“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.” - Neil Gaiman
Almost a year ago, as those of you who have been here that long know, David informed me that he was done. And our marriage ended. We also know that I really didn't get to participate in that decision. It was his decision. Not mine. He decided to end our marriage. I decided that it was certainly not worth trying to force him to stay in a marriage that clearly made him depressed and unhappy. So it ended.
It was then that I began quite an interesting journey. One that I didn't really plan to take. One that I never imagined was going to be on my life's path. First because I had never planned to get married at all. I married David because I did believe that love could last forever, because I did believe in forever times infinity (a phrase we shared together) and because, well, I thought he was my soul mate.
The months that have followed his pronouncement and the separation of not only the entwining of our physical lives but our hearts and souls, as well, have not been at all easy for me. I keep throwing up and banging my head. I keep waking in the middle of the night unsure of where I am and reaching for him and finding no one there. I keep wondering, some days aloud, if this is all some cruel joke?
I've talked with my own therapist about this for hours and hours and hours. Oh the hours! Oh the words! Oh the time I've spent talking. But my head and mouth (and even fingers) are really good at talking and articulating things. My heart, however, is not so good at actually taking it on and living it.
I have realized, slowly and surely, that I can not be friends with David because I do not know how to be his friend. I have never really been just his friend. From the very moment I met him, I became his lover. I have always been, at the very least, his girlfriend. More importantly, I have for a longer time than not, been his wife. It is the role I play best with him. It is the role I know best. It is what my heart still wants and longs to be, as stupid and crazy and silly as that sounds to the majority of all of you.
So, I am here to say, that today I am done. Really done. I am refusing to have any contact at all with David for at least 12 months. I am telling all of you this because I'm going to need support in this, I think. There are so many moments in each and every day when I think to myself, "Oh, I should share that with David. He'd really laugh about that..." or "Oh, I can't wait to tell David that. It will make him smile.." I want him so much to still be a part of my life, to still be my husband, and that is not doing either of us any good. But it is especially damaging to me, I think. Because it is not allowing me to be the best me I can truly be or allowing my own heart to heal and be open to the possibility of new love.
I will not be doing that anymore. For the next 12 months (maybe longer, who knows?) I am taking care of Jen. Period. I need to learn who I am without David in my life. At all. I was a fabulous person, I know, before he came along. I am still fabulous, actually. But I want to be even more fabulous. I want new and incredible love in my life.
I have no predictions, at this point, if I will ever be friends with David. I'm going to try not to project or think about it, actually. It won't serve me and it won't serve what will be.
I have lots of amazing projects to focus on. Lots of truly beautiful friends here in Salt Lake. I do, fortunately, have a beautiful and fulfilled life. For all of that, I am grateful. I am also grateful to still be here on this planet. The past year has been very difficult.
I am not alone in this journey. I know that.
I am just done.
