Following is an email exchange that occurred this morning. The rest, I feel pretty sure, is self-explanatory.
so, despite
the vomit issues, i'm going to santa cruz. november 7. driving. taking the dogs with me.
staying with grace. thank goddess for grace. may also stay with chuck and lynda, too. basically, i'm going to go see MY PEOPLE and walk on the beach with
the dogs and hang with holly and go to a party at gwendomama's and get lots of the hugs i really need. and then i'll come home.
i do consider salt lake home. i really do. but i left a large part of me in santa cruz. and i feel like i need to "reclaim it" if that makes any sense at all? maybe pinky can relate? to how she feels about the bay area verses
this isn't misery, per se, as much as it is "missing". there's something missing here. and i have a strong feeling that i'm not going to find it in santa cruz, either. so santa cruz holds all my friends and all my memories. but i hold those, too. where ever i am. because where ever you go, there YOU are, you know?
still i'm glad that i'm going. i need to go. so that i can come back. and feel like Salt Lake is home.
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I'm glad
you are having a party for me on my birthday - I love that you are celebrating
me with your friends. :) Just kidding!
I love
that you are going. GOOD. You need to. Just breathe through
it all Jen. You can do it. Don't freak yourself out about it all,
just let the trip get to you and get there and breathe. Breathe in the
ocean air. Let yourself be cleansed. And please, please, realize
that Santa Cruz
I also
think, that at some point, you have to stop holding on to being bitter about
not having a choice about the end of your relationship with him. You
can't change it. It's in the past and it's done. Nothing you think,
or do, can change the current out come. You can only change how you move
forward and what you hold on to. It was shitty. He bailed. You
didn't. You can't change that. Maybe if you can figure out how to
let go of that you will be able to breathe a little deeper and not throw up.
I love you. You are stronger than you know. I am so happy
that you are going to SC. Woot!
i go through phases about the end of my relationship. some days i'm
grateful to dave for being brave enough to actually end it. other days,
i'm still bitter. because i still feel like it was a crappy way to do
it? does that make any sense at all? that he didn't allow me to
participate at all? all my attempts at conversation "about it" were
just met with STONE COLD SILENCE and a roboton answer of "i've made my
decision. live with it". it sucked. and when we talked
about it in june he told me that he had to be that way because he knew i am so
persuasive and powerful that if he let me talk at all, i'd convince him to
change his mind! gah. if he KNEW i could convince him to change his
mind, was he so convicted in the first place. THAT conversation haunts
me.
at this point it isn't like i want him back. i don't. and you're so
right. i can't change it. i try very hard to just let it go and
realize i will be better off even alone than with him. but it still
bothers me, on a cellular level, that i was not allowed to participate.
at all. that part just eats away at me. even when i try as hard as
i can to just release it!
marriage is about two. as you know. and is a commitment of two
people. to each other. and it just feels so rudimentary that those
TWO people would also make the decision together to end it.
he will be a BUG in his next life, wendee. and i will be a big fat doc
marten boot that will squash him. har!
i'll be sure to drink extra champagne punch on your birthday. just for
you!
xoxox,
jen
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wait a minute. i was just thinking when are you going to be in california? i will be driving right by your dad's house!
yes. totally selfish.
new house is amazing. i realize how much i was not loving myself by spending so very many months in that old house and that horrific living situation. life is much better now. the dogs are so much happier. they've STOPPED shedding. hello? that is a clear indication they were stressed out in that old house.
office isn't set up yet. it should be. it just isn't. i need to stop working this crazy ass job. stella is pissed about it. yesterday she ate two magazines. i came home to confetti all over the house. like she and buddha had their own private new year's eve party. she's just over this working all day every day business. she wants me at home. with her. her own personal play toy.
i want to be home with them, as well. but as soon as i finish up here, we're driving to california! and yes, i think they're happier here, actually. the off-leash parks are MUCH BETTER here. much, much, better. still, i know they'll be happy to go on a road trip. and to romp on the beach. as will their mama.
xoxox,
naked









