nakedjen

I Am Thankful

1.    I am thankful I am not a turkey.
2.    I am thankful for Buddha.  That dog holds my heart on his four paws.  Gently.

3.    I am thankful for Stella.  She takes her role as my companion so very seriously and I know I am her number one.

4.    I am thankful for my sister Beth and everything, and I mean everything, that she has done for me this past year.
5.    I am thankful for my sister Robin who always knows how to make me laugh.
6.    I am thankful for my mother, Emily Gilmore, who loves me anyway.
7.    I am thankful for my father, Albert, who is softening around the edges.
8.    I am thankful for Wendee.  She knows all the reasons why.  If she doesn’t, I need to be better about telling her.
9.    I am thankful for Elizabeth.  She also knows all the reasons why. 
10.    I am thankful for Betsy.  Forever.
11.    I am thankful for Pinky.  xoxox
12.    I am thankful for the rest of the Fab Five.  They know who they are.
13.    I am thankful for Chuck and Lynda and Pilar and Alexander.  They are my family.
14.    I am thankful for Grace.  She keeps me honest.
15.    I am thankful for Shannon.  She keeps me prosperous.
16.    I am thankful for Holly and Chris and Ella and Colette.  They are also my family.
17.    I am thankful for the family we create.
18.    I am thankful for Mimi and Steve.  What amazing souls.
19.    I am thankful for Dave Winer.  He makes me laugh exactly when necessary.
20.    I am thankful for organic food.
21.    I am thankful for fresh water.
22.    I am thankful for my home in Utah. 
23.    I am thankful for Naomi and Jason.  I am blessed to know them and love them.
24.    I am thankful for Anna and Mike and Sarah and my boyfriend, Ben.  My life is always better because of them.
25.    I am thankful for the Internet.
26.    I am thankful for Canon.
27.    I am thankful for Sundance.
28.    I am thankful for Obama and everyone who voted for him.
29.    I am thankful for Kristy and Adam and Emerson and the Baby to Be.
30.    I am thankful for Yvonne.  Always.
31.    I am thankful for David.  Yes, that David.  Our marriage taught me a lot about myself and our separation this year taught me even more!
32.    I am thankful for Amy, David’s sister, who continues to love me.
33.    I am thankful for Laura, who welcomed me to Utah with an open heart and open arms and has made sure I am always okay.
34.    I am thankful for Jessica who takes such loving care of me.
35.    I am thankful for Ron and his mangoes.
36.    I am thankful for Gwendomama.
37.    I am thankful for snow.
38.    I am thankful for my good health.
39.    I am thankful for good doctors.
40.    I am thankful for a good therapist.
41.    I am thankful for herbs.
42.    I am thankful for my brain.
43.    I am thankful for hot chocolate.
44.    I am thankful for Calvin and his beautiful kind heart.
45.    I am thankful for the University of Utah for giving me a job.
46.    I am thankful for all the people who read this blog.
47.    I am thankful for Charlie Kaufman.  He makes me want to write.
48.    I am thankful for Michael and Mikaela and their new baby!
49.    I am thankful for Nina and Sasha.
50.    I am thankful for London.
51.    I am thankful for James Maybrick.  He knows who he is.
52.    I am thankful for gas stoves.
53.    I am thankful for book publishers.
54.    I am thankful for Chuck-It’s.
55.    I am thankful for MRI’s.
56.    I am thankful for the Salt Lake City Library.
57.    I am thankful for St. Andrew’s School.
58.    I am thankful for Lydia and her glorious boobs.
59.    I am thankful for Odd Molly.
60.    I am thankful for Moonfish.
61.    I am thankful for the Weepies.
62.    I am thankful for Scott.  Even if he did chicken out.
63.    I am thankful for the architect.  Even if he did run away.
64.    I am thankful for candles.
65.    I am thankful for doc martens.
66.    I am thankful for uggs.
67.    I am thankful for warm gloves.
68.    I am thankful for wool hats.
69.    I am thankful for hot tubs and hot springs.
70.    I am thankful for LJT and everyone there.
71.    I am thankful for all the lovely ladies in my new moon circle.
72.    I am thankful for velvet.
73.    I am thankful for memories.
74.    I am thankful for fairies.
75.    I am thankful for Jerry Garcia.
76.    I am thankful for Tranquilitea.
77.    I am thankful for coffee.
78.    I am thankful for magic and faith and manifestations.
79.    I am thankful for Green and Black’s Organic chocolate.
80.    I am thankful for the National Cash Store.
81.    I am thankful for Nakedjen, my blog.
82.    I am thankful for Clyde Fairy.
83.    I am thankful for Gatsby.
84.    I am thankful for Santa Cruz.
85.    I am thankful for the Coffee Garden and their quad Lattes.
86.    I am thankful for Sapna and her kindness.
87.    I am thankful for the kind organic farmers of Utah have agreed to keep growing vegetables for me all winter long!
88.    I am thankful for warm socks.
89.    I am thankful for the Halti!
90.    I am thankful for frisbees.
91.    I am thankful for yoga.
92.    I am thankful for Roger Rix and his friendship.
93.    I am thankful for the Oregon Country Fair.
94.    I am thankful for Ellie and Nadine and Breeana and all their kids.
95.    I am thankful for Max and his incredibly generous heart.
96.    I am thankful for the ocean.
97.    I am thankful for lacrosse balls.
98.    I am thankful for nuts.
99.    I am thankful for really good pots and pans.
100.    I am thankful most of all for unconditional love.

