In my effort to further ensure that no one in this country taps me on the shoulder and says, "Hey, Nakedjen, we've run out of all possibilities for a Vice-Presidential candidate, so you're it. We're choosing you!" last night I think I came within inches of actually overdosing on drugs.
Before you go calling the authorities, or worse yet, Emily Gilmore, let me explain. It was a dark and stormy night and the floorboards were creaking....Oh, wait. That's a completely different story. Not this one.
It was a very stormy weekend. Well, very is subjective. We were not experiencing Hurricane Ike weather. Or the floods that plagued Chicago last week. So, um, well, not so stormy, I suppose. Unless you're the newly transplanted girl from Santa Cruz, California who rarely sees raindrops falling from the sky and hardly ever sees lightening and whose poor dogs have never heard thunder until they arrived here. Then, by everything that is holy and Mormon, we had a very stormy weekend! Well, okay, we had a very stormy Saturday.
Thunder and lightening and furious raindrops spitting from the sky.
With all of that, of course, the barometric pressure went haywire. So did my head. Absolutely haywire. It didn't help, of course, that I also was having what I've previously referred to as john cougar melon clots coming shooting out of my vayjayjay. Someone tell me that at some point in my life, perhaps even some time soon, john cougar and his melon clots are going to take up residence some where other than in my vayjayjay and not insist on throwing a rambunctious party that ruins a pair of my jeans every month?!
So last night, with the lower half of my body feeling a bit like john cougar had invited the creature from the black lagoon to his party and my brain starting to think that decapitation seriously might be the best and only humane way to take care of the tiny elves with their pick axes and crashing cymbals in my head, I went searching in the medicine cabinet for something that might ease the pain.
Of course all I had at my disposal was some good old Bayer aspirin.
However, PartyGirlStella has lots more drugs at her disposal. Turns out she's been hiding her stash from mama. I actually found a nearly full prescription bottle of Tramadol with Stella's name on it. The very same Tramadol that had caused me to pass out and do a face plant in the doctor's office. The very same Tramadol that provided an entire day of pain free sleep!
I crushed up one pill. I put a tiny bit of the crushed up dust on my pinky finger. Oh, yes, the pinky finger dust trick. I licked it off. I fell into bed. Those elves stopped with the pick axes. They put down their cymbals. And John Cougar and his Melon Clots decided to take the night off from the party they were having in my vayjayjay. It was the most beautiful night of sleep ever.
Until I woke up.
And realized that the elves hadn't really put down their pick axes at all. Oh no. They just became stealth elves. And carefully used those axes to pry my brain from skull. Completely. I have no idea what they actually did with it or where they took it, but I no longer had it when I awoke this morning. It had gone missing.
I've spent the entire day trying to find it. It's been a lost cause, really, because I've lacked the mental capacity necessary to even begin to find it. Instead, I've looked at all these financial numbers on all these financial spreadsheets that I'm supposed to understand better than others and have laughed rather maniacally because each time I tried to even remember what it was that I was supposed to be doing, I had a hard time figuring out exactly where I was.
It's like those days after you come down from LSD. Everything looks the same, but you know it's all put together just slightly askew. And you also know that you're capable of putting it all back together again the right way, but somehow it now seems completely frivolous to put the world right.
Actually, that's not far off now, is it? These times seem more and more uncertain. Is it too frivolous to perhaps wonder about the necessity to put the world right?
