nakedjen

I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

Since it's been a while, you missed the part where we lost Buddha. 

That happened near the very end of March. I held my breath until I couldn't hold it any longer and when I exhaled, he exhaled one last time and graduated the way the best spirits do and went on to do whatever it is that a Buddha will do when he makes his grand exit from his work here tending to my heart and soul.  If I'm truthful and honest, I'll share that I squashed some of my missing of him in order to try to be present for his sister Stella.  She is still here. She needed me to be here for her. She needed my own heart in ways that she had never asked for before because her whole world, her life as she had known it, had also ended in that last exhale.  

Stella is now an only dog.  Not just an only dog, she's my only dog. The one who has my heart wrapped tightly in all the sinews of hers and who carries it gently on her four wobbly paws. Stella is also now clearly dying before me and I am holding my breath and I don't know when I'll be able to exhale.  I'm not ready for her to graduate as much as I know none of this is about me and all of this is about her and the way time continues to march onward even when we do everything in our power to wind the clocks backwards, to bargain with gods we don't really believe in, to cast spells and concoct potions that may keep the inevitable at bay. 

I know that howling at the moon is not going to work, but I am still howling.

*****

While sitting at therapy this afternoon, I surmised that I've got a problem with narcissists. 

A long, sordid affair.  Ugly and abusive in parts.  A rare gift in others. I even uttered that there were moments that were like a symphony they were so beautiful to me. 

One does not just have a problem with narcissists, I realize.  There's obviously a certain personality flaw, some sort of kink in my own hardware, some space where the light doesn't exactly shine through that creates an opportunity or, better yet, an attraction for me.  Or to me.  Or...well, this is why I have a really good therapist. 

I own that have absolutely played my own part in all of this. I'm the writer of the narrative that is my life story. These characters came into my life because I invited them. I'm not an innocent bystander. Yet in owning my story, my history, I need to also own all the parts of it, including those that are difficult to embody.  I threw up today in therapy from the nausea of remembering. 

*****

I know I'm a privileged person to sit here and write on a blog, of all places, about my dead dog, my dying dog and my mental health issues.  

They're connected. 

My dog keeps me on the planet. She helps me to stay present and sane.  Her heart ties my heart here and keeps me from floating too far away.  

I don't know if I'll be able to exhale. 

There's More Than One Way To Have It All

 

"There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors."

 

• What I am reading   Proving that everything that is old is always new again.  Or, perhaps I just got really bored and stopped paying attention and this industry never actually died.  I'm sure there's at least one person who remembers when I worked for Camera Cafe.  I knew this world. It actually was part of the impetus behind #nakedfridays and my own wish for everyone to love themselves as they are.  I'm not surprised that the world is dangerous.  It was then, it can only be more so now.  We forget that people are actually HUMAN BEINGS. 
•   
• What I am eating  I have to make something to take to a party.  Who doesn't like chocolate and caramel?  I mean, some people obviously do not, but I'm pretty certain this will just disappear and I won't have to deal with bringing home leftovers. 

• What I am Listening To Stella is missing her brother. I'm thinking she might even need a heating pad with a heartbeat in it, if I can find such a thing.  She used to sleep wrapped around him and now, well, now she sleeps with her head burrowed under her blankets. Times are tough.  The music helps. 

• What I am watching   Feeding my Gilmore Girls habit. However, it's even better because Amy is not constrained, has a far bigger budget and, well, we get to go on a deep dive without commercials.  Stella joins me on the couch for every episode. Also, the New York Times gives us this fab list of reading material to add to the fun.  

• What I am thinking about The money quote: “I hope — I pray — we don’t have to use this fund,” DeAngelis said. “But odds are we will.”  
  
  What they do not really mention in this article is that the State of Colorado is creating a 501(c), based on the generosity of others, to take care of victims of mass tragedy in their state.  While I know that we're human and we all respond with caring hearts when mass tragedy happens, what bothers me most here is that why not also fund this fund by collecting additional dollars from the sales of guns?  Maybe?? Or does that cross some line drawn in the sand.  Or even with additional fees for gun licenses?  And, yes, I know that most mass tragedies occur at the hands of people who probably had illegal access to guns in the first place.  However, I'm a big believer in helping to make the entire community (in this case gun owners) take responsibility.  
  
  If you're going to need a FUND for the victims of Mass Tragedy and you want people to donate to fund the fund in advance of the tragedy that you know is inevitably going to happen, why not also ask for money from the makers of the guns that will probably also contribute to the tragedy.  It just seems like common sense to me. 

• What I am really feeling: Like I want to throw up. Pleasant, I know. However, it's the truth. And I'd like to think when I read this however long from now in the future that I'll perhaps not feel like throwing up because things will have somehow sorted themselves out.  A girl can hope. 

Like Story Time in Preschool

 

"Our stories don’t fit on a newspaper page. I’m tired of newspaper pages, Elisabeth. Life is a spiral, not a line."

