nakedjen

How It Started....How It Is Going

This parade is for every one of us who got chosen last for the kickball team.

It is for seven year old me who played by herself on the playground during recess.

It is for that small child in all of us who always struck out at bat, never got the ball in the basket, rode her bike to school, but never won a race.

It is for all of us who were never quite good enough for Varsity sports teams in school because we were just too damn slow, not quite tall enough, too clumsy and not a good *fit*.

It is for the ones who finish last, but still finish because you are not going to not finish. You always finish what you start.

It is for those of us, the survivors, (of #allthethings) who after trauma somehow choose to still show up.

This is for every one of you. For your unbridled joy. The world needs your joy more than ever right now.

This is me on the day the #Peloton arrived. I knew I needed it. I had no idea how much. 

For 365 days in a row, somehow, some way, I chose me and I chose to be here, on this bike, every.single.day.

In a year robbed of every ritual I had ever known before, the handlebars held me up, absorbed my grit and my sweat and my grief, allowed me to remember that being human is being really messy and taught me with grace that the one thing in this world I can control is actually being right here, breathing in and out, one two one two, on the bike that goes absolutely nowhere but has taken me to places I never knew I needed to even go.

Exactly 365 days later. This is me. Hopping off the bike after doing exactly the same ride I had done the very first day the bike arrived.  My improvement and transformation speak for themselves, but honestly, I am so very grateful for the community I found while sitting here on this bike that goes nowhere. 

 

 

 

I learned what everyone else already knew.

Movement really is medicine.

It's always been more than a bike.

Showing up with my love goggles and my sparkles to celebrate just being ALIVE. It's been a very long year. 

 

Together we go far.

Here's to another 365 days.

One blue dot at a time.

 

If you want to join in the fun with me, you can find me, as with everything as #nakedjen on the leaderboard on the bike that goes nowhere.  Also, if you'd like to purchase one for yourself you can use this discount code GUYQYU to receive $100 of accessories for the bike (or tread) at purchase.  I used it when I purchased to get a mat for under the bike, shoes AND weights and honestly that made my commitment to ME that much greater.  

I Don't Know What It Means

“Whoa, that’s a full rainbow. All the way. Double rainbow. Oh, my God. Double rainbow all the way, it’s so intense, Whoa! Oh my God! Oh my God! What does this mean? Too much. I don’t know what it means.” 

Rest in peace, Hungrybear9562. Your spirit and your magic and your awe always gave me giggles.  You inspired me in so many ways and your hugs (oh the hugs) were some of the most generous.  Thank you for sharing all of you with all of us in such beautiful sweet magnificent heart first head last ways. 

I always hear your voice in all the rainbows, now I will see you in all of them, as well.  

 

Now more than ever, I hope we'll all look into the mirror and look into our souls.  xo

Mother of Dragonflies

As I wandered through Phuttamonthon relishing in the small gardens and the lush greenery and getting lost along the paths that led along canals full of fish of all kinds while the air was pulsing with the smell of sweet jasmine, I kept thinking..."I should have brought Buddha.  This would be a grand place for him."    

I know, I know. I'm still carrying around my dead dog in the creases of my heart reserved for just that kind of thing.  Resting places for dead dogs to call upon when you need comfort.  Even while I thought those VERY WORDS, I also admonished myself because I left Buddha in the temple, specifically, at Burning Man, as well as in temples and shrines all over the world *last year* after he graduated.  He's well enshrined, well honored, well remembered.  He's also back sharing my pillow with me every night, let's not forget.


Still...

Just as I reached the tall standing Buddha in the center of the park, again lamenting the absence of my own Buddha, I received a text from my professor asking if I was at "Buddha's Headquarters?"  Meaning, yes, the dog.  I will be the first to admit that we have anthropomorphed the dog into a god, but aren't all dogs gods to some degree to those of us who are lucky to share our hearts with them? 

I was about to reply to him when, out of nowhere, seven dragonflies appeared.  

Dragonflies. 

Of course.

When Buddha died last year, dragonflies appeared.  In late March in Utah.  Dragonflies would appear whenever I walked Stella. In the snow in the middle of the city. At bus stops. Where dragonflies do not fly.  There they were. Choosing to alight on her tail and on my fingers. They were everywhere while I was out at Burning Man. Flying through our little camp. Choosing to land in my hair. There was even an art installation of the life and death of dragonflies.  I chose, because of all of this, not even *knowing* that he'd return so soon, to incorporate a dragonfly into the tattoo story that graces my left arm.  A reminder that we are all light and can reflect light in powerful ways if we choose to do so. 

