nakedjen

How It Started....How It Is Going

This parade is for every one of us who got chosen last for the kickball team.

It is for seven year old me who played by herself on the playground during recess.

It is for that small child in all of us who always struck out at bat, never got the ball in the basket, rode her bike to school, but never won a race.

It is for all of us who were never quite good enough for Varsity sports teams in school because we were just too damn slow, not quite tall enough, too clumsy and not a good *fit*.

It is for the ones who finish last, but still finish because you are not going to not finish. You always finish what you start.

It is for those of us, the survivors, (of #allthethings) who after trauma somehow choose to still show up.

This is for every one of you. For your unbridled joy. The world needs your joy more than ever right now.

This is me on the day the #Peloton arrived. I knew I needed it. I had no idea how much. 

For 365 days in a row, somehow, some way, I chose me and I chose to be here, on this bike, every.single.day.

In a year robbed of every ritual I had ever known before, the handlebars held me up, absorbed my grit and my sweat and my grief, allowed me to remember that being human is being really messy and taught me with grace that the one thing in this world I can control is actually being right here, breathing in and out, one two one two, on the bike that goes absolutely nowhere but has taken me to places I never knew I needed to even go.

Exactly 365 days later. This is me. Hopping off the bike after doing exactly the same ride I had done the very first day the bike arrived.  My improvement and transformation speak for themselves, but honestly, I am so very grateful for the community I found while sitting here on this bike that goes nowhere. 

 

 

 

I learned what everyone else already knew.

Movement really is medicine.

It's always been more than a bike.

Showing up with my love goggles and my sparkles to celebrate just being ALIVE. It's been a very long year. 

 

Together we go far.

Here's to another 365 days.

One blue dot at a time.

 

If you want to join in the fun with me, you can find me, as with everything as #nakedjen on the leaderboard on the bike that goes nowhere.  Also, if you'd like to purchase one for yourself you can use this discount code GUYQYU to receive $100 of accessories for the bike (or tread) at purchase.  I used it when I purchased to get a mat for under the bike, shoes AND weights and honestly that made my commitment to ME that much greater.  

If there is peace in your mind, you will find peace with everybody.

My Whole Foods market is a maze these days.  

In order to keep all of us from actually bumping into one another and to maintain the required social distance, there are physical barriers where there were once aisles. There walls of soda and beer and chocolate bars and haphazardly stocked HydroFlasks meant to be visual cues that send you this way and that as if we're all experimental rats searching for the proverbial cheese. 

The cheese I wanted today was my Tulsi Tea.  If it were not for the chocolate wall in my way, I would have found it immediately, but no, I was not allowed to go that way and so instead had to go up and down a bunch of other aisles to retrieve it.  Whole Foods is the only store in my area that sells this tea, otherwise I probably wouldn't don my mask to make the effort. 

I used my rat instincts to find my way back to the check-out.  The kind woman who was working the till shared that she also loved this particular tea.  Through our masks we shared war stories of the pandemic and how the tea was actually what was getting us through it.  My muffled voice saying, "It has kept the demon dreams at bay..."  and then she replied, "Oh, yes.  Exactly.  I'm so glad that I'm not the only one." 

No.  I do not think a single one of us is the only one.  Not at all.  

Chlorophytum Comosum

When I left, I gently squeezed you between the two front seats of the car.  I felt really lucky that there was even space for you there. Every time my elbow knocked you, I'd apologize, as if I could hear you complain about being stuck right there in that tiny space meant only for coffee and spare change.  You were far more important to me than spare change and coffee.  You'd been around since the days when I said hello to Santa Cruz and now, well, now you were there when I was saying goodbye.  A silent witness to every single day of my upside-down life. 

There are no magic words I can conjure up now to bring you back from the brink. 

I put you up on that ledge when we moved from that house to this house because I thought, right, it will be sunny and there will be less chance you'll be bothered by things.  What things, I don't even know, honestly? Just things. You know THINGS.  I wanted you to have a vantage point where you could just be...happy.  Up there.  Out of the way, I suppose, if I'm being the most honest with you.  With myself.  With all of us.

So up there, out of the way, above my head, where you wouldn't be bothered, where I did not notice you but you could see everything about me, I forget all about you and I let you die. 

Or nearly die.  

I'm sorry I left you alone.  I'm sorry I forgot about you.  You deserved better than me. 

You deserve better. Than. Me. 

****

When's the last time you took a drink of water?

How often am I asked that when I spit angry words at someone when they ask me about my day? 

Is it as simple as a long, cool drink of water?  

Water and we will be okay?

Words won't keep you from dying.  Water, though, water might just keep you here to witness what comes next. 

Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.

 

"Something is significantly wrong with a world that sacrifices its children’s lives to settle its differences."

 

• What I am reading   Farmers are my friends.  Especially small farmers who grow sustainably and provide food with a mind for not only our bodies but our future and the health of the planet.  Those farmers are the farmers we should be supporting.  You can learn a lot about your own government when you read something like their Farm Bill. Hidden in the pages are exactly what corporate interests want to see and what small farmers never are going to get.  

