a. over the past 5 days, i've seen 3 doctors. 4 if you count my acupuncturist, but who is really counting? i honestly have not been myself since, well, i'm not even certain when all of this started? maybe when i got back from the trip to thailand? maybe then? maybe after Sundance? i certainly kind of sucked it up and felt myself during Sundance, but it was a slippery slope and i definitely clung on to every single solitary hug and smile and interaction during that festival as if they were lifebuoys drifting by just to keep me afloat. the other days, the days not counted in the festival days, the inbetween times, i have felt like i've been sitting on the bottom of the ocean looking up through the murky dirty waters holding my breath and waiting for that moment when i might, just might, float back to the top.
it's been awful. and i feel awful even writing about it here because, let's face it, putting it into words and telling anyone else about it means that these feelings are real. while i'm sitting there on the bottom of the ocean, looking up, holding my breath, trying to find my mojo to just SWIM, damn it, i also remind myself just how very fucking privileged i am and that i really need to stop with the ache in my chest and get over myself and, you know, stop with all this languishing. i make promises to myself and bargains and then immediately break them and then make excuses and then decide that i'll do better tomorrow and then, well, i don't and there i am staring up at my ceiling trying to gamify my own life and this is not going to end well is it?
b. the doctors stuck me and prodded me and told me there's nothing wrong with me. except, perhaps, that i eat too much. i kind of laughed at that because i hardly eat anything except beets, arugula, espresso and kombucha, but...i suppose even those things can comprise too many calories if you're the size of a gnome and not the size of the jolly green giant. i was told to stop consuming so many calories. ahem. i swirled about the drain with this for about 48 hours and then decided that i will just eat whatever it is i want to eat, thank you very much. as a person who already has disordered eating and thinking, i can't be told to just STOP eating so many calories. i'll get dogmatic about it and just stop eating completely because i'll be determined to be the valedictorian of not eating. i believe, but i'm not certain, that not eating is not a helpful way to find my way to the surface. i'll just keep eating the beets.
c. is there a c? oh, yes. i don't feel useful. i think that's the biggest quandary here. i need a bigger purpose. or project. or...i don't know?? there are so very many of you out there that i love and support who are quite honestly changing lives and making this world a much better place. every.single.day. and what am i doing? languishing. sigh.
i fully admit (100%) that this entire post is the kind that makes you want to slap me upside the head and say: DUDE! SNAP OUT OF IT! and i kind of need someone, somewhere to just show up and do that. this (c) is where i tell you that i have passed up on a few opportunities in the past month because of mental health AND financial reasons and i am so damn tired of saying no and it is time for me to turn that beat around. or beet as it were. it feels like every morning i get reminded that tomorrow is not promised. if i don't say YES right now, no one else is ever going to say it for me. i understand that grief is a bitch, but this is not that. or i don't think it is? a good dose of YES and showing up and embodiment would definitely help.
d. i may have forgotten how. i'm actually serious. i might just have to fake it. and i don't like faking it. we all know that.
