Her Town, Too

i just went and saw burn after reading at the dollar theatre. i think that dollar theatre is going to become my new church on sundays. i had totally missed that film in the regular run theatres and then kind of forgot about it because everyone i knew hated it.

i, however, loved it. and maybe it is because i paid attention to the script? the writing? i thought there was just really great writing. i don't know? plus i have a huge love for john malkovich. i think he's just totally brilliant. and i loved that the entire thing took place in d.c. and i knew the houses, etc., where they were filming. that kind of thing always makes me giggle. for $1 on a sunday morning, it was definitely worth the price of admission!

i gave up my netflix subscription because i realized i just wasn't actually using it. i would get a movie in the mail and it would sit here for two months (two months!!) and then i'd finally watch it without even really even "wanting" to watch it.

of course we're moving into the cold, dreary, snowy, winter months and that is going to mean perhaps i'll want more movies? but first i have sundance. and i'll see like 40 movies and be movied out for a while. so, yeah. it just seems silly to pay for netflix when i can go to this dollar theatre, you know? it's walking distance from my house! also walking distance from my house are blockbuster and hollywood video. they're literally one block away. so if i really am desperate for a movie, i can rent one for $3. which still, at the rate i go, is cheaper than netflix.

so, david arrives in salt lake tomorrow. gah. i'm actually still trying to wrap my mind around all of this. his new girlfriend has family that lives here in salt lake city. of course he didn't tell me WHERE in salt lake city, just gave me just enough information to make me rather nutso. i know how old she is and that she has a daughter, i know her entire family is mormon and i know some of them live here. and she lived here for a while. now she lives in berkeley. where he lives with her. gah.

and they're coming here for thanksgiving. arriving tomorrow. spending a week.

i know this sounds completely SELFISH, but i feel totally violated. mostly because now that i know all of this, i feel like this city is no longer the safe haven it once was. it is no longer just MY TOWN, but i have to share it. and that just doesn't seem fair. i left santa cruz and came here so i could have a space that was just mine. without any reminders of him, you know? and now i have him everywhere i look because every person i see (and this is me being NUTSO) i think..."oh shit, are you related to the new girlfriend??? are you her sister and know all about me?"

this is because SHE reads my blog. gah.

it is just one week. they'll be here just this one week. i won't be seeing them (unless i happen to just run into them, which could easily happen, salt lake...the nicer parts...is VERY SMALL), but i'm still just haunted by this knowledge that her family is here. it's now HER TOWN TOO. gah.

the whole thing is making me vomit and bang my head. literally. and i'm not sure how to reconcile all of this? how to just let it go? how to make it all better for myself?  in my effort to do that, i actually called david.  i told him i was going to blog about it, but decided to call him first.  but that just devolved into a big fat puddle of tears and accusations and david telling me to "live my life."   in my effort to take care of him, i was trying not to blog about this.  but you know what?  i need to blog about this because i need fucking help.  intellectually, i know, i very well know, that it should not matter where on the planet david is standing or who he is fucking or in what town he happens to be doing just that!  i know that he has REJECTED ME and that i should just accept that and move on and find someone and a life much better.  i know that in his reality, in his version of the story, he gave me plenty of chances to say "YES" and to participate in the ending of our marriage. 

i know all of this, but i'm still feeling like i'm going fucking insane. i am falling apart at the seams.  all those steps toward being better that i  have made during the past year, i feel like i've just slipped on some snowy icy precipice right back down to the very bottom.  and it's fucking freezing and i don't like it at all.

i know that there is growth to come from this.  that there is an opportunity, a grand opportunity being presented to me here, to love myself just a little bit more, to heal, to reach the other side.  to truly live my own fantastic and beautiful life!

i happen to live my life on the internet, the internet is my family, so internet, here i am.  asking for your help.  please. 

fucking a. the universe deals us some mighty cruel challenges sometimes, you know? really really cruel.

so, dear and lovely friends. what do you suggest? what would you do? i'm serious. because i'm pretty much a basket case over here and can use all the help i can get.

and....

honestly, i was doing a good job of living in a truly healthy and loving way until just this week. the reality of dealing with my divorce (all over again!!) and having to deal with david and renegotiate things with him directly when i had created real and true boundaries for myself and was truly allowing myself to heal was just a lot in a really compressed amount of time.

and then to have the information about thanksgiving and salt lake heaped on me, as well, was just more for the hamster wheel in my own head.

intellectually i know this is all just stupid. i know i'm being completely irrational and stupid. i know this. but emotionally, i'm just a bigger mess. fragile. broken. and i know i do not have to be. i'm just not there yet.

i'm determined to get back there. back to that healthy and loving place.  i'm better than this. i know it.

Comments

[ronfortoby]

So david is coming to town.
however, you WILL be able to say 'david has left town' at some time in the near future.
He may go screwing in the snow and freeze his balls off, now there is a pretty picture to imagine.
no snow here..

[bornfamous]

You need more than the internet for support. Can you find a support group for dumpees? Sounds flippant, but I'm serious. I got a lot of help from a support group after my divorce, when I was a mess for different reasons than yours. We have a 211 number for social services here -- try dialing it and see if anybody answers. Then explain what you need. You never know, it could be just the ticket, like it was for me.

[Jo Spanglemonkey]

Oh Jen. I SO identify with this post, and I'm glad you posted it. I just found out that my ex is moving in his girlfriend to the house that I own half of. With my kids living there, too.

But I want to address your pain. Someone told me in all this process that this is a way to reach closure; to truly know that he has moved on and that life will never be how it was before. And that is potentially freeing for you and for me.

But meanwhile I'm feeling so sick I can't eat. Both of us were the dumpees and it's not easy to just make your feelings disappear. Stupid douchebags have no idea what they threw away. /rant

[inovice]

survive. thai is the task now. try making excercises. or run. every day. run untill you almost drop. the lattest helped me a lot in similar situation. let out bad energie.
i cross my fingers for you.

[laura]

I would say go back to Santa Cruz for the holidays but you were just there! What a strange and annoying coincidence. I feel for you. Surround yourself with lots of family, love and good food is all I can suggest...

[Lynne]

Haven't talked to you in forever (since UW & LJT) but wanted to send a big hug your way. I feel your pain. Know I am thinking of you and I do lurk in your blog. You will get through this and be a better person for it. Don't let his life control YOUR life.

[Vi]

fuck david. no....seriously, fuck him. you should blog about him or her or them whenever the hell you want. and the next time you want to consult him about whether or not you should blog about what that inconsiderate asshole is doing and how it effects you, you should call someone else.

do what you feel and feel what you do without concern or question. this is YOUR process now. it stopped being his concern the second he said he was done.

[nerisaceylon]

He'll dump her too. It's what he does.

[HipKivrin]

Jen, breathe. Let it go. You give D too much power when you make yourself sick over his trip. All that reactive shit? Let it go.

Here's my equanimity prayer--
Take a few deep breaths and repeat:

May I accept things as they are
May I radiate serenity
May I remain grounded
May I be undisturbed by the comings and goings of events.

Thinkin' of you. Peace & Love, K

[Deb]

I know it is a few days late and you are likely over this, but I just want to give you permission to NOT have to be loving about this. Just this one thing. If you can get to neutral about this, it will be huge.
Loving the prayer above.
Take really good care of YOU. Let the storm pass thru you and stop talking to him!! YOu didn't need any of that information. You don't need to know and you can be his friend later, when you are fully over it.
I love your thankful list