nakedjen

Five for Gwendomama's Brownies

I've been tagged by Gwendomama.  With a promise of brownies.  Brownies that I know are more than worth the time it will take me to share five little things about myself that many of you may or may not already know.  Gwendomama knows the way to this Naked girl's heart.  She also knows that I will actually drive to Santa Cruz to collect the brownies because they.are.that.good. 

So here are five random things about me. 

1.  I recently discovered that Dave had placed a profile on Match.com looking for someone new.  I got very angry at this discovery.  But maybe not for the reasons you may think.  I was not angry that Dave was feeling lonely and looking for someone to keep him warm at night.  That really wasn't it at all, and I mean that in all honesty. 

What bothered me, truthfully, was that Dave did not have the courtesy or respect to tell me about it.  He decided that it was "better" for me to discover it on my own.  He actually said when I confronted him about it (because we all know that's exactly what I did and not in a very loving manner, at first, I will admit) that he was afraid I might "commit suicide" if he told me about it.  SUICIDE!  Goodness gracious! 

We talked a lot about it and I shared with him that I believed that he was allowing fear to rule his heart when it came to our relationship and that his fears were manifesting exactly what he feared the most.  I also shared with him that if he really did love me as he professed to do that sharing things from a place of real love would only result in more love between the two of us.  That our relationship isn't actually over.  That it is still ending.  That the real end and blossoming into what will be is still to come. 

I believe that we both came to a new and better understanding of each other that day. 

2.  I have decided not to pursue getting my Organic Medicinal Teas onto the shelves of Whole Foods myself.  Trust me, this disappoints me in a lot of ways.  But the rules for taking an organic tea to market have changed.  And in order for me to do it, I need a huge capital investment that I just do not have.  I really need an established beverage company to decide that they would like to sell and distribute Organic Medicinal teas that actually work.  And who knows?  Perhaps by putting that right here on this little blog someone who knows someone who knows someone will read it and say, "But wait, there's this company that wants to do exactly that..." and then, well, Dreamsweet will actually make it to the shelves of health food stores worldwide.  A girl can still hope.  Dreams can come true.

3.  I have been thinking about adoption.  I know that may completely shock many of you.  But I actually have really been contemplating it.  I have a huge heart.  And I actually did spend a large part of last Monday perusing adoption sites for kids that are older.  I don't want a baby.  I want kids.  I'm even open to taking two at once.  Yes, just like I adopted Buddha and Stella together.  I'm open to adopting siblings.  I don't know where this is coming from, to be honest. 

I have always loved kids.  I am NannyNakedJen.  But I have never, ever, until just recently, considered myself "mother" material.  And now?  Well, I think I'm probably too old to actually have children of my own.  But, as I said, I have a huge heart.  HUGE!  And why not share it with some very deserving kids who could certainly benefit from the love I have to share?  As my friend Wendee pointed out, at least I'd be able to show them where Finland is on a map.  (I said that to make her laugh!).

4.  I'm growing more and more concerned about our food supply.  I know that we're supposed to trust that the organic label on our food is enough to ensure that it is truly organic.  But with all the genetic cross pollination and superfoods that are being created, not to mention the amount of convenience foods that we're all consuming practically non-stop, I'm concerned that we're creating a society that will soon have forgotten how to actually eat WHOLE FOODS.  That our own bodies will not be able to actually absorb and process the very nutrients that we need.  But that because of our farming practices that our very food will be devoid of those nutrients that we so desperately need. 

I have nightmares about this, if you'd like to know the truth.  It's an odd obsession, I know.  I'm frightened about the way we all eat.  How easily we reject common sense in order to keep downing our fast food and soda pop.  We're going to kill ourselves with convenience.

5.  My sister NeverNakedBeth's Mormon relatives all think that I am a porn star because my name is Nakedjen.  They have never actually read this blog.  They can not comprehend why I have moved to Salt Lake City or why I am actually liking it and have not been run out of town.  They also are very curious how I am making a living. 

I don't think I'll tell them.  I think I'll just allow them to continue to believe I'm a porn star.  I mean for some of the Internet, especially those in Poland, I am!

