I know that this whole divorce process is really like riding a rollercoaster that you wish would just fucking stop, please, so that you can get off. Now. Or at least, I will share, that for me, that is exactly what it feels like. And I will also share that this rollercoaster that I'm riding? This DIVORCEROLLERCOASTER2008? It puts all those rollercoasters at theme parks across America and the rest of the world to shame. It's got death defying highs and drops that leave your heart outside of your body (not just in your throat, but definitely outside of your body) as well as twists and turns so corkscrew like that they leave me not knowing which way is up, which way is down or even what my own name is and if I'm actually still standing on this planet.
Of course, I'm not really standing on this planet. Truthfully, I haven't been since that fateful day in October when Dave woke up and said to me, "I'm done." God it still seers my heart to even write those words. I laugh about it in conversations I have with others. I put on a really good show. I act like all of this is such a laughable joke. I say things like, "My husband dumped me!" or "My husband left me! Me! Can you believe it?" or I even say, "He just woke up and said, 'I'm done' and that was that. I didn't really get to participate in the conversation. So here I am. In Salt Lake City."
I'm riding a very nasty and scary and terrifying rollercoaster. It's a rollercoaster whose destination is the dissolution and destruction of all the dreams I once held for my marriage with Dave and ends with me single, alone, solitary in this world.
I know, I know, I'm not completely alone. I have a multitude of friends. I have Buddha and Stella. But let's face it. I have no life partner anymore. And while I am the first to admit that a life partner wasn't even in my plans for myself ten years ago, I allowed myself to get very used to the idea. To embrace it. To work very hard at my marriage. To commit daily to loving Dave above all else, to sharing all that I was with him and allowing myself to dream of a future that included him in each picture.
The DIVORCEROLLERCOASTER2008 is making sure those pictures and those dreams and that future will never happen. Every time I vomit, I realize I'm purging ever deeper the reality that can not be. Every twist, every turn, every drop, every time my heart leaves my body, I know I'm letting it all go.
But what, pray tell, is going to take its place? What ride am I going to get on next? Please, please, don't let it be the spinning teacups. That's all I ask.