Dragonflies.  Dead dogs.  Buddhas.  Transformation.  

Sometimes, you travel halfway around the world to find the center of your own heart and plant your feet firmly back on the planet.  

On the wings of a dragonfly, if you're brave enough to hold on. 

 

“A positive mind find opportunity in everything. A negative mind finds faults in everything.” -Buddha

After taking a taxi to what we believed to be a hip night market that might provide some fun opportunities for street food, what we found was a wishful spot where someday, yes, there will be a hip night market, but last night there were maybe seventeen folks gathered together and the most exciting thing happening was the dogs who had figured out that table scraps may be available if they just hung out long enough.

So...we wandered to what we had gathered from the information available was a 24-hour mall.  We walked past all sorts of street food vendors and while I wasn't opposed to stopping at any of them, plucking a seat and asking to eat, the visible food available was definitely of the dead corpse variety slaughtered and prepped in a myriad of ways and I wasn't exactly certain how either of our vegetarian stomachs were going to respond?  We trudged on.  

When we reached mall it was dark, empty, and felt abandoned.  Almost like an amusement park where everyone had gone, but left just a few safety lights on.  Out of one restaurant, a woman appeared who asked us, in impeccable English, if we were hungry?  Yes. She pointed us to a corner restaurant that she claimed would feed us DimSum. 

We wandered over to the spot she had suggested, got inside, sat down, looked at the menus provided and realized both that we were unable to read them because of the exceptionally tiny print, but also they were in Thai and while we're doing our best not to be horrible tourists, we're still not the best kinds of tourists, either.  Together we struggled, guessing we'd just go for it and then, like a vision, the woman appeared again!  And asked us what it was that we really wanted??  

I expressed to her that she was, truly, an angel.  The ambassador of all of Bangkok.  She surmised that what we needed was some noodles with lots of delicious vegetables (this was no where on the menu!) and chrysanthemum tea and she told us just to relax, she'd be back.  With that, she vanished.  Not ten minutes later, two delectable plates of steaming noodles and vegetables appeared out of thin air.  Right in front of us. 

If this had not actually happened to us, I never would have believed it.  There we were in a deserted shopping mall.  Just us.  The lights were all off.  The whole space is under renovation.  But in the best possible way, food appeared and we were fed. 

It turns out the Dee (that's her name) is the GM of the mall.  It is under renovation and isn't set to re-open until August. However, she also knew we were hungry and should be fed.  I shared with her that she was one of us.   A love beet.  I promised her that I would be back.  I'm taking her some pins and stickers to make her official.  

It isn't always about the outside, this traveling to experience new cultures, to see the world with fresh eyes. Oh no, especially for me.  It is about the inside.  The hearts that crash into one another with instant recognition and the love, always the love that bubbles up from the collision.

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Photo by The Professor

It has been one week since Clyde found me and decided that he was here to stay.
One week.

It's also, just so we're all clear, been three weeks since Stella graduated and it's still less than a year since Buddha also graduated and so, well, my heart is kind of mixed up about all of this loss and gain and dogs crossing over and back again.

However, I must admit I am the luckiest dogma in the entire world. Clyde is, truly, the blessing I needed most right this second and I'm so grateful for all his puppy energy and that he chose to find his way to me.

When he arrived last week he was 10 months old of unbridled untrained Labrador insanity.

I'm happy to tell you that he is also incredibly smart and compliant and remembers everything you teach him, pretty much on the first try.

Labradors, like most dogs, are dogs that thrive on routine. And consistency. And lots and lots of love. I'm big on love.

Clyde has learned lots of manners in his first week. He had a vet visit on Monday, was neutered on Tuesday, has had to stay *quiet* and adjust to his crate for parts of each day the rest of this week and he's managed all of it without any real fuss. He's figured out that we only go to the bathroom outside and how to tell me when he needs to go, he's learned how to walk nicely on a leash (thank you HALTI) and to wait at every crosswalk and corner before we cross and also to allow all people to go in and out of doors before he does.

Honestly, in one week this is a lot of learning for a puppy. I'm hoping he'll continue all of this so he can be a truly good canine citizen.

