nakedjen

Because She Is My Mother

It's NakedMom's aka Emily Gilmore's birthday today.  Without NakedMom, well, we all know that there really wouldn't be a Nakedjen.  I'm not necessarily saying she gets ALL the props for me being who I am, but she did, you know, birth me.

I figured she'd like some Naked Swedish Men for her birthday.  But she'd also really love a flood of birthday wishes from total strangers.  In fact, I know that she would.  So go ahead, if you're feeling generous, and send her a birthday greeting.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  As it is Friday, I hope you spend at least part of it really naked!

Lá Fhéile Pádraig

 

With the surname, Neal, there is no question that I am Irish.  Those are my decidedly non-naked ancestors.  My cousin's wife, Patty Neal, who is our family historian, recently sent all of us these pictures to see if we could possibly identify any of the folks in them.  We're all fairly clueless and how sad is that?  I do think it is important to at least have an idea about those who came before us, if for no other reason than to not make the same mistakes! 

 

I completely forgot that today was St. Patrick's Day until I got to the office and they asked me where my "green" was.  My green?  I'm always green!  I am an environmentalist.  But that wasn't what they meant at all and it took me a few seconds to realize that I had blown it with my head to toe all in black uniform.  My heart is green, though.  Remember, I'm Irish!  This vegetarian grew up eating corned beef and cabbage.  In fact, I was taught how to cook it practically from the moment I exited the womb. 

 

So, I may not know who those people are, but I do know that they're my Irish ancestors in fancy dress.   Perhaps they were celebrating St. Patrick's Day and were going to march in the parade in Boston (where all the Neals live...if you're a Neal in New England, we're related!).  It's an official public holiday today in Ireland.  I believe I should follow in the foots of my dear ancestors and spend the day in homage with a decent beer and a rousing chorus of Amhrán na bhFiann.  Who's in?

Sammy Snow Man

Remember when these two said "I do" and "Jah"?

Now they've off sprung.  The perfect and lovely angelic Sam has joined us all on the planet.  

Michael writes and wants to know "Is it wrong to use an 8 week old baby as a snow angel? Or chuck snow balls at your wife whilst standing next to an 8 week old baby, knowing full well she won’t throw back in case she hits him?" 


My favorite, of course, is the real snow angel.  Such adorable cuteness.  I have to get home to London and squeeze him.  I just do.  Now.   Sam needs to know his auntie Naked!

 

You Really Can Not Make This Up!

HalfNakedRobin arrived today from North Carolina.  She's visiting for a week.  Of course to get here she had to get up at 2:30 a.m. this morning EST in order to ensure that she would be at the airport in time to board Greyhound of the Skies (as she likes to call it) and start puddle jumping her way across America toward snowy Utah. 

She called me when she arrived in Denver and was so enamored with the Denver Airport that I was unsure whether or not she'd actually get back on the plane to continue with her trip to Utah.  She actually was shopping at the Denver airport and contemplating buying tourist souvenirs but then reminded herself that you really should only purchase those if you've actually visited the city of Denver, not just the airport!

She arrived here ready to chew her own arm off.  In her words, she was critically hungry.  A crisis situation.  We had to drive directly to Whole Foods as fast as the car could possibly go.  I'm not even sure that was quite fast enough. 

Once fed, she was in much better spirits (this has always been the case with HalfNakedRobin and is something for all future paramours to keep well in mind).  Her sense of time is all screwed up though and she has no idea what time it is or even what day it is.  Should I be worried?

She is currently resting on the couch.  She just called out and asked me to please put the kettle on for her.  Before I could even ask her what kind of tea she would like she informed me that she brought her own tea with her.  I could find it in her purse. 

Her own tea.  With her.  From North Carolina.

I own an organic tea company.  OWN.  But HalfNakedRobin brings her own tea to visit me.  It's a good thing I really love her or I would be terribly offended.

Naked....

ummm tempura
Originally uploaded by nakedjen

ummmm tempura? No. Not exactly. But it is Friday. I think we need to have a little nakedness around here, don't you?  How about this one?