Okay, I'm supposed to tag Five People to do this.  But I'm not.  I'm breaking the rules.  Instead, I'm tagging all of YOU.  If you're reading and you have a blog, go tell us five random things about yourself.  It's rather cathartic, actually.  And you may be able to get some Gwendomama brownies out of it.  You never know?!

Vote Now and Vote Often

Thanks to all of your help, my friend Sarah has made it to the FINAL ROUND.  So she needs your help, folks, just one more time.  I'm so proud of her.  She's really put herself out there and I know, if she's the one chosen for this awesome and amazing challenge, she's going to further inspire all of us.

Really. 

So please go vote for Sarah.  Send an email to: vote@evotri@com subject: sarah mckibben FINAL ROUND

Thank you!!

Starling Fitness

Even before I arrived in Salt Lake, I received a lovely email from Laura Moncur welcoming me to my new city.  She was a friend of a friend and she had heard that I was making the move and wanted to be sure that when I arrived I knew that I had at least one person who was ready to give me a hug.

Well, Laura did more than that, truthfully.  She came over bearing beautiful gifts!  A hat and fingerless gloves that she had crocheted herself (I have worn them nearly every single day) and two different moisturizers that I had no idea how very very very much my body would appreciate.  I also got a great Utah Geeks t-shirt (because, hey, now I'm in Utah!). 

She has honestly become a very dear friend to me here.  Especially when I find myself confused about the "culture" of Salt Lake.  It can be confusing sometimes to this girl from California.  Laura has lived here nearly her entire life and she's not Mormon, so she's able to give me a very down-to-earth explanation of things in ways that I can understand.  Not that being a Mormon would make that more difficult, but it is just that some of my questions are actually about the Mormon culture and there are many Mormons who are so indoctrinated that they just say, "Well, because, that's the way it is..." without truly even knowing why.  Isn't that the way it is with many organized religions?

This week, Laura and I met and went out for a delicious Indian meal.  She's also been quite wonderful about making sure I know where all the best restaurants are for vegetarian food.  Afterwards, she came over to my house and we had a little "Nakedjen" photo shoot.  How fun is that?  I finally have someone else besides me to take a picture for Naked Fridays! 

She even featured me on one of her own blogs, Starling Fitness.  I love what she wrote about me, because I do feel like she captured a lot of the heart of Nakedjen.  I have been writing this blog for over 4 years now, and hoping that with each Naked Photo, I am touching at least one person and helping them to love their own bodies just a little bit more.  It's really nice to have Laura in my life.  She makes being in Salt Lake just a little bit easier.

Vote for Sarah! She's Got The Real Mojo!!

My friend, Sarah, is truly an inspiration.  I have known Sarah for, gosh, I don't even know how long.  But I can tell you I have known her since she could not even run 25 feet without stopping and feeling like she just should GIVE UP NOW.

Now?  Now she runs marathons for breakfast.  No joke.  She was MY inspiration to run the Nike Marathon in October and she's a big reason I finished! 

She's now embraced Triathlons.  Which, truthfully, has me in even more awe.  She's got her eye on completing a half IronMan!  Goodness.

But I'll let her tell you all about that.  The important thing for you to know is that SARAH NEEDS OUR VOTES.  So please, I know my Nakedjen readers are very good at following instructions.  If you find Sarah as inspiring as I do (and I really believe that you will), please go and vote for her.  I think this opportunity that she's going for is absolutely something she deserves.  She's got REAL MOJO!

Ever since I saw the announcement for Evotri, I couldn't stop thinking about it. But it seemed like something so beyond me. Until I sat down and faced my fears. It wasn't a fear of throwing my 'swim cap' in the ring, so to speak. It was because I knew I'd be opening myself up to being judged. This sport is full of the most athletic people around. Seriously hard bodies and crazy competition. If you come from my background - it can be INCREDIBLY intimidating.

And that's why I decided to make my video. Because there must be people out there like me. Who are afraid to 'tri' because they don't think they can. Or because they think they aren't fit enough or fast enough. And I come down really hard on myself a lot of the time. People around me have to remind me to look at how far I've come. So I wanted to create something that would be a reminder.