Those of us who love our dogs, really LOVE our dogs. We're sometimes quick to make excuses for their bad behaviour. However, dogs with bad behaviour are not just a problem not just for their owners, but for our whole society. They give all the dogs a bad rep.  Then again, we all know what it is really about is how well the dogs have trained their humans. All the very BEST dogs know that if they've done their job right, they've got a good human trained to fluff the pillows just so, make certain their beds are all exactly how they like them, cook them delicious breakfasts and dinners, serve a tennis ball in just the right way across a long empty field and always a pocket full of the very best treats.  These dogs have trained their humans to share the couch, share the bed, but most of all share their hearts unconditionally.  Those are the very best dog citizens. 

It's just been one week. So far, Clyde is doing well to show up and be the very best dog he possibly can. 

No One Will Ever Believe You

OG Clyde

Clyde was from Colorado.

I wonder how many of you actually know that?

Just days after Gatsby died in a snowbank in my arms (I really thought I'd have Gatsby forever, until I got Clyde), like maybe three days I think, Than showed up on my sister's doorstep in Provo, Utah with a weeks old black lab mix puppy he had adopted for me.  It probably surprises no one else but me that when my very best dog (up until that moment he really was) died in my arms I sought refuge in Utah, but that is exactly what I did.  I bolted from Steamboat Springs where I had been living with a gaggle of boys on the side of a snowy ski mountain and wailed into a pillow under the covers in her guest bedroom in the dark. 

Until Than showed up to retrieve my heart and carry me back to me, back to Colorado ever so gently on the four paws of a black lab.

At another time in my life, another time when I felt that perhaps the Universe just wasn't actually hearing me, or I wasn't listening to what the Universe was saying is probably more the truth of the matter, I was on the precipice of abandoning my community in Santa Cruz, literally stepping into what may have been my last road trip on this planet (for all I know, honestly) to move myself to Boulder. Things just were that unhappy and sad and not good for me and I was certain that a geographical fix was going to be the perfect answer. That Clyde and I should call Boulder home.

A phone call, a last minute dream about furniture placement, changed all of that and instead of Boulder, we both ended up in a small cabin in the woods in Bonny Doon. 

It is impossible to know what might have been.

I did live in Boulder, once.  In a hobbit house.  I also lived in Colorado Springs, quite by accident, for all the wrong reasons with all the wrong boys doing all the very wrong things. 

That was before Clyde. 

Clyde was from Colorado, but he never actually lived in Colorado with me.

He lived in all the other spaces and places. Until he decided that it was time to graduate and we all remember how he glowed, literally, and transformed and took his final breath and moved through me and and then…

Then there was Buddha. And Stella. The dogs that changed my whole world. Turned it from upside down to right side up even if I was uncertain that I had been living upside down to begin with, the dogs knew how to right my world and fix things that I never understood needed fixing.

They were superglue for my broken heart. Mending it with dog slobber and keeping me on this planet, right here, often when I was certain I was going to float away like small particles of dust.  Those dogs. Both of them with separate and unique purposes.  Those dogs.  Forcing me to face all that I never knew I actually needed to be and should be in this world.

Buddha and Stella

Those dogs. Repairing me. Showing up for me and teaching me exactly how I need to show up for others in this world.  If you’re not going to actually show up heart first, what is the point of showing up at all?  If you’re not prepared to love like it’s your job, your only job, you might want to re-think why you’re choosing to love at all.  These were the lessons those dogs, Buddha and Stella, taught me best over the last 14 years.  We walked thousands of miles together and found ourselves, somehow, in Utah, the place where Clyde had found me and with my own heart and soul mended and love found, Buddha and Stella also graduated to their next grand adventure.

I will admit I didn’t believe I was ready. I am never ready.  Not for that goodbye. Not to be the girl who lost both dogs. The dogs who taught me to love fiercely and first and with my heart bare and always ready to give.  To give all the balls back and share all my sandwiches with whomever asked. The girl who would now always say yes because that's just what we do. We say yes because yes allows for all the possibilities. 

I also wasn’t ready for what happened next. I am uncertain even the very best of us who love dogs the most would be ready for what happened next.

Clyde came back.

Clyde B.

Because of course he did.

I know it’s difficult to believe it.  You’d have to be full of *woo* and understand a dog’s purpose.  Their hearts and souls work in familiar yet mysterious ways.  Sometimes we’re meant to travel together in life for specific work and lessons.  Love lessons. Life lessons. Lessons only a dog can provide.

Clyde found me last Sunday.  Just two days after Stella graduated.  He has been on quite a raucous journey of only the kind CLYDE could ever have just to find his way to me. One that has included escapes and narrow misses and destruction of property and the insistence that he BELONGED with me.