I Am Grateful

Ten years ago, Thanksgiving, found me on a very overbooked and cramped red-eye flight from San Francisco to Philadelphia.  I had known David for about two months and he wanted me to go to Pennsylvania to spend Thanksgiving with his family.  I got no sleep on the flight, arrived in Philadelphia bleary eyed and a tad overwhelmed and then we had to make to make the drive in those early morning hours to Redding where his aunt and uncle were putting us in a Sheraton hotel because there were so many gathering at the house there was not room for us.

It was a rather horrific Thanksgiving for me, least among the reasons being that the only thing I was able to eat was bread and salad.  The dinner was catered and even the mashed potatoes had bacon in them.  It was at that Thanksgiving that I learned of David’s family’s predilection to have 100% consensus on all activities.  This meant that we’d spend the large part of every day trying to find one thing, just one thing, which absolutely everyone could agree that they wanted to do…together.
It made me batty.  My own family has its challenges. I will not try to say that they do not.  But this is not one of them.  I found it rather incredulous that entire days would wane slowly by as everyone debated about a walk, a trip to Longwood Gardens, or a game of tennis.  None of these things actually happened, but all would be discussed. 

One group activity we did all manage was going to see “A Bug’s Life” together.  It is still one of my most favorite films and I named the new Beetle that I bought shortly afterward Heimlich because it was a “German” bug.

That was ten years ago.

If you had told me while I was gathered at that Thanksgiving in far off Pennsylvania that in ten years I’d be living in Salt Lake City, separated from David after having been married to him for eight years (and eight other challenging Thanksgivings), challenging myself to be a better me and reclaim my own universe and actually grateful that I no longer had to come up with very creative ways to avoid Thanksgiving dinners with his family, I would never, ever have believed you.  Especially the part about Salt Lake City. (WF??) Or even being married because I was never getting married, you know.  Not to David or anyone else. (As if!!)

This is a very long way of saying that life is just not something you can ever predict or plan.  You can never know where it may take you.  You may imagine yourself on that Thanksgiving day ten years ago spending the rest of all of your Thanksgivings with a man who has captured your heart, but what might be better to remember is that there are no forevers.  For any of us. 