You can see my video and read more by visiting my blog - pbj.typepad.com

Anyway, if can help me out (and pass it on to your friends) - it's super easy to vote.

Send an email to: vote@evotri.com with 'Sarah McKibben - Round 2' in the subject line. That's it!

Round two voting will continue until 11:59 PM PST Saturday, February 23, 2008. If you voted in round one, you may vote again at this time. The four videos of the featured seven that have received the most unique votes will advance to the next round.

And then (I know, could it drag out any longer?) there will be a final round after this one - on Sunday the 24th the top four videos will kick off the final round of voting, which will run from Monday, 2/24/08 to Friday, 2/29/08.

Care for a Cup of Tea?

IMPORTANT NOTICE:  IF YOU ORDERED TEA, PLEASE READ

Perhaps a better way for me to meet my neighbors here in Salt Lake City would be to offer them a cup of tea?  Or even a special personalized blend of herbs and flowers that are sure to put a bounce in their snow-trodden step? 

In the weeks before I moved here, I slowly let my Dreamsweet Organic Medicinal tea business grind to a very deliberate halt.  Those who were paying close attention know that I was less and less focused on that business and more and more focused on trying to dismantle my home, my relationship and the ten years of accumulated co-joined stuff.  Even though it was December, the height of the Holiday Season and I was going to miss out on all those sales, it just seemed more prudent to take care of me.  I will admit that I felt a great sadness in not being able to take care of my customers (because I really do love and cherish each and every one of them), but taking care of me and of Buddha and Stella had to take priority or there would be no me to provide any teas at all at a future date.

Now, I am pleased to say, Dreamsweet Organic Medicinals is back.  And we're ready to take your orders.  Large and small.  We're even ready to consider your wholesale orders (for those of you who've inquired) and are quite hopeful that the small blip in service that all of us experienced recently was just that, a blip, that will not be experienced any time again in the near or distant future.

Back to my neighbors here in Salt Lake.  I've learned, since I arrived in this city, that it is plagued with folks who are depressed.  I haven't learned this through observation, I will share, but by gathering anecdotal and research information.  The folks I have met, truly, all seem quite happy.  But perhaps that's because they're all taking their daily quota of anti-depressants?  I don't know for sure. 

But I can offer them some of my tea.  I have a few options.  And if they aren't sure if it is Humanitea that will work best or Levitea, why we should just have a Tea Party and find out, don't you think?  Because I certainly can make a special Salt Lake City tea just for those who live here.  One that also helps us breathe during the Inversion, like today.  Goodness knows, we all could use a tea like that!

How To Look Good Naked

Oh people.  I am so angry at Oprah right now that I could spit.  Seriously. 

Let me back up. 

Because Mercury is Retrograde ten city blocks in Salt Lake were without power today.  One of those city blocks was mine.  Yes, I'm blaming Mercury because it is Retrograde.  You can blame whomever you want including the Rocky Mountain Power Company.  I'm blaming Mercury.  Since I was without power and the folks at Rocky Mountain Power Company kept extending the time when the power would be returned to "indeterminable", I decided to evacuate my very cold house and head for my sister's very warm house in Lehi.

My sister and her family were supposed to be going to St. George for the holiday weekend, so my plan was to take both dogs and spend the night at her house and return to Salt Lake in the morning when perhaps the power would truly have been restored AND my house may have also returned to a livable and breathable temperature.  There are, truthfully, moments when my house is so damn cold that it hurts to breathe.  The dogs and I sit around and practice making smoke rings with our breath.  Like you all used to do when you were cool seventh graders and wanted people to think you were smoking cigarettes.  (Or, yeah, maybe you really WERE smoking cigarettes!) But in any case, the dogs and I do get a kick out of seeing who can make the biggest one or those funky co-joined ones that turn into figure eights.