  It honestly feels to me like a still from a porno movie.  Which makes me laugh out loud since it was taken just a few minutes ago at NeverNakedBeth's house where I was, in fact, doing the dishes...naked.  I obviously should not be using my cellphone for naked pictures, huh?  

Ah, well.  It is Friday.  I am Naked.  Now, you go get naked, too.

Thank Goodness for Mormon Sisters With Temple Recommends

We're in metrograde.  It's a term my dear friend Shannon came up with to describe Mercury Retrograde.  And it doesn't surprise me that we entered it and all hell is breaking loose all over the globe.  And yes, people, I realize that Mercury Retrograde is mostly in my own imagination.  I get it.  But I also know that every single time we go into metrograde, well, shit hits the fan.

So is it any wonder that since we are in metrograde and since I know that when we are in metrograde any number of strange things can happen and will happen and certainly do happen that when I decided that perhaps I really did want a new place to lay my head at night, a new mailing address, a new roof over the puppies' heads, that I decided to pull out the major artillery? 

"Heather, it's Jennifer, is your mother there?"
"Um, no, she's at the Temple."
"She is?  Why?"
"She went to pray for your new house!  Didn't you ask her to do that?"
"Um, well, yes I did.  But I didn't think she'd really do it?!"
"Well, she did.  She's there.  She's praying so you'll get it."
"Heather, that's why I'm calling.  It must have really worked.  I got the house!"
"Whoo hoo!  Of course it worked.  You don't pray in the Temple and not have it work!"

Now I know what you're thinking.  How absolutely hypocritical of Nakedjen to ask her Mormon sister to go and pray in the Temple for her.  For a house of all things.  A house!  The entire world economy is about to go completely belly-up and Nakedjen has her sister in the Temple praying about a house.  Just for her!

Well, people, it does feel rather hypocritical.  I didn't really believe that my sister, NeverNakedBeth, was truly going to go to the Temple and pray for me.  I mean I called her and asked her to do it, but I didn't think she really would?!  She's a busy mother with two kids.  She has umpteen meetings all day long.  She doesn't have time to go to the Temple and pray about a house for her sister and her two fur kids.

She did do it, though.  And it was exactly at the moment that NeverNakedBeth walked out of that Temple that I received the call from the new landlord telling me that I was going to be moving to a very lovely house.  A house without holes in the walls.  A house with insulation.  A house with a new water heater.  A house that has a fenced back yard for the dogs.  A house that can truly be our home.

We're moving on Monday.  Breaking all my own rules about contracts and metrograde, I signed the lease.  Bye bye crack house.  Hello happy home!  Thank goodness for Mormon sisters with Temple recommends.

Story at 11:00

We'll begin our story this evening with two sisters celebrating the birth of one by sharing a lunch at a downtown mall in Salt Lake City.  Perhaps because one of those sisters happens to be Mormon and perhaps because we're actually in the Holy Land, the weather is actually cooperating today.  So much so that the birthday girl elects to eat outside on the patio.  The other sister, who has recently relocated to this hot desert locale from cool and comfortable and chic California marvels that it is actually possible to sit on the patio in the middle of the day and not melt.  And doing so she contemplates ordering a pomegranate margarita.  Because doesn't that just sound like something refreshing?  And decadent?  And something you should absolutely do when you're sitting on a patio in the middle of the desert in July? 

Why yes, it absolutely does.

However, she skips ordering the margarita.  The other Mormon sister who is celebrating her birthday doesn't drink, of course, and the other sister who is older even though she looks younger and is always asked if she is the youngest (probably because she acts like she is five most of the time) decides that she'll come back and drink on the patio another day.  With people who actually DO drink. 

Meanwhile, the NakedSister shares with the NeverNakedSister how nice it is to be celebrating her birthday with her and how far they both have come from those days when they committed such horrific and horrible crimes against one another and truly tried to kill one another.  It's a wonder, really, that they both survived.  Thank goddess for the Mormon Church and boarding schools.  Otherwise, who knows what might have happened?  It's really even better than that stuff they show on NBC these days, don't you think, asks the NakedSister?  You know when they're trying to catch the predator or tell the murder mystery?  The NeverNakedSister concurs and wonders just how much I'd ever tell if I ever did have my own television show?