Life happens.  Our best bet is to live it.  Fully.  With love and intention and gratitude every single day.
I am most grateful that this year I am free to spend my Thanksgiving exactly how I wish without apology or excuses to anyone.  I am also most grateful to each and every single one of the literally hundreds of you who took the time to reach out to me in the past few days and assure me that this universe is still my universe and that I am truly and absolutely loved. 

For all of you, both named and unnamed, I am blessed, I am fortunate, I am always grateful. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Her Town, Too

i just went and saw burn after reading at the dollar theatre. i think that dollar theatre is going to become my new church on sundays. i had totally missed that film in the regular run theatres and then kind of forgot about it because everyone i knew hated it.

i, however, loved it. and maybe it is because i paid attention to the script? the writing? i thought there was just really great writing. i don't know? plus i have a huge love for john malkovich. i think he's just totally brilliant. and i loved that the entire thing took place in d.c. and i knew the houses, etc., where they were filming. that kind of thing always makes me giggle. for $1 on a sunday morning, it was definitely worth the price of admission!

i gave up my netflix subscription because i realized i just wasn't actually using it. i would get a movie in the mail and it would sit here for two months (two months!!) and then i'd finally watch it without even really even "wanting" to watch it.

of course we're moving into the cold, dreary, snowy, winter months and that is going to mean perhaps i'll want more movies? but first i have sundance. and i'll see like 40 movies and be movied out for a while. so, yeah. it just seems silly to pay for netflix when i can go to this dollar theatre, you know? it's walking distance from my house! also walking distance from my house are blockbuster and hollywood video. they're literally one block away. so if i really am desperate for a movie, i can rent one for $3. which still, at the rate i go, is cheaper than netflix.

so, david arrives in salt lake tomorrow. gah. i'm actually still trying to wrap my mind around all of this. his new girlfriend has family that lives here in salt lake city. of course he didn't tell me WHERE in salt lake city, just gave me just enough information to make me rather nutso. i know how old she is and that she has a daughter, i know her entire family is mormon and i know some of them live here. and she lived here for a while. now she lives in berkeley. where he lives with her. gah.

and they're coming here for thanksgiving. arriving tomorrow. spending a week.

i know this sounds completely SELFISH, but i feel totally violated. mostly because now that i know all of this, i feel like this city is no longer the safe haven it once was. it is no longer just MY TOWN, but i have to share it. and that just doesn't seem fair. i left santa cruz and came here so i could have a space that was just mine. without any reminders of him, you know? and now i have him everywhere i look because every person i see (and this is me being NUTSO) i think..."oh shit, are you related to the new girlfriend??? are you her sister and know all about me?"

this is because SHE reads my blog. gah.

it is just one week. they'll be here just this one week. i won't be seeing them (unless i happen to just run into them, which could easily happen, salt lake...the nicer parts...is VERY SMALL), but i'm still just haunted by this knowledge that her family is here. it's now HER TOWN TOO. gah.

the whole thing is making me vomit and bang my head. literally. and i'm not sure how to reconcile all of this? how to just let it go? how to make it all better for myself?  in my effort to do that, i actually called david.  i told him i was going to blog about it, but decided to call him first.  but that just devolved into a big fat puddle of tears and accusations and david telling me to "live my life."   in my effort to take care of him, i was trying not to blog about this.  but you know what?  i need to blog about this because i need fucking help.  intellectually, i know, i very well know, that it should not matter where on the planet david is standing or who he is fucking or in what town he happens to be doing just that!  i know that he has REJECTED ME and that i should just accept that and move on and find someone and a life much better.  i know that in his reality, in his version of the story, he gave me plenty of chances to say "YES" and to participate in the ending of our marriage. 

i know all of this, but i'm still feeling like i'm going fucking insane. i am falling apart at the seams.  all those steps toward being better that i  have made during the past year, i feel like i've just slipped on some snowy icy precipice right back down to the very bottom.  and it's fucking freezing and i don't like it at all.

i know that there is growth to come from this.  that there is an opportunity, a grand opportunity being presented to me here, to love myself just a little bit more, to heal, to reach the other side.  to truly live my own fantastic and beautiful life!