So the dogs and I landed in Lehi around 3:45 today.  Only to be met by my sister, NeverNakedBeth who informed me that she and her husband were both too sick to make the weekend trip to St. George and she was retiring to bed that instant and I was welcome to stay with the dogs, but really, they weren't going anywhere  and she was worried I was going to get sick.

Now, last night Nakedmom had sent me an email telling me to watch Oprah today because it was about being Naked.  I do not watch Oprah as a general rule.  I don't really watch television, as a general rule, as you all know.  But Oprah and Naked did pique my interest.  I mean what was Oprah going to talk about?  Naked?!  And why hadn't she talked to me??

So at 4:00 p.m. today I found myself sitting on my sister's bed in her bedroom watching Oprah.  The topic of her show today was actually to highlight another show entirely that is on the Lifetime Television Network called How To Look Good Naked.  I just learned about this show this week, actually, as some other online friends had been chatting about it and how it had disturbed them that perfectly good looking women (to them) had such horrific body issues and if they thought themselves disgusting what must the general public think when looking at my friends (who are all truly beautiful women in their own right, but who do not fit the magazine stereotype shoved down our throats every day that I'm constantly railing against). 

So Oprah opens her show today by asking her audience with a show of hands how many of those sitting in the audience love their bodies naked.  About 1/10th of the audience raised their hands.  Oprah then asked these women to "Stand up because I want to get a better look at you!"  So the women all complied.  These were all lovely women.  Of course, I, Nakedjen, am going to say that because I really do think all of us are lovely!  I embrace all women, and men, as you know.  I think our bodies are all beautiful precisely because they are ours and ours alone and they're what make us unique and special. 

So Oprah, this is Oprah remember, the woman who is watched and worshiped by MILLIONS around the world, says, "You're really happy with yourself naked?"  And one of the women says, "Oh, yes.  Absolutely.  Every inch!  Front and back!"  And Oprah says, "Have you looked in the mirror lately?!" 

I was so angry I threw a pillow at the television and then I started screaming.  Yes, me.  Screaming.  I could not believe that Oprah, OPRAH, had just said such a thing.  I wanted to slap her.  I don't care if she thought it.  She should never had said it.  Even if she meant it in jest.  You do not perpetuate the "girl you have no right to love your body when it looks like that" mentality by asking a woman who clearly LOVES her body if she's looked in the mirror lately. 

What Oprah SHOULD have said is, "You go, girlfriend.  Right on!  I wish I could be that confident!"  Because obviously, Oprah is NOT that confident or she would have not belittled this woman on national, make that international, television.

I was already angry at Oprah over the way she handled the Autism/Vaccination link with Jenny McCarthy.  But this?  This hits so close to home I'm ready to stand Naked in front of the Harpo Studios in Chicago with a sign that says, "I love my body, Oprah, and I HAVE looked in the mirror lately, have you?"

Who wants to join me??  I'll make you your sign!

How To Meet Your Neighbors In Salt Lake City

We're having a very typical snowstorm here tonight.  Lots of blustery snow blowing in all directions.  After quite a few days in a row of temperatures that were above 40 degrees that actually caused my own body to start contemplating wearing t-shirts instead of polar fleece, this afternoon the thermostat PLUNGED back to the freezing mark and down came the snow.  The world around me almost instantly went from a beautiful technicolor glory to stark white. 

When I moved here a few months ago I made a promise to a certain someone that I would do a very Nakedjen photo sporting my new pink umbrella and nothing else in a classic Salt Lake City snowstorm.  I have yet to deliver on this promise.  Today, as I mentioned, we're having just such a snowstorm.  So, me being me, I thought, well, I should take this opportunity to take that very Nakedjen photo!

Only problem is I am currently residing alone here in Salt Lake City.  NeverNakedBeth, whom so generously took the photos the other day, lives in Lehi which is about 30 minutes south.  She also teaches school.  Which meant I couldn't really just call her on the phone and say, "Hey, NeverNakedBeth, I MUST take a naked photo today.  Please drive here after school, in the blizzard, and help your sister out!"  Not.going.to.happen.