 

 

• What I am eating  Coconut Apple Ginger Dal. Again. This time with feeling. But, honestly, snow's in the forecast. The air is ugly in Utah. Sustenance is on the menu. 

 

• What I am Listening To  Pitchfork gives us an intimate conversation with musicians we may not actually have heard before. Give a listen with a cuppa. 

• What I am watching  

• What I am thinking about It feels like ages ago, and it is over 15 years ago, when I was blogging regularly, I had imaginary friends whom I loved fiercely and visited regularly at their own blogs. Our blogs were literal portals into our lives at the time and we really were like a small love army who knew one another (or thought we did).  The thing is these were the days before GoFundMe existed and if someone NEEDED something, we just all pitched in and made it happen.  One way or another.  Because it is the season, today I thought of Blue Witch. Who also blessed me with Feast of the Cash Register a very long time ago. She is the one who put it down first and I have whispered it aloud to those who will even bother to listen to me as I fuss about how I do not CELEBRATE THE SEASON. 
  
  I prattle on and on about how I gift in other ways. When I choose to gift. That I'm a stealth elf.  Showing up with just what is needed when it is needed or JUST BECAUSE, not because the calendar has flipped to the day we deign PRESENTS should be presented.  Ahem.  
  
  I'm thrilled that Blue Witch is still blogging. I'm still there in her sidebar as a friend.  Reading her today was, well, good medicine.  FOTCR, indeed. 
  
  P.S.  If you ARE in the mood for giving right now, I will suggest that you participate in THE NINTH ANNUAL JAMES GARFIELD MIRACLE. I do participate every year. It's totally worth it. xo  

• What I am really feeling: In the too much information department, I'm tired of waking up every night at 3:00 a.m. wanting to rip my clothes off and wandering the house like a mad woman.  Why haven't women told each other about menopause and all the things that happen to our bodies when it happens?? Why?!?!? What purpose does it serve to keep all of this a secret? I feel like there's some big conspiracy that says, "Right, let's not talk about THIS!!"   
  
  Well, I'm here now. I've arrived. So you know what?  I'm going to talk all about it.  

I don't know why it's been so long

"Pleasures
First look from morning's window
The rediscovered book
Fascinated faces
Snow, the change of the seasons
The newspaper
The dog
Dialectics
Showering, swimming
Old music
Comfortable shoes
Comprehension
New music
Writing, planting
Traveling
Singing
Being friendly" 
— Bertolt Brecht 

• What I am reading A million years ago, I was fortunate enough to stumble into a theatre on a very cold February night in East Berlin and see a performance of this play. That same year, I also saw it performed with breathtaking brilliance by none other than Dame Judi Dench in the title role at the Barbican Theatre in London. That cast also included Zoe Wanamaker and Tilda Swinton (and I saw the play, not joking, for like $5 because, well, London 1984).  All this to say that it still speaks to us now, just as it did then, perhaps even more so.  Mother Courage lost all her children in the war. We're still losing the battle. As humans, I am afraid, we may never actually learn that our past is prologue. 

• What I am eating  Ultimate comfort food. It's FREEZING in SLC right now. Big pot of this. It lasts. My professor is missing (not really, but he is not here this week) and this warms up and allows me to eat quickly after working all day at the clinic and dashing to other evening activities. 

• What I am Listening To  You pulled me up when you took my hand/There was silence in my heart/And now I'm striking up the band/They lit the bonfire but now we can light the lamp. Dirty Projectors latest release, Lamp Lit Prose, is a testament to everything that made me fall in love with them many years ago and remember that they're just good medicine for me. They're quirky, they're not everyone's favourite, but they're one of mine. 

• What I am watching  Rickey Jackson served nearly 40 years in an Ohio prison on death row for a crime he did not commit. He shares part of his story. 

• What I am thinking about When the powers that be decided to scrap the Medical Marijuana proposition that the good people of Utah voted for and passed, they also scrapped edibles along with it.  And with that, they scrapped my own plans to relaunch Dreamsweet Organics as a medicinal edibles company.  It is no secret that I have been also talking about how someone should actually come up with a CBD infused KOMBUCHA, so, hey, I'm glad to see that Dave was already thinking about this and was working away at it.  I also can't help but smile that he's calling this product DREAM CATCHER. Ahem. I've been aligned with this company since it was just one single offering on a shelf in small independent health food stores. I'm proud of his success. I honored to have been a part of it.
  
  And...I'm also still very angry at my so-called representatives in the state of Utah for preventing the citizens from having what they actually wanted in the name of Jesus Christ our Saviour, Amen.  Eventually this state will learn that democracy is not spelled MORMON. 

• What I am really feeling: Frustrated.  Introverted, as well.  I'm supposed to be at a party right this minute.  I didn't go because I decided pajamas and warm socks and a big black dog sitting in my lap were far more my style right now. I know, shocking. 
   

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.

You have a high calling etched into your bones and written on your heart. You are made of stardust and magic and the tears of unicorns. You were made to explore, to share and to love. I love you, the most, and I'm so glad that I get to share this ride around the sun with you. 

