nakedjen

Clap Clap Clap...The Fair! The Fair! The Fair!

Wings - Check.
Fairy Skirt - Check.
Glitter - Check.

Whatever else I've forgotten, well, I'll just punt.  Or just go naked.  They don't call me NakedJen for nothing, you know.

If you haven't guessed, it's time for the fair.  Or as I say around here, "Clap,clap,clap,clap...The Fair! The Fair! The Fair!"  This is said in the most non-Ann Taylor* high-pitched squeeky little girl voice you can possibly imagine.  Actually imagine that voice and then imagine it as a 36RPM record played at 78RPM's instead.  Now you're getting close to the voice.

LaVonne who was Born Famous is here to take care of Buddha and Stella, lest you believe that I would just leave them here with a big pile of food and bowl of water and tell them to fend for themselves.  As if.  I'd take them to the fair, but dogs are not allowed.  And with good reason.  They'll have a much better time here with LaVonne, anyway.  Beach trips filled with rainbow balls flying through the air.  I think they're the ones who will be tripping.

Meanwhile, their dogmama will be drivedrivedriving for ten hours to her favorite cozy little magical wonderful place in Oregon.  It's her religion.  And no one, not even Mormon Sister NeverNakedBeth, will ever convince her that there's a better religion worth having.

Permagrin's in place.  Glitter spread all around.  It's fair time.  And I've sprouted my wings.

*There are many blog readers who upon meeting me in real life insist that I don't sound like they expected and instead I sound like a woman who works at Ann Taylor.  Can you imagine that?

Sacred Undergarments for Everyone!

The other evening I called NeverNakedBeth to ask her a question about those undergarments that Mormon’s wear.  I was truly wondering to myself when, exactly, Heather and Justin, her children, were going to start wearing them.  Was it something they just decided to do?  Or was there some special moment in a Mormon child’s life, like when a girl gets her period, when they are deemed “ready” by their Lord to don those funny underwear? 

So I called up NeverNakedBeth because when I asked the Oracle this question, aka the Internet, all I came up with were lots of links to what I can only presume are folks who have become disillusioned with the Mormon faith or who were never Mormon’s in the first place and who are now hawking their special underwear on eBay. 

NeverNakedBeth answered the phone and before I could even ask my question, she shot out with “What do you want, NakedJen?” in a really defensive tone.  Now, it’s not like I was calling to ask how many cups of mayonnaise to put in my box chocolate cake mix.  We all know that NakedJen never uses mayonnaise for anything and she doesn’t use box mixes, either.  But my Mormon sister uses both.  I think it’s part of her religion or something.  All I know is that she has a walk-in closet in her basement, people, that is stockpiled with enough mayonnaise and canned green beans and chocolate cake mixes for all of us to eat into the next millennium.  No joke.  If ever there is a mayonnaise shortage, it will be because my sister and her Mormon brethren have decided to horde all of it just in case of impending doom.  Personally, should impending doom show its face, and the choice is take the doom or the mayonnaise and the boxed chocolate cake?  I think I might have to take the doom.  Because honestly, a life of mayo and boxed chocolate cake is not really a life that I’m really willing to live.  Then again, NeverNakedBeth hasn’t even offered to share her Doomsday closet with me.  I have a feeling should impending doom be upon me, I’m going to have to make do with all the herbs I’ve got stashed for my holistic practice and the organic dog food I’ve got stockpiled for the puppies. 

But let’s get back to the underwear.

So I told NeverNakedBeth that I was actually not calling to ask about chocolate cake or about mayonnaise, that I had a very important question.  I wanted to know when her children were going to start wearing the very special Mormon undergarments.  And I told her how the Internet was full of links to folks selling them on eBay.  Well, that bit of news was met with consternation and outrage.

“They can’t be authentic!  Who would do such a thing?!”

“I don’t know, NeverNakedBeth.  I’m just telling you, I can’t find out what age you are when you start wearing them.  Can’t you just tell me?!”

“But whose selling them on eBay.  That’s just not right.  And who would buy them on eBay?  Who wants used Mormon undergarments?  What kind of kinky thing is that?”

Perhaps that Big Love show is creating a bigger stir in the loins of men and women across America, I offered.  Perhaps folks just want to be like the women and men on that show?  I haven’t seen it, but maybe everyone wants some of those undergarments for themselves and if they’re used, they feel they’re holier or more special or something?

“Oh.  It’s just terrible!  That show.  I haven’t seen it, but we all can’t stand it!” 

“You haven’t seen it, but you can’t stand it?  How can you not stand something you haven’t seen?”

“Nakedjen, go to www.lds.org.  It will answer all your questions.  You can’t just choose to wear the undergarments.   You have to be CHOSEN to wear the undergarments.  My kids might never wear them.”

“So even though you and Scott wear them, your kids might not?”

“Nope.  Not unless they make covenants of righteousness in the Temple.” 

NeverNakedBeth wouldn’t elaborate about these covenants.  We often part ways when it comes to talking about anything that has to do with the Temple.  I have quite an issue with the Mormons and their temples because they build these beautiful buildings that are the sacred homes of God and then decide who can and can not enter them.  Even within their own religion.  To me, Nakedjen, my relationship with god, God, goddess, Buddha, whomever I choose to believe in, is a veryveryvery personal one and not one that can be judged by someone other than me.  When NeverNakedBeth was married in the Temple, the Mormon’s would not allow me to attend because I was not, a) Mormon and b) worthy to enter.  There were many fireworks that day at that Temple.  We all know that Nakedjen does not like to be told NO.  Not one bit.