There's always Buddha and Stella, of course, but there's that pesky problem of opposable thumbs.  They don't have them.  And Stella, try as she might, has not quite learned how to focus the camera properly either.  For some reason every picture she takes is always of a tennis ball.  Even when I'm standing RIGHT THERE NAKED AND SMILING, the picture she takes?  A beautiful tennis ball.  I don't know what that dog is thinking!  We can forget asking Buddha.  Let's all remember that Buddha rides the short bus and is lucky if he remembers that we're even taking a photograph. 

I am a resourceful girl, though, as we all know.  And far be it from me to let my readers down.  When faced with the perfect snow storm and thus the perfect opportunity for a Pink Umbrella photo, well, what else do you do but ask your neighbors?  The very ones whom live next door.  The very ones whom you have not met yet because they only moved in last weekend! 

Of course that's what you do!

But first I had to get naked.  Which I did.  I will admit that I started, already, to rethink this whole idea because my house is as cold as an icebox (there's no need for a freezer in this house...ice cream literally does not melt when it is left for days on the counter) and the mere act of stripping here in my house made me feel as if my boobs were going to fall off! 

After getting naked, I found the pink umbrella.  Armed with that, my camera and wearing my crocs (because they're easy to slip off!) I marched next door to the neighbors house.  Yes, marched.  When one is naked and walking next door, one must walk with absolute authority.  Trust me on this one. 

Their porch light was on which I felt was a very good sign.  I knocked.  I shivered.  I waited.  Their dogs barked and barked.  I knocked again.  I shivered some more.  My teeth started chattering.  I heard movement inside.  I then believe that I saw someone peek from behind a curtain.  But I may, just may, have been mistaken.  I waited a bit longer.

I knocked one more time.  The dogs barked.  I am sure I heard someone say SHHHHH!  But no one, I repeat no one, answered the door.  So, dejected, I marched (because, again, when you're naked you must walk with authority!) back to my house and hurried inside where I immediately wrapped myself in a blanket and stood over the heating vent trying to bring life back to my girly bits!

Gah.  I really believe they were home.  But I think perhaps having a Naked woman knock on their door was perhaps a bit too much?!  Maybe?!! 

I mean really now.  If you were at home, wouldn't you have at least wanted to see what I wanted?  I hope that you would have. 

P.S.  If you're reading this and you live in SLC and you'd be willing to take the photo before it stops snowing (or the next time we have a snow storm, please let me know.  I really do want to take one!).

And Lead Me Not Into Temptation

I think this is pretty self-explanatory.  Some things, like a marriage, are hard to undo.  Or absolve.  Or give up.  Or...well...you tell me. 

11:16 PM me: my teeth are chattering

 i forgot to eat dinner

 although i probably would have thrown up

 because i've been throwing up since yesterday

 David: hi

11:17 PM you've been throwing up because of our IM?

 me: yes

 i've been trying to process it

 not very successfully

11:19 PM David: i'm sitting here thinking of all these different things, and not sure which to say, if any. I'm not even sure if I should be thinking that you shouldnt be throwing up, because maybe that's just what you need to do. I don't know. I feel bad it's happening, though.

11:20 PM me: i think i'm purging toxins from our relationship

 today i was thinking that you don't even really "know" me

 and that made me very very sad

11:22 PM David: I think in some ways we both know each other very well, better than anyone. In other ways I think maybe we've both been projecting our needs on the other. But I think that's just what happens. It's how human beings navigate the world.

 me: hmmm.  maybe.

11:23 PM i don't know if i completely agree with that.

 David: do you think that you know me in ways that I don't know you?

 me: no, not necessarily.

11:24 PM i just feel like somehow we never really got past our "ideas" of each other

11:26 PM David: i think there's some truth to that. I remember many times when both of us found our ideas of the other challenged in ways that felt really scary.

 me: yes

 exactly

11:27 PM David: someone once said to me that there are 4 people in any relationship: you, the other person, your projection of who they are, and their projection of who you are. And over time the projections become closer and closer to the real person, but you can never know who the real person is unless you are them.

 me: but i feel like in some ways it was you wanting your idea of me more than actually knowing who i was really and perhaps some of the reverse and that makes me really sad.