The food arrives and the NeverNakedSister comments that the NakedSister can't possibly share hers because it has avocado on it.  But oh how delicious it is, she remarks.  So good.

And then just as the NakedSister is about to take another bite of her food, the NeverNakedSister notices that there is a big fat piece of avocado on her plate.  Deadly avocado.  For the NakedSister, that is.

The NeverNakedSister demands from the NakedSister to know if she KNEW she was eating avocado?  The NakedSister says she was sure her entree didn't have avocado, it was NOT listed in the ingredients on the menu, but that her chest is getting quite tight and she wondered why she was having an anxiety attack and thought it might have been because they had been talking about the architect?! 

The NeverNakedSister calls over the waiter.  "Is there avocado in that dish?"  He affirms that there is and then when he learns that the NakedSister is DEATHLY ALLERGIC to avocado tells her, "Well, you should have said something!"   Like the NakedSister pronounces her food allergies and preferences before dining in all establishments.  (Those of you whom have dined with the NakedSister can stop laughing now.  She can hear you!). 

The NeverNakedSister looks exasperatedly at the NakedSister and says, "Jennifer, it is always something with you.  Every.single.day.  Other people, once in a while.  You, every day.  You ARE like a television show.  I don't know how you live your life?!?!  It's supposed to be my birthday.  Today is supposed to be ABOUT ME.  But of course it is not.  It's ALL ABOUT YOU!"

As if I purposely had ordered the dish with the avocado so I could die a painful death of suffocation at the feet of my NeverNakedSister on a patio in July in this Holy City.  Without the aid of a margarita.  On her birthday!  I mean really?!

With my throat swelling, I swig as much water as possible (to try and dilute the avocado effect) and tell her that I promise I will suck it up and not ruin her birthday!  She wants to know how she is supposed to tell if I am dying?  I tell her that if I suddenly collapse that might be a good indication and to please call 911.  She wants to know what I've done for this in the past?  I tell her I've always just gone directly to the ER. 

We actually laugh at that point because she has no intention of spending her birthday at the ER.  Absolutely none.  So she tells me I need to keep breathing.  Please.  Just keep breathing.

Which is exactly what I did.  I kept breathing and breathing and breathing still.

Happy Birthday, NakedMom

Forty four years ago, NakedMom gave birth to me and became my mother.  But 21 years before that (I'll let all of you do the math since she gets really pissed at me when I tell people how old she is) her mother, Nana, gave birth to her on this very day. 

As you all know from reading this blog, NakedMom is both my biggest cheerleader and sometimes my absolute biggest critic.  I suppose that comes with the title MOM. 

She worries because I am her daughter that perhaps I am just a tad TOO NAKED on this blog, that I bare my soul just a bit too much, that the whole world doesn't need to know EVERYTHING that I tell them. 

But I will share that it is precisely because she is my mother that I do absolutely everything that I do.

I'll let you come to your own conclusions about why.

Happy Birthday, JoJo.  May you continue to live a long and very happy life. 

It Runs In The Family

HalfNakedRobin really needs to have her own blog.  She's back in Europe...because she's still unemployed and when you're not working, Europe is as good a place as any to holiday...

Hello folks,

I've been having a fantastic time on my holiday and a day hasn't gone by when I didn't wish at some point that you were here to share it with me. I could write a long list of who I have met, the sites, the stories and laughs, all of it but I won't. I've written so much in my journal. We'll have a Guinness and I'll tell you then. It's been loads of fun, of course. I'm wicked lucky!!

What I most want to share is:  Get ye arse to Scotland! 

I am one that favors warm climates and white beaches so this is a huge for me to say! Scotland has friendly folks, great whisky, grand castles, loads of history and crazy weather. It's dog friendly! So much so, there is a dog cemetery at Edinburgh Castle...but it's the natural beauty that won me over.

