Nakedjen: I'm having difficulty getting onto the Internet.
Qwest Technical Representative: Are you on the Internet?
Nakedjen: If I was on the Internet, do you think I'd be calling you to say I was having difficulty getting onto the Internet?
Qwest Technical Representative: Have you entered your username and password?
Nakedjen: Yes. Of course.
QTR: What did you enter?
Nakedjen: jen8677@qwest.net and twqYNxKz
QTR: And how did you spell qwest?
Nakedjen: You're joking, right? Qwest
QTR: Please exit out of the program.
Nakedjen: Okay. I've done this a lot already today.
QTR: Do what I say. Please.
Nakedjen: Look, please don't get snippy with me. I've been without DSL or Internet access for 4 days. I work from home. I would just like this to work.
QTR: Exit the program.
Nakedjen: I did. Now what?
QTR: Please go to the Start button and choose the My Computer Icon.
Nakedjen: That's not going to work. I'm on a Mac.
QTR: Well, that's the problem. You were stupid to buy an Apple.
Nakedjen: Sir, I don't think the issue is with the computer. I think the issue is with the DSL modem.
QTR: It's the Apple. It's always the Apple. Call Apple. Get them to help you.
Nakedjen: Until Tuesday, everything worked perfectly.
QTR: Right. Then your Apple screwed it all up. Safari needs to be replaced with a browser that actually works.
Nakedjen: I am using Firefox. Also, when I ping the Modem there are no issues.
QTR: It's the browser. It's the computer. Call Apple. I can not help you.
Nakedjen: Sir. This is YOUR modem. I am paying Qwest for DSL service. Why should I call Apple?
QTR: Do you have any other computers in your house?
Nakedjen: No. Just this one.
QTR: You've screwed yourself. Go buy a PC and then call us back. I can not help you further. Goodbye.
I wish I was making that up.
Obviously, though, I got the modem to work. No thanks to the folks who work in technical service at Qwest.
Here's what I did.
I am a very electrical person. I know this. The whole reason I have a Mac instead of a PC is because I make PC's implode just by standing near them. This has been proven over and over again much to the dismay of many of my former employers. For some reason, Macs are better able to handle my electrical force field.
However, I also know that I can and do sometimes create havoc with new technology. Especially wireless technology. So while the technical representative from Qwest kept insisting that it was my fault for purchasing an Apple and that it was just not going to work, I figured that everything just needed a little walk around the neighborhood.
Yes, like a dog.
I shut down my trusty Apple (which, by the way, just came back from the Apple store with $900 in new parts...because...well...Mercury went retrograde and things got a little wonky...at least that's what I think happened....) and took the battery out. And I unplugged the new modem and removed all the wires and I took the battery and the modem for a walk. Around the block. So they could have some fresh air. And forget about NOT WORKING and instead think long and hard about working. For me. Because I really do need them to actually work or I'm not going to actually get any work done while I sit here in my very hot house (oh, don't get me started about how hot it is in Utah...EXTREME WEATHER STATE) and not getting any work done will mean I can not pay my rent and then Buddha and Stella and I will have to pitch a tent at Memory Grove or something and boy will that be awkward because I don't think the architect is going to let us move in with him as our relationship just isn't quite like that if you know what I mean and anyway I took the battery and the modem for a walk around the block.
When we returned I put the battery back in the laptop. I plugged all the necessary wires and what nots into the modem. And then I said a little prayer to the goddess. Because, as I said, I really needed all of this to work. And I wasn't about to call those folks at Qwest back again and give them the satisfaction of telling me that I suck because I bought an Apple.
Once the prayers were said to every deity I could possibly conjure, I plugged the ethernet cable into the laptop. And guess what? All those lights on the modem? All the ones that flickered and sputtered and spat at me and refused to turn green?
They turned solid green like I had hit the jackpot in Vegas!
Not only that but that pesky web page that had refused to load and had caused my grouchy Qwest Technical Representative to insist that my browser was BROKEN loaded right away. I entered my username, my password and then with a chorus of angels singing was connected to the Internet.
Where I am still connected. Because Mr. Qwest Technical Representative, I obviously do not suck and my Apple actually rocks. So there.
The next time you find yourself needing technical support from Qwest, take my advice. Take the battery for a walk around the block instead. It's far more helpful and far less disparaging.