11:28 PM that i never actually even stood a chance because you didn't ever really know ME

 that's an interesting analogy.  i think there's truth in that

11:32 PM David: I think I did start out wanting my idea of you a lot. We actually talked about that--how I built up expectations about how physical and sexual you were, for example, from stories you told me early on, and it took me a long time to understand that those were the pre-thearapy Jen. I also think you had a very strong vision of who I was, and honestly I didn't in many ways. I had never done any therapy before I met you. So for a lot of the early part of our relationship, I probably conformed pretty closely to your vision, until I started feeling that that wasn't who I was. That effort to break that pattern was a lot of what the "every 6-9 months" thing was.

 It's why I always would insist that I'm not "DearSweetDave".

11:33 PM But I wasn't conscious enough to understand that was what was happening.  I only knew that I wasn't happy.

11:34 PM me: i'm so sorry

 David: But the more that I got to know who you really were, the more I loved you for who you really were. It's just that for a life partner (and I'm not even sure I want a life partner) it wasn't a fit.

11:35 PM me: that makes me so sad

 David: But I felt like I actually was seeing you more clearly than in the beginning when things felt blissful, and really loved you more.

 me: because i can't be anyone other than who i really and truly am

 and i love you so much

11:36 PM David: no, I know that.  and for years, I was trying to "fix" you, and "fix" me.  How awful was that?  And you were doing the same.

11:37 PM It's hard to love someone and not be able to have them. There's a part of love that's very selfless, and another part that's very needed, and the two are very intertwined.

 needy

 I meant

11:38 PM the fact is that I really would never want you to be anyone other than who you are. I'm pretty sure I've said as much many times. I think you're an amazing person, and the stuff I put you through to try to make you conform to my needs was horrible.

11:39 PM But we both just really wanted to make it work.

 me: we did.

11:40 PM i'm sobbing again

 i'm not up for this

 i'm sorry

 i can't feel my fingers or my toes

 David: it's okay.  I understand.

 me: my teeth are chattering

 i had a seizure again last night

 i'm just a fucking mess

11:41 PM and i also had this realization last night

 that i could die here in this house

 and it would be days before anyone noticed

 and that made me really sad

 i could disappear and no one would notice

 for days

11:46 PM David: Geoff Laughton left Cornerstones. There was a big gathering to celebrate him, and all of these people said really heartfelt things about how he had contributed their lives. It was pretty amazing. And while we were sitting there, I thought of my own death, and wondered if anyone, other than family, would show up, much less feel like I had hand any sort of positive impact on them. I felt like if I died, maybe no one would show up, and then I felt kind of sad. I also thought of you, and the hundreds of people whose lives have been transformed by your blog and your teas and many other things. I thought they probably couldn't find a church big enough.

11:47 PM me: interesting.  but still, here i am.  alone.  and honestly, dave, there's no one who would notice

 at least for a few days

 because i don't talk or see anyone DAILY

 and for the record?

 i'd show up

11:48 PM David: yeah, well that's true for almost anyone who lives alone and works for themselves. But I hear the sadness behind your words. I get it, and I know it's scary. It's one of the fears I have about living by myself. Thank you for saying you'd show up.

 me: why did geoff laughton leave cornerstones?

11:49 PM and there is a lot of sadness

 i don't like being alone

 David: a combination of politics and turning 50 and wanting to do something else.

 me: oh

11:50 PM David: have you thought any more about getting a housemate?  That might help

 me: we'll see.  my house needs to be livable before i get a housemate

11:51 PM David: Yeah, I guess... Wondering... do you even want suggestions from me? Or just to be heard? I feel like sometimes my suggestions aren't really helpful.

11:52 PM me: I don't know what I want.  To be truthful and honest and answer you from my heart.

 David: yeah, me too.

11:53 PM I should go to bed.  I only got 6 hours of sleep last night.

 me: why???

 that's all i ever seem to get these days

 David: I'm sorry about the throwing up.   I really do hope that stops. and the seizures.

 me: the seizure was at least at night

 while i was on the couch with the dogs

 David: Just couldn't fall asleep easily, and then I woke up early because of some noise outside

 me: oh.

