Thinking Out Loud

Taken from the files of my private journals...

so there's this thing called therapy. and if you happen to find yourself a really good therapist? one who will call you on your bullshit? well, it really does help. a lot.

i complain and moan and groan about utah a lot. i know this. i am unhappy here for a variety of reasons. but at the same time i am absolutely grateful for a lot about utah.

my relationship with my sister has improved 1000 percent.
i have a therapist who TRULY gets me and is really helping me to heal from the trauma of my divorce.
i have a doctor who truly works with me instead of against me. i never had that in santa cruz.
i am far enough away from david that i don't have to face him constantly while i try to recover.
i have made some great friends here who really love me including some lovely organic farmers!

still, i am very lonely. and it isn't that i don't have friends. i have friends here. but i feel lonely. a deep aching loneliness.

i mentioned to my therapist last night that if the internet were to suddenly vanish it may actually force me to become a healthier person. because i know that i rely on the relationships i've formed on the internet far more than i probably should.

i'm a gregarious person, in general. i like people. i like going out.

i also am aware that it is winter. and that the majority of my friends here in salt lake are SNOW PEOPLE and do things like skiing and snowboarding. so i'm not a part of that.

i'm really, again, just typing out loud here. thinking about the things i talked about last night.

i'm excited for sundance to truly kick-off. tomorrow!!! because it will be a whirlwind of two weeks of lots of people interaction. lots and lots. and then right after it ends my sister, robin, will be here for a week. which will be lovely!

i'm just surfacing from that very intense dark blue place. and trying to make sense of it all.

and these thoughts may just be leftover detritus from my marriage to david. he was very critical of my online friendships. very. as well as of my blog. he was always berating me for having such a "wide net" of friendships that were not "real". or in person. or truly physical.

but as i think about it, perhaps he was just jealous? i don't know, truthfully. however, not a day did not go by in our marriage that he did not make some sort of derisive comment about it. that is bound to happen when the two of you work side by side together in a tiny office all day long.

i had oodles of friends in santa cruz. i still do. yet he was always telling me that i didn't cultivate them and that i valued my online relationships more than i valued my friends who lived right there.

as much as i didn't agree with him, i think the words stuck. like barbs. at least a little bit. and if they did, was there truth in what he was saying? because if there was not, how could they have stuck??  and why are they still tormenting me now?

Comments

[mossum]

>> if they did, was there truth in what he was saying?

There was truth for HIM in what he was saying. You get to decide what your truth is.

PS, Steve and you and I all used to be "merely" cyber-acquaintances. Now we are all very real. So there.

[punxsyphil]

Are you discussing these things with your therapist? It's pretty obvious David has some "issues" of his own. Don't let him to continue to bleed on you.

[tree4yew]

You're taking it personally. You are "letting it get to you".This fellow David has sown these seeds into your mind. They don't sound like they are in any way positive for you now. You must weed them out of your mind. Challenge them with positive beliefs and thoughts. You know that you are a good person, and that you value your friends in the appropriate way. Perhaps do a guided meditation on this.You don't need to listen to others that you don't want to. You just need to recognize and accept how limitless and wonderful this life is. I recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, if you haven't already checked it out.