i happen to live my life on the internet, the internet is my family, so internet, here i am.  asking for your help.  please. 

fucking a. the universe deals us some mighty cruel challenges sometimes, you know? really really cruel.

so, dear and lovely friends. what do you suggest? what would you do? i'm serious. because i'm pretty much a basket case over here and can use all the help i can get.

and....

honestly, i was doing a good job of living in a truly healthy and loving way until just this week. the reality of dealing with my divorce (all over again!!) and having to deal with david and renegotiate things with him directly when i had created real and true boundaries for myself and was truly allowing myself to heal was just a lot in a really compressed amount of time.

and then to have the information about thanksgiving and salt lake heaped on me, as well, was just more for the hamster wheel in my own head.

intellectually i know this is all just stupid. i know i'm being completely irrational and stupid. i know this. but emotionally, i'm just a bigger mess. fragile. broken. and i know i do not have to be. i'm just not there yet.

i'm determined to get back there. back to that healthy and loving place.  i'm better than this. i know it.

Cold Hard Cash For Coldplay

This photo was taken by Calvin.  I think the shadows of Buddha and Stella are particularly fantastic.  As are the multiple blue hues.

I have a big favour to ask of my Salt Lake readers (and those who may have connections in the music business).  I am trying to find two tickets to Coldplay for tomorrow (SATURDAY) night here in Salt Lake.  I have promised my friend, Susan, that she'll get to go.  Of course I know in my heart that I can just appear at the arena and the tickets will magically also appear.  But...Susan is not as trusting as I am of the universe and the wonderful gifts it provides.

While I'd love to teach her this lesson, I'd also love to just have the tickets in hand so she can stop fretting and making more wrinkles in her lovely brow. 

So...if you've got two extras for Coldplay tomorrow night (or know someone who does) and the price is NOT OUTRAGEOUS please contact me.  We have cold hard cash.  And you'll be making one grandmother really happy!

A Tea Just For Me (But For You, Too)

It is often said that doctors make the worst patients.  Which may explain why today found me wandering the many aisles of health and beauty products at Sunflower Market in search of just the right remedy for my very stuffy head.  I had a $17 product in my hand that wasn't even going to exactly solve my stuffy head problem and was chatting with the very cute Haven (that's his real name, he's got hippie parents and has lived here his whole life) when I realized, "Doh, I'm a master herbalist!"

There I was looking for a cure in the market when I have the cure right here in my own tea studio.  I have every herb I need and all I needed to do was mix up my own perfect little concoction.  So I told Haven that I was going to go do just that and left the $17 product that would not have worked anyway right there on the shelf and headed home.

I mixed up my own stuffy head concoction, brewed up a healthy hot huge mug and have been drinking it all afternoon.  I'm pleased to report that it works!  Very well, I might add.  No more stuffy head.  No more itchy sore throat.  No more cough.  I decided it worked so well that I dumped some of my herbs into a container along with some grain alcohol to brew up a tincture, as well.  It will be nice to have on hand in the future, especially for traveling.

I'm going to share this concoction with all of you.  The cold and flu season is upon us.  This mixture is similar to my Immunitea, but changed up slightly because Immunitea is really for keeping you from getting sick, not for after you're already experiencing the symptoms. 

If you're not up for purchasing all these herbs yourself (and I recommend only using certified organic herbs) than you can always order some directly from me.  I need to come up with a name.  Some how, stuffy nose tea is just not too appealing, now is it?  Perhaps I should ask all of you?  A name for a tea for healing a congested head and nose?  Remember that I like to end my tea names with in -tea!

In fact, I'll send some to the person who comes up with the best name.  If you're feeling really creative, I've also got a new tea for helping those who are undergoing chemotherapy treatments.  I have been having a really difficult time coming up with a hopeful sounding name that doesn't sound like I am curing cancer!  All of you are far more fabulous and creative than I am.  Let's come up for a name for that tea, too!