11:54 PM

12:03 AM me: i do want to apologize for being such a mess

 i want to be supportive of you

12:04 AM and not just be this blubbering mess every time i try to talk to you

 but my heart is just so sad

 broken, really.  it feels broken

 David: thank you for being conscious of that, and it's okay.  I want to be here for you if I can.

 me: like today i was at a store and there was all this valentines stuff

12:05 AM and i got so overwhelmed

 it was hard enough dealing with your birthday

 and solstice

 and we didn't even  really acknowledge valentines

 and yet...there i was getting emotional!

12:06 AM David: :) I understand.  Valentines day is hard.

 I'm probably going to just grab a book and ignore it.

 it's just a hallmark holliday anyway.

 ;)

 me: yes, that's what we both always said

 but still, i got myself into a mess today

12:07 AM over a stupid hallmark holiday

 and now i'm crying, of course.

 this should NOT be so hard

12:08 AM David: should and shouldn't is hard to deal with.  it is what it is.

 but maybe there's some way you can give yourself a breather. it seems like you start to heal and then the wound gets opened again.

12:09 AM I'm sure I'm not helping in that regard.

 I just am trying to be supportive

 me: what do you mean you're not helping in that regard?

 i was told it takes 3 - 5 years to truly heal from a divorce

12:10 AM and, well, it took me over 3 years to truly heal when greg and i ended our relationship

 David: with things like the IM yesterday, I didn't mean to open things up so much.

 I want to be truthful, though, as best I can

12:11 AM me: i think it is only fair that we be as truthful and honest as we both can be

 and that we're not serving ourselves or our relationship (whatever that is going to be) if we're not

 David: yes, I agree

 me: i think we have to take care of ourselves

 really

12:12 AM because we've both taken care of the other for a long time

 and that didn't work so well

12:13 AM David: I know the result feels like a total disaster to you right now. But there were many times when it did work well, and I'm grateful you were there.

12:14 AM me: i should try to go to bed

12:15 AM but i'm so cold

 David: yes, me too.

 me: maybe i'll take a shower

 David: me too :)

 that's a great idea

 me: you're cold/

 David: yes.  it was sunny here today, but I'm getting the sense that this house will never be warm, even in the middle of summer.

 me: oh

 how's hal??

12:16 AM is he warm enough?

 David: But I finally got Matt to bring me the space heater we loaned them.  So hopefully that will help.

 Hal is doing great.  I actually did some research and found out that we were keeping the tank a little on the warm side for him.

 He likes it about 70, and we were at about 76.

 me: oh.

12:17 AM i could use that space heater

 David: I guess he's doing great.  He's alive anyway.

 me: that's not a bad idea, actually

 for my bedroom

 at least

 David: yeah.

 me: i don't know

 i'm terrified to get my gas bill this month

 David: I think just having one room in the house whereyou can get warm makes all the difference

12:18 AM me: i keep the house at 60.  or less

 but i'm still scard

 scared

 because the heater is running ALL THE TIME

12:19 AM David: I think the landlord misrepresented the house quite a bit.  I really hope that she makes up for it somehow.

 me: i put that in my letter

 that there's no insulation

 and that with the heating bills

 my rent is far more than reasonable

12:20 AM so we'll see.

 David: okay.  well, go take a shower.  Maybe I'll do the same.

 me: okay.

12:21 AM that guy who wrote me yesterday

 David: I'll talk to you later.  I hope you have a good night's sleep

 me: he wrote more stuff today that was REALLY  mean

 it was horrible

 David: can you just filter him to trash automatically?

 me: i think i can figure that out

 i also can just hit delete

 before reading it

 but the damage is already done

12:22 AM David: the last thing you need right now is some asshole with a social problem giving you grief

 not that you ever need that...

 me: i get lots of mean email, but this was really AWFUL

 i know it is a risk i take

 David: well, just be glad you're not living with that in your head.  people like that don't go to hell, they live there already.

