i just went and saw burn after reading at the dollar theatre. i think that dollar theatre is going to become my new church on sundays. i had totally missed that film in the regular run theatres and then kind of forgot about it because everyone i knew hated it.
i, however, loved it. and maybe it is because i paid attention to the script? the writing? i thought there was just really great writing. i don't know? plus i have a huge love for john malkovich. i think he's just totally brilliant. and i loved that the entire thing took place in d.c. and i knew the houses, etc., where they were filming. that kind of thing always makes me giggle. for $1 on a sunday morning, it was definitely worth the price of admission!
i gave up my netflix subscription because i realized i just wasn't actually using it. i would get a movie in the mail and it would sit here for two months (two months!!) and then i'd finally watch it without even really even "wanting" to watch it.
of course we're moving into the cold, dreary, snowy, winter months and that is going to mean perhaps i'll want more movies? but first i have sundance. and i'll see like 40 movies and be movied out for a while. so, yeah. it just seems silly to pay for netflix when i can go to this dollar theatre, you know? it's walking distance from my house! also walking distance from my house are blockbuster and hollywood video. they're literally one block away. so if i really am desperate for a movie, i can rent one for $3. which still, at the rate i go, is cheaper than netflix.
so, david arrives in salt lake tomorrow. gah. i'm actually still trying to wrap my mind around all of this. his new girlfriend has family that lives here in salt lake city. of course he didn't tell me WHERE in salt lake city, just gave me just enough information to make me rather nutso. i know how old she is and that she has a daughter, i know her entire family is mormon and i know some of them live here. and she lived here for a while. now she lives in berkeley. where he lives with her. gah.
and they're coming here for thanksgiving. arriving tomorrow. spending a week.
i know this sounds completely SELFISH, but i feel totally violated. mostly because now that i know all of this, i feel like this city is no longer the safe haven it once was. it is no longer just MY TOWN, but i have to share it. and that just doesn't seem fair. i left santa cruz and came here so i could have a space that was just mine. without any reminders of him, you know? and now i have him everywhere i look because every person i see (and this is me being NUTSO) i think..."oh shit, are you related to the new girlfriend??? are you her sister and know all about me?"
this is because SHE reads my blog. gah.
it is just one week. they'll be here just this one week. i won't be seeing them (unless i happen to just run into them, which could easily happen, salt lake...the nicer parts...is VERY SMALL), but i'm still just haunted by this knowledge that her family is here. it's now HER TOWN TOO. gah.
the whole thing is making me vomit and bang my head. literally. and i'm not sure how to reconcile all of this? how to just let it go? how to make it all better for myself? in my effort to do that, i actually called david. i told him i was going to blog about it, but decided to call him first. but that just devolved into a big fat puddle of tears and accusations and david telling me to "live my life." in my effort to take care of him, i was trying not to blog about this. but you know what? i need to blog about this because i need fucking help. intellectually, i know, i very well know, that it should not matter where on the planet david is standing or who he is fucking or in what town he happens to be doing just that! i know that he has REJECTED ME and that i should just accept that and move on and find someone and a life much better. i know that in his reality, in his version of the story, he gave me plenty of chances to say "YES" and to participate in the ending of our marriage.
i know all of this, but i'm still feeling like i'm going fucking insane. i am falling apart at the seams. all those steps toward being better that i have made during the past year, i feel like i've just slipped on some snowy icy precipice right back down to the very bottom. and it's fucking freezing and i don't like it at all.
i know that there is growth to come from this. that there is an opportunity, a grand opportunity being presented to me here, to love myself just a little bit more, to heal, to reach the other side. to truly live my own fantastic and beautiful life!
i happen to live my life on the internet, the internet is my family, so internet, here i am. asking for your help. please.
fucking a. the universe deals us some mighty cruel challenges sometimes, you know? really really cruel.
so, dear and lovely friends. what do you suggest? what would you do? i'm serious. because i'm pretty much a basket case over here and can use all the help i can get.
honestly, i was doing a good job of living in a truly healthy and loving way until just this week. the reality of dealing with my divorce (all over again!!) and having to deal with david and renegotiate things with him directly when i had created real and true boundaries for myself and was truly allowing myself to heal was just a lot in a really compressed amount of time.
and then to have the information about thanksgiving and salt lake heaped on me, as well, was just more for the hamster wheel in my own head.
intellectually i know this is all just stupid. i know i'm being completely irrational and stupid. i know this. but emotionally, i'm just a bigger mess. fragile. broken. and i know i do not have to be. i'm just not there yet.
i'm determined to get back there. back to that healthy and loving place. i'm better than this. i know it.