It's quite surprising, shocking sometimes, really, the things that will knock you positively sideways when you least expect it. You're going along. You're doing just fine. You're feeling at peace, like perhaps life really is just fine and then you open a box of musty, dusty, crusty camping mattresses and the smell, his smell, his ancient smell that you had sworn you had forgotten, that you can't possibly fathom could still be lingering there, envelopes you more strongly than the strongest of Jitterbug Perfumes and you're, well, sideways with your heart in your throat and wondering, just wondering, if you'll ever, truly, be right again?
In my rainbow soul (it's colorful, you know) I do know that I will be right, that I am right, that I am okay. This is just another one of those moments. Smells, tastes, touches, sideways glances just have their way of catching you off guard, of sneaking up on you when you're on auto-pilot to rip the controls out of your hands and remind you that life really is one grand roller coaster ride and that the stomach dropping dips make it all worth really screaming about.
I'm screaming towards the Oregon Country Fair. Unfurling the musty, dusty air mattress with smells of DearSweetDave that conjures up such bittersweet memories to check for leaks and make sure it's sleep-worthy, setting up the tent (and finding his long forgotten things inside the inside pocket on his side) to ascertain that all the parts are there, writing list after list and with special elfish magic checking them all thrice, springing open my massive costume trunk and letting my wings take flight.
I vacillate between sheer joy and complete and utter weepy madness. The Oregon Country Fair is just infused with so much emotional history for me. Ten years of sharing it with David helped to supplant the previous emotional histories of sharing it with the boy(s) who came before him. Now? Well, now it's time for new stories.
A new history began many moons ago, actually. I suppose it has always been my story. David was just one of the (un?)lucky players upon my stage. He got quite the leading role there for a while before he decided to exit stage left and just kept going.
I said recently that this summer was my summer of love. All love, all the time. My heart is open, is ready for love in ways unexpected, is more than ready to drop from my throat to my toes. I want new brushes of kisses where kisses need to go, I want smells that remind me of touches that tingle and I want to feel like I might just forget to breathe.
I want it all. I want it now. Won't you join me at the Fair? Please.say.yes. xoxox
