd show up

11:48 PM David: yeah, well that's true for almost anyone who lives alone and works for themselves. But I hear the sadness behind your words. I get it, and I know it's scary. It's one of the fears I have about living by myself. Thank you for saying you'd show up.

 me: why did geoff laughton leave cornerstones?

11:49 PM and there is a lot of sadness

 i don't like being alone

 David: a combination of politics and turning 50 and wanting to do something else.

 me: oh

11:50 PM David: have you thought any more about getting a housemate?  That might help

 me: we'll see.  my house needs to be livable before i get a housemate

11:51 PM David: Yeah, I guess... Wondering... do you even want suggestions from me? Or just to be heard? I feel like sometimes my suggestions aren't really helpful.

11:52 PM me: I don't know what I want.  To be truthful and honest and answer you from my heart.

 David: yeah, me too.

11:53 PM I should go to bed.  I only got 6 hours of sleep last night.

 me: why???

 that's all i ever seem to get these days

 David: I'm sorry about the throwing up.   I really do hope that stops. and the seizures.

 me: the seizure was at least at night

 while i was on the couch with the dogs

 David: Just couldn't fall asleep easily, and then I woke up early because of some noise outside

 me: oh.

11:54 PM

12:03 AM me: i do want to apologize for being such a mess

 i want to be supportive of you

12:04 AM and not just be this blubbering mess every time i try to talk to you

 but my heart is just so sad

 broken, really.  it feels broken

 David: thank you for being conscious of that, and it's okay.  I want to be here for you if I can.

 me: like today i was at a store and there was all this valentines stuff

12:05 AM and i got so overwhelmed

 it was hard enough dealing with your birthday

 and solstice

 and we didn't even  really acknowledge valentines

 and yet...there i was getting emotional!

12:06 AM David: :) I understand.  Valentines day is hard.

 I'm probably going to just grab a book and ignore it.

 it's just a hallmark holliday anyway.

 ;)

 me: yes, that's what we both always said

 but still, i got myself into a mess today

12:07 AM over a stupid hallmark holiday

 and now i'm crying, of course.

 this should NOT be so hard

12:08 AM David: should and shouldn't is hard to deal with.  it is what it is.

 but maybe there's some way you can give yourself a breather. it seems like you start to heal and then the wound gets opened again.

12:09 AM I'm sure I'm not helping in that regard.

 I just am trying to be supportive

 me: what do you mean you're not helping in that regard?

 i was told it takes 3 - 5 years to truly heal from a divorce

12:10 AM and, well, it took me over 3 years to truly heal when greg and i ended our relationship

 David: with things like the IM yesterday, I didn't mean to open things up so much.

 I want to be truthful, though, as best I can

12:11 AM me: i think it is only fair that we be as truthful and honest as we both can be

 and that we're not serving ourselves or our relationship (whatever that is going to be) if we're not

 David: yes, I agree

 me: i think we have to take care of ourselves

 really

12:12 AM because we've both taken care of the other for a long time

 and that didn't work so well

12:13 AM David: I know the result feels like a total disaster to you right now. But there were many times when it did work well, and I'm grateful you were there.

12:14 AM me: i should try to go to bed

12:15 AM but i'm so cold

 David: yes, me too.

 me: maybe i'll take a shower

 David: me too :)

 that's a great idea

 me: you're cold/

 David: yes.  it was sunny here today, but I'm getting the sense that this house will never be warm, even in the middle of summer.

 me: oh

 how's hal??

12:16 AM is he warm enough?

 David: But I finally got Matt to bring me the space heater we loaned them.  So hopefully that will help.

 Hal is doing great.  I actually did some research and found out that we were keeping the tank a little on the warm side for him.

 He likes it about 70, and we were at about 76.

 me: oh.

12:17 AM i could use that space heater

 David: I guess he's doing great.  He's alive anyway.

 me: that's not a bad idea, actually

 for my bedroom

 at least

 David: yeah.

 me: i don't know

 i'm terrified to get my gas bill this month

 David: I think just having one room in the house whereyou can get warm makes all the difference

12:18 AM me: i keep the house at 60.  or less

 but i'm still scard

 scared

 because the heater is running ALL THE TIME

12:19 AM David: I think the landlord misrepresented the house quite a bit.  I really hope that she makes up for it somehow.

 me: i put that in my letter

 that there's no insulation

 and that with the heating bills

 my rent is far more than reasonable

12:20 AM so we'll see.

 David: okay.  well, go take a shower.  Maybe I'll do the same.

 me: okay.

12:21 AM that guy who wrote me yesterday

 David: I'll talk to you later.  I hope you have a good night's sleep

 me: he wrote more stuff today that was REALLY  mean

 it was horrible

 David: can you just filter him to trash automatically?

 me: i think i can figure that out

 i also can just hit delete

 before reading it

 but the damage is already done

12:22 AM David: the last thing you need right now is some asshole with a social problem giving you grief

 not that you ever need that...

 me: i get lots of mean email, but this was really AWFUL

 i know it is a risk i take

 David: well, just be glad you're not living with that in your head.  people like that don't go to hell, they live there already.

12:23 AM me: by being naked on the internet

 obviously, i'm aware of this

 so yeah, i know i invite it

 but some people are just really mean

 and as i say...

 mean people suck

12:24 AM David: I've never bought into that "she was wearing a short skirt, so she was asking to be raped" argument. Just because you're expressing yourself that way doesn't mean you're inviting anything of the sort. And yes, mean people suck.

 me: thank you for saying that.

 thank you for just, well, everything

12:25 AM David: you're welcome.  thank you too.

 we'll get through this.

 me: i hope so.

 i'm trying.  i really am.

 David: I know.

12:26 AM I think you can be easier on yourself.

 me: i'm not sure i can, dave.

 i'm me.

 David: :)

12:27 AM okay.  well I wish you well tonight.

 me: thanks.

 i'll talk to you soon

 David: sounds good

 me: bye.

 David: bye bye