My professor drove me 10 hours round trip to go retrieve Clyde on Friday.  I can assure you that LOVE looks like the man who will drive me ten hours to retrieve the beautiful crazy puppy I insist is my reincarnated dog.

I know it all sounds preposterous. I also know what I absolutely know and what Clyde knows, as well.

We’re a team. We’ve always been the very best team.

I’m just so grateful that he’s home.

There's More Than One Way To Have It All

 

"There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors."

 

• What I am reading   Proving that everything that is old is always new again.  Or, perhaps I just got really bored and stopped paying attention and this industry never actually died.  I'm sure there's at least one person who remembers when I worked for Camera Cafe.  I knew this world. It actually was part of the impetus behind #nakedfridays and my own wish for everyone to love themselves as they are.  I'm not surprised that the world is dangerous.  It was then, it can only be more so now.  We forget that people are actually HUMAN BEINGS. 
•   
• What I am eating  I have to make something to take to a party.  Who doesn't like chocolate and caramel?  I mean, some people obviously do not, but I'm pretty certain this will just disappear and I won't have to deal with bringing home leftovers. 

• What I am Listening To Stella is missing her brother. I'm thinking she might even need a heating pad with a heartbeat in it, if I can find such a thing.  She used to sleep wrapped around him and now, well, now she sleeps with her head burrowed under her blankets. Times are tough.  The music helps. 

• What I am watching   Feeding my Gilmore Girls habit. However, it's even better because Amy is not constrained, has a far bigger budget and, well, we get to go on a deep dive without commercials.  Stella joins me on the couch for every episode. Also, the New York Times gives us this fab list of reading material to add to the fun.  

• What I am thinking about The money quote: “I hope — I pray — we don’t have to use this fund,” DeAngelis said. “But odds are we will.”  
  
  What they do not really mention in this article is that the State of Colorado is creating a 501(c), based on the generosity of others, to take care of victims of mass tragedy in their state.  While I know that we're human and we all respond with caring hearts when mass tragedy happens, what bothers me most here is that why not also fund this fund by collecting additional dollars from the sales of guns?  Maybe?? Or does that cross some line drawn in the sand.  Or even with additional fees for gun licenses?  And, yes, I know that most mass tragedies occur at the hands of people who probably had illegal access to guns in the first place.  However, I'm a big believer in helping to make the entire community (in this case gun owners) take responsibility.  
  
  If you're going to need a FUND for the victims of Mass Tragedy and you want people to donate to fund the fund in advance of the tragedy that you know is inevitably going to happen, why not also ask for money from the makers of the guns that will probably also contribute to the tragedy.  It just seems like common sense to me. 

• What I am really feeling: Like I want to throw up. Pleasant, I know. However, it's the truth. And I'd like to think when I read this however long from now in the future that I'll perhaps not feel like throwing up because things will have somehow sorted themselves out.  A girl can hope. 

Like Story Time in Preschool

 

"Our stories don’t fit on a newspaper page. I’m tired of newspaper pages, Elisabeth. Life is a spiral, not a line."

• What I am reading I read my first John Irving novel when I was in high school. Setting Free the Bears is still one of my favourite books although, of course, so many of us have a soft spot in our hearts for Owen Meany and Cider House Rules and Garp. I have read all of his words that are published. I feel a bit about John Irving the way I feel about Tom Robbins. It's almost like putting on your favourite onesie and knowing that there's a hole in the elbow but it doesn't matter, really, because you know exactly how it got there and that it still fits and it is soft and it will keep you cozy while the world burns down around you.
• What I am eating  Tea. Cookies. Couch. Black dog. The rest of you can go get your lives sorted. Or come and join me for tea and cookies on the couch. I'll share.  

• What I am Listening To  Give in to love and just listen. 

• What I am watching  We're bingeing this as a family.  So we only watch every other week when the teenager is actually present.  We're almost caught up and then we'll actually have to wait and watch it in real time with the rest of you! 

• What I am thinking about Last century when the Grateful Dead was still the Grateful Dead and Jerry was still alive, I found myself one evening standing in a parking lot in Sacramento, California just after all the songs had been sung looking at an empty VW Bus that had once held all my worldly possessions.  The VW Bus was not mine, but my backpack that held my life at the time, had been locked inside and while we were inside the venue dancing like hippies dance someone had decided to avail themselves of all the things in the bus and, well, that included my backpack. 
  
