We'll begin our story this evening with two sisters celebrating the birth of one by sharing a lunch at a downtown mall in Salt Lake City. Perhaps because one of those sisters happens to be Mormon and perhaps because we're actually in the Holy Land, the weather is actually cooperating today. So much so that the birthday girl elects to eat outside on the patio. The other sister, who has recently relocated to this hot desert locale from cool and comfortable and chic California marvels that it is actually possible to sit on the patio in the middle of the day and not melt. And doing so she contemplates ordering a pomegranate margarita. Because doesn't that just sound like something refreshing? And decadent? And something you should absolutely do when you're sitting on a patio in the middle of the desert in July?
Why yes, it absolutely does.
However, she skips ordering the margarita. The other Mormon sister who is celebrating her birthday doesn't drink, of course, and the other sister who is older even though she looks younger and is always asked if she is the youngest (probably because she acts like she is five most of the time) decides that she'll come back and drink on the patio another day. With people who actually DO drink.
Meanwhile, the NakedSister shares with the NeverNakedSister how nice it is to be celebrating her birthday with her and how far they both have come from those days when they committed such horrific and horrible crimes against one another and truly tried to kill one another. It's a wonder, really, that they both survived. Thank goddess for the Mormon Church and boarding schools. Otherwise, who knows what might have happened? It's really even better than that stuff they show on NBC these days, don't you think, asks the NakedSister? You know when they're trying to catch the predator or tell the murder mystery? The NeverNakedSister concurs and wonders just how much I'd ever tell if I ever did have my own television show?
The food arrives and the NeverNakedSister comments that the NakedSister can't possibly share hers because it has avocado on it. But oh how delicious it is, she remarks. So good.
And then just as the NakedSister is about to take another bite of her food, the NeverNakedSister notices that there is a big fat piece of avocado on her plate. Deadly avocado. For the NakedSister, that is.
The NeverNakedSister demands from the NakedSister to know if she KNEW she was eating avocado? The NakedSister says she was sure her entree didn't have avocado, it was NOT listed in the ingredients on the menu, but that her chest is getting quite tight and she wondered why she was having an anxiety attack and thought it might have been because they had been talking about the architect?!
The NeverNakedSister calls over the waiter. "Is there avocado in that dish?" He affirms that there is and then when he learns that the NakedSister is DEATHLY ALLERGIC to avocado tells her, "Well, you should have said something!" Like the NakedSister pronounces her food allergies and preferences before dining in all establishments. (Those of you whom have dined with the NakedSister can stop laughing now. She can hear you!).
The NeverNakedSister looks exasperatedly at the NakedSister and says, "Jennifer, it is always something with you. Every.single.day. Other people, once in a while. You, every day. You ARE like a television show. I don't know how you live your life?!?! It's supposed to be my birthday. Today is supposed to be ABOUT ME. But of course it is not. It's ALL ABOUT YOU!"
As if I purposely had ordered the dish with the avocado so I could die a painful death of suffocation at the feet of my NeverNakedSister on a patio in July in this Holy City. Without the aid of a margarita. On her birthday! I mean really?!
With my throat swelling, I swig as much water as possible (to try and dilute the avocado effect) and tell her that I promise I will suck it up and not ruin her birthday! She wants to know how she is supposed to tell if I am dying? I tell her that if I suddenly collapse that might be a good indication and to please call 911. She wants to know what I've done for this in the past? I tell her I've always just gone directly to the ER.
We actually laugh at that point because she has no intention of spending her birthday at the ER. Absolutely none. So she tells me I need to keep breathing. Please. Just keep breathing.
Which is exactly what I did. I kept breathing and breathing and breathing still.