• What I am reading I read my first John Irving novel when I was in high school. Setting Free the Bears is still one of my favourite books although, of course, so many of us have a soft spot in our hearts for Owen Meany and Cider House Rules and Garp. I have read all of his words that are published. I feel a bit about John Irving the way I feel about Tom Robbins. It's almost like putting on your favourite onesie and knowing that there's a hole in the elbow but it doesn't matter, really, because you know exactly how it got there and that it still fits and it is soft and it will keep you cozy while the world burns down around you.
• What I am eating  Tea. Cookies. Couch. Black dog. The rest of you can go get your lives sorted. Or come and join me for tea and cookies on the couch. I'll share.  

• What I am Listening To  Give in to love and just listen. 

• What I am watching  We're bingeing this as a family.  So we only watch every other week when the teenager is actually present.  We're almost caught up and then we'll actually have to wait and watch it in real time with the rest of you! 

• What I am thinking about Last century when the Grateful Dead was still the Grateful Dead and Jerry was still alive, I found myself one evening standing in a parking lot in Sacramento, California just after all the songs had been sung looking at an empty VW Bus that had once held all my worldly possessions.  The VW Bus was not mine, but my backpack that held my life at the time, had been locked inside and while we were inside the venue dancing like hippies dance someone had decided to avail themselves of all the things in the bus and, well, that included my backpack. 
  
  It was the late 80's and so this meant that inside my backpack were things like a big wad of cash from selling my cookies and a checkbook with blank checks and even a plane ticket.  I stood there and cried and felt sorry for myself until NakedIan, who owned the van and had lost far more than I had lost, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Nakedjen, you can stand here and cry or you can think of this like a gift!  Someone else just took all of your problems!" 
  
  It's all about perspective.  The next morning while we were standing in the police station to report that someone had taken all of our stuff from the VW Bus, NakedIan looked at the officer and said, "I mean, honestly, everything! The only thing I have left to my name is this fluffy pink skirt I'm wearing right now."  
  
  When times are tough, I always think about that moment.  Sometimes you find yourself standing in nothing but a pink fluffy skirt and those are the moments when there's nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile. xo

• What I am really feeling: I wish people could be grown-ups and own their own bull shit.  I understand that it's hard to do and I also understand we're making it far easier as a society to award BAD BEHAVIOR.  However, there's no need to be an arrogant asshole. Ever. 
   

Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.

 

"Something is significantly wrong with a world that sacrifices its children’s lives to settle its differences."

 

• What I am reading   Farmers are my friends.  Especially small farmers who grow sustainably and provide food with a mind for not only our bodies but our future and the health of the planet.  Those farmers are the farmers we should be supporting.  You can learn a lot about your own government when you read something like their Farm Bill. Hidden in the pages are exactly what corporate interests want to see and what small farmers never are going to get.  

 

 

• What I am eating  Coconut Apple Ginger Dal. Again. This time with feeling. But, honestly, snow's in the forecast. The air is ugly in Utah. Sustenance is on the menu. 

 

• What I am Listening To  Pitchfork gives us an intimate conversation with musicians we may not actually have heard before. Give a listen with a cuppa. 

• What I am watching  

• What I am thinking about It feels like ages ago, and it is over 15 years ago, when I was blogging regularly, I had imaginary friends whom I loved fiercely and visited regularly at their own blogs. Our blogs were literal portals into our lives at the time and we really were like a small love army who knew one another (or thought we did).  The thing is these were the days before GoFundMe existed and if someone NEEDED something, we just all pitched in and made it happen.  One way or another.  Because it is the season, today I thought of Blue Witch. Who also blessed me with Feast of the Cash Register a very long time ago. She is the one who put it down first and I have whispered it aloud to those who will even bother to listen to me as I fuss about how I do not CELEBRATE THE SEASON. 
  
  I prattle on and on about how I gift in other ways. When I choose to gift. That I'm a stealth elf.  Showing up with just what is needed when it is needed or JUST BECAUSE, not because the calendar has flipped to the day we deign PRESENTS should be presented.  Ahem.  
  
  I'm thrilled that Blue Witch is still blogging. I'm still there in her sidebar as a friend.  Reading her today was, well, good medicine.  FOTCR, indeed. 
  
  P.S.  If you ARE in the mood for giving right now, I will suggest that you participate in THE NINTH ANNUAL JAMES GARFIELD MIRACLE. I do participate every year. It's totally worth it. xo  

• What I am really feeling: In the too much information department, I'm tired of waking up every night at 3:00 a.m. wanting to rip my clothes off and wandering the house like a mad woman.  Why haven't women told each other about menopause and all the things that happen to our bodies when it happens?? Why?!?!? What purpose does it serve to keep all of this a secret? I feel like there's some big conspiracy that says, "Right, let's not talk about THIS!!"   
  
  Well, I'm here now. I've arrived. So you know what?  I'm going to talk all about it.  