Meanwhile, to help you find your way back to wellness when the stuffy head germs strike, I give you the following:

1 part fresh osha root
1 part fresh yerba santa leaf
2 parts mullein leaf
2 parts ginger root
1 part Oregon grape root
2 parts echinacea flowers
1 part wild cherry bark
1 part nettles
fresh mint for taste

Mix all herbs together.  Take 2 tablespoons of herb mixture and steep in 2 cups boiling water.  Steep for 15 minutes.  Strain into large mug.  You can add lemon and honey, if you'd like.  Both work well for additional astringent and healing properties, especially if you have a sore throat.

Drink as often as you can through out the day to promote decongestion and wellness.

Sorry, Marshall. No Pix For You!

Home.
Sick.
Better tomorrow.
Hopefully.

Looking for a Lucky Winner

There's a prize for the BEST caption for this photo. 

Leave your caption in the comments or email it directly to me.  I'll choose the winner by Friday.

Remember, there is a PRIZE!

 

The Blessings of Liberty

If you've been paying attention, you know that I am in Santa Cruz.  If you're really been paying attention and have been reading this blog for any amount of time, you also know that I used to live in Santa Cruz for many years.  You get bonus points and a gold star if you could have also told me that not only did I live in Santa Cruz, I was quite an activist while I lived there and showed up for protests and demonstrations of all sorts.  Especially the ones that were about equality for dogs.

Well, Saturday was about equality of an entirely different matter.  Truthfully, from the moment I arrived in Santa Cruz with my Utah license plates on my car I have been apologizing for the passage of Proposition 8.  For those of you who do not know, Proposition 8 amended the California state constitution to restrict the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman.  It overrode a recent California Supreme court decision that had recognized same-sex marriage in California as a fundamental right.

There is evidence that the passage of this Proposition was deeply funded by members of the Mormon Church.  The same Mormon Church that claims my sister, NeverNakedBeth as a practicing member and that claims Utah as its motherland. 

The moment Proposition 8 passed, there was outrage among the GLBT community as well as thousands of others and many people have called for a boycott of Utah.  Not just the Mormon contributors to Proposition 8, but of the entire state of Utah.  The thinking is that all of Utah should pay the price for housing the folks who decided to support the passage of this backward thinking Proposition with their pocketbooks.

Now, I'm all for boycotts.  I'm all for protests.  I'm all for getting in there and causing a ruckus when a ruckus is due.  I actually marched here on Saturday morning with all my fellow Santa Cruz activists to bring attention to just how wrong I believe this Proposition happens to be.

However, I believe that a boycott of the entire state of Utah is also just as misguided as those folks in Utah who decided to pull out their checkbooks and write a big fat check in support of a Proposition that wasn't even on the ballot in their OWN state.

The entire state of Utah did not cause Proposition 8 to pass.  There are many, and I mean this in all sincerity, many GLBT folks right in Salt Lake City who are just as saddened by the passage of Proposition 8 as those of you who happen to be blessed enough to live in California.  Your brothers and sisters in Utah are actually on the front lines of dealing with Mormon religious hypocrisy every single day.  Many of them were raised as Mormons and have been banished by their very own church.  So not only are they not allowed to marry in the state of Utah, they also are not free to practice the religion they choose!

Now, I know that marriage is a very important and personal subject for so many people.  Having just dissolved my own marriage, it seems to me, honestly, that perhaps we're all caught up in semantics here and that this could possibly be easily solved if we just simply took religion out of the equation.

I am always one for getting the church out of my affairs.  It does seem to me that if we could all wrap our minds around the fact that any two people, male, female, bisexual, transgendered, Black, White, Latino, Chinese, Indian, Aborigine, Whomever who wish to commit to one another for the rest of their lives be allowed to go to the government and receive a license to do so and form a civil-union be able to do just that.  It should not matter to any of the rest of us, frankly, who the two people are or how they wish to form their union.  That's between the two of them!