• What I am reading From a small town in West Virginia, a shocking story that we believe we have heard before of police and lethal force. This is not the same story and it worth the time it will take you to read it. 

• What I am eating  Since the trip to Bali last May, my tastebuds have wanted more and more coconut. All the ways. This soup works and it's easy to make. 

• What I am Listening To I listen to this a lot. At work. Because troubled times mean I need music that keeps my head from exploding off my shoulders. This music does just that for me. It may do that for you, as well. I don't know? I appreciate that Moby gave it to us for free. 

• What I am watching  Sandra Bland's message was that we need to listen to one another. Indeed. We absolutely do. I will watch. I will listen.  I never believed that she committed suicide. I want to know more, I hope that this documentary will allow all of us to listen and learn and also, perhaps, allow Sandra's fight for social justice to go on. 

• What I am thinking about I worked hard to both get Prop 2 on the ballot in Utah and to get it passed. The THEOCRACY that rules this state dismantled what the voters passed on election day. I am angry that the voice of the people has been squashed under a very heavy BOOK OF MORMON. Do I want to know if the dispensary will offer medicinal green jellies with carrots in them? Not really, no. I don't want to know that. I'm actually furious. The states of Nevada and Colorado must be rejoicing at our stupidity. 

• What I am really feeling: Grateful. I was certain I was going to have a grand mal seizure earlier, so I got myself into a chair at the acupuncture clinic, had the needles put in just the right places and released the Kraken before I flopped onto the floor. I have such a beautiful team of healers that take such amazing care of me.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, should be so blessed. 
   

You Get Free Healthcare!

I have a plan for healthcare for everyone. It involves legalization of marijuana for the entire country. It also involves farmers growing hemp instead of corn. AND...free college for everyone, too.

It solves a whole BUNCH of problems and it's sustainable and there's profit. But, you know, it actually takes care of people and gives them a choice AND provides for everyone, including the disabled, the poor, our veterans, those addicted to other substances and, even those of us who may not have won the GOOD HEALTH LOTTERY.

But, you know, it actually takes care of people. So it's a BAD THING. Plus, marijuana. Never going to happen.

Resistance is futile if you're already dead.

This morning, without my even touching it, or breathing on it, or glancing in its direction, my little phone that could, died. Pfft. 

I sighed loudly. Then said to the dogs, because they listen to me better than any human, "Fuck. Mercury must be retrograde." 

It isn't. Not yet. But it's about to be. Which means all those things that are already causing my own head to explode off its shoulders (are they causing your head to explode off your shoulders, too?) are about to make it doubly so and I may need to hide out in a pillow fort of very, very soft cushions for a while with no access to anything electrical. Or mechanical. Or perhaps even human. Just me and dogs and some dark leafy greens and beet juice for the duration.

What are all of you doing for self-care during these times of awful news every seventeen minutes? 

I'll share what I'm doing.

Lots of walks. The dogs and I are walking and walking and walking.  They seem to be enjoying it. We stop and talk to strangers that we meet along the way. We also like that because, well, we like meeting the people who actually live here. 

Listening to GOOD news. This isn't as easy as it sounds. However, I've found a few podcasts that provide good stories and I have quite enjoyed having them at the ready. Especially on those days when it seems like the world just might end in the next sixteen seconds.

Turning off all social media at 6:00 p.m. Period. Breaks from media, all of it, are good for your head. And your heart. And your psychological make-up, if you're anything like me.

Hot baths. I never really liked baths. Until now. Now? Now I fill the tub with epsom salts and light incense and play the podcast or some mix of fun tunes and soak and erase my head. 

Acupuncture. Twice weekly. I swear to god this is what is keeping me on the planet. And my own head on my shoulders. I am not sure I'd still be here without it.

Massage. Twice a month. Deep tissue and craniosacral. Because, again, the stress and tension is real. 

Pilates. I just added this in. I've discovered it works. I feel far more IN my own body rather than OUTSIDE my own body, as a result. It's working muscle groups I didn't even know I actually had or could isolate. It's helped me heal deep wounds. It's a good thing for the resistance. 

Drinking lots of water. Lots and lots of water. To flush out all the bad and replace it with lots of new.

Volunteer work. I'm showing up. I'm participating. I actively resisting where I can and using my voice in constructive ways. I'm listening to the opposition and trying to figure out how we can work together instead of just saying no. Because, honestly, the runway for our planet is only getting shorter. There are small children who live here. They deserve far better than what we're currently giving to them. We inherited a much better planet that what we're leaving behind. Is that fair? I do not think it is.

Loving my neighbours. With abandon. Without judgment. Sharing my heart with them and trying to find the common ground. Because, again, time and the runway are short. We've got to figure all of this out together and standing on opposite sides of a broken fence complaining about it is not going to help mend it. 

Breathing. That's probably the most important. I'm just trying to remember to breathe. I catch myself holding my breath. A lot. And it isn't good. I am trying to be conscious and to stop waiting to exhale. Resistance is futile if you're already dead. 

You know, breathing? You have to do it in order to actually live and show up and participate and volunteer and listen and love and take your dogs on walks.

Even when Mercury is retrograde.

 

What is it that you're doing? I want to know.