so, i know this will come as a shock to some of you, but i actually had a very civil and loving conversation with david today. you know, seriously, there is still so much love there between the two of us.
and i'm honestly at a point where i'm not hurting so very much anymore so it is easier for me to not be triggered by him but to just talk to him. as long as his head seems to be in a good space. and, truthfully, mine as well.
today we were both in good places. at least it felt that way. and we were able to sort out a lot of stuff that has been bothering both of us. and reach very concrete agreements about a lot of things that have been just floating about in the wind for far too long.
and yes we did it without big fat mean divorce lawyers.
i honestly don't know if i'll need a big fat mean divorce lawyer. i know that sounds naive, probably. maybe even stupid. it's still possible that i will. but i just want to get this whole thing done.
and done as amicably as possible, honestly.
the truth is, i love david. i always will. do i love what happened to our marriage? no. but i also know, deep down, that i am equally responsible for it. it takes two people to make a marriage. i know that david really does love me. and that he actually loved me enough to walk away from our marriage before he did any more damage to either one of us.
and i have to love him for that, too. yes, it almost killed me in the process. because i wasn't at the same place mentally that he was when he chose to leave. but now? now i realize that we just were not meant to be married. we're great friends. but as marriage partners, we just do not work.
i could be all egotistical and say it is because he's just not cut out to be mr. nakedjen. and there is a modicum of truth to that statement. but in all truthfulness, i'm not cut out to mrs. david sals. i never was! let's remember i remained jennifer neal even after we were married.
and there in, i believe, is the answer to this conundrum.
i am nakedjen. and perhaps i am not meant to be anyone's wife. ever. i can love truly, madly, deeply. i really can. loving david taught me that above all else. but i am so fiercely independent. i actually am quite happy on my own.
but then again i'm quite happy with the attention of the architect, as well.
so who the fuck knows?
it just was nice to be able to talk to david today about so many very important things and not throw up. or even feel like throwing up. and to actually LAUGH with him.
i do miss him. not enough to move back to santa cruz and go to saturn for dinner. but i do miss him.