If they want to MARRY, however, they should then have to approach a church.  Which church?  I do not even care.  If two women can find a church that will bless the marriage they wish to have, why on earth should ANY OF US care?  The Mormon Church does not have to bless the marriage of anyone it does not see fit, right? It can even currently prevent people from marrying in the temple if it doesn't feel they are worthy.  A Catholic church has hoops you jump through before you're allowed to marry in a Catholic ceremony.  I'm pretty certain most religious organizations have some tenets you follow in order to marry in their church!  If you can find a church willing to marry you and you happen to be marrying your life partner who also happens to be the exact same sex as you, well, that's between you, your church, your partner and the god you choose to worship.  It has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with me and my dogs.  Unless you want us to come and throw rice or something.  Then by all means, we'll be there.  We love weddings!

So, please.  Let's just let people, all people in America, no matter who they are or whom they would like to join with, form a civil union that is always blessed in the eyes of the government.  If they want to also be married in their church, let them do it if their church will bless them with such an arrangement.

Honestly, we have such larger issues to worry about right now, don't you think?  Global warming, the food shortage, the wars plaguing our planet!  Do we really need to worry ourselves to the tune of approximately $85 million dollars (so far) about who is getting married to whom?  Do we all realize how many organic school lunches we could have provided for all those children of all those couples no matter who they were with that funding?

I'd rather buy them an organic lunch and let them live with their two moms.  Think about it.  Really.  Please.

Hugging My Way Through

Remember how I kept insisting that there were hugs waiting for me in Santa Cruz?  Hugs I really needed to collect?  Hugs that would restore me?  Hugs that would help to heal my heart?

Santa Cruz delivered those hugs today in so very many beautiful and lovely ways.  It was as if my hamlet by the sea just knew, absolutely knew, that today was a day when I needed her to wrap me in her warm embrace and love me like only she knows how.

Of course this has been my home for so very long that it should not surprise me that on my sojourn to my most favorite bookshop in search of a book that proved an impossibility to find in Salt Lake (of course my favorite bookshop had the book as well as the other book that I had told my book club they would have "used" waiting for me!) I would run into so many very dear friends.  All completely by random and beautiful chance.  All wrapping their arms around me, squeezing me tight, and assuring me that I look "really good".  It's nice that they think I do, honestly, as I have had quite a time of it the last year and feel like I've aged at least 20 years!

I capped off my day as any day like today should be capped off with a romp on the beach with my dear friend Shannon and the dogs. 

I'll let these pictures give you the rest of my thousand words...

DearSweetDone

i'm a puddle of tears over here. first tears in a very long while. lots of sobbing today. i had to negotiate with david. i surprised myself with the tears as i was in the mediator's office yesterday without so much as a trembling lower lip. but today? puddle.on.the.floor.

the good news is that i think we have a final agreement. that is suitable to all parties. my heart is still breaking, believe it or not? i can not even really tell any of you why?!?!

perhaps because this is truly, absolutely, the end? i love(d) him. i married him. i promised to be his wife. and now? now it all says that husband gets this and wife gets this and neither will hold the other responsible for blah, blah, blah and it's all over and done.

done.

that word used to just be about cakes and cookies and home work assignments.

now? 

now it's about my marriage.  it will forever be a word that reminds me of my marriage.

done. 

forever. 

i realized over the past few days that i am just as toxic for david as he is for me. that somehow we have become quite toxic for each other. though love is still there, that it isn't just me who throws up and bangs my head.

that makes me so very sad.  i love(d) him.  in ways i had never dared to love anyone else before. 

this experience, this past year, has been the absolute most difficult of my life thus far. as hard as we each tried to make it amicable and easy, that was just impossible.  our separate lives, our separate selves had much different plans.

i have grown, i have learned a lot about myself, but i am hoping that now that we are truly done, we can both step into a place of true healing and forgiveness and, most of all, a place of love and peace.