  It was the late 80's and so this meant that inside my backpack were things like a big wad of cash from selling my cookies and a checkbook with blank checks and even a plane ticket.  I stood there and cried and felt sorry for myself until NakedIan, who owned the van and had lost far more than I had lost, put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Nakedjen, you can stand here and cry or you can think of this like a gift!  Someone else just took all of your problems!" 
  
  It's all about perspective.  The next morning while we were standing in the police station to report that someone had taken all of our stuff from the VW Bus, NakedIan looked at the officer and said, "I mean, honestly, everything! The only thing I have left to my name is this fluffy pink skirt I'm wearing right now."  
  
  When times are tough, I always think about that moment.  Sometimes you find yourself standing in nothing but a pink fluffy skirt and those are the moments when there's nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile. xo

• What I am really feeling: I wish people could be grown-ups and own their own bull shit.  I understand that it's hard to do and I also understand we're making it far easier as a society to award BAD BEHAVIOR.  However, there's no need to be an arrogant asshole. Ever. 
   

Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.

 

"Something is significantly wrong with a world that sacrifices its children’s lives to settle its differences."

 

• What I am reading   Farmers are my friends.  Especially small farmers who grow sustainably and provide food with a mind for not only our bodies but our future and the health of the planet.  Those farmers are the farmers we should be supporting.  You can learn a lot about your own government when you read something like their Farm Bill. Hidden in the pages are exactly what corporate interests want to see and what small farmers never are going to get.  

 

 

• What I am eating  Coconut Apple Ginger Dal. Again. This time with feeling. But, honestly, snow's in the forecast. The air is ugly in Utah. Sustenance is on the menu. 

 

• What I am Listening To  Pitchfork gives us an intimate conversation with musicians we may not actually have heard before. Give a listen with a cuppa. 

• What I am watching  

• What I am thinking about It feels like ages ago, and it is over 15 years ago, when I was blogging regularly, I had imaginary friends whom I loved fiercely and visited regularly at their own blogs. Our blogs were literal portals into our lives at the time and we really were like a small love army who knew one another (or thought we did).  The thing is these were the days before GoFundMe existed and if someone NEEDED something, we just all pitched in and made it happen.  One way or another.  Because it is the season, today I thought of Blue Witch. Who also blessed me with Feast of the Cash Register a very long time ago. She is the one who put it down first and I have whispered it aloud to those who will even bother to listen to me as I fuss about how I do not CELEBRATE THE SEASON. 
  
  I prattle on and on about how I gift in other ways. When I choose to gift. That I'm a stealth elf.  Showing up with just what is needed when it is needed or JUST BECAUSE, not because the calendar has flipped to the day we deign PRESENTS should be presented.  Ahem.  
  
  I'm thrilled that Blue Witch is still blogging. I'm still there in her sidebar as a friend.  Reading her today was, well, good medicine.  FOTCR, indeed. 
  
  P.S.  If you ARE in the mood for giving right now, I will suggest that you participate in THE NINTH ANNUAL JAMES GARFIELD MIRACLE. I do participate every year. It's totally worth it. xo  

• What I am really feeling: In the too much information department, I'm tired of waking up every night at 3:00 a.m. wanting to rip my clothes off and wandering the house like a mad woman.  Why haven't women told each other about menopause and all the things that happen to our bodies when it happens?? Why?!?!? What purpose does it serve to keep all of this a secret? I feel like there's some big conspiracy that says, "Right, let's not talk about THIS!!"   
  
  Well, I'm here now. I've arrived. So you know what?  I'm going to talk all about it.  

Snow is Falling

I'm not ready to be old yet. 

• What I am reading I honestly have not been paying any attention and had no idea that Instagram was such a money-making machine that it has created a cottage industry of apps to create more money for the money makers! 


• What I am eating  Well, not exactly right this minute. But I am thinking that it would be fun to host a party with the professor. Something for everyone and the pancakes can just keep coming!


• What I am listening to I've been listening to this since before JVN sprung into our collective consciousness in the revamped Queer Eye. Jonathan is generous, he's fun, and he is curious about lots of really interesting things! 


• What I am watching  Truly escapist television for me. More like watching a film, each evening, about deplorable people with deplorable problems that do nothing to make me feel better about myself or the world, but do allow me not to think really at all for a little while. 

• What I am thinking about Do we meet at The Gorge or Boulder or do we also go to Wrigley, too. I know, I know, Jerry is still dead. 

• What I am really feeling: Lonely, cold, and a little bit sad. It's December, it's snowing and I don't do well when the days get shorter.