I don't know why it's been so long

"Pleasures
First look from morning's window
The rediscovered book
Fascinated faces
Snow, the change of the seasons
The newspaper
The dog
Dialectics
Showering, swimming
Old music
Comfortable shoes
Comprehension
New music
Writing, planting
Traveling
Singing
Being friendly" 
— Bertolt Brecht 

• What I am reading A million years ago, I was fortunate enough to stumble into a theatre on a very cold February night in East Berlin and see a performance of this play. That same year, I also saw it performed with breathtaking brilliance by none other than Dame Judi Dench in the title role at the Barbican Theatre in London. That cast also included Zoe Wanamaker and Tilda Swinton (and I saw the play, not joking, for like $5 because, well, London 1984).  All this to say that it still speaks to us now, just as it did then, perhaps even more so.  Mother Courage lost all her children in the war. We're still losing the battle. As humans, I am afraid, we may never actually learn that our past is prologue. 

• What I am eating  Ultimate comfort food. It's FREEZING in SLC right now. Big pot of this. It lasts. My professor is missing (not really, but he is not here this week) and this warms up and allows me to eat quickly after working all day at the clinic and dashing to other evening activities. 

• What I am Listening To  You pulled me up when you took my hand/There was silence in my heart/And now I'm striking up the band/They lit the bonfire but now we can light the lamp. Dirty Projectors latest release, Lamp Lit Prose, is a testament to everything that made me fall in love with them many years ago and remember that they're just good medicine for me. They're quirky, they're not everyone's favourite, but they're one of mine. 

• What I am watching  Rickey Jackson served nearly 40 years in an Ohio prison on death row for a crime he did not commit. He shares part of his story. 

• What I am thinking about When the powers that be decided to scrap the Medical Marijuana proposition that the good people of Utah voted for and passed, they also scrapped edibles along with it.  And with that, they scrapped my own plans to relaunch Dreamsweet Organics as a medicinal edibles company.  It is no secret that I have been also talking about how someone should actually come up with a CBD infused KOMBUCHA, so, hey, I'm glad to see that Dave was already thinking about this and was working away at it.  I also can't help but smile that he's calling this product DREAM CATCHER. Ahem. I've been aligned with this company since it was just one single offering on a shelf in small independent health food stores. I'm proud of his success. I honored to have been a part of it.
  
  And...I'm also still very angry at my so-called representatives in the state of Utah for preventing the citizens from having what they actually wanted in the name of Jesus Christ our Saviour, Amen.  Eventually this state will learn that democracy is not spelled MORMON. 

• What I am really feeling: Frustrated.  Introverted, as well.  I'm supposed to be at a party right this minute.  I didn't go because I decided pajamas and warm socks and a big black dog sitting in my lap were far more my style right now. I know, shocking. 
   

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.

You have a high calling etched into your bones and written on your heart. You are made of stardust and magic and the tears of unicorns. You were made to explore, to share and to love. I love you, the most, and I'm so glad that I get to share this ride around the sun with you. 

• What I am reading From a small town in West Virginia, a shocking story that we believe we have heard before of police and lethal force. This is not the same story and it worth the time it will take you to read it. 

• What I am eating  Since the trip to Bali last May, my tastebuds have wanted more and more coconut. All the ways. This soup works and it's easy to make. 

• What I am Listening To I listen to this a lot. At work. Because troubled times mean I need music that keeps my head from exploding off my shoulders. This music does just that for me. It may do that for you, as well. I don't know? I appreciate that Moby gave it to us for free. 

• What I am watching  Sandra Bland's message was that we need to listen to one another. Indeed. We absolutely do. I will watch. I will listen.  I never believed that she committed suicide. I want to know more, I hope that this documentary will allow all of us to listen and learn and also, perhaps, allow Sandra's fight for social justice to go on. 

• What I am thinking about I worked hard to both get Prop 2 on the ballot in Utah and to get it passed. The THEOCRACY that rules this state dismantled what the voters passed on election day. I am angry that the voice of the people has been squashed under a very heavy BOOK OF MORMON. Do I want to know if the dispensary will offer medicinal green jellies with carrots in them? Not really, no. I don't want to know that. I'm actually furious. The states of Nevada and Colorado must be rejoicing at our stupidity. 

• What I am really feeling: Grateful. I was certain I was going to have a grand mal seizure earlier, so I got myself into a chair at the acupuncture clinic, had the needles put in just the right places and released the Kraken before I flopped onto the floor. I have such a beautiful team of healers that take such amazing care of me.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, should be so blessed. 
   

Snow is Falling

I'm not ready to be old yet. 

• What I am reading I honestly have not been paying any attention and had no idea that Instagram was such a money-making machine that it has created a cottage industry of apps to create more money for the money makers! 


• What I am eating  Well, not exactly right this minute. But I am thinking that it would be fun to host a party with the professor. Something for everyone and the pancakes can just keep coming!


• What I am listening to I've been listening to this since before JVN sprung into our collective consciousness in the revamped Queer Eye. Jonathan is generous, he's fun, and he is curious about lots of really interesting things! 


• What I am watching  Truly escapist television for me. More like watching a film, each evening, about deplorable people with deplorable problems that do nothing to make me feel better about myself or the world, but do allow me not to think really at all for a little while. 

• What I am thinking about Do we meet at The Gorge or Boulder or do we also go to Wrigley, too. I know, I know, Jerry is still dead. 

• What I am really feeling: Lonely, cold, and a little bit sad. It's December, it's snowing and I don't do well when the days get shorter.