i'm a puddle of tears over here. first tears in a very long while. lots of sobbing today. i had to negotiate with david. i surprised myself with the tears as i was in the mediator's office yesterday without so much as a trembling lower lip. but today? puddle.on.the.floor.
the good news is that i think we have a final agreement. that is suitable to all parties. my heart is still breaking, believe it or not? i can not even really tell any of you why?!?!
perhaps because this is truly, absolutely, the end? i love(d) him. i married him. i promised to be his wife. and now? now it all says that husband gets this and wife gets this and neither will hold the other responsible for blah, blah, blah and it's all over and done.
done.
that word used to just be about cakes and cookies and home work assignments.
now?
now it's about my marriage. it will forever be a word that reminds me of my marriage.
done.
forever.
i realized over the past few days that i am just as toxic for david as he is for me. that somehow we have become quite toxic for each other. though love is still there, that it isn't just me who throws up and bangs my head.
that makes me so very sad. i love(d) him. in ways i had never dared to love anyone else before.
this experience, this past year, has been the absolute most difficult of my life thus far. as hard as we each tried to make it amicable and easy, that was just impossible. our separate lives, our separate selves had much different plans.
i have grown, i have learned a lot about myself, but i am hoping that now that we are truly done, we can both step into a place of true healing and forgiveness and, most of all, a place of love and peace.