So the answer to my question is that there is no age when a Mormon starts wearing those sacred undergarments.  And some Mormon’s never wear them at all, which is actually more interesting to me. Since both NeverNakedBeth and her husband wear them and they’re really the only Mormon’s I know intimately, I figured ALL Mormon’s wore them. 

But if you want to wear them and get yourself a couple extra wives like that guy on Big Love, eBay has lots of used ones for sale.  The wives you probably can find right here.

 

Putting A Good Thing Out Into The Universe

Magical.  It was simply magical.  I have been told that I say this every single year, but honestly sweartogodandhopetodie, this was the best fair ever.  Absolutely ever.  In all of my seventeen years, this was the one that put the cherry on top of the big hot fudge sundae.  Or maybe it was the one that put the organic chocolate chips in the vegan Clyde's cookies.  It was just full of sweetness and goodness and everything grand. 

Some people cry at weddings.  I most definitely cry at the fair.  It never fails that the moment I walk through the Dragon Entrance and hear the music wafting from the Blue Moon Stage and see all my fine fairy folk swarming about on the paths, I burst into tears.  I get overwhelmed with happiness.  I just know that I have finally come home. 

There were magical and special moments at every turn at this fair.  I saw old friends.  I made new friends.  I sat naked (yes naked) at the Ritz with Andrew Weil and discussed herbs and organics and Dreamsweet and the state of health of our country.  It was such an amazing moment for me and he was really encouraging about the teas and the work that I’m doing.   

DearSweetDave and I met Maid Marian.  This beautiful goddess of a woman who is involved in Burning Man.  She was such a delightful soul and we felt such a heart connection with her.  We talked all about blogging, of all things.  And community.  And how the fair compared to Burning Man (as DearSweetDave and I have never even been!). 

We were able to stay in the fair after closing on Friday night and attend a talk by three wonderful and inspiring counter-culture revolutionaries.  One of them was Stephen Gaskin.  DearSweetDave had never heard him speak before and was really taken (and Stephen was taken with him).  Afterwards, they chatted and I got to gush to Stephen all about his wife, Ina May, and how her book had been the catalyst for my becoming a doula.  He was just completely lovely. 

We saw our old friends Martin and Erin and their adorable kids who have moved from Santa Cruz to Eugene.  It was all quite by accident, but so perfect.  And we connected with our dear friend, Rob, whom we see at the fair every single year and never seem to see anytime else even though he lives in San Francisco. 

I bought DearSweetDave a Utilikilt as an anniversary present and we both had a blast getting fitted.  Those boys in the Utilikilt booth are to be commended for encouraging me to get naked, all the way naked!  We hooked up with both of his sisters and our nephew Jadon off and on and spent time dancing to the music of old favorites and also checking out new bands, as well.  We took a nap in John’s tent on Saturday so we could avoid the sweep and then spent Saturday night checking out the various magical light shows and parts of the annual midnight show. 

I wandered the paths in glitter boots and my fairy wings that took the fair by storm (I had one fair goer tell me that she was going to jump me for my costume) and was even recognized as Nakedjen by a first time fair goer who had been told by my dear neighbor Kath to look for me.  She found me even though I was wearing clothes.

Perhaps my most magical moment came as I was wandering alone past one of the children’s play areas.   Suddenly this radiant child dressed head to toe in purple velvet came swooping towards me and grabbed onto my very full fairy skirt.  She beamed up at me with her large brown eyes and gasped, “You’re the very fairy I dreamed of!”  I quickly asked her what her wish was, but she told me I had already made it come true.  Seeing me, in the flesh, had proved to her that fairies were real.  It took everything I had not to burst into tears.  Children know.  Don’t ever doubt them when it comes to the authenticity of fairies. 

It was the first fair where I chose not to bare my breasts and go naked among the masses.  Imagine that?!  I actually felt kind of like a poser on Sunday as I opted to just wear jeans and a t-shirt (the horrors), but DearSweetDave insisted that I was still going to get noticed and I did get loads of compliments on my pink fuzzy hat.  Go figure.

And the food.  My goodness the food.  Perhaps my ONLY disappointment in the entire weekend was that the Tofu Palace, for whatever reason, decided to close up shop early on Sunday.   I had planned to eat my dinner there on Sunday night, but was sorely disappointed when I found that it was closed and the Tofu Tia was going to just have to be something of my dreams.  I consoled myself with Rising Moon Ravioli that absolutely NEVER disappoints and the closed Tofu Palace actually gave us another opportunity to share hugs and love with Maid Marian, so it was, as brother NakedIan would say, “All Good”. 

Honestly, it’s hard to convey in words just how special and “all good” the entire fair experience was.  I keep telling everyone that they really need to come to the fair to understand.   It’s just something that you have to experience for yourself.  I always tell folks that it’s my religion.  And quite frankly, this year was more like a religious experience than any other.  I was just in such ecstasy the entire time.  A big perma grin on my face.  Floating along, lighter than air.  My heart opened up wide.  Really, really, really wide.