The landscapes of Scotland grab the imagination. I was walking the dogs at Peter's in the highlands and I looked at the landscape in awe. I was standing at Peter's looking across the Cairngorm National Park dusted in snow. The view extends for miles. The different hues of gray, evergreen and brown were so soothing and bewildering. Property lines and roads are sketched through the munros and glens like a perfect jigsaw puzzle. I'm convinced the estates and castles are scattered for stupefying effect. It seemed I had a view of the entire world from there and I was speechless. Well, the next day I found myself taking a bus journey to St Andrew's through Fife. I had to take a deep breath. The landscape had taken on that of an impressionist painting. Spring has come. There are bright patches of forsythia, cherry blossoms popping, rich green pastures and trees glowing a lemon lime. Thousands of daffodils are poking up on every edge. Overnight I have traveled into a whole new world. As we pull up to the sea in St Andrew's, I have tears welling up in my eyes. I am so happy to be at this spot. I am staring out at the waves. I can hear Vangelis in my head. I can see the opening scene of Chariots of Fire...my all time favorite movie. There I was. I was standing in the waves, mystified with happiness and freezing my arse off ;-) I didn't care how cold I was. I could see the castle on the edge of the sea. That spot is revered to me forever.

How did I leave?

Returning to Brussels, on the train, I met a two fellows from Dundee.  Paul and Rooney, both in their late 30's, taking a few weeks tour through Europe. We chatted it up a little while. They invited me to go to Amsterdam with them, pick up a car and drive to Cologne. I said, are you serious? Paul answered, "quite. you have a contagious laugh and we will have a great tour together, I'm certain."  I said, no I must meet Mark this evening and get back to the states soon. Paul didn't agree. Well, then he paid for my lost train ticket, right on the spot. (I keep losing things. I dropped and left my passport on the plane in Philadelphia.)   Carried my bag , bought me a Juliper, and tried his damnedest to get me on that connecting train to Amsterdam. Today, he says he'll be back to Brussels. He suggested Mark have dinner with us... so Mark can size him up ;-)...then, he'll kidnap me to go onto Cologne. He's already called twice...we'll see...did I mention he's really easy on the eyes ;-)

Too good to be true.

peace and love,
Robinowitz

The Best Defense

greetings from whole foods in cupertino. i'm using their wireless. and eating a lunch they made for me. and enjoying their patio. all good things. i had acupuncture this afternoon and am meeting some women over here for dinner, so i'm basically killing time.

this morning i trained with holly for the marathon. 8 miles! go me. har! but it was the perfect day in santa cruz for training. and holly said that she'll do the big sur marathon with me in april. so once i'm finished with nike in october, i'll keep training with her and we'll do big sur together in april. i like that because then i won't just become the sloth eating bon bons on the couch, you know?

had a lovely evening with dearsweetdave last night. we enjoyed vegan (yeah vegans!) organic ravioli and salad (well, i had a salad...dearsweetdave in his infinite wisdom had cereal.  cereal and ravioli is most certainly a gourmet combination.  just ask any of those fancy chefs on the food network!) and then we watched an episode of weeds. we really do love that show. and we talked.

sleeping wasn't so great because stella threw up the entire contents of her stomach (and it was STINKY) at 4:00 a.m. and dearsweetdave was busy having battles with mosquitoes all night. he is just plagued by mosquitoes. they do not bite me. i'm immune. but poor dave. he's a mosquito magnet. and i'm often awakened to the sight of a naked man standing over my head with his balls hanging quite close to my face swinging wildly like a maniac with a rolled up copy of last week's rolling stone magazine (because, you know, that is the BEST defense against a mosquito) and cursing all while trying to not actually STEP on my head. i try to feign that i'm still asleep, but come on. i challenge any of you to actually stay asleep when you've got naked hairy balls swinging above your head with a naked man attached who is cursing and has turned on every single light in your bedroom and aimed them at the ceiling like kliegel spotlights and the rolled up copy of rolling stone is going thwap thwap thwap on the wall along with the "fuck, missed it" mutterings under his breath.

you just can't really sleep through that.  no matter how hard you try.  trust me.