12:23 AM me: by being naked on the internet

 obviously, i'm aware of this

 so yeah, i know i invite it

 but some people are just really mean

 and as i say...

 mean people suck

12:24 AM David: I've never bought into that "she was wearing a short skirt, so she was asking to be raped" argument. Just because you're expressing yourself that way doesn't mean you're inviting anything of the sort. And yes, mean people suck.

 me: thank you for saying that.

 thank you for just, well, everything

12:25 AM David: you're welcome.  thank you too.

 we'll get through this.

 me: i hope so.

 i'm trying.  i really am.

 David: I know.

12:26 AM I think you can be easier on yourself.

 me: i'm not sure i can, dave.

 i'm me.

 David: :)

12:27 AM okay.  well I wish you well tonight.

 me: thanks.

 i'll talk to you soon

 David: sounds good

 me: bye.

 David: bye bye

Enjoying the Naked Beauty of Utah, Finally!

Absolutely true conversation:

NeverNakedBeth:  Jennifer, it's been on my mind.  You've been in Utah for a few months now and you haven't taken a really good naked picture yet for your blog.  We should do that today.

Nakedjen:  Really?  It's been on your mind?  You've actually been thinking about it?

NeverNakedBeth:  Yes!  I mean your fans must be wondering if you're ever going to get naked in Utah?!

Nakedjen:  I can't believe you, the Mormon sister, are the one whose worried about me getting naked in Utah?!

NeverNakedBeth:  Look, I know it's important to you.  We should take a picture today.  With these mountains as the backdrop.

Nakedjen:  All I've got is my cellphone.

NeverNakedBeth:  Well, can you still upload those pictures?  We can make that work for now, right?  And then next time I see you, we'll make a better plan.  Right??

Nakedjen:  God, I love you.  Thank you!!

NeverNakedBeth:  Well, I still think you're crazy.  But I know it's important!!

Nakedjen:  I just love that even though you think I'm crazy, you'll take the photos, bring a blanket to make sure I don't freeze AND not deliver me to the loony bin after we take the shot.

NeverNakedBeth:  I grew up with you as my big sister.  You'd have to do far more than get naked in Utah for me to deliver you to the loony bin!

And with that I give you these.  Taken by NeverNakedBeth.  With my cellphone.  I promise we'll get better ones.  Soon!

And yes, it was REALLY cold!

A Momentary Lapse Of Reason

I had a momentary lapse of reason earlier today.  It was not a very "Nakedjen" way to behave and in retrospect, I have decided to remove the post all together.  A very kind friend of mine reminded me that I am not an executioner.  I do not believe in the death penalty.  And I also realized, upon reading my own words, that I was reacting, not acting, from a place of hurt and anger.  It wasn't pretty.  It rarely is when you act from that place.

I try to act from a place of love.  With that in mind, I will share this article with you that is currently running on Salon.

We all know that I have spent enough to purchase a small country, if certainly not a home and multiple cars, on the care and feeding of my dogs.  It was a point of contention at times in my relationship with my former husband.  I am a dog person, as we all know.  I'll even push that and say I am an animal person.  Because when Sandpiper, my horse, was in my care, she never wanted for anything either.  She always received the absolute best care possible. 

I will also share that there was a time in my life when my dog Clyde had health insurance and I did not.  It was more important to me that he have proper health care than it was that I did.  I managed with the Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinic (although I almost died at their hands and should really share that story!), but there were no free clinics for dogs.  So Clyde had health insurance.  Health insurance that cost me more than $350 a year.

Insane?  Probably.  But during that time Clyde broke his leg and severely cut a major artery that resulted in two very expensive and extensive surgeries.  I would not have been able to afford either if it had not been for his health insurance.  And it would have surely resulted in an early death for Clyde.

Clyde, as we all know, lived to be 17 years old.  He was a very important part of my life.   I have absolutely no regrets spending the thousands and thousands of dollars that I did to ensure that he had a life that was very well lived.

I will do the same, absolutely, for Buddha and Stella.  And any other animals whom I am lucky enough to share my life.

I am an animal person